He says I am being selfish

[Kwasi]

I have not been happy for a long time and have started working towards gaining more financial independence. Last weekend, H lost his rag and said he wanted me and DS (5) out of the house the next day. That was never going to happen, as we have nowhere to go. However, it made me realise it is time to leave. I contacted CAB and would be entitled to UC until the house sale or settlement is complete. There's also a small chance of social housing. This has given me hope and confidence to leave.

However, H decided to back track and is now calling me selfish for still wanting to leave and because I will only see DS 50% of the time (I know in reality it will be more like 75%) and then every other Christmas morning. I can see where he is coming from but is it wrong that I think getting out of a toxic and controlling marriage is worth the sacrifice?

He was out today, so I prepared by grab bag on your advice. I will sneak the contents to my office over my working days next week

Have you looked at entitledto website?

Have you asked what he wants?

I have looked at it. It says nothing because of the equity in the house.

He thinks it's best for our son to live with both parents. Earlier in the year, he suggested divorcing but still living together. He's honestly more bothered about losing half of 'his assets' has he's referred to them and losing face.

I will probably never own a home again but he will. He just won't be able to own somewhere as big.

@Kwasi do what is best for you and also for your son. Living with a controlling man (be it partner or dad) will not be good.

50/50 custody is not necessarily best for your son, look at what is best, maybe more time with you, and less with dad will be best for him and you.

"I will probably never own a home again but he will. He just won't be able to own somewhere as big."

Be open about what you may do in the future, you may get a good job/better job and own somewhere, but whatever you do, it'll be your place and no one will be able to tell you to get out.

In the short term if you move into rented you should be able to access the housing element of UC towards renting.

He doesn't want to lose his money nor his housekeeper or nanny.

On the future you could look at shared ownership, buying somewhere very small etc.

As my father used to say, 'a selfish person is one who thinks of themselves before they think of me.'

Age isn't on my side for a mortgage and I live in a fairly expensive part of the country but I hadn't considered shared ownership. I don't really know much about it.

I just left the room with my phone in it to go to the loo. When I came back, I went info Whatsapp and saw a message to my friend was open (I know I left it on the messages page). This message is me telling her that I am trying to leave my husband.

I am now doing bedtime with DS. I usually stay upstairs once he's asleep but H has asked me to go down.

Keep yourself safe. If things get angry or aggressive contact the police and Women's Aid

Thank you. It's all come to a bit of a head tonight despite trying to put it all off until after new year.

Op I think you need to slow down
unless you are in physical
danger then don’t move out no matter how hard it is

get some legal advice/ you are married and have a child. Priority will be ensuring they are housed adequately and you could seek an occupation order of the fmh while you work through separation and divorce and the financial settlement
you could also potentially claim
financial
support from him in this interim period ( ancillary relief ) depending on your circumstances

do t do anything until you’ve seen a solicitor
and just tell him he can’t make you leave and you’ve decided you’re not moving out. End of

Op, please also look at ADVICE NOW link at top of the board .

They have extremely good guides on the divorce processes including financial settlements and child custody.

you can download and read up so you are knowledgeable about your situation and what you should be getting out of the divorce in terms of “fair settlement “

agree nothing with stbex in terms of custody and financial settlements until you have both completed full financial disclosure using forms E and D81.

using these guides will help you understand what parts of process you need to use a solicitor, when you do not, and when you might. That helps to target your money onto right things legally. It also explains your rights to free legal support of you qualify.

I would add the general advice is not to leave the family home, but stay until financial agreements have been at least legally drafted and ready for court to “seal” at final order stage. I understand your difficulties in staying, but do be mindful and ensure stbex knows he mustn’t change locks, remove your things. He certainly can’t throw you out legally irrespective of your name is not on deeds. Marriage trumps who owns what. At divorce all assets, including pensions, housing, debts, income and savings and even cars are seen as marriageable joint assets in the pot for financial disclosure by law

@Appleofmyeye2023
@millymollymoomoo

I appreciate your advice. However, I can't remain living with him for as long as the settlement will take.

I am being called a money grabbing cunt every day. The atmosphere is unbearable. If I could afford to rent private, I would leave tomorrow and take nothing but my son and my belongings.

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. this isn’t the first man I’ve heard of who says “ let’s get divorced” and when the wife says “ok, yep” he backtracks. He wanted to threaten divorce to keep you in line, begging him to stay and promising to fix any “faults” he perceives, and it hasn’t worked.

If you're on UC as well as your salary, will you get housing and council tax benefit?

Don't forget child benefit and single person discount on ctax

CAB, Shelter, Gingerbread, Womens Aid, Turn2Us. There is all sorts of help out there. You're never alone

Just get away from the awful man

Is there anywhere at work where you could store some of your stuff?

But please please read tjecADVICE NOW links

irrespective of you needing to leave the house. It will help you understand you’re not being a money grabbing …and know your rights

@Bestyearever2024

I am going to contact CAB on Tuesday. I don't know if I will get UC because I have a rental property in a different part of the country. It doesn't make any money, just breaks even, but I don't know if the capital from this will be counted as savings. The house is jointly owned by me and STBEX but it's obviously going to be a long time before I can access the cash. I actually have another thread on this.

@Appleofmyeye2023

I absolutely will. Thank you very much.

He is saying he doesn't know why I would only want to do every other Christmas, etc.

To be honest, I think he's more worried about having to get out of bed 3 mornings a week.

This is from Shelter:

*Property is disregarded for six months when the claimant:[20]

has ceased to occupy their home following a relationship breakdown

has acquired it but not moved in yet

is taking steps to obtain possession of it

is taking reasonable steps to dispose of it

is carrying out essential repairs or alterations to make it fit for occupation

The DWP can use its discretion to extend the disregard period beyond six months where it is reasonable to do so in the circumstances.[21] DWP guidance gives examples of when it might be reasonable to disregard the property for longer.[22]*

I'm guessing property 1 can be disregarded as it's where husband lives and is part of the relationship breakdown

Property 2 can be disregarded as you're going to be/are taking steps to dispose of it and there's no rental income

Thank you. This is very helpful.

He's now saying he just wants an online divorce cos that's what his mate did. I don't think you can do that when there are assets, though.

It doesn't matter what he wants. If the properties are in both your names then how can you be money grabbing? It's your money. He's the one that sounds money grabbing. He will have to speak to your solicitor when the time is right. Make no promises and don't be bullied. Good luck op

Thank you. He's putting loads of pressure on me. He just wants to do an online divorce cos that's what his mate will grown up kids and no joint assets did.

Have a chat to a solicitor or 2 or 3

30 minutes free each time

The most important thing is to get a clean break financial order. THEN the divorce

The financial order is often the sticking point. The divorce is relatively easy and can be organised online AFTER the clean break financial order is signed off

You seem to be in his thrall, OP

Ignore everything he says. He's a twat

Chat here, to CAB Turn2Us etc and you'll receive advice from non twats