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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Abusive ex won't agree to house sale unless I give him 15k

92 replies

Gaergh · 16/12/2023 12:42

Divorce was finalised in summer. Initially thought that house was worth 350 and had paperwork in bundle stating this, then Zoopla estimates suggested 400. Judgement was made that 120k is ringfenced for me as DC plus older disabled child from prev relationship live with me. ExH gets 'up to' 50k then anything over that is split 50/50. House now not not likely to sell for more than 375k. House was bought with a 90k deposit from my parents, he contributed nothing; in hindsight I can see this was very stupid and he was a cocklodger. Ex has dragged his feet this whole time as he is the one in the house (long story) and house prices have gone down round here even in last few months. Court order states that house to be put on market immediately but we have to agree on sale price. Ex is refusing to sell unless I put in writing that I will give him 15,000 once house sells. He is saying he will take me back to court unless I agree to give him this money. I have no idea what to do; he has dragged me through the courts for years regarding the DCs, reported me vexatiously to police constantly, and made 12 separate referrals to social services (all NFA). He is LiP, I have borrowed money from family to pay for lawyers till now but nobody can afford to lend me anymore. I honestly feel like I am losing my mind. Any advice gratefully received thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Gaergh · 16/12/2023 13:57

LatteLady · 16/12/2023 13:44

Please tell me he has put this writing...

He has indeed, several times

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 16/12/2023 13:59

RMNofTikTok · 16/12/2023 13:43

Do NOT amend the order.

This is actually blackmail.

Report to both the police and make an application for contempt of court.

Show quote history

Start documenting stuff.

This is financial abuse. And all this trying to control you would potentially constitute part of coercive control.

Do not tell him the words coercive control but do inform yourself what it is and what it involves.

And do not give in to him.

Let him take you to court.

Original poster
Gaergh · 16/12/2023 14:00

RMNofTikTok · 16/12/2023 13:43

Do NOT amend the order.

This is actually blackmail.

Report to both the police and make an application for contempt of court.

Show quote history

Would the police take this seriously though?

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 16/12/2023 14:02

Gaergh · 16/12/2023 13:40

Thanks.. I think that his argument is that in the court bundles there was one estate agents report saying house was worth £350 or £360 but also some print outs from Zoopla saying it was worth £400 and it says we both agreed this is what the house was worth.

Can a judge throw it out without me having to go back to court? Like if he applies to court. He's talking about "obtaining a transcript from court"; is this even a thing? There wasn't anyone there taking notes on those weird little machines.
He's saying that we both agreed the house was worth £400k in court. So the judge made his judgement on this.

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Zoopla valuations are a pile of bollocks. It's meaningless.

An estate agent valuation is much more realistic and even then tend to be slightly over actual sale price.

And you still need an offer. It doesn't sound like you have.

I do think you need to be more realistic on this aspect of things.

Original poster
Gaergh · 16/12/2023 14:04

LemonTT · 16/12/2023 13:38

who lives in the house now?

if you live in it without him then market it for offers over 400k. No one will view and it won’t sell. What skin is it off your nose if you do what he asks.

He lives in the house now - I am with my parents (and DCs are here most of their time). He ended the relationship when I suddenly became seriously unwell. Then started using covid regs to say I couldn't go in the house or even collect my things. I have got some but not all of my stuff back now. We have both been paying mortgage all this time.

OP posts:
Fallenangelofthenorth · 16/12/2023 14:16

Is the agreement that you get the first 120k, he gets the next 50k and any extra is split 50/50? So every pound under the 400k list price comes out of his pocket but you still get the full 120k? If I've understood it properly then I can see why he's wanting compensating. I do understand why you're reluctant to give him anything at all if he's never contributed, I really do, but unfortunately I think he is entitled to something from the sale.

Original poster
Gaergh · 16/12/2023 14:22

RedToothBrush · 16/12/2023 14:02

Zoopla valuations are a pile of bollocks. It's meaningless.

An estate agent valuation is much more realistic and even then tend to be slightly over actual sale price.

And you still need an offer. It doesn't sound like you have.

I do think you need to be more realistic on this aspect of things.

Show quote history

We have an offer for £375 but he won't agree to it

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 16/12/2023 14:26

But why is he asking for 15k?

LemonTT · 16/12/2023 14:27

Gaergh · 16/12/2023 14:04

He lives in the house now - I am with my parents (and DCs are here most of their time). He ended the relationship when I suddenly became seriously unwell. Then started using covid regs to say I couldn't go in the house or even collect my things. I have got some but not all of my stuff back now. We have both been paying mortgage all this time.

Show quote history

I did wonder.

there is no good way to resolve this. Unless he relents your options are:

  1. go back to court and ask for an occupancy order that allows you to live their and market the property realistically
  2. go back to court and ask them to take over the sale. But i fear that as long as he lives there he can put buyers off. Although he will bear the cost of that before you do and the court will sell the minute they get an offer.
  3. give in and offer him some of what he is asking for.

I don’t think it will cost you £15k in fees to do 1 or 2. I would go for 1. Tell him this is what you intend to do. That you have control of the asset and can wait for however long to get a sale.

RMNofTikTok · 16/12/2023 14:32

@LemonTT has given some very good advice! It's free of charge to apply for an occupation order. He's being financially controlling so national centre of domestic violence will probably assist you free of charge!

RMNofTikTok · 16/12/2023 14:34

@Gaergh

Maybe, maybe not. But it would pave the way for an occupation order, which would allow you to exclude him from the property, do viewings and get the house sold. You have an order for sale so he cannot prevent you from selling.

LatteLady · 16/12/2023 14:34

Then OP, the written evidence is what you need to show to the judge, via your lawyer, to start things moving.

RMNofTikTok · 16/12/2023 14:39

LatteLady · 16/12/2023 14:34

Then OP, the written evidence is what you need to show to the judge, via your lawyer, to start things moving.

She doesn't need a lawyer. She can apply to enforce the order herself.

Pinkbonbon · 16/12/2023 14:44

Could you not just show the estate agent the court order? So long as you get your 120, does he even have a say? If you have 'Up to 50k' in writing.

Maybe you're letting him think he has more power than he does.

Look, these sort don't just stop asking for things when you make consessions. They ask for more things.

'No' has to become you're new normal.

He lives there just now too so he is not going to want to sell.

And he doesn't want to lose his power over you.

DO NOT give him any money.

That being said, if you can take the hit sale wise, the estate agent has to be the one to send the money to him AND to you. Do not have dealings with sending him money.

I'd see about that occupation order swiftly too. I wouldn't put it beneath him to burn your house down so you get nothing. Crazy, hateful people do that shit.

TheFormidableMrsC · 16/12/2023 14:53

Tell him to fuck off and take it back to court if he doesn't agree to the judgement and distribution that has already been set by the court. Do not be blackmailed. Be very clear to the court that that is what he's doing. He's skating on thin ice here. Hold your nerve!

mathanxiety · 16/12/2023 14:59

Ex doesn't have a lwg to stand on wet the £15k.

GET A SOLICITOR.
File a motion for contempt of court. He is disregarding the court order.

mathanxiety · 16/12/2023 15:02

Gaergh · 16/12/2023 14:04

He lives in the house now - I am with my parents (and DCs are here most of their time). He ended the relationship when I suddenly became seriously unwell. Then started using covid regs to say I couldn't go in the house or even collect my things. I have got some but not all of my stuff back now. We have both been paying mortgage all this time.

Show quote history

You need to take this matter to the police.

You need to gain access to the house. What he is doing is illegal. He has effectively thrown you out and made you and his own children homeless.

You need a residency order.

Please get a solicitor.

mathanxiety · 16/12/2023 15:05

RMNofTikTok · 16/12/2023 14:39

She doesn't need a lawyer. She can apply to enforce the order herself.

Show quote history

This woman absolutely needs a lawyer.

If she had one, she would be living in the house she is paying the mortgage on, with her children, and her abusive husband would be sleeping on a park bench.

OP, DO NOT go it alone against this crazy, hate filled man. You need to bring in some bug guns.

rwalker · 16/12/2023 15:06

It’s difficult as You can very easily spend £1000’s fighting this

pikkumyy77 · 16/12/2023 15:12

You are in a “high conflict divorce with a narcissist” google that phrase to find resources and information that may help. There is no point dealing with this bit by bit as though he is a normal person: he us not. His goals will shift as you accommodate him as his larger goal is to hurt you. His argument about the sale price/zoopla estimate is, of course, nonsensical and has no validity.

RMNofTikTok · 16/12/2023 15:29

@mathanxiety most people cannot afford a solicitor. Most people end up self representing in family court. It's designed for people to do so.

Original poster
Gaergh · 16/12/2023 15:37

I literally cannot afford a lawyer anymore. I've spent 10's of 1000's already on Children Act stuff because he was so agressive and sent loads of mad things to the court so the hours it took my solicitor to go through really added up (he has represented himself so cost to him is negligable). The children act stuff took priority over the house. Plus he would do stuff like send loads of unecessary things to my solicitor to read to bump up how much it cost me. He doesn't seem to care that it's put me in a horrible situation financially, which in turn affects his children. He has a grudge against me, that is all that matters to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gaergh · 16/12/2023 15:39

pikkumyy77 · 16/12/2023 15:12

You are in a “high conflict divorce with a narcissist” google that phrase to find resources and information that may help. There is no point dealing with this bit by bit as though he is a normal person: he us not. His goals will shift as you accommodate him as his larger goal is to hurt you. His argument about the sale price/zoopla estimate is, of course, nonsensical and has no validity.

Thanks for this xx
He really is NOT normal; ever since we split he has been absolutely obsessive about hurting me. It's unreal. He has had girlfriends but he hasn't moved on at all, literally all he cares about is ruining me financially, ruining my reputation, raising merry hell with school, GPs, dentists etc. Lots and lots of triangulation, constantly. It is like wading through treacle and I am always looking over my shoulder.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 16/12/2023 15:47

You are at war snd you need to treat it that way.

LemonTT · 16/12/2023 15:57

It’s not a police matter. They won’t chuck him out and let the OP move in.

The OPs ex has no reason to go to court. He is sitting happy in the property. It’s the OP who needs the sale so she can get her own home.

OP

At this stage you don’t have to instruct a solicitor. Just respond to his demand with a statement to say that you intend to apply for an occupation order. I would, as others say, just represent yourself. There is a very very good chance you will get it.

When he is looking for a place to live he will be happy to take what he can get.

You have to at least show you are prepared to go to court if you don’t want to pay him 15k.