Exh thinks I should coordinate play dates

[helplesshopeless]

Hi all, I'm going round in circles with my abusive exh so need some clarity on a point.

As a very brief background, he's always been very unpleasant to me on and off according to whatever mood he was in. Verbally and emotionally abusive especially when my Dd arrived and he struggled with her bad sleep etc. I made the horrible choice of having an exit affair which I regret daily - I posted about it all at the time under this username. So there's lots of animosity in our split and he's clearly very angry with me still which is understandable. Just giving that perspective so I'm being balanced.

Anyway, we now Co-parent 50/50, obviously I hate that but my 6yo DD is amazing and thriving. She is safe at his, he's horrible to me but loves DD and is a very involved and caring dad. We live very close together and her best friend happens to live on the corner of exh's road. I am close friends with the mum of that little girl. I haven't particularly given much detail on what happened in the marriage or that I had an affair, but I did make a few very brief comments when we split up about him being very aggressive and threatening towards me, so she probably recalls that.

Anyway, DD has on several occasions asked exh if her friend could come round to his to play - each time he's emailed me to ask me to arrange, I've then messaged her mum to ask if it's ok and have given his number to her to get back to him directly. Each time (latest one was last night) she's said they're busy and asked me to let him know. That's completely fine by me and up to her if she doesn't want her daughter going to his house.

Anyway last night this turned into a huge rant from him (the usual abuse thrown in over me being a freeloading dosser whore) over how it is my fault that DD doesn't have friends over to play at his, it's more difficult for him as a male to arrange with other mums, and I should be facilitating, and the fact that I'm not shows that I'm trying to get in the way of it happening so that DD enjoys being at my house more (as we have friends over to play).

Exh has just as much opportunity as me to strike up convo at the school dates, or message other mums who's numbers he does have to arrange friends to come round. I've pointed this out to him and said it's not my job to coordinate at his house and he's so angry with me and making out like I'm being completely unreasonable. He said that I've clearly turned my 'grim little mums group' against him by spouting 'nonsense' about him being aggressive and abusive (I haven't, but he is), that it's more difficult for him to arrange as it's usually mums that sort those things, and that I'm not acting in DD's best interests by telling him that he needs to sort this out himself.

I honestly don't know what he expects me to do, I always pass on messages when he asks me to and half the time he treats me like his bloody PA which I do sort for DD's sake, but I don't know how he expects me to suddenly be facilitating play dates at his out of the blue.

He ended his last email with 'this is a which is a huge shame for DD when she lives so close and would love to play. But dont worry about it you just focus on you same as you always have and always do I will figure something out myself.'

I guess I'm just looking for some perspective here - fair enough it might be a bit awkward for him approaching other mums to arrange for play dates but I don't see what my role should be!!

As usual I'm now worried about dd and feeling sad that she's always knocked back at his when she asks if her friend can go round

As a side note the friend in question is already booked in to come and play at mine after school tomorrow

If I was the other mum I wouldn’t want a playdate - I wouldn’t trust a single dad who had behaved badly in a relationship, with such a young child.

Suggest to exh that he could organise a playdate with another child - also if you feel nice, suggest to him a play date at a soft play or playground is a good neutral space for a firs play date.

I wouldn't talk to the other mum OP. I'd just ignore him and not engage at all with his rants.

Make it your objective to deny him your emotional energy. Keep your responses to him brief, factual and perfunctory. Record but otherwise ignore his abuse.

Do not act as a go between for him and other mums - it won't achieve anything except sabotaging your relationship with them, and getting abuse from him. They can tell he's a misogynistic arsehole solely from the fact he's trying to get his ex to do the work of arranging playdates and probably by the way he comes across. So if course they don't want to send their daughters alone to his house and they never will.

I think it is time to let go of your guilt about the affair. It hasn't caused this situation and he is responsible for his own behaviour x

No, she told part of the truth to one mum. It’s not the same at all, unless op is actually neurotic and the person she had an affair with was a scumbag (and how would this affect play dates unless the scumbag was a part of it?)
If op telling a truth to one other mum (or all) stops them wanting to send their children to his house for a play date, then it’s because they don’t want their children around him. That’s his fault, not op’s. It would be different if she was lying about it of course.

I’m so sorry I made you cry OP. I remember your threads very clearly and I wished you well at the time and still do. Your ex is a thoroughly unpleasant person and I am so sorry you have him in your life.

As previous posters have said, you need to let go of your guilt as it is clouding your judgement. Your actions are in the past. You have apologised. You are trying your best every day to be a good Mum and co-parent.

He is an abusive shit who will never do or say the right thing where you’re concerned. Don’t wait for him to change. He won’t.

I don’t think you have sabotaged anything by what you said to this other Mum. You didn’t lie about him and his behaviour, nor did you lay it on thick. Simple honesty is always best and if I were her I would thank you for it. But I wouldn’t mention any of this current nonsense from him to the other Mum, it would put her in a difficult position.

His contact time is his to spend as he wishes and arrange as he wants. If you do continue to act as his PA it will just be another stick for him to beat you with somehow. Ignore him as best and as much as you can. Work on your self esteem and protect yourself for your daughter’s benefit. Happy Mum = happy DD!

None of that is your problem and he knows it. He just wants to blame you for his own uselessness and shitty behaviour. Leave him to it and don't engage with him outside the necessary communication. He'll continue to be delusional.

Thanks everyone, lots of food for thought. Ultimately I just want dd to be happy and enjoy her time at exh's so it's a shame this is an issue.

@Codlingmoths I'd actually forgotten about the recording/threatening notes thing - I think I've brushed over a lot of his awfulness in my memory which is allowing him to play on my guilt more. It's crazy to think that actually happened, looking back now.

@ClaudiaWinklemansEyeliner I did go to therapy, which helped quite a lot at the time. I'm not nearly as haunted by it all as I used to be, and I suppose time is a great healer and all that!

@DollyBantry no need to apologise in the slightest!!

Thanks all for your support/wisdom

It’s his job to organise what happens on his time.

It’s not your fault that your marriage broke down.

One of the most freeing moments I had co-parenting was the realisation that parties / play dates on Dads time were not for me to deal with...

I started sending screen shots of the party invite and asking him to sort. If I knew the parent I messaged and said id sent dad the invite. Helped when he would change his mind about taking them after id rsvpd (in all honesty hes loads better now!)

There's a reason people don't want to send their children to his house, and it is because he's a bastard. Nothing to do with you, not your circus, not your monkeys.

Tell him to organise his own social life and to make friends with some of the dads at the school.

What he does on his time is not your responsibility.

I'd be wary of sending my DC to a single father's house when he has a history of being aggressive and unpleasant.
He's most likely not genuinely bothered about play dates. It's just another way he can throw his weight around and get you to jump.

I'd not mention anything to the mum in question. It puts her in an awkward position. Honestly I'm very wary of play dates in general unless I know people well and would prefer to meet in public places to build a relationship. Maybe you could say to your ex that to keep things simple, you'll both make arrangements for your own time, communicate about parties as required and that he might want to suggest playdates at the park or soft play until he gets to know the parents.

At that age, if I didn’t know the other parent, or they didn’t know me very well, the first play date would usually be spent having coffee with that parent too, and staying in the house. After that, generally, we would let the kids go by themselves to each other’s houses. so aside from knowing that your husband has been abusive to you, which would be a showstopper to be honest, I wouldn’t be happy, even if there was no reason to feel that way if I hadn’t had that contact. It’s just not how play dates work at that age among the people I know.

Just coming back here to rant basically. Had a full day of abuse yesterday because

a) it didn't occur to me to buy his parents tickets to our daughter's school show (there was no request or mention of me doing this and he was well aware of the details of the show and how to buy tickets) and now they're sold out. This makes me a stupid f*cking bitch apparently, and he says I did this on purpose so I can revel in him not having got any. I've managed to source some from another parent but I am being hounded by him in really rude emails (funny how he suddenly has time to read and respond to emails) to confirm that they've been received.

b) I had the audacity to forward to him a consent form for him to complete for a trip she is doing on his weekend. It's a one minute form. I was going to automatically do it but then I thought perhaps given he has responsibility for her that weekend that the consent should come from him, plus the form contained info he'd need to know about the day. He said that I should be doing things like this to make sure everything is perfect for our dd (honestly the amount of coordination and reminders that I do for him on a weekly basis is ridiculous) and that I'm revelling in piling stuff unnecessarily on him when he is a busy person and I am a dosser who could just do it myself instead of 'sitting on my arse all day' (I am on maternity leave expecting imminent arrival).

It just gets me down as I now have a week or so to look forward to of him being extra demanding, bossy and rude as punishment for me apparently being so difficult it really makes me feel so worthless when he's like this.

You need to grey rock more. He is being unreasonable in both examples.

I really wouldn't haven't sourced extra tickets - it's on him and by doing so, he thinks you are agreeing with him that you should have done it in the first place.

When he kicks off about the form, just ignore. Don't let him get under your skin.

I would use this abuse to say that from now on, he coordinates all his responsibilities. Then grey rock.

Have you ever challenged his belief that you need to do all the running around?

That sounds really hard.

Set and maintaik your boundaries. Perhaps try ‘grey rock technique’? Seek support for yourself.

someone who treats his partner/ex like this is not a good parent, and there is high risk he won’t treat DD well, especially as she gets older and develops into herselt.

keep his horrible messages ‘for the record’ and limit engaging with him in person if you can.

On the school / extracurricular thing, you do need an arrangement for who decides whether she attends things and deals with the necessary administration and pays for it. Would seek to agree this with him in writing.

Had you committed DD’s time on your ex’s ‘part of the week’ he’d have had a go at you about that instead!

@SquishyGloopyBum yes I agree, the only reason I did it was so that dd has family at the evening show, we'd already agreed that I'd go to the afternoon one and his parents would do the evening one. Didn't want dd to not have a friendly face in the audience 

@eish honestly I don't dare...! Especially when I'm trying to not rock the boat with him at the moment as I am desperately anxious about whether he'll be flexible when my baby arrives in letting dd come straight over if she is at his etc.

@Theunamedcat he's constantly telling me I'm a dosser (I do have a busy and high pressured job! But have flexible hours) and that he has a lot more on his plate and so when I remind him of things, I get told that I should be sorting everything. He also says I set myself up to be the coordinator of all of these activities (which happened automatically because I signed her up for them - eg swimming, dance, rainbows) and that I revel in being difficult and dumping stuff on him that I could easily sort in one minute.

Absolutely this
Response
" Perfect, I will leave it to you then"
Refuse to engage further

I think you should say that you won't be responding to abusive (or rude messages). As he has shown total ingratitude for you sourcing a ticket for him for DD's school play, you will not be doing anything similar in future. It is his responsibility to take care of parenting and associated admin for things that fall when DD is with him. You're not his PA and you are not his wife.

I understand, I had an identical situation with my DS1's dad, he was abusive for years and I had an exit affair. I carried the guilt too and it did none of us any favours.

DS is an adult now and hasn't seen his dad in at least a couple of years.

@Civilservant thank you, yes I agree and I do worry about how he'll treat dd when she's older and has her own mind which may dare to disagree with him! I'm hoping that by that point she'll be old enough that if it got to court they'd listen to what she wanted to she could stay with me more. At the moment it's pretty much 50/50 and I don't have a leg to stand on in arguing for more time as he loves and cares for her at his with no issues. But yes it is on my mind constantly wondering when his nastier side will start to show with her.

Good idea re formal agreement on who deals with the admin of activities on each other's time. We typically just coordinate and agree on an ad hoc basis but I think he's just using this form as a stick to beat me with as he's angry about the show tickets

Honestly don't even bother replying. Or type out an angry reply and never send it!

But he's said he will sort himself out so let him do that. It's not your job. Yes it's harder often for single dads to integrate. Actually to be honest I know a couple of stay at home dads who also had some trouble integrating with the mum group.

My ex also accused me of stealing friends and making them on "my side". Wasn't true. He probably still believes it was years later. Nothing I can say or do would change his view. So just drop it.

Edit to add: btw absolutely not your job to arrange play dates on his time !

@Velvian thank you I've tried saying that many times but of course I always get sucked back in!! It's very difficult to draw the line when it might impact dd

I agree with all the others, he needs to facilitate this stuff on his time. He's just an arse, OP (which you know). There's another thread running at the moment where someone is asking how to reply to her arsey exH, it might help you to read that one. Lots of us have exes like this.

Basically, ignore (I know it's hard, but it gets easier with practice) the insults, name-calling and baiting. Drop the rope with that crap. Stick to messaging about practical arrangements only. He sorts things out in his time. Don't rise to the abuse, don't wrestle with the pig, all that happens is you get dirty and the pig enjoys it.

Try and enjoy your maternity leave, and good luck with the baby.