My mother spoke to my ex husband

[Allbutone]

Hi all,

So I'm feeling really upset today, but I don't know if I slightly exaggerated.
So my DD was staying over at mums for a few days. She normally doesn't like staying over at nans because she is misses me quite a lot.
Whenever she gets upset or misses me I get to speak to her by phone or FaceTime.
Because she hasn't seen her dad for a while she kept asking for him. My mother called him and FaceTimed him. We've been divorced for a while and it ended quite badly.
I was ranting to her a few days ago about he's actions and how it's been making me feel.
My DD told me she spoke to her dad. I later confronted my mum. I am extremely hurt as I feel like it wasn't her place to call him. I feel like she should've spoken to me first.

I would appreciate your opinions!

Is there a good reason your DD shouldn't be speaking to her father?

I think that if her dad is a good dad and there are not any concerns then if ur daughter wants to talk to her dad, then that's s fine. Ur mom.told you. It good for your daughter and u to spend time apart too.

How would you feel if your ex mil had dd and dd asked for you and the call wasn’t facilitated?

I personally think your mum did the right thing by your DD.

If she had called you, would you have told her "no don't let DD speak to him?"

I think your mother done it for your DDs sake unless you say why she has no contact, it's really hard to say. She's obviously trying to put your DDs feelings first.

Unless there's a backstory here, your daughter has the right to speak to her father when she wants.

This. Unless your DD is not allowed contact with her dad, and that’s a whole different story, then asking to speak to her dad is ok?
If it helps, my mum used to stay with her ex in-laws much to the horror of my dad.

When she misses you she gets to speak to you. Is there a reason she shouldn't speak to her dad when she misses him?

Unless your mother also managed to talk to your ex and said Allbutone is a right cow and your better off without her then I think you owe your mother who has given up her time to look after your child an apology.

Maybe she should have arranged it with you first, but her heart was in the right place. Phoning ex without your permission wasn’t a dig at you, so there’s nothing really to be hurt about. She was just looking out for her gc.

Poor grandmother! All she did was facilitate a FaceTime call!

She kept asking to speak to her Dad, your mum let her. If you're stopping her from speaking to her Dad then you will be met with a hell of a lot of resentment as she gets older, no matter what you feel about him or what he's done. It's very hard sometimes but you are being unreasonable to your mum.

Having had a DM who was besties with my ex in laws I understand how galling this is for you. But your DD asked to speak to her Dad so your DM did the right thing. Sorry.

Your daughters wanted to speak to her Dad. That trumps your hurt feelings. Your mum did the right thing.

As pp said how would you have felt if she had been at your inlaws & got upset & wanted to speak to you. You'd fully expect them to facilitate that. It works both ways

From what you’ve told us so far you’re being a bit unfair. Your DD wanted to speak to her father, is she not allowed contact?
I thought you were going to say your mum had been contacting him for her own reasons or seeing him socially.
She didn’t phone him to have a bitch about you or tell him stuff you don’t want him
to know??
Your daughters contact with her father is separate from his issues with you.
This is presuming he is a decent enough dad who is not a risk to her?

Honestly OP, grow up. This is about your daughter, not you.

And apologise to your mother.

Your mum isn’t taking sides. She’s just done what she could to keep your daughter happy. You left her in charge and she should not have to run this by you. What would you have said - no she can’t speak to her own dad? You are in the wrong here and your mum deserves an apology.

Unless there is a big drip feed you aren’t telling us then your mum did the right thing, your daughter should be able to speak to her father absolutely anytime she wishes.
Sounds like you’re pleased your dd doesn’t like to be away from you and are actually trying to fuel the anxiety so you can use it as a reason not to give any access to your husband.
Do not use your child as a weapon to beat your ex with.

It wasn’t her calling your ex it was her helping her granddaughter speak to her father.

I later confronted my mum

Well, I hope you won’t need any more babysitting favours from her for a while, then. Poor bloody woman. Can’t do right, for being wrong. You owe her an apology and lots of gratitude.

Your mum didn't speak to your ex. Your daughter spoke to her dad. The fact they're one and the same is irrelevant.

Unless there's a back story, and she's not allowed contact, your mum hasn't done anything wrong. Did you tell your mum your daughter wasn't to ring him?

Your DD wanted to speak to her dad. Your DM facilitated this. Unless there are safeguarding or legal reasons she's not allowed to speak to her dad then you're definitely being unreasonable. It sounds like you're letting the bad end to your relationship interfere with your daughter's contact with her dad and your mum probably recognised this and is trying to put your DD first.

Your mum did the right thing.

It's how your daughter was feeling and who she wanted to talk to that's important.

What goes on between parents in a divorce should not impact a child's relationship with their mum and dad. Keep it between the adults and keep children out of it.

Apologise to your mum, OP. She did what was best for your daughter.

Your child shouldn’t be used as a weapon to hurt or control people.

If you are deliberately withholding contact from your ex to hurt him then you are weaponising your child

Somethimg tells me you are now doing the same to your mother?