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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Abusive ex wants to divorce "without solicitors, between us" - I don't know what to ask for?

72 replies

Toomuchwine89 · 16/01/2024 06:54

I'm definitely going to get legal advice! But I don't know if anyone else has been through the same sort of thing?

He, of course, is offering a 50/50 split of the house equity, because he's so generous.

However.

He's on around 50k a year, I was a SAHM to six children (two are his). There's about 100k equity in the marital home (which he's living in while we were in refuge for almost a year!), a caravan probably worth around 2-3k, the contents of the house (not worth masses, but I left everything behind) and his pension (is that even worth it? He's only 30 so it won't be huge).

He keeps messaging my friend with messages to pass on to me about how HE wants to do this divorce and now HE wants to get things moving. It feels like the coercive control all over again!

We were together six years, married just over four.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 16/01/2024 07:37

I'm not working, no. I've been offered a part time job in a prison, just awaiting my start date as there's a lot of security checking

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 16/01/2024 07:38

after 14 months he’s entitled to start trying to resolve it

there are not much assets

at 30 as said his pension won’t be large and you’ll both be expected to build up your own pots as you’re young and have plenty of time
if he has one you MAY be entitled to a share but it’s not likely to be huge

in terms of equity you MAY be entitled to slightly more but only 2 of your children are his responsibility to help house

50k is not a big salary - so you won’t get spousal maintenance. You will be entitled to child maintenance from him for the 2 that are his. Presumably you get child maintenance from the other parent of your other 4?
and universal credit?

what would your income be if you add up all that ? Close to, if not more than your ex net take home once he’s paid cms

what do you think you should get? A court is very very unlikely to award you 109% of equity, so say you had 60% that’s only 20k more which you will swallow up easily on legal fees
6 years together is not deemed long, 4 years is a short marriage and your both young so I think you’re in for a wake up call tbh.

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 16/01/2024 07:39

SayNoToDoorToDoor · 16/01/2024 07:06

A 50/50 split is starting point but you’ll be housing the kids so that will tip in your favour.

Can you find any documents showing pension or any other assets? Ok if not as a solicitor can request them.

See if you can get legal aid to help with divorce costs.

To give you an idea, at the start of divorce I was full time student and primary carer. He suggested sell house and split 50/50 without solicitors.

I got a solicitor, finished studies and got a full time job. We went to court to sort finances. I got the house and 4K. He kept his pension, trust funds, and got 7k. The split was 60/40 in my favour which shows how much his assets were. He hasn’t wanted them to be brought into play.

Thank you :) I don't have any documents, no. I don't think he's expecting me to ask about his pension and I feel bad doing so but i have a lot of little people to support!

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 16/01/2024 07:39

100% not 109%

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 16/01/2024 07:40

millymollymoomoo · 16/01/2024 07:38

after 14 months he’s entitled to start trying to resolve it

there are not much assets

at 30 as said his pension won’t be large and you’ll both be expected to build up your own pots as you’re young and have plenty of time
if he has one you MAY be entitled to a share but it’s not likely to be huge

in terms of equity you MAY be entitled to slightly more but only 2 of your children are his responsibility to help house

50k is not a big salary - so you won’t get spousal maintenance. You will be entitled to child maintenance from him for the 2 that are his. Presumably you get child maintenance from the other parent of your other 4?
and universal credit?

what would your income be if you add up all that ? Close to, if not more than your ex net take home once he’s paid cms

what do you think you should get? A court is very very unlikely to award you 109% of equity, so say you had 60% that’s only 20k more which you will swallow up easily on legal fees
6 years together is not deemed long, 4 years is a short marriage and your both young so I think you’re in for a wake up call tbh.

A wake up call 😂 that's hilarious. I'd happily walk away without a penny if he left us alone.

OP posts:
Tilllly · 16/01/2024 07:40

We all have opinions on your entitlements @Toomuchwine89 but only your solicitor can really advise

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 16/01/2024 07:41

Tilllly · 16/01/2024 07:40

We all have opinions on your entitlements @Toomuchwine89 but only your solicitor can really advise

It's finding one that's the difficulty! The "best" one around here hasn't called me back after a few days. I'm going to try others today

OP posts:
uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 16/01/2024 07:43

There's no time limit unless a court document arrives. My mum didn't want to get divorced and she ignored my dad's requests and even solicitors letters for YEARS. She left it until the point where dad could divorce her without her agreeing (maybe 5/6 years I think). More recently there's been a change and you can do the divorce online yourselves but I'm not 100% whether both have to agree or if it's complicated if finances and/or children matters aren't yet settled.

You'd almost certainly be entitled to legal aid due to the abuse and no income. I was.

Aposterhasnoname · 16/01/2024 07:45

I’ll bet he fucking does. Lawyer up

Bubbleohseven · 16/01/2024 07:46

I think you'll likely get 50%, maybe 60% of the assets. But that includes pension too. You need to get a CETV for his pension. It may be that he only earns £50k because he is paying £20k into his pension you see, to keep his tax low and below the higher income tax bracket.

The questions to ask yourself are

  1. What will I do about housing.
  2. What do I need in order to facilitate that.

Just for perspective, I had a 22 year marriage and 3 dependant children when we went to court for a final hearing and I got 50%.

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 16/01/2024 07:47

uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 16/01/2024 07:43

There's no time limit unless a court document arrives. My mum didn't want to get divorced and she ignored my dad's requests and even solicitors letters for YEARS. She left it until the point where dad could divorce her without her agreeing (maybe 5/6 years I think). More recently there's been a change and you can do the divorce online yourselves but I'm not 100% whether both have to agree or if it's complicated if finances and/or children matters aren't yet settled.

You'd almost certainly be entitled to legal aid due to the abuse and no income. I was.

Thank you.

He applied for the divorce 2 months after i went into refuge.

3 weeks after that, he had his solicitor email me to say he wanted to stop the divorce and get back together.

I obviously didn't go back, and I've been punished plenty since then, but the divorce has sort of been silent in the background. As much as I'd love to not be married to him, my life has been focused on putting mine and my children's lives back together.

OP posts:
hannahwaddinghamsbiceps · 16/01/2024 07:48

You should be entitled to a free half hour, lots of solicitors offer it. Don't all take on legal aid cases but some will and I'm sure you will qualify. Even if not, use the half hours to get advice, you can see more than one. Ring loads today, it's always busy for them in January.
Whatever you do don't not let him rush you. You have to sign papers so you will have some control over the process, but to do it without advice means your children could miss out on financial support/housing help, plus he will have all the control.
Good luck, there is hope, I got told all the same stuff by my ex and guess what- he was wrong.

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 16/01/2024 07:49

Bubbleohseven · 16/01/2024 07:46

I think you'll likely get 50%, maybe 60% of the assets. But that includes pension too. You need to get a CETV for his pension. It may be that he only earns £50k because he is paying £20k into his pension you see, to keep his tax low and below the higher income tax bracket.

The questions to ask yourself are

  1. What will I do about housing.
  2. What do I need in order to facilitate that.

Just for perspective, I had a 22 year marriage and 3 dependant children when we went to court for a final hearing and I got 50%.

Thank you.

I don't care if it's 50/50. I'm not a money grabber. But I care if I don't get advice, listen to him and get screwed over, when I had six kids to support. It's been almost impossible to find work as I'm completely on my own with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 16/01/2024 07:50

hannahwaddinghamsbiceps · 16/01/2024 07:48

You should be entitled to a free half hour, lots of solicitors offer it. Don't all take on legal aid cases but some will and I'm sure you will qualify. Even if not, use the half hours to get advice, you can see more than one. Ring loads today, it's always busy for them in January.
Whatever you do don't not let him rush you. You have to sign papers so you will have some control over the process, but to do it without advice means your children could miss out on financial support/housing help, plus he will have all the control.
Good luck, there is hope, I got told all the same stuff by my ex and guess what- he was wrong.

Thank you!! This is what I needed to hear so that I know I'm not going insane

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 16/01/2024 07:50

I bet he wants to avoid lawyers/solicitors! I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. I hope you manage to get some decent legal advice soon

RoachFish · 16/01/2024 07:50

I know that it's all relative but in comparison to the cost of lawyers there really isn't much point in involving them.

The marriage is very short so at best, when it comes to his pension, you might be entitled to some of the pension that he has saved up in the last 4-6 years, but given that his salary isn't that high and that he has been the sole provider for a family of 8 I doubt he has been able to save much at all. I would try and maybe counter with 60/40 split in your favour when it comes to equity and tell him you leave his pension alone.

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 16/01/2024 07:50

Aposterhasnoname · 16/01/2024 07:45

I’ll bet he fucking does. Lawyer up

This made me laugh 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 16/01/2024 07:51

RoachFish · 16/01/2024 07:50

I know that it's all relative but in comparison to the cost of lawyers there really isn't much point in involving them.

The marriage is very short so at best, when it comes to his pension, you might be entitled to some of the pension that he has saved up in the last 4-6 years, but given that his salary isn't that high and that he has been the sole provider for a family of 8 I doubt he has been able to save much at all. I would try and maybe counter with 60/40 split in your favour when it comes to equity and tell him you leave his pension alone.

Yep my friend suggested 60/40. But obviously no solicitor in the land can make him do anything he doesn't want to

OP posts:
Tilllly · 16/01/2024 07:57

He can be made to do something he doesn't want to

But just focus on being fair, getting a fair split

You don't want him to screw you over but neither do you want to be unfair to him either
(Well you probably do 😁 understandably, but focus on an equitable split of assets according to law)

millymollymoomoo · 16/01/2024 08:01

I’m not saying it to be harsh
im sorry for your suruation
but emotions and ‘fault’ do t come into divorce settlements

the wake up call simply means if you think you’ll walk away with 10% of assets and ongoing maintenance other than child maintenance you’ll be disappointed as that’s highly unlikely in your situation based on ages, earnings and only 2 of the children being his

hence you need to weigh up costs of fighting and building up massive fees vs the possible outcome

his pension is unlikely to be large at 30, no doubt with a increasing salary over the last 5-10 years. He may not even have started until 25 or so. He’s not considered a high earner so spousal won’t be on the table

it’s easy to get caught up in the he’s a bastard narrative, screw him for everything but settlements don’t work like that. They work of facts and figures. I’m simply guiding you think be realistic in expectations and balance up cost vs outcome

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 16/01/2024 08:04

millymollymoomoo · 16/01/2024 08:01

I’m not saying it to be harsh
im sorry for your suruation
but emotions and ‘fault’ do t come into divorce settlements

the wake up call simply means if you think you’ll walk away with 10% of assets and ongoing maintenance other than child maintenance you’ll be disappointed as that’s highly unlikely in your situation based on ages, earnings and only 2 of the children being his

hence you need to weigh up costs of fighting and building up massive fees vs the possible outcome

his pension is unlikely to be large at 30, no doubt with a increasing salary over the last 5-10 years. He may not even have started until 25 or so. He’s not considered a high earner so spousal won’t be on the table

it’s easy to get caught up in the he’s a bastard narrative, screw him for everything but settlements don’t work like that. They work of facts and figures. I’m simply guiding you think be realistic in expectations and balance up cost vs outcome

I DON'T think like that. I just want to know what's fair.

I'm not interested in spousal maintenance.

I think he had about 12k in various pensions when I left him, but god knows how that's worked out or if it's even counted.

I'm not going to fight him as such, but if I can get legal aid then that will ease the strain

OP posts:
Tinytigertail · 16/01/2024 08:08

This is still coercive control. If you have been in a refuge, you should be entitled to legal aid. Ignore him, get a lawyer and make sure everything goes through them from now on. My friend is going through this right now and her lawyer has been amazing. Good luck OP.

Original poster
Toomuchwine89 · 16/01/2024 08:16

Tinytigertail · 16/01/2024 08:08

This is still coercive control. If you have been in a refuge, you should be entitled to legal aid. Ignore him, get a lawyer and make sure everything goes through them from now on. My friend is going through this right now and her lawyer has been amazing. Good luck OP.

Thank you!

The only problem is, he keeps messaging my friend (who is lovely, sweet and a dare I say it, a bit of a pushover) and that is stressing me out so much! I think it should go through solicitors, but he keeps messaging her

OP posts:
katmarie · 16/01/2024 08:24

Tell her to just block him. One message. Op is getting a solicitor, you will need to communicate with them from now on. And block. Once you have a solicitor, they can communicate on your behalf. She doesn't need to be involved at all. And he can just bloody wait until you have your legal representation in place.

autienotnaughty · 16/01/2024 08:28

I'd be ok with 50/50 but is he going to be honest about his savings, investments and pension?