My mother spoke to my ex husband

[Allbutone]

Hi all,

So I'm feeling really upset today, but I don't know if I slightly exaggerated.
So my DD was staying over at mums for a few days. She normally doesn't like staying over at nans because she is misses me quite a lot.
Whenever she gets upset or misses me I get to speak to her by phone or FaceTime.
Because she hasn't seen her dad for a while she kept asking for him. My mother called him and FaceTimed him. We've been divorced for a while and it ended quite badly.
I was ranting to her a few days ago about he's actions and how it's been making me feel.
My DD told me she spoke to her dad. I later confronted my mum. I am extremely hurt as I feel like it wasn't her place to call him. I feel like she should've spoken to me first.

I would appreciate your opinions!

OP

Getting worked up and angry will cloud your judgement and you may make bad decisions. But most importantly you won’t deal with the actual issue. Which is that you need your ex to agree and stick to a co parenting arrangement. Otherwise you will be constantly frustrated and stuck with being the person who “allows” things. As a co parent you facilitate things which he has agreed to. Give him the responsibility of being a parent. If he fails it will be in him and can justify the arrangement being altered.

If your ex is letting your child down and causing problems then just record it and present it back to him or whoever may be deciding your child arrangement order.

Agree a parenting plan that sets out how you manage things. Some parents are rigid about arrangements and some aren’t. Your plan should address what happens if the other parent cannot meet their responsibilities under the agreement. For example how it is communicated and when and who is responsible for resolving the problem.

Use a parenting app for communication about things.

Discuss how his CMS is paid. If he cannot be relied upon then you can suggest a standing order or CMS collection. Decline anything ad hoc if you need the money by a certain date. Personally I would not accept anything other than a standing order or CMS collection.

IMO in this example you did ask your mother to provide childcare because he wasn’t available. She has now found out he was and had offered. You certainly mislead her. She was right to let your child contact her father if they asked.

There are different things going on simultaneously here but you are treating them as all the same:

You are understandably angry with your ex for being erratic and unreliable in terms of time with your DD and payment of CMS. Linked to this, you feel that your mother has previously gone behind your back to speak with your ex and, it is implied, that you think she has been taking his side in these conversations? So you have an issue with her too. Both of these are understandable.

At a separate level, you have said he cannot have your daughter this weekend. It's not entirely clear, but it appears you have said that to punish him for being unreliable re both contact and finances. That is not reasonable or fair.

Then thirdly, your DD asked to speak to her dad while she was with your mother and your mother agreed to facilitate that. But because of your overall frustration, you feel this was not appropriate.

You have the right to be upset about your ex's behaviour and possibly about your mum's, but you are being unfair and unkind in expecting your DD to suffer even more as a result.

My daughter wasn't staying over at my mothers over the weekend. She stayed with her for two days during the week. The reason why I said no was, he didn't even ask for the children his sister was the who called me and asked to see the kids whilst he was away. They asked me to let them know when they could see the kids and I told them the previous weekend. They said they were too busy and that they can do this weekend. I have never denied access to his kids. In fact, he came and went as he pleased and I've never said anything. However, this time it's different.

The Op hasn’t said no to the dad and then arranged childcare by mum instead.

Also anyone that suggest Op should just drop all pre-arranged plans as soon as the dad clicks his fingers clearly have not experienced separation from a controlling and abusive man.

It sounds like he comes and goes as he likes, and your mum is being very underhand about things - I think it was right that she allowed the call during her time with your child but it NOT ok for her to meet your ex and then keep the detail of their conversation a secret. She’s obviously not on your side so don’t tell her anything you don’t want him or his family to hear.

They are both controlling you and you need to take back control. Issue form C100 and get contact court ordered. This will solve many of the issues you’re facing. He deserves to see his child but it’s not your job to facilitate contact with HIS family members!

Your updates are irrelevant. It doesn't matter what he has done to you, it's totally unconnected to his relationship with his daughter. He is no risk to her safety so why shouldn't she call him?

She wanted to speak to him, she and he have every right to facetime each other whenever they like. Stop using your daughter as a weapon.

Her mother can speak to anyone she wants. I have spoken to ex in-laws and not told my family member. Can’t image why I would. It is not a big thing. The OP might not like it but it’s fundamentally not something she can dictate.

I don’t endorse this as a life rule either. Not related to this post but there are very good reasons why wider family members might want to talk to each other.

But this is the wrong thing to focus on. The OP needs a child arrangement order that is detailed and addresses her concerns and issues. Thats how she takes control.

I get why you are upset with your mum. She has a history of disrespecting and infantilising you by sticking her nose into your business where she has no right to. I think the phonecall is a bit like the straw that broke the camel's back. Meeting with in-laws to discuss your marriage/divorce, discussing you with your exH during the divorce. All very inappropriate and wildly overstepping. It makes sense that you don't trust her or feel she has your best interests at heart.

The situation with your exH doesn't sound ideal for your DD if she's missing her dad, he's buggering off for months at a time and there's no stability or routine in her contact with him.

I'd stop relying on your mum for childcare or giving her any information about your private life. By confiding in her, you are gifting her the means to involve herself in your business. Just stop. You don't need to fall out, just dial it back and keep communication very superficial.

I'd also formalise a contact arrangement with exH and, if he doesn't reliably pay on time, go through CMS for maintenance.