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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

He says I am being selfish

60 replies

Kwasi · 25/12/2023 17:19

I have not been happy for a long time and have started working towards gaining more financial independence. Last weekend, H lost his rag and said he wanted me and DS (5) out of the house the next day. That was never going to happen, as we have nowhere to go. However, it made me realise it is time to leave. I contacted CAB and would be entitled to UC until the house sale or settlement is complete. There's also a small chance of social housing. This has given me hope and confidence to leave.

However, H decided to back track and is now calling me selfish for still wanting to leave and because I will only see DS 50% of the time (I know in reality it will be more like 75%) and then every other Christmas morning. I can see where he is coming from but is it wrong that I think getting out of a toxic and controlling marriage is worth the sacrifice?

OP posts:
BCBird · 25/12/2023 17:22

Put yourself and your son first

arethereanyleftatall · 25/12/2023 17:24

Of course it's worth it.

freeandfierce · 25/12/2023 17:26

Get out and never look back, don't wait until it becomes impossible.

TheSandgroper · 26/12/2023 02:27

Well, he can say you are selfish but “I said it” does not equal “it is true”.

Get practiced at telling the difference and save yourself brain space for the important stuff.

Original poster
Kwasi · 26/12/2023 07:35

Thank you, everyone. I have no local support network, so it's easy to feel weakened by his words.

OP posts:
Isheabastard · 26/12/2023 08:56

It took me too long to realise that people don’t say the truth 100% of the time.

You and H now want different things. He sounds like he will say whatever he thinks to put the blame on you.

It really doesn’t matter what he thinks, and it doesn’t even matter if you are being selfish if it means you and your Ds can get a better life.

Sandgroper is right. Learn to tell the difference between him trying to blame you and truth.

He is not on your side, so what he says will be to his benefit, not yours.

Dogknowsbest · 26/12/2023 09:01

You've got to this point for a reason. Remember that reason and keep on moving forward. It's not selfish to want a better life for yourself.

FPCculture · 26/12/2023 11:20

Kwasi · 25/12/2023 17:19

I have not been happy for a long time and have started working towards gaining more financial independence. Last weekend, H lost his rag and said he wanted me and DS (5) out of the house the next day. That was never going to happen, as we have nowhere to go. However, it made me realise it is time to leave. I contacted CAB and would be entitled to UC until the house sale or settlement is complete. There's also a small chance of social housing. This has given me hope and confidence to leave.

However, H decided to back track and is now calling me selfish for still wanting to leave and because I will only see DS 50% of the time (I know in reality it will be more like 75%) and then every other Christmas morning. I can see where he is coming from but is it wrong that I think getting out of a toxic and controlling marriage is worth the sacrifice?

You see where he is coming from ? How ? He is the same person who literally wanted you out of the house with your son so don't make him guilt trip you darling. You will see your boy equally if not more and you shouldn't stay in a relationship just because of kids. Never wise

MintJulia · 26/12/2023 11:25

You have every reason to leave if that is what you want. A child needs happy parents, and your dc will benefit from no longer being in a toxic environment.

Take no notice of your dh. He lashed out verbally, ruined Christmas but is now backtracking for his own selfish reasons. He certainly hasn't changed his view for you or your child's benefit.

Original poster
Kwasi · 26/12/2023 11:34

Thanks for all the moral support. I have a phone appointment with the local housing authority on 2nd Jan. Renting privately will only leave me with about £200 a month for food and transport until I can find a job with more hours. I need to register with UC too, but will have to wait until I get back to work to do that.

OP posts:
Tilllly · 26/12/2023 11:37

Kwasi · 26/12/2023 07:35

Thank you, everyone. I have no local support network, so it's easy to feel weakened by his words.

And that's why MN is here

Just ask yourself, what on earth would you gain by staying

Original poster
Kwasi · 26/12/2023 11:41

Thank you. I am now just wishing the days away until I go back to work. He thinks everything is OK just because he's calmed down, so keeps touching my bum and trying to hug and kiss me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kwasi · 26/12/2023 15:58

He keeps asking me my plans. I have another week until I am back at work and don't want to make it hell by saying I am just waiting to hear about accommodation and money. What can I tell him? I was thinking of saying let's get counselling in the new year.

OP posts:
SeamsLegit · 26/12/2023 16:01

That might buy some time. You could add that you don't want to pretend everything is normal right now, that you will have to build back up to that with counselling, and that he shouldn't be touching you etc

Original poster
Kwasi · 26/12/2023 16:19

SeamsLegit · 26/12/2023 16:01

That might buy some time. You could add that you don't want to pretend everything is normal right now, that you will have to build back up to that with counselling, and that he shouldn't be touching you etc

Thank you. That's very helpful.

OP posts:
adriftabroad · 26/12/2023 16:32

Why are you leaving the house?
Why on earth are you doing this?

Original poster
Kwasi · 26/12/2023 16:52

adriftabroad · 26/12/2023 16:32

Why are you leaving the house?
Why on earth are you doing this?

There's no way in hell he will leave. I can't afford to run it and it is mid-too many DIY projects. Both showers are out of commission, the garden fence needs replacing and will cost a couple of grand. I just want somewhere small and manageable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kwasi · 26/12/2023 16:54

adriftabroad · 26/12/2023 16:32

Why are you leaving the house?
Why on earth are you doing this?

I should add that the mortgage is more than my salary.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/12/2023 16:58

You are leaving an abusive relationship. You are entitled to claim UC as a single parent so long you do no cooking/cleaning/laundry etc for him.

I would ring up and get the ball rolling on that, DWP may claim you can't but you can. You can explain about your housing appointment.

Prepare a grab bag, you may need to leave via a refuge if he escalates. Ensure you have all the paperwork etc, change of clothes and so on.

Original poster
Kwasi · 26/12/2023 17:07

RandomMess · 26/12/2023 16:58

You are leaving an abusive relationship. You are entitled to claim UC as a single parent so long you do no cooking/cleaning/laundry etc for him.

I would ring up and get the ball rolling on that, DWP may claim you can't but you can. You can explain about your housing appointment.

Prepare a grab bag, you may need to leave via a refuge if he escalates. Ensure you have all the paperwork etc, change of clothes and so on.

I plan to do a bag like this and leave it at my office. It's not far away and I have keys to access the building at any time. I want to try to find somewhere to store some belongings if possible but I don't know many people in my area.

OP posts:
adriftabroad · 26/12/2023 18:02

Can you see a solicitor first?

Very sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
Kwasi · 26/12/2023 18:14

adriftabroad · 26/12/2023 18:02

Can you see a solicitor first?

Very sorry you are going through this.

I plant to make an appointment in the new year. I work near a couple, so hopefully I can do it stealthily.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kwasi · 28/12/2023 22:30

I just need a little vent.

He is asking me every day if I have made a decision. I have but I don't want to tell him until I am back at work next week, as I can't sort anything out from home.

I need more excuses to put him off the scent.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/12/2023 23:01

Can you just tell him to back off and give you some space that you need a few months to decide?

Original poster
Kwasi · 28/12/2023 23:06

RandomMess · 28/12/2023 23:01

Can you just tell him to back off and give you some space that you need a few months to decide?

Months are out of the question. I'll get a week if I'm lucky.

I just need to find out what I am entitled to. I only earn £1100 a month (no option to increase hours but will look for another job) but rent for a 2 bed in my area are around £900/month.

OP posts: