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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

House - his mum gave most of deposit

76 replies

BackFromABreak · 28/12/2023 13:44

I'm currently a SAHM with two young children. The older starts school in September. I feasibly should be able to find work I can do from home in my prior field. However, we currently live in London and I won't be able to afford to keep living here. I think the best option would be moving near my parents, where I would also have a bit of childcare help.

We have owned a home together for two years. I contributed a portion of the deposit, but the vast majority came from his mother as a gift. How would this be divided up in a divorce?

I'm trying to work out the feasibility of setting up a home for me and my kids close to my parents, which is much cheaper than London. I'm resigned to the fact it will probably be back to renting.

OP posts:
Sureaseggs44 · 28/12/2023 14:14

Have you actually spoken about all of this ? Or are you just tying to get your ducks in a row ?

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 28/12/2023 14:14

You each should retain the deposit you put in.

Original poster
BackFromABreak · 28/12/2023 14:15

I do see the point about moving away. I'd much prefer us to live close to each other if it was viable, I want him to be in their lives as much as is possible, I'm just finding it hard to see how I stay living here. There's been some things mentioned I hadn't considered so I will do more research. Thank you everyone for your help.

OP posts:
Original poster
BackFromABreak · 28/12/2023 14:16

@Sureaseggs44 we haven't spoken about it in detail but we've discussed the fact it isn't working, and the idea of divorce.

OP posts:
titchy · 28/12/2023 14:26

He's a high earner, so you'd get a decent amount of CM, which isn't included as income in an assessment for UC. So you'd likely be quite well off... UC will pay up to 85% of childcare costs and housing benefit at the 2 person rate for your borough if you moved into rented.

The equity in the house is a marital asset though, as is his pension, and you'd be likely to be awarded more than half of these. so you'd be wise to consult a solicitor to get a view as to what would be a reasonable split of assets. Remember cash from the sale of the house might rule you as ineligible for UC, though I think there maybe leeway for a few months - you could consider shared ownership.

NerrSnerr · 28/12/2023 14:30

I think this is something you need to sit down and talk with him.

My children have friends whose dad lives about 3.5 hours away and the children are now 9 and 7. They miss out on activities, parties and they're really tired on the Monday after they've been with the dad for the weekend. The drive on Friday takes about 4.5-5 hours as it's Friday rush hour. I wouldn't recommend making children have to travel that far to visit their dad (not to mention the time/ cost of you taking them even half way).

Could you move out of London but not near family so the children are closer to their dad?

tara66 · 28/12/2023 14:36

Perhaps H would be willing to move nearer to where you will be - like an hour and half from you and same time from work - so between you and his work? There might even be some fast trains to London he could take.

adriftabroad · 28/12/2023 14:38

Asifiwouldnt · 28/12/2023 14:08

What a horrible way to look at it

OP could one of your parents travel to you to stay over and help with childcare fortnightly or one day a week?

Could you move to outer london

it seems very cruel to separate children from a good father although I appreciate your predicament

Show quote history

No. This was a reply to the fact he did some bed times. He cannot do 50/50 childcare in this case, good. OP can get out of her marriage with financial appropriate support. Many men say 50/50 and carry on giving no support and doing no childcrae.

It was not in response to moving away. As I have already stated.

DocOck · 28/12/2023 14:41

Just be aware - my mortgage lender wouldn't take CMS into account when it came to affordability checks because this can change at any moment.

adriftabroad · 28/12/2023 14:47

OP. I am replying to you as someone who has spent a year in a horribly contested divorce.

I made the mistake of starting incredibly reasonably.

You do absolutely need to see a solicitor. IMOB EFORE you discuss anything with your husband.

You may find yourself in a good position.
Personally, I would not move away but use it as an example of how you have no support to manage childcare unless you do.
Best of luck.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 28/12/2023 14:47

I think you are cruel to move the kids 3.5 hours from their dad…. I think you need to find somewhere closer between your husband and parents that makes them seeing their dad easier.

Seek legal advice and find a job as a first duck in a row… take your time it sounds like you are safe just unhappy so take time to think about what is best for you and the kids 👧🏼

Mrsttcno1 · 28/12/2023 14:50

For those mentioning CMS, if he wants 50/50 you’re not going to get any.

You will almost definitely not be able to move that far away, and be aware that if you did and it goes to court over contact it will be YOU who is responsible for the travel back and forth. My friend is in this situation, moved her & her children from Newcastle to Birmingham after she split with their dad so approx 3 hours/3.5 on train. He initially blocked the move, and only relented when it was agreed SHE would do the heavy lifting on the travel as she is the one who chose to move and so she now spends a lot of time & money on that commute every single week.

Also he could absolutely argue that he can do 50/50 childcare, on a 6 figure salary he can demonstrate the ability to reduce hours or pay for assistance. The starting point for courts is 50/50 and again I have a friend in this position who didn’t think her ex would even want 50/50, but alas he did and he was able to prove a plan to do it.

Americansmoothie · 28/12/2023 14:53

OP could one of your parents travel to you to stay over and help with childcare fortnightly or one day a week?

It's not the 1950s: they're likely to be working themselves! It's incredibly unfair to ask this of OP's parents. OP has moved hours away from them and now to ask them to commute all that way to provide free labour on a regular basis is completely unreasonable. I wish MNers would stop looking on their own mothers as a resource to be exploited throughout their lives.

LemonTT · 28/12/2023 15:08

Comefromaway · 28/12/2023 13:48

Most mortgage companies will have insisted that a gifted deposit declaration was signed ensuring your mil has no claim on the house and that it was an unconditional gift to you both.

so unless the marriage was very short lived then it will be classed as a marital asset.

This is not necessarily true or good advice. The OPs MIL could certainly challenge the definition as a gift. I’m fairly sure this has been successful.

wudubelieveit · 28/12/2023 15:15

Have you heard of bird nesting ie.you retain the family home, the kids stay put but parents take it in turns to rotate out to a flat you rent/purchase nearby . Eg. You stay there the majority of the week then swop out for weekends etc.Your kids are likely really young and if he’s a good dad it seems really unfair to burden everyone with the hours of travel time it will take to maintain good contact.

Stepbystepfan · 28/12/2023 15:15

You will get at least 50% of the house equity, even if he put in more. You have children together and have been married over 5 years. Don’t forget you need to house your children. He earns and you don’t currently so this will also be taken into consideration.

Avacardo2023 · 28/12/2023 15:16

You could sell the house and both move to outer London or an area commutable to London. There is a vast difference in prices for different areas of London.

I'm not sure it would be a good idea going from London to somewhere 3.5 hours drive away or an hour's drive from the station. It might be convenient for the odd day's childcare but not for much else, and is way too far from their Dad to foster a really close relationship and adequate contact.

CharlotteLightandDark · 28/12/2023 15:22

He could technically apply for a prohibited steps order to block you moving that far away. He’d be within his rights to certainly.

DocOck · 28/12/2023 15:29

Stepbystepfan · 28/12/2023 15:15

You will get at least 50% of the house equity, even if he put in more. You have children together and have been married over 5 years. Don’t forget you need to house your children. He earns and you don’t currently so this will also be taken into consideration.

It's not a given that you get 50% so that's not good advice. 50% is the starting point. Some people get more, some get less. I didn't get 50%.

Treeinthesky · 28/12/2023 16:06

Don't worry about it the deposit etc you wad married.

Few things.
You don't need a lawyer
Divorce can be done online.
Work out cost of home left owing.
Value home for market if you are doing this then personally get your own private surveyor out for valuation ignore estate agents.
Then just take the smaller number of the larger number and that's what you will get minus around 2k fees for the deeds solicitors etc.
You have lived there ages it's irrelevant who contributed what. You contributed your pension, work, body, life for him when you had your dc.

Next thing if your kids have a disability your income allowance increases on universal credit I did not know this!!!

Set up universal credit claim even if no disabilities

Treeinthesky · 28/12/2023 16:10

Also my mortgage advisor took cms into account as I'd had 3 months payments at that point. I've since gone via cms and get less but assessed yearly

jollywhite · 28/12/2023 16:17

Let's imagine this was a man posting saying that his wife's mother had put up the majority of the deposit - was he ok to take it the lot in the divorce settlement?

You'd all be up in arms calling him a cocklodger!

I'd be majorly fucked off if I gifted my son a huge amount of money for a house deposit and then his wife decided to get divorced and screw my son over for that money.

Would 100% not be able to live with myself.

When I split from my ex (no children admittedly) we had a mortgage which ex bought me out of in order to buy the house but I told him to take into account the fact he'd put the entire deposit down for the house. That's the decent thing to do. I then used that money to put down as a deposit on a place for myself.

Also think it's shit to deliberately move your children away from their father. How would that work if it was the Dad saying he was moving the kids away from the mother?!

Tryingtryingandtrying · 28/12/2023 16:21

There was a recent family court ruling which blocked the mother from moving the children to Somerset as it prevented the father from having the same relationship with the children as she did.

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 28/12/2023 16:25

2 years worth of mortgage payments really is nothing, when you sell the value may have increased but then sales fees will come into play.
what % did m-in-l chip in?

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