Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

My mother spoke to my ex husband

57 replies

Allbutone · 06/01/2024 19:06

Hi all,

So I'm feeling really upset today, but I don't know if I slightly exaggerated.
So my DD was staying over at mums for a few days. She normally doesn't like staying over at nans because she is misses me quite a lot.
Whenever she gets upset or misses me I get to speak to her by phone or FaceTime.
Because she hasn't seen her dad for a while she kept asking for him. My mother called him and FaceTimed him. We've been divorced for a while and it ended quite badly.
I was ranting to her a few days ago about he's actions and how it's been making me feel.
My DD told me she spoke to her dad. I later confronted my mum. I am extremely hurt as I feel like it wasn't her place to call him. I feel like she should've spoken to me first.

I would appreciate your opinions!

OP posts:
2jacqi · 07/01/2024 10:22

@Allbutone why does your mother even have contact details of your ex???? i would not be happy with what she did either!

cardibach · 07/01/2024 10:27

2jacqi · 07/01/2024 10:22

@Allbutone why does your mother even have contact details of your ex???? i would not be happy with what she did either!

Because he's the father of her grandchild? A grandchild she sometimes looks after. It would be mad not to be able to contact both parents, surely?
What about helping the little girl co tact her dad would make you unhappy?

BodyKeepingScore · 07/01/2024 10:29

2jacqi · 07/01/2024 10:22

@Allbutone why does your mother even have contact details of your ex???? i would not be happy with what she did either!

Presumably she had them from when her daughter was still with him. Should she have deleted them? Seems unsafe to do so when she cares for their daughter and may need them for an emergency. Aside from that, deleting them would be somewhat immature

Persipan · 07/01/2024 10:34

What on earth? Unless there is some massive, unusually extreme drip-feed to come, of course your daughter should be able to talk to her dad when she wants to and of course your mum should facilitate that if needed.

EveryDayIsASchoolDayOnMN · 07/01/2024 10:39

I agree, it is not your mum's place to facilitate this. She overstepped imo and I would be annoyed too in your position. She doesn't have to pick up the pieces of any comeback with DD of that decision, you do.

Original poster
Allbutone · 07/01/2024 10:43

Ok. I'm going to give a bit more context as to why I became upset/Angry.
My DD has spoken to her dad a few times before while staying over at mums.
However, I think my anger has been displaced because for the past few days I was ranting about his behaviour, which I haven't done in a while.
Me and my mothers relationship has been rocky for a while now due to her treatment of me during the divorce proceedings. She has had meeting with ex in laws fe times to discuss my situation and hasn't told me. She has spoke to my ex during divorce proceedings and has not disclosed to me what they discussed.
I have never stopped my DD from seeing or speaking to her father. But, on this occasion I was a little bit upset. She asked why he's wasn't seeing them this weekend and he tells her that I said no to this weekend because I was busy.
My rant to her was that he went on a 2 month holiday without letting me know how long he was going and that I received the CM payment a week late.
She called me a liar and said that you said he hasn't been making effort but he asked to see the kids this weekend but you said no. We don't have a current schedule as to when he gets to see the kids. He requests to see them at random times and I've just always gotten along with that. So I think her calling me a liar triggered me coupled with her previous behaviour.

OP posts:
DirectionToPerfection · 07/01/2024 10:58

If you have such a rocky relationship with your mother then why are you asking her to look after your child?

You can't control what kind of relationship your family members or friends will have with your ex and his parents. Especially when there's a child involved, you can't just pretend the other parent and set of grandparents don't exist.

It probably doesn't help that you're ranting at your mother, you need to discuss this like rational adults. This just comes off as very immature.

I think the next step is formalising a schedule so he can't just come and go as he pleases, and he can't claim that you're withholding access.

Original poster
Allbutone · 07/01/2024 11:14

DirectionToPerfection · 07/01/2024 10:58

If you have such a rocky relationship with your mother then why are you asking her to look after your child?

You can't control what kind of relationship your family members or friends will have with your ex and his parents. Especially when there's a child involved, you can't just pretend the other parent and set of grandparents don't exist.

It probably doesn't help that you're ranting at your mother, you need to discuss this like rational adults. This just comes off as very immature.

I think the next step is formalising a schedule so he can't just come and go as he pleases, and he can't claim that you're withholding access.

To be honest she helps me with the children here and there when the dad doesn't show up.
We've never cleared the air or tried to fix our relationship we're just very cordial.
I don't think having a rant is immature. But I do need to arrange a schedule for when the kids get to see there dad.

OP posts:
C1N1C · 07/01/2024 11:17

Sooo... you were pissed with exh and wanted him to suffer.

Mumof3confused · 07/01/2024 16:38

Sounds like your mum is a narcissist and so if your ex. It’s no wonder you fell for him with your history.

My advice to you: tell your mum absolutely nothing whatsoever about your situation or your feelings. It will only come back to bite you. She will use it to control you.

GuinnessBird · 07/01/2024 16:58

You have no right to be upset.

millymollymoomoo · 07/01/2024 17:20

Put in place a proper schedule
but allow a little flexibility

it’s your daughter that differs in all this

Original poster
Allbutone · 07/01/2024 21:21

Mumof3confused · 07/01/2024 16:38

Sounds like your mum is a narcissist and so if your ex. It’s no wonder you fell for him with your history.

My advice to you: tell your mum absolutely nothing whatsoever about your situation or your feelings. It will only come back to bite you. She will use it to control you.

I appreciate you're feedback. Yes! I need to learn how to keep things to myself. Hopefully I've learned my lesson this time round.

OP posts:
Evanesy · 07/01/2024 21:34

But did he ask to see your daughter and you said no?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 07/01/2024 21:35

Why is mum a narcissist? If its true dad asked to see dd and op said no, then farmed dd to g'ma, then that's unfair and hurting dd in order to piss off the ex.

Original poster
Allbutone · 08/01/2024 11:57

Evanesy · 07/01/2024 21:34

But did he ask to see your daughter and you said no?

I said no to that weekend. Remember we don't have a schedule in place so I said the weekend after that.

OP posts:
Wheresthefibre · 08/01/2024 12:01

Your Child asked to speak to her Dad. Why can’t your mum call him and let the child speak to him?

If anyone is a narcissist it’s not your mum.

Wheresthefibre · 08/01/2024 12:04

Can I ask. This weekend just gone, he wanted to see his child. You said no. But sent the child to your mothers. So you weren’t with your child either?

crumblingschools · 08/01/2024 12:05

How does CMS work if you don’t have set times?

How old is your DD?

Evanesy · 08/01/2024 12:11

Allbutone · 08/01/2024 11:57

I said no to that weekend. Remember we don't have a schedule in place so I said the weekend after that.

Show quote history

So to make a point, you allowed your daughter to miss her dad and refused to let her see him? So it’s wrong for you to say you’ve never stopped her seeing him?

And your mum pulled you up on it?

Your mum doesn’t sound like a narcissist at all. You’re the one using your daughter as a pawn. And honestly, I wonder if there are other things you have misrepresented to you mum which has meant she feels the need to speak to your ex to get the truth (still wrong but she clearly doesn’t think you’re honest about him).

LittleGreenDragons · 08/01/2024 12:31

Get court ordered contact in place as a matter of urgency. Your child wants to have access to her dad and you are preventing her. That's nasty of you.

Your issues with ex husband are your issues as a partner. You haven't posted anything regarding issues as a father.

I agree with pp, you are upset with your mother because she pulled you up on your games. She's trying to put the child first. You all should.

However...it's perfectly fine to have a rant/vent. Maybe keep a journal?

BodyKeepingScore · 08/01/2024 12:32

So he asked to see his child... you said no for apparently no good reason because you decided to leave your child with your mum instead of allowing her to be with her parent. Then you subsequently got angry at your mum for allowing her to even speak to her dad?
It sounds like spite that you stopped her seeing her dad if you were going to dump her on your mum anyway.

thinktwice36 · 08/01/2024 12:36

‘My rant to her was that he went on a 2 month holiday without letting me know how long he was going and that I received the CM payment a week late. ‘

dont make your kid a pawn to use if CM arrangements are shit. Be the bigger person and don’t withhold contact with her other parent.

clappity · 08/01/2024 12:39

Evanesy · 07/01/2024 21:34

But did he ask to see your daughter and you said no?

If he randomly sees dd and disappears for 2 months with no notice then he can hardly expect the world to stop and agree with every date he proposes. It sounds like the OP has agreed every time until just now. It's not appropriate for the man to just call the shots and for the OP to be blamed when it sometimes firework for her.

clappity · 08/01/2024 12:39

Fireworks =doesn't