Exh thinks I should coordinate play dates

[helplesshopeless]

Hi all, I'm going round in circles with my abusive exh so need some clarity on a point.

As a very brief background, he's always been very unpleasant to me on and off according to whatever mood he was in. Verbally and emotionally abusive especially when my Dd arrived and he struggled with her bad sleep etc. I made the horrible choice of having an exit affair which I regret daily - I posted about it all at the time under this username. So there's lots of animosity in our split and he's clearly very angry with me still which is understandable. Just giving that perspective so I'm being balanced.

Anyway, we now Co-parent 50/50, obviously I hate that but my 6yo DD is amazing and thriving. She is safe at his, he's horrible to me but loves DD and is a very involved and caring dad. We live very close together and her best friend happens to live on the corner of exh's road. I am close friends with the mum of that little girl. I haven't particularly given much detail on what happened in the marriage or that I had an affair, but I did make a few very brief comments when we split up about him being very aggressive and threatening towards me, so she probably recalls that.

Anyway, DD has on several occasions asked exh if her friend could come round to his to play - each time he's emailed me to ask me to arrange, I've then messaged her mum to ask if it's ok and have given his number to her to get back to him directly. Each time (latest one was last night) she's said they're busy and asked me to let him know. That's completely fine by me and up to her if she doesn't want her daughter going to his house.

Anyway last night this turned into a huge rant from him (the usual abuse thrown in over me being a freeloading dosser whore) over how it is my fault that DD doesn't have friends over to play at his, it's more difficult for him as a male to arrange with other mums, and I should be facilitating, and the fact that I'm not shows that I'm trying to get in the way of it happening so that DD enjoys being at my house more (as we have friends over to play).

Exh has just as much opportunity as me to strike up convo at the school dates, or message other mums who's numbers he does have to arrange friends to come round. I've pointed this out to him and said it's not my job to coordinate at his house and he's so angry with me and making out like I'm being completely unreasonable. He said that I've clearly turned my 'grim little mums group' against him by spouting 'nonsense' about him being aggressive and abusive (I haven't, but he is), that it's more difficult for him to arrange as it's usually mums that sort those things, and that I'm not acting in DD's best interests by telling him that he needs to sort this out himself.

I honestly don't know what he expects me to do, I always pass on messages when he asks me to and half the time he treats me like his bloody PA which I do sort for DD's sake, but I don't know how he expects me to suddenly be facilitating play dates at his out of the blue.

He ended his last email with 'this is a which is a huge shame for DD when she lives so close and would love to play. But dont worry about it you just focus on you same as you always have and always do I will figure something out myself.'

I guess I'm just looking for some perspective here - fair enough it might be a bit awkward for him approaching other mums to arrange for play dates but I don't see what my role should be!!

As usual I'm now worried about dd and feeling sad that she's always knocked back at his when she asks if her friend can go round

As a side note the friend in question is already booked in to come and play at mine after school tomorrow

You're muddying the waters by getting involved. Just drop the rope and let him sort it out for himself.

i agree with @JohnLapsleyParlabane I’d be concerned that a parent who can’t even organise a play date can look after my child properly at the play date. By getting you to be the go- between he is giving the impression that the kids would not be properly supervised or properly fed.

Id point that out to him. Just say to him “would you let DD go to the house of a friend where their parent wouldn't contact you direct to organise it? Would he be confident she would be properly cared for without that initial interaction? Or contact details?”

The other thing he could do is offer to take the kids to the park instead. Or on some other outing. Parents who are concerned about sending their child to a single fathers house may be happier to let their child go to a public event with him.

But he really needs to be making the effort himself.

Stop putting her in the middle of your issues, leave it alone

Why would any woman allow their child to go to the house of a man who uses phrases like 'freeloading dosser whore' and 'grim little mums group'. I wouldn't.

Women aren't stupid, we pick up on misogyny. This is your ex's problem.

He could always approach the dad.

The friend’s mum has made it clear (in a tactful way) that her DD won’t be going to your ex’s house. So I think you need to stop asking her or it will jeopardise your own relationship with her. She can always contact you or your ex if she changes her mind in future.

I’m sure he would be just as horrible if you left him without having an affair, so there’s no point in dwelling on it being “your fault” for creating bad feeling.

I agree with PPs that he should be arranging things in his own contact time.

But there is some justification for his frustration. If you have shared with the parents of DDs friends that he is abusive and nasty, they obviously aren't going to want their children going there. But you've said that these characteristics are reserved for you and not DD, so is there any reason to think he would be incapable of hosting a successful and safe playdate?

Having had an exit affair does cloud the waters. I haven't read your previous threads about what he was like before, but on the face of it, it's not unreasonable for him to be angry about that. Objectively, to me, you have somewhat sabotaged his ability to attempt positive relationships with DD's friends parents by giving a one-sided account of the relationship breakdown.

@coverp just to quickly clarify, I haven't said anything at all to any of dd's friends other than this one mum, who I only very vaguely mentioned years ago about him being very threatening to me at the time of the split because I was clearly extremely anxious and scared about being alone in the house with him (in the same convo I told her that we had both behaved badly). I'm certainly not gossiping at the school gates about DD's dad being a dickhead, far from it.

I wouldn't bring this up to the other mum. You just put her in an awkward position and it will impact on your own friendship with her. And it's not your problem to sort.

If your ex husband is aggressive and horrible to you, then he is by default not a good dad. Good dads aren't abusive to their child's mum!

Other mum probably feels he has the potential to be a loose canon and she has tactfully declined invitations. Listen to what she's discreetly saying.
And tbh, you can't guarantee her child will be okay with him - he might he fine with his own dd but if he's prone to aggressive behaviour, who knows? Dont be getting into situations where you are guaranteeing his behaviour.

I agree with this, yes he is horrible but you have sabotaged (thrown the grenade and watched it blow) in terms of his ability to form positive relationships with other mums in particular

It's kind of like you having a son involved in sports which fathers tend to watch/facilitate, then dad going to the rugby club or whatever and telling the other dads that you are neurotic, had an affair with some scrumbag and broke up your marriage

Can you imagine now approaching these dads to set up a play date with their sons? Wouldn't be the easiest would it?

@Mgup I would agree if that was the case, but I haven't done that (see my previous response). He has made zero attempt to arrange anything with any other mums other than this one friend on the corner of his road, presumably because it's convenient and dd mentions it at the weekend when they walk past her house. He has not proactively done anything else at all.

He is entirely responsible for what happens when she is with him, if she wants a play date during his time he arranges it

OP has the right to tell people how he behaved with her though. They didn't split because she had an affair - they split because he was abusive. She does have a right to mention this to her friend.
And other people have a right to judge him for it and not want you to trust him with their dc.
These are natural consequences.

And he's not actually gone out there and tried to build contact with other parents, just relied on the OP to facilitate.

Stop indulging the man's wittering. The only relevant emails to you are about contact timings. Ignore everything else, or occasionally reply with a thumbs up or 'ok.'
It's not your job to give a shit what he says.

Yes, this is what I’d do.

Tbf, to some women, there’s always going to be a “thing” about dealing with a male parent instead of a female. Not everyone would be comfortable doing this. Not everyone would send their dd on a play date with only a male parent supervising. That may be nothing to do with the male in question, it may be something she’s not comfortable with for her own reasons.

If you need to reply at all to his demands (and I wouldn’t bother) just say that 50/50 parenting means 50/50 social arrangements and play date admin.

Yes but this 'one friend' is your DD's best friend so not just a random child living on his street

Again I am not excusing your ex's behaviour, however Mumsnet is what I call the 'land of the ideal' where dad's can/ will organise play dates and pretty much do all the things a mum would, however in REALITY, as mums we do these things for our kids

This weekend alone, I organised my child's birthday party with his classmates, sent the invites, was the RSVP contact, booked the venue, we used joint account for paying, however I did the party bags, sent the thank you texts afterwards etc for our JOINT child! Why did I do this, for my son.

We all moan on here re organising Christmas gifts etc, making the house nice etc, every year we are told to just leave it all to the men in our lives and sit back with a glass of Prosecco, however perhaps it's mum guilt etc or intuition but we do actually KNOW that without our input, the children would not have as quality of life as they could

Perhaps this is why some men quickly replace the mother of their children with a step mum to share the load or do the 'wife work', then shortly afterwards, you get the mums online starting threads called 'AIBU or is it not step mums role to organise daughters play dates'

@Mgup yes I agree really, I'm the same in that I organise everything for my daughter, bday party and all. He of course just turned up and enjoyed it! I coordinate everything for her and involve him, and I'm happy to do that because it's what she needs and deserves. I just don't see how I'm meant to practically facilitate play dates at his, especially when he has never asked me to do anything (other than messages between this one mum). Which is what my original post was about I guess!

No he's being a twat. Is it all mums at the school gate is it? No dad's at all ever? I refuse to believe that. My DH manages to arrange plenty of playdates for the kids and we are still together, but he wouldn't just leave it all to me. He chats to other dads on the school run and to the mums I know.
Your ex is being ridiculous. It's essentially just him thinking you've told people he's abusive.. and trying to make out you are the bad guy for that. You aren't. Doesn't matter who had an affair. I'd let my child go to play at someone's house if their parent had had an affair... I would not let my child go round to play at the house of a man I found out to be violent to women.
And that's not your problem it's his. It's his behaviour that caused the issue if there is one with this mum not wanting her kids round there. Don't be shamed into not being honest about what he did.

I posted on your old threads OP under a different name.

No surprises he's still being abusive towards you and using coparenting as a stick to beat you with.

You know you don't need to be his PA but ultimately your misplaced guilt for leaving what was an absolutely horrendously abusive marriage is allowing him to control you still.

He was utterly awful to you and those on this thread without the backstory won't have the perspective of who you are dealing with here.

It wasn't your fault you had to leave. It was HIS fault, HIS behaviour that meant you had no choice if you were to give your DD a healthy environment to grow up in. You stayed as long as you possibly could, he had far too many chances, and yet he still couldn't behave like a decent person, he had to abuse you because that's who he is.

It wasn't your fault. It was HIS fault.

Did you go back to therapy to work through your feelings about the end of the marriage? You need to let go of the guilt somehow, OP.

I really hope things are still going well with OM

I wouldn’t want my DD being supervised by a dad on his own. I’m sure 98% of them are harmless but I wouldn’t risk it.

When the child comes to your house to play, does the Mum stay to chat/supervise?

I always stayed when DC were that age, and other parents stayed at my house too (although we tended to phrase it as 'do you want to come over for coffee and the kids can play'). It's probably more likely that she'd drop her DD off with your ex rather than hanging around for a chat, and the child might not want to be left with a parent they don't know. I know my DC wouldn't have liked it (eldest has ASD so found it tricky to navigate social situations without a trusted adult at that age).

Why are you taking this on? You cheated on him and you split up. In comparison to what he’s done and continues to do this is nothing!
The man is still abusing you. He’s not a good dad, and not someone I would want influencing my child. I know you don’t have much choice there, but don’t kid yourself it’s all good.
How long till she hears the vile stuff he comes out with? She will already be picking up the vibes. What about when he gets another partner and treats her like this around your daughter? What about when your daughter displeases him and he turns it on her? Stand up to this vile creature now. And don’t organise play dates at his house. I wouldn’t want my child near him and if you organised it and I later found out he was like this I wouldn’t be happy with you. Let him sort it himself and stop letting your guilt make you accept this crap from him.

"Yes, good idea, you arrange play dates for your contact time and I will continue to arrange play dates for mine".

She mentioned it to ONE mum. Because she was terrified. He was being very threatening- I clearly recall the threads. He’d have been a frightening abusive arsehole whether she had the affair or not. He was doing things like sound recording him talking to her very reasonably while making threatening gestures or writing violent notes so she was both terrified of him there and then and could see him deliberately building fake evidence for court so was terrified of losing her child. Was she supposed to during this time work hard at actively protecting his reputation as well? I wouldn’t want my child at his house whether he’s a good dad or not. He can start to build his own relationships aka fool other parents without having his ex have to pretend he’s a decent guy. Thats all on him. The single dad at school we know because he’s at tuckshop etc volunteering his time. My own Dh has been busy organising play dates for our ds heading into starting school so he knows some of the other boys. This man can do some of the work.

What an arse.

Ignore him.

None of this is your problem.