Exh thinks I should coordinate play dates

[helplesshopeless]

Hi all, I'm going round in circles with my abusive exh so need some clarity on a point.

As a very brief background, he's always been very unpleasant to me on and off according to whatever mood he was in. Verbally and emotionally abusive especially when my Dd arrived and he struggled with her bad sleep etc. I made the horrible choice of having an exit affair which I regret daily - I posted about it all at the time under this username. So there's lots of animosity in our split and he's clearly very angry with me still which is understandable. Just giving that perspective so I'm being balanced.

Anyway, we now Co-parent 50/50, obviously I hate that but my 6yo DD is amazing and thriving. She is safe at his, he's horrible to me but loves DD and is a very involved and caring dad. We live very close together and her best friend happens to live on the corner of exh's road. I am close friends with the mum of that little girl. I haven't particularly given much detail on what happened in the marriage or that I had an affair, but I did make a few very brief comments when we split up about him being very aggressive and threatening towards me, so she probably recalls that.

Anyway, DD has on several occasions asked exh if her friend could come round to his to play - each time he's emailed me to ask me to arrange, I've then messaged her mum to ask if it's ok and have given his number to her to get back to him directly. Each time (latest one was last night) she's said they're busy and asked me to let him know. That's completely fine by me and up to her if she doesn't want her daughter going to his house.

Anyway last night this turned into a huge rant from him (the usual abuse thrown in over me being a freeloading dosser whore) over how it is my fault that DD doesn't have friends over to play at his, it's more difficult for him as a male to arrange with other mums, and I should be facilitating, and the fact that I'm not shows that I'm trying to get in the way of it happening so that DD enjoys being at my house more (as we have friends over to play).

Exh has just as much opportunity as me to strike up convo at the school dates, or message other mums who's numbers he does have to arrange friends to come round. I've pointed this out to him and said it's not my job to coordinate at his house and he's so angry with me and making out like I'm being completely unreasonable. He said that I've clearly turned my 'grim little mums group' against him by spouting 'nonsense' about him being aggressive and abusive (I haven't, but he is), that it's more difficult for him to arrange as it's usually mums that sort those things, and that I'm not acting in DD's best interests by telling him that he needs to sort this out himself.

I honestly don't know what he expects me to do, I always pass on messages when he asks me to and half the time he treats me like his bloody PA which I do sort for DD's sake, but I don't know how he expects me to suddenly be facilitating play dates at his out of the blue.

He ended his last email with 'this is a which is a huge shame for DD when she lives so close and would love to play. But dont worry about it you just focus on you same as you always have and always do I will figure something out myself.'

I guess I'm just looking for some perspective here - fair enough it might be a bit awkward for him approaching other mums to arrange for play dates but I don't see what my role should be!!

As usual I'm now worried about dd and feeling sad that she's always knocked back at his when she asks if her friend can go round

As a side note the friend in question is already booked in to come and play at mine after school tomorrow

yes I agree, the only reason I did it was so that dd has family at the evening show, we'd already agreed that I'd go to the afternoon one and his parents would do the evening one. Didn't want dd to not have a friendly face in the audience

I understand the pull for your DD but you really shouldn't have done it. His problem to sort. He's using your reaction about DD. Honestly, drop the rope.

Setting the boundary going forward as PP suggested is good. But you must follow through, even if it means things like his parents don't get tickets. It's on him. Not you. He won't change till he feels the consequences.

I'm afraid it has to impact DD sometimes. Otherwise you will be his PA forever.
His time his problem. You can't do his admin for him.
So I think you just write and clearly lay out, if an activity or party or event happens on "his days" then he has to make the decision about it or fill in forms. You say that "I don't want to make decisions on your behalf as I don't know what works for you, so you will have to do any admin or form filling or make any arrangements required. I cannot make assumptions about you (or parents etc)"
Likewise anything on your days is your problem.
If you don't put your foot down now he'll take the mick when you're on mat leave

This man is continuing to control and abuse you.

Good idea re formal agreement on who deals with the admin of activities on each other's time. We typically just coordinate and agree on an ad hoc basis but I think he's just using this form as a stick to beat me with as he's angry about the show tickets

I would get some sort of formal mediation/ court order in place regarding this.

Hes treating you appallingly
Stop allowing this

Absolute grey rock, minimal replies
There are apps you can use to communicate through and all comms go through this, all school dates, performances, etc
No phone calls, emails
Can't remember what it's called but it can be used in court as evidence so its a good way to keep him in check.
You add all school stuff, medical stuff to it etc

@Keepthosenamesgoing that is good wording, thank you. I know whatever I say he will twist and sneer at so it makes me not even try most of the time.

I know you're all right about grey rock etc. sometimes I manage it and sometimes it gets to me and it's helpful to rant on here as it means my lovely OH hears a slightly reduced level of rants and he doesn't need to worry about me being upset

It's called OurFamily Wizard Op
If he refuses to use it, tough for him
Go to court

You have to protect yourself from this awful man

Why not send a simple email that says, 'for the sake of DD, I would like to maintain a good working relationship with you but I expect you to keep a civil tone in your communications with me. I will not be replying to any further messages which are insulting or aggressive'.

I think it's a bit like having a toddler. When you set a boundary, they'll probably push as hard as they can against it but if you stick to your guns, eventually they'll get the message. Set a boundary that says if he messages you in a civil way you will respond but if he insults you, you'll ignore him.

As the saying goes, 'boundaries are the hardest thing to set but the easiest thing to keep'. Once you've done it and stuck to it a few times, you'll feel liberated.

@VoteHappy thank you, we did try an app actually at one point but both found it a bit useless (and it was one of the recommended ones that you have to pay for). But yes agree he'd watch his behaviour more in that app!! He has banned me from emailing his work email address, presumably because his work have previously picked up on his awful language 🤦‍♀️

Sorry only just saw this reply

You absolutely have to go zero tolerance for this stuff .
Get an app, refuse to discuss anything that comes with insults or ludicrous demands
He's your ex
Take your power back

Your daughter won’t miss out on play dates- you have them at your house.

I suspect that her friends mum can see more clearly than you can that he’s a twat.

I wouldn’t let my child go to a household run by a man who I knew was abusive to his ex. However loving he was with his daughter, there would always be the potential for my child to be on the receiving end of that behaviour, or a witness to it.