Abusive ex wants to divorce "without solicitors, between us" - I don't know what to ask for?

[Toomuchwine89]

I'm definitely going to get legal advice! But I don't know if anyone else has been through the same sort of thing?

He, of course, is offering a 50/50 split of the house equity, because he's so generous.

However.

He's on around 50k a year, I was a SAHM to six children (two are his). There's about 100k equity in the marital home (which he's living in while we were in refuge for almost a year!), a caravan probably worth around 2-3k, the contents of the house (not worth masses, but I left everything behind) and his pension (is that even worth it? He's only 30 so it won't be huge).

He keeps messaging my friend with messages to pass on to me about how HE wants to do this divorce and now HE wants to get things moving. It feels like the coercive control all over again!

We were together six years, married just over four.

I've pretty much sent her just that. He's clearly capable of using courts and solicitors as he's spent the past 14 months stressing me out with them

I guess he'll have to be? He's desperate for me to fill out Form E 🤷‍♀️

I didn’t say you did

however there’s a tendency in here to whip people into a frenzy of emotion
and build up that narrative. None of which is condusive

people will tell you they got 100% or traded equity for pension and so on. But usually these are in cases where marriage is longer or ex is v high earner or you’re nearer to retirement and so on

im sinply saying think about the facts of your case and what assets there are, and his pension is unlikely to be a major negotiation tactic here imo as it can be in others

you say you want to be free. The best way to to that is engage in the process, negotiate and compromise and do t have a win at all costs approach otherwise it will cost not only £ that are not there but emotional toll too

your solicitor will guide you

So if I understand it you are looking after your four joint children and his two from a previous relationship? If so you are a good woman.

I can't negotiate with a narcissist which is why I need a sol

No they're all mine. He was basically dad (although as time went on, a shit one) to the older four and even asked for contact with them at the first child arrangement order, which I agreed to. But as soon as he realised I wasn't going back to him, he dropped the older ones like hot shit.

You can negotiate through your solicitor
that is the point of them

Sorry, and the youngest two are his

Yes, but only if I get legal aid

OP, sense check here. The question is should you agree to negotiating directly with an soon-to-be ex husband so abusive you had a non molestation order, had to spend a year in a refuge with six kids, and who was awarded just 4 hours supervised contact per month?
Nope. Go through a solicitor. Definitely see if you can get legal aid.
That doesn’t mean you should waste all the assets that exist fighting and fighting for the largest possible proportion of the assets on principle. Talk to a solicitor, tell them your goal is to get this resolved quickly, minimizing opportunities for your awful ex to abuse you, without depriving you and your kids of a fair share of the money.
Well done for telling your friend to block him. Putting her in that position is not fair of him and it’s just a way to get to you in a more vulnerable state.

What if you dont get legal aid?

unfortunately he can proceed regardless and you’ll be forced into the process and dragged to court ultimately

so you can:

get legal aid if that’s possible

get a solicitor who will take payment from settlement ( careful not to end up spending it all)

or be a litigant in person

you can read up and educate yourself on the process and how ‘fair’ is considered in the eyes of the law and about guiding principles to asset division online. There is a wealth of information to help you which will also help keep costs down

simply delaying or not engaging won’t help you in the long run so take the bull by the horns and start the process.

there have been some remarkable women on here who have been successful as litigant in person even with controlling exes so it can be done. the formidablemrsc being one of them

He has said he wants to get divorced without solicitors. Thats an opinion. Your response doesn’t have to be to agree to it. It’s entirely up to him if he uses a solicitor or not. You should make your own choice. This is what you need to tell him. In a very simple way, that you note his preference but will make your own decision on how and when you instruct a solicitor.

Mediation is not an option and you won’t get accepted because of the abuse.

This means you are going to court where a judge will approve the split of assets. If he doesn’t agree then he can appeal but at the end of the day he won’t change things because he doesn’t like it.

You can go to court with a simply agreed settlement or a whole load of issues for the judge to unpick. Legal costs will pile up the more you negotiate and the more you dispute.

You need to make a legal aid claim. It will either get approved or not. If it doesn’t get approved then you can fund basic legal support or litigate in person.

If you do have to instruct a solicitor and pay for it yourself you need to keep the costs to a minimum. Because you can’t afford to do anything else. You won’t be able to afford to refer everything back to a solicitor and you won’t be able to pay for valuations and forensics accountants. People who post on here will recommend you do all these things without thinking about the cost and financial benefit of doing it. Even when people are posting in despair over tens of thousands in cc bills to solicitors someone will advise them to get legal advice.

I would personally agree to leave the pension alone for a concession on share of equity. It’s probably worth a few % points.

If you get awarded legal aid check the conditions. You don’t want to find out you have to repay it from the settlement. Equally just because you have legal aid you need to decide if you want the mental anguish of arguing the toss with him for months if not years.

However.

Since you now live 300m away and have presumably settled I assume you want the property sold. What would you do with 50- 60k. If it is going to be used for rent then it will impact on your UC entitlements. In other words what difference is a prolonged battle going to make to your life.

Just because he suggested it doesn’t make it worse idea for you. Because a fight for a pot of money that will then just reduce your benefits might not be worth it.

if you need 60k you can make that offer. Fill in the forms and send them to court. You just need to stick to that offer. The judge will either agree or not agree.

Op

Did ye buy the marital home together or did it own it before ye got together. If he did that does change things and 50.50 might be a generous offer .

You definitely need legal advice .

We bought it together but it's all in his name

If you had a non mol order there's no reason why you won't get legal aid for the divorce

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. Honestly dealing with people like your ex is so difficult, I've had to do it myself.
Like the other commenter said - use as many free half and hours you can from solicitors! Have some questions ready that you want to ask. Be aware that they might try to convince you to hire them so just focus on getting the answers you need first before making that decision when you may not need to.
If you feel you need a solicitor for sure but the finances are where you are having trouble, try doing some of it yourself with the help of online help guides (e.g. filling out forms, knowing what options you have). It's not as difficult when you have the online help and can save you hundreds if not thousands (I used this one - https://iamlip.com/).
l think it might be a bit late for this suggestion but in case it helps - https://iamlip.com/you-and-your-matrimonial-home-rights/ this tells you what rights you can have on your home as you mentioned that its all in his name xx
Hope this can help x

@Toomuchwine89
It's all in his name... I'll bet he wants to divorce without solicitors!!

if you bought the house together but it is his name you definitely need a solicitor. Do you have proof of any money you put in to start with.

If he’s offering you 50/50 I am not seeing what the issue is. He’s supported you financially and 4 kids that aren’t his for a short marriage and he’s not a high earner. What am I missing. Do a Form E and get a solicitor. I can’t see any reason why you’d be owed more than that.
Sure he’s an abusive asshole but that’s irrelevant.

@Billybagpuss she doesnt need any need proof, because that is not relevant. Its a joint marital asset regardless of it being on dole name

op might be worth you lodging a home rights thing with land registry ( sorry can’t recall correct terminology £

You tell him you will agree to nothing until he has completed his legal financial declaration (Form E and D81). And that you will be asking the court to “seal” a legal financial agreement as is your rights and what any sensible person would do if they weren’t trying to scam the other party. The court requires a truthful financial agreement in law , not completing it fully and truthfully is contempt of court .
Go to ADVICE NOW, link in header above and inform yourself of your rights and the law and the process in their really useful guides.

Are you in Scotland. The law is different in Scotland. The date of separation is the date that your joint finances come to end for accounting purposes.