Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

DH won’t budge

62 replies

Whakapapa · 14/12/2023 21:48

There is no relenting since we started the divorce. He is really mean but then just stays in the family home. At first it was pushing me to get things done around the house to his satisfaction for estate agents to come in (so I did), then making it look good for viewings (so I did, including taking on the decorating myself), and it has not stopped feeling I am being pushed to do things by him. I am still doing everything at home, and being treated no differently to when we weren’t divorcing (with the exception of him not even trying to be pleasant anymore). I have used inheritance to take the kids on holiday - they loved it. Even though it was money gifted to me he seems really angry about it.

I am wondering if he is staying for deeper financial reasons (he says I should go but that he cannot afford to, yet he is the income earner) and pushing the sale of the house may have someting to do with the tax outcome. I know that there is something about CGT and as we are within the tax year up to April 2024, if this is why. He is really horrible accusing me of provoking him when he rages, but I am honestly walking on eggshells all the time and focusing on stuff around the house and family as he has a tendency to be emotionally abusive. Any ideas? He keeps having his family come stay too which is so weird.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whakapapa · 14/12/2023 21:51

PS I am doing the form E slowly as it is very detailed. I don’t want to miss anything so I can be sure the kids are provided for when we split. I want to look after them on my own and get a job. I want to see what the situation is when I have moved away from him first. I have done remote work from home and it has made it hard to do family at the same time. So I want to settle the kids after the divorce before I know what I can look to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whakapapa · 14/12/2023 22:00

Also panicking about changing my will and revoking the power of attorney. I don’t know how long it will take to divorce and he has no empathy. He shows he is only interested in his own self interest and has very inflated self importance.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 14/12/2023 22:03

Why aren’t you working now?
hiw old are the children?

Why should he move out?

millymollymoomoo · 14/12/2023 22:04

sounds like you are slowing things down, not working, not completing forms then just expect him to keep paying for you yet wonder why he’s not happy about it?

Gingernaut · 14/12/2023 22:06

You are bring emotionally and financially abused - all the money and effort is on your part and he will benefit when the house is sold

Take legal advice and look into earning an income

Original poster
Whakapapa · 14/12/2023 22:34

@millymollymoomoo you sound like him. I have spent 25 years with him. It is weird he stays when he has been abusive all year especially since his affair was uncovered. When I asked him about it he told me it was my fault making him look elsewhere. I could not get over the shock for months and barely slept. He made it worse by shouting at me and telling me what is wrong with me whenever I said I needed space to hide how upset I was from the kids. He said I should go not him (but I look after the house and kids). He demanded a divorce several times then would not follow up or explain he didn’t mean it, and I eventually suggested it as he kept repeating it each time it felt worse for me as he never made sense and it felt like a threat he kept using. I have worked for many years and did this while being in charge of the family. I owned my own property and earned more than him for many years when we met. He moved in and didn't contrinute to costs even though I had a mortgage and paid bills myself. He also didn’t contribute to childcare costs or caring duties when we became parents. I stopped working with our fourth baby. We agreed it made sense as I was paying for childcare and could save by doing things in the household. I was also very tired by then. He also thinks I am dragging things out but he is the one who watches telly every day while I am labouring up a ladder until 3am to meet his demanding timetable. I struggle to see how that is dragging things out while being in charge of a family of 6 (he does not cook) with animals and no support from family. I have lost two friends to suicide this year too. And feel like I am being pushed constantly by him. I am only just pulling my tax return together as I know it is crucial and can be helped if I am looking at finances. I only have seen a joint account he pays into. He has other accounts I do not see. I also have my own account but as I do not earn at the moment it is clear there won’t be anything other than the inheritance. It wasn’t much and he was told what it was but he seems to think I am hiding things. I cannot continue much longer this way while pretending to the kids I am fine

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 14/12/2023 22:39

So
have you seen a solicitor
do you know what assets there are to split

dragging your heels won’t change the outcone
Take control, complete your forms, split any assets you do have, move on

dragging things out leaves you in this situation longer. why endure that ?

Ladyj84 · 14/12/2023 22:46

Unfortunately I'm also wondering why it's him that has to move out. Why can't you move out with your inheritance I would have moved out for the kids rather than holiday with it tbh. One of you has to and I'm not sure him being the earner it will be him tho

Original poster
Whakapapa · 14/12/2023 22:46

Gingernaut · 14/12/2023 22:06

You are bring emotionally and financially abused - all the money and effort is on your part and he will benefit when the house is sold

Take legal advice and look into earning an income

Unfortunately it is hard to convict on coercive control so it is an empty truth. I am aware it is economic and financial abuse but what does it mean if there is no consequence. The criminal courts are struggling as they are now. Knowing it is wrong, feeling it is wrong, does not seem to make a difference if he has no issue with staying home and doing it. I do have a solicitor and we are proceeding but I have tried to avoid incurring costs as I know what I have to do but it seems to take me much longer to do it all. It seems he has paid his accountant to do his finances. He wants me to hurry up, and makes me do all the things that take ages at home (as he says he is busy at work but does spend a lot of time at lunches and the pub) yet we are not together so I am not sure why he stays here and acts as I am his wife to do what he asks. I want to be sure that I can focus on this task of separating to assess what I can then do job wise. I don’t know even where I will live so getting a job that stops me focusing on all this detail does not seem helpful for the amount it will fetch me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whakapapa · 14/12/2023 22:49

millymollymoomoo · 14/12/2023 22:39

So
have you seen a solicitor
do you know what assets there are to split

dragging your heels won’t change the outcone
Take control, complete your forms, split any assets you do have, move on

dragging things out leaves you in this situation longer. why endure that ?

Yes.
I think just the house.
Not dragging heels just going through line by line the past years’ bank statements and categorising it all in a spreadsheet so I can see clearly what spending is and needs will be.
Do not want to drag anything out but am also the one trying to be civil (the one not being civil is the one demanding I leave)

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 14/12/2023 22:51

But op you will v likely be expected to work ( or live on benefits and child maintenance)
not working won’t impact your settlement

do you understand the marital finances and what assets there are?

he’s not going to move out while he’s paying the house

Original poster
Whakapapa · 14/12/2023 22:53

Ladyj84 · 14/12/2023 22:46

Unfortunately I'm also wondering why it's him that has to move out. Why can't you move out with your inheritance I would have moved out for the kids rather than holiday with it tbh. One of you has to and I'm not sure him being the earner it will be him tho

The inheritance could buy a car? He earns multiples of that in a day. I don’t get why he is making it seem much more than it is when he is a high earner. I couldn’t afford to live anywhere with the kids in our area so they would stay in the family home on your logic. And he was the one who had an affair. Which I asked for time to process but he threatened a divorce and abused me so many times, I had to face reality that he felt nothing for me.

OP posts:
swimsong · 14/12/2023 22:56

There's no need to decorate to sell the house.

Original poster
Whakapapa · 14/12/2023 22:56

millymollymoomoo · 14/12/2023 22:51

But op you will v likely be expected to work ( or live on benefits and child maintenance)
not working won’t impact your settlement

do you understand the marital finances and what assets there are?

he’s not going to move out while he’s paying the house

I do want to work but do not have time capacity, I am responsible for literally everything manually done. Being behind with my divorce admin now due to household and family tasks, means a job would make me less focused on that surely? I have had so many friends say they regret rushing the finances and overlooked a lot of things which makes me concerned that it is easy to overlook stuff

OP posts:
Original poster
Whakapapa · 14/12/2023 23:02

swimsong · 14/12/2023 22:56

There's no need to decorate to sell the house.

Not according to the estate agents and him so I did my best.

OP posts:
WowOK · 14/12/2023 23:03

Have you considered hiring a forensic accountant? I reckon your soon to be ex is shady as F.

tomatoontoast · 14/12/2023 23:10

I'm sorry this is happening to you OP but I really think your head is in the clouds here.

Leave the 'divorce admin' for a solicitor who can likely complete it in half the time. The money and experience you will get by working is far more valuable to you than going line by line through accounts.

I don't agree that your husband should move out. Although your story about him being unpleasant is horrible it's not relevant to your divorce right now.

Spend time getting a CV together and get applying for jobs to give yourself some breathing room.

Original poster
Whakapapa · 14/12/2023 23:11

WowOK · 14/12/2023 23:03

Have you considered hiring a forensic accountant? I reckon your soon to be ex is shady as F.

I feel something is off. I am not insisting he go but he is acting as if I must go now and yet asks me to do loads of stuff for him/us still. And why would he be so nasty if we are living together while we sort this? It makes no sense esp as i should be the angry one finding out what he has done. I am trying to be a forensic account in going through one account’s statements but it is such a small part of the overall picture, I am not sure I will find anything as I am not an accountant. What seems off to you?

OP posts:
tomatoontoast · 14/12/2023 23:12

Stop waiting to see how your divorce will pan out before you look for a job. That's nonsensical and you will be expected to start earning ASAP.

RudsyFarmer · 14/12/2023 23:16

Surely you should stay in the family home with the children? Isn’t that what the courts usually like to happen until the kids are 18?

momsybear · 14/12/2023 23:17

Don't try to be a forensic accountant. Unless you were one previously you just don't have the skills. It's a hideous, stressful time and it sounds like you're the wronged party but... plenty of women go through what you're going through while still working full time, me included. Itll help you if this goes to court and will help your self esteem and future career prospects In meantime

Original poster
Whakapapa · 14/12/2023 23:18

tomatoontoast · 14/12/2023 23:10

I'm sorry this is happening to you OP but I really think your head is in the clouds here.

Leave the 'divorce admin' for a solicitor who can likely complete it in half the time. The money and experience you will get by working is far more valuable to you than going line by line through accounts.

I don't agree that your husband should move out. Although your story about him being unpleasant is horrible it's not relevant to your divorce right now.

Spend time getting a CV together and get applying for jobs to give yourself some breathing room.

I appreciate the honesty. He is so furious I wonder if I am dissociating sometimes it seems so surreal I wake up as if in a nightmare. Lack of sleep all year not helping. I am deliberately avoiding wracking up legal fees by collating a bundle of evidence myself. I don’t think he should move out necessarily but he acts in a way that is not consistent with being under the same roof with kids seeing what goes on. I am trying to separate out emotion from the business of divorce. Job finders have sent me things for a number of years as I have always had in mind to return when I have more capacity but it has not led to anything yet that fits my skillset. I have been doing voluntary work where I can in the meantime as I am in mental health services. It seems easier to offer ad hoc commitments that way whereas a job requires a fully engaged commitment. I don’t want to risk what I have responsibility for just now as this juncture.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whakapapa · 14/12/2023 23:22

momsybear · 14/12/2023 23:17

Don't try to be a forensic accountant. Unless you were one previously you just don't have the skills. It's a hideous, stressful time and it sounds like you're the wronged party but... plenty of women go through what you're going through while still working full time, me included. Itll help you if this goes to court and will help your self esteem and future career prospects In meantime

Maybe I should look for someone skilled to do it then. Did you use a forensic accountant? I have been loathe to spend on my needs but this may be a time to change that. I have done consulting work so could focus on pursuing leads in that direction maybe? Funnily enough I have had more new connections on my specialist areas.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whakapapa · 14/12/2023 23:23

RudsyFarmer · 14/12/2023 23:16

Surely you should stay in the family home with the children? Isn’t that what the courts usually like to happen until the kids are 18?

Edited

That is what I have been advised when it has been really really intolerable to bear his behaviour. And the kids check I will be here too.

OP posts:
Whatapickle23 · 14/12/2023 23:23

I'm guessing your children are still in the baby and toddler years if you're not working. Can you at least find a part time job for now? Not working at all makes you so vulnerable. Things will get easier as your children start school, you'll have more childcare options available so you can work more hours. Working part time would be great for now as it means you've got something current on your CV and have a reference for when you're ready for full time work.