He says I am being selfish

[Kwasi]

I have not been happy for a long time and have started working towards gaining more financial independence. Last weekend, H lost his rag and said he wanted me and DS (5) out of the house the next day. That was never going to happen, as we have nowhere to go. However, it made me realise it is time to leave. I contacted CAB and would be entitled to UC until the house sale or settlement is complete. There's also a small chance of social housing. This has given me hope and confidence to leave.

However, H decided to back track and is now calling me selfish for still wanting to leave and because I will only see DS 50% of the time (I know in reality it will be more like 75%) and then every other Christmas morning. I can see where he is coming from but is it wrong that I think getting out of a toxic and controlling marriage is worth the sacrifice?

@Bestyearever2024

Thank you. Just very isolated as no friends or family in the area and stuck until I go back to work

You need a standard phrase you can say when he presents his wants - maybe ‘that’s interesting I’ll look into it’ or ‘I’ll put that on my list to consider’ or ‘maybe you could do some research on that and show me the details’.

Basically not agreeing to do anything (although you can agree and change your mind later), not outright saying no if you’re worried it would cause more trouble for you.

I do t wa t to minimise your situation but you have to start taking control

when he’s calling you names: ignore him
when he’s saying love out tell him: no
when he says he wants an online divorce simply say you’ll see what your solicitor says

you really really need a solicitor

it is possible to divorce online but you need a solicitor here for help with financials as it’s clear he’ll try and bully you. Don’t get divorced without having settling in place and sealed with a court first

tell him he is free to leave if he wishes
then seek an occupation order yo remove him followed by non molestation order if you need to

apply for cms
a d interim financial support
and any other benefits you may be entitled to

If you are feeling isolated post on here and ring one or more of the many helplines for those being abused. There's so much help for you. You're definitely not alone

@Bestyearever2024

Thank you. Getting all the supportive replies on here has really helped.

Very soon you'll be away from him. And you'll have legal and financial advice to ensure you stay away from him. 2024 is going to be your year 🥰

Really good advice from @millymollymoomoo

He's telling me again how selfish I am for denying DS of family trips and holidays. Apparently I am only thinking of myself in all of this.

I personally think DS will be better off not living in a house with two parents who don't want to be together and a mother who can't breathe.

Urgh all just emotional blackmail.

I know it is. Of course I am thinking about what is best for me, but I am also thinking about what's best for our son. We live in a horrible house full to the brim of DIY and car paraphernalia. DS can't have playdates because of it. The garden is also full of junk, so he can't even have friends over in the summer.