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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

House - his mum gave most of deposit

76 replies

BackFromABreak · 28/12/2023 13:44

I'm currently a SAHM with two young children. The older starts school in September. I feasibly should be able to find work I can do from home in my prior field. However, we currently live in London and I won't be able to afford to keep living here. I think the best option would be moving near my parents, where I would also have a bit of childcare help.

We have owned a home together for two years. I contributed a portion of the deposit, but the vast majority came from his mother as a gift. How would this be divided up in a divorce?

I'm trying to work out the feasibility of setting up a home for me and my kids close to my parents, which is much cheaper than London. I'm resigned to the fact it will probably be back to renting.

OP posts:
DocOck · 28/12/2023 13:45

Not sure on the legalities but I was in a similar situation and I let my ex-DH take that money back, it only seemed fair, it wasn't mine.

Comefromaway · 28/12/2023 13:48

Most mortgage companies will have insisted that a gifted deposit declaration was signed ensuring your mil has no claim on the house and that it was an unconditional gift to you both.

so unless the marriage was very short lived then it will be classed as a marital asset.

Original poster
BackFromABreak · 28/12/2023 13:49

I can see your logic. I'm mainly just concerned with having enough to be able to give my kids a decent home near a reasonable primary school, I'm not really thinking beyond that. I need enough money to get started and then I need to find sufficient work to keep it going. I don't think my parents will have my kids 5 days a week but they might contribute which will keep childcare costs down.

OP posts:
Original poster
BackFromABreak · 28/12/2023 13:49

@Comefromaway we've been married 6 years. What counts as short lived?

OP posts:
adriftabroad · 28/12/2023 13:50

You are married with children.
Home is marital asset.

adriftabroad · 28/12/2023 13:50

under 5 is short marriage

adriftabroad · 28/12/2023 13:52

But housing DCs takes precedent while young.
Does he want 50/50?

Overthebow · 28/12/2023 13:52

How far away do your parents live?

Berthatydfil · 28/12/2023 13:54

adriftabroad · 28/12/2023 13:50

under 5 is short marriage

unless there are children of the marriage

adriftabroad · 28/12/2023 13:54

True.
OP has been married 6 years anyway.

Original poster
BackFromABreak · 28/12/2023 13:55

@adriftabroad I'm not sure. This is a big issue. If he did want that, I don't see how I could stay in London to make it possible. He works long hours during the week (makes it home for kids bedtime 2/5 nights a week on average) so I don't think it would be a sensible demand, but I'm not sure if he'd insist if it came to it. He'd definitely sincerely want to spend time with them. I'd want to enable that on weekends. He's not a bad father but our relationship is a different thing and I can't keep living like this.

His job is in London, but I can't see how I could afford a separate home with space for kids here. There's just no way. It's the main thing that makes me feel trapped.

OP posts:
Original poster
BackFromABreak · 28/12/2023 13:56

@Overthebow 3.5 hours drive, or a couple of hours on the train (and then an hour in a car from the station)

OP posts:
adriftabroad · 28/12/2023 13:56

Then he cannot do 50/50.

This is good.

adriftabroad · 28/12/2023 13:58

No idea if you can move so far away. (Doesnt apply to my divorce!)

adriftabroad · 28/12/2023 13:59

Honestly? The house will have to be sold. IME OR you stay in it.

Original poster
BackFromABreak · 28/12/2023 14:00

Thanks for all the advice. I can see why moving that far would be seen as a problem, but what do they expect you to do when London is so expensive vs other parts of the country. Other people must figure this out but it just feels impossible to me right now.

OP posts:
Sodndashitall · 28/12/2023 14:00

adriftabroad · 28/12/2023 13:56

Then he cannot do 50/50.

This is good.

Good for whom? Not the kids. The OP said he's a decent dad so why would anyone start from the position that splitting the kids from a parent is good.

OP you need to be careful as moving the kids far away from their Dad and current home may be tricky for you. Especially if Dad wants to have 50 50 custody

notapizzaeater · 28/12/2023 14:00

He might not 'let' you move so far away, I wouldn't ....... how is he supposed to have a relationship with them at weekends when they are tired. Once they start school the kids will want to go to parties, clubs etc.

UC will pay a chunk of your childcare, I'd be looking further a job much more local so you can both parent.

adriftabroad · 28/12/2023 14:01

@Sodndashitall as I said,no idea.

adriftabroad · 28/12/2023 14:05

IME (which is unfortnately huge right now; but DC is 14) Sell house, both buy flat, you stay in London so Dad has access.

You will get CMS as he cannot see them 50/50.

You have been a SAHM and facilitated family thus far.
He sounds a high earner?

Asifiwouldnt · 28/12/2023 14:08

adriftabroad · 28/12/2023 13:56

Then he cannot do 50/50.

This is good.

What a horrible way to look at it

OP could one of your parents travel to you to stay over and help with childcare fortnightly or one day a week?

Could you move to outer london

it seems very cruel to separate children from a good father although I appreciate your predicament

LadyBird1973 · 28/12/2023 14:10

The best advice anyone can give you is to get a good solicitor.

If you are going to be housing the kids full time and responsible for the majority of the childcare and working around the children's schedules, then your life will be much harder than your ex husband's. Dont be too eager to be 'fair' to him without knowing fully the extra costs and limitations to your own work, due to caring for your shared children.
It might be that you are entitled to a rather share of the house, or retain the legal right to remain in it until the children are adult, so you can house them. Particularly if your husband objects to you moving away to where you have a better support network. Unless his mum had her deposit legally protected, it is a marital asset because it is in your home. It's for your h to reimburse her if she requires it, not you!

See a solicitor and agree to nothing without their advice

Original poster
BackFromABreak · 28/12/2023 14:10

I hadn't considered CMS, also universal credit going towards childcare. I will do some research.

He earns just into six figures, so objectively high compared with what people earn nationally but costs really add up.

OP posts:
Luckygreenduck · 28/12/2023 14:12

Moving that far would really stop the father been part of childcare or their day to day lives. Do you really want them in a car up to 7 hours every weekend? For the dad that would be 14? It sounds like you would be setting him up to fail. Long term it just would not be sustainable.
Could you move between or even ask him if he would consider selling up and both buying somewhere cheaper in outer London?

Doyoumind · 28/12/2023 14:14

Is that 3.5 hours on a good day and 5 on a Friday evening? There's a good chance he'll be able to block you from moving that far away. I agree that makes things hard. I think you'll have to sell the home and both potentially end up renting if there isn't enough to buy two London homes.