DH won’t budge

[Whakapapa]

There is no relenting since we started the divorce. He is really mean but then just stays in the family home. At first it was pushing me to get things done around the house to his satisfaction for estate agents to come in (so I did), then making it look good for viewings (so I did, including taking on the decorating myself), and it has not stopped feeling I am being pushed to do things by him. I am still doing everything at home, and being treated no differently to when we weren’t divorcing (with the exception of him not even trying to be pleasant anymore). I have used inheritance to take the kids on holiday - they loved it. Even though it was money gifted to me he seems really angry about it.

I am wondering if he is staying for deeper financial reasons (he says I should go but that he cannot afford to, yet he is the income earner) and pushing the sale of the house may have someting to do with the tax outcome. I know that there is something about CGT and as we are within the tax year up to April 2024, if this is why. He is really horrible accusing me of provoking him when he rages, but I am honestly walking on eggshells all the time and focusing on stuff around the house and family as he has a tendency to be emotionally abusive. Any ideas? He keeps having his family come stay too which is so weird.

You need to hire a forensic accountant. You need them to investigate and find out what he has, where it is and what he's hiding. I reckon he's hiding assets. People tend to accuse people of what they are doing.

Also,make sure he hasn't taken any loans on the house or in your name.

I most certainly wouldn't be moving out.

They are in school but it seems like half a day at work! My last job was a year ago and it was more than 40 hours a week to do it properly which was impossible to handle at the same time. I definitely tried to make it work but was burning out fast.

You might find it worth letting the solicitor and a forensic accountant look at everything. Yes it's expensive but if he resists or causes delays the solicitor and court can demand he pays the extra fees. It takes time and usually you'll have do pay some of the bill then get a refund from them once he pays them. So don't let the idea of him not cooperating and costing money put you off. It may be helpful to look at the grey rock theory and get some counseling even whilst you're still there so you have support to deal with everything.

I think you are right and I am so tired by doing it all at his command (house, kids, decorating, admin etc) I have lost my momentum and am taking longer to summon effort to keep advancing in the direction I need to. Right will email solicitor and look online for specialist help. Am in counselling and have supervision as my training requires me to. Still super hard when in the midst of it. Think latest friend’s suicide has impact me badly too. Thanks.

You don't have to do what he says though. Are you still cooking for him and ping his laundry? As that should stop.

What kind of stuff is he asking/expecting you to do?

Please tell me you are not cooking for him, doing his laundry etc?

I hired a forensic account who found lots of stuff my exh was hiding including missing pensions. I just photocopied stuff and filled him in on exh employment history and let him sort it all out. 2 years later I married my forensic accountant. Best thing I ever did because he's as honest as they come and has made me happy every single day we've been together.

Goodness OP all the abuser sympathisers are out tonight! You're doing nothing wrong, except trying to appease him. Although that's understandable. It's impossible though, he'll never be happy. It's not your fault he cheated. It's not your fault the marriage failed. Any marriage to an abusive person is going to fail, the alternative is to remain in it being abused!

He stays, is abusive, has family over etc to try to drive you out. There's nothing confusing about it, he's deliberately being a knob to get rid of you. He previously threatened divorce as a control tactic to get you to back down and do whatever he wanted. Even now he probably doesn't think it'll happen and could well be waiting for you to back down and agree to stay married but with a whole new level of shite to put up with now that he's stopped pretending to be nice.

The house will likely need to be sold. You don't have to do repairs etc it can be sold as is. If he wants to stay he'll have to buy out your share. If you want to stay you'll have to buy out his share. Doesn't matter who paid for it, it's a marital asset to be split between you.

Talk to Women's Aid and formulate a plan for how to safely exit this marriage, talk to solicitors too. This isn't going to be an amicable divorce no matter what you do. He isn't an amicable person. You're probably going to have to go to court at some point to force things along.

He thinks you're hiding money because he's judging you by his own standards and he is hiding money.

He doesn't want you spending your inheritance because he wants to claim half of it in the divorce. It's yours and you can spend it on whatever you like while you're married, you don't have to give him access to it apart from as part of the financial settlement in the divorce. If there's nothing left, he'll get half of nothing then! You don't have to tell him what you're spending, when, or on what. You're no longer a partnership and he has no rights to know. I am not a financial advisor, but my opinion is you may as well spend the inheritance now while you can, otherwise he'll nab half of it. Speak to your solicitor about it. If you don't know where he's hiding money and can't prove it, you won't get any of his savings.

He is the one dragging out the divorce not you. He doesn't want divorce because he wants the whole house to himself and if you move out that's what he'll get, he'll drag his heels forever to avoid selling the house and splitting the equity with you. So stay put.

It doesn't matter that he's pushing you to do things, you don't have to do them. If you're exhausted from it all and don't even want to do the basic cleaning you don't have to. He isn't the boss of you. Anyone in an abusive relationship is going to be bloody knackered. Running on adrenaline 24/7 because you're constantly afraid, is exhausting. You don't have to decorate or stay up late, you don't have to meet his standards on anything at all. The relationship is over - physically, mentally, emotionally, time-wise and in terms of support: you owe him nothing, nothing at all. Your life is your own, your time and energy is your own, he has no claim on it. The court will decide the financial settlement and what you're each owed monitarily.

If he has power of attorney over your affairs revoke it immediately and yes change your will too. These are priority, not painting walls and cooking his dinner! You need to start looking after yourself. Stop expecting him to be reasonable, stop expecting answers to anything, stop caring what his opinion is on anything and top trying to appease him.

If he gets violent or threatens you, call the police, every time. The abuse is likely to get worse when you start living life for yourself, standing up for yourself and he realises he can't bully you emotionally any more.

If I was you tomorrow I'd:

1 - revoke power of attorney
2 - call women's aid
3 - make appointment with solicitor about changing your will

In that order.

It sounds like he is a control freak reacting like a child who got caught out. Demanding a divorce, demanding you do things, getting angry. He may as well be a child shouting at his mum "What are YOU going to do to me?" or "Go on then TRY and punish me!" He knows damn well what he is doing is messing with your head, manipulating you and slowing the divorce. He is aiming to control how you divorce him, which highlight how totally screwed up he is. I totally agree you need get more professional help in this divorce. Its gonna be a dirty fight. He will reject any calculations you've done or any of your suggestions on principal. You need support from the professionals to keep some head space.
I have a friend who divorced a control freak like this. Similar scenario, he had an affair when she was pregnant with their youngest, although her ex refused to even admit it until the other woman had his baby! My friend agreed to a lot of his demands in the divorce just to get rid of him. He has never stopped trying to manipulate and control her using the kids. Things like he moved an hour away and always demanded she drive the kids to him otherwise he'd claim she was restricting access. 10yrs later, she recently had a nightmare he was fighting dirty over picking a senior school for their youngest. Ex started manipulating the kid with gifts and promises to get them to choose a school near him so they'd have to live with him or she'd have a 2hr school run. Her ex had never given their youngest much attention, so kid was so hungry for Dad's love. My friend finally got proper advice and they immediately advised never to do face to face mediation again. Her ex is so manipulative and has always used it as a tool to bully her until she caves in because thats her default coping mechanism. She stood her ground + her ex gave in two days before it went to court. It was all a power play to hurt her.
OP please don't try to divorce your hubbie without a lot of good professional help to hopefully stop his behaviour in its track, as honestly 10yrs later that could be you.

The estate agents are on commission! The better the house looks the more it sells for and the more money they get! The more your husband and you get too, but money isn't everything and a fast sale for a cheaper price might be best just to get fully out of the relationship. You don't need to decorate, they all just want you to. You don't have to do what anyone else wants. Including all these manual tasks that are stopping you getting on with whatever you need to do for divorce. Feed the kids takeaway for a while, they won't die. Stop housework etc.

@WolfAndBadger
@AlexVexed

God it is like the bit in the Barbie film where they suddenly wake up. Thank you for that virtual face slapping. I needed it. I am very tired and I miss my friends who have died this year.

You reminded me quite how conditioned I am being in a long term relationship with someone exhibiting a disordered personality style. It is like Stockholm Syndrome in the early stages where I found so many reasons why he behaved poorly or I felt upset. Over the years you do eventually notice one of you is doing all the self improvement and taking the blame. Cult members need similar deconditioning so I need to rake this seriously.

In our old professional circles it was common for narcissistic personalities to exist and emerge in even those not considered egotistical or lacking in empathy. But the environment slowly but surely develops the traits and the ones who remained long term certainly had them emerge. No wonder then that when I moved from there it seemed to enlarge the divide between us. I have been too busy with family, parents passing away, friends dropping dead on me and kids having various crises. I need to put me in there and first in line. I have drafted a revocation of my power of attorney (old skills a bit dusty and hope it works) and will get it witnessed tomorrow. Similarly for my will. May find one online now and see if I can draft it, although think I want a trust in there for the kids and can’t be sure I can get the mechanism right it has been a while. And I am going to re-engage the therapist specialising in narcissistic abuse. I saw her in the early stages but didn’t spend anymore as I have been trying stoically to stick it out.

This is just the best advert to get a FA.. sounds like an unexpected extra bonus win for you. How lovely and you sounds so happy 🤗 I am half able to recognise I may have a chance to live a life of freedom which may include someone who loves me unconditionally

I stupidly thought to role model for the kids decent inclusive behaviour. But seem to have been taken for a ride in doing so as it isn’t reciprocated and I have been excluded from his outings and holidays with the kids, isolated from his family completely who do not get in touch now. It took me most of the year to recognise what was going on

Pretty much anything he thinks needs attending to around the house. He is the sort of person who will call a tradesman to fix a wonky tap. I had a go at things myself to save money and realised it was actually easy to do a lot of it. Will also ask me to clean a drain but won’t say it like that rather “oh I walked out today and saw the rain running off the guttering - did you notice the drain is blocked….?” I have noticed my tendency to leap in to solve problems. I am stopping the habit now but it means he is annoyed and says I am unrecognisable and he worries about my mental health. Having seen someone to check on me, who confirmed I am doing remarkably well considering, it was what made me recognise the projection that was going on as part of this reality check. I can now spot DARVO incoming with him (most people).

Having ‘woken up’ a bit, I am wondering who it was who said i was dragging my heels when I described the context. That is the accusation flung at me but it is hard to even respond when that is only half the ‘story’. The facts show I am busy but just need to reprioritise tasks and ignore ones not in my interests. The kids are so small and spongelike and need to be protected from this hellishness. I realise this is what the enablers around him do, repeat his narrative and embellish it for / with him. Flying monkeys.

You need focus op. You can redo your will later, you really need to stick to priorities. Which is the kids, you and the divorce. Not the house, not his washing, not random other admin which should be on the todo list for next stage, not on cooking a meal every night. If he says the drainpipe is blocked you say ‘interesting, you might be right. Let me know if someone is turning up to fix it please.’

Why couldn't he do it or pay for it? This is abuse.

I bought my house undecorated. Did you speak to the estate agent yourself, or has he claimed that the EA said that?

I have noticed my tendency to leap in to solve problems. I am stopping the habit now but it means he is annoyed and says I am unrecognisable and he worries about my mental health.

He is gaslighting you. This is abuse.

There's a lot of nasty men on Mumsnet, masquerading as women, and putting women down, using the woman's own thread to bully her. You had it right when you said someone "sounds like him", they probably are exactly like him!

You are doing well. You're struggling with your MH because of your husband, not struggling with your husband because of your MH. Once you get away from him you'll find your MH improves a lot.

You do need to let go and stop it, but it's even understandable why you've tried to control every little detail about the divorce and doing it all yourself. It's maybe a kick back against having no real control over the bigger important issues in your life for so long, the tiny issues you can control assume greater importance in your life than they should. Hence you being up a fucking ladder painting ceilings or whatever at 3am. And thinking you've no time to work because of everything else that has (in your messed up mind, which he caused) to be done, to his approval, by you and only you.

Now you've hopefully seen through the illusion of control you created for yourself and you're finally starting to take back control of the things that really matters in life, like who can take out loans in your name and switch off your life support machine. This is momentous. Give yourself some cake, you deserve it!

It took me 2yrs after leaving to properly wake up. I had no help, just the thought that I couldn't continue as I was. It took me 2yrs (of reading about assertiveness and that lead me into reading about abusive relationships) to realise the extent of the arsehole he was. Like you, I felt as if I'd been in a cult, one with only two people in it. Such was the extent of his gaslighting.

I moved abroad and he still didn't get it that we were over! I hadn't realised I needed to go NC with him. He'd be going on and on about me coming back once I'd got this blip out of my system. I finally ran out of patience and said one day, totally confused, "Coming back to what? A life that wasn't working for me? A man who, even though we're not together, still can't stop banging on about all the things I supposedly did wrong in the relationship, whilst totally ignoring his own failings? And will you stop calling my new life a blip FFS!". He was like "what do you mean we're not together?!" and I didn't know what to say. I'd broken up with him (not married, no joint assets or children), literally told him it wasn't working and he should consider himself single, moved abroad for a job and still he thought he had control over me and had some say in my life. Crazy. Made sense though of why he was so obsessed and cross with me that I'd moved home and not given him my new address (because why would my ex need it?!).

Also I agree you can fine tune your will later, just get one that doesn't leave everything to him if you die. If for no other reason than to put him off thinking that's a potential solution. Don't be worrying about trusts and stuff.

OP, in all kindness, you need to get a job. Most of us work full time with kids, it is not a big deal, you will need to cope.

Forget about the "forensic accounting" and odd jobs. It sounds like your husband's preference is to get someone in to do this work around the house, but you are insisting on doing it yourself.

You don't sound aware from your posts that your children will likely be living with your husband 50% of the time, or something approaching this (maybe 40/60 split). This is what the courts will adjudicate. It doesn't matter that you think he's not nice. Be prepared for this, emotionally.

I was one who said op is dragging her feet
and she is

she admitted being slow to complete forms
and making lots of excuses why this that and the other can’t be done

She wants rid?

well that will only happen when she cracks on with the paperwork, and follows the process and making excuses means he will be in control longer!

op doesn’t have a job. So is completely reliant on her husband. That won’t change until she is divorced!

no point beating around the bush.

op needs some straight talking im
afraid as to the realities of a divorce with a difficult man

there is no automatic right to stay in the fmh although no one here can say in this specific case.

op can start taking bits of control back now

I have had a PAYE job recently and do still have ad hoc work. The point is not that I cannot sustain working with family (or else I would not be divorcing) it is sustaining it under his rules. The minimisation in your post of the [sic] '“forensic accounting” and odd jobs’ has overlooked the detail (an odd job makes it sound like taking the bins out, I have painted inside a house) and why these are important facts for me to have realised in the context. I am glad I have been thorough as I can see a lot of red flags already so will get help now.

I see you mirrored him in exactly the way he continues to do with my role and efforts. His preference is for obtaining services for no or minimal payment, but this only involves one person (me) rolling up their sleeves. The underlying implication is of grandiose entitlement. I haven’t discussed children as that is a separate limb from the divorce I have posted about. That would make it even more confusing in this thread. I have to keep emotions out of this part as they are so little still. Although FWIW attachment in children’s development is crucial no matter how misguided a parent is, the data (and my research in child development) is they must have free and equal access to both parents whatever the situation. Hence why I am still accommodatin him I guess. So I don’t disrupt their relations with him due to the situation and his increasing anger with me

Tough talking is super helpful. Especially if it stings a bit because then it means there is a grain of truth in it. And you are right, regardless of whether or not I have been pushed into lots of things that have taken my attention off my admin, I need to pull my big girl pants on and act like a dog with a bone and not lose that. While I do bring in income, he always dismisses it as irrevelant, and so I need to shift the balance so I am free to be as I am.