DH won’t budge

[Whakapapa]

There is no relenting since we started the divorce. He is really mean but then just stays in the family home. At first it was pushing me to get things done around the house to his satisfaction for estate agents to come in (so I did), then making it look good for viewings (so I did, including taking on the decorating myself), and it has not stopped feeling I am being pushed to do things by him. I am still doing everything at home, and being treated no differently to when we weren’t divorcing (with the exception of him not even trying to be pleasant anymore). I have used inheritance to take the kids on holiday - they loved it. Even though it was money gifted to me he seems really angry about it.

I am wondering if he is staying for deeper financial reasons (he says I should go but that he cannot afford to, yet he is the income earner) and pushing the sale of the house may have someting to do with the tax outcome. I know that there is something about CGT and as we are within the tax year up to April 2024, if this is why. He is really horrible accusing me of provoking him when he rages, but I am honestly walking on eggshells all the time and focusing on stuff around the house and family as he has a tendency to be emotionally abusive. Any ideas? He keeps having his family come stay too which is so weird.

@WolfAndBadger Sorry to hear of your experience but what an absolute tool. Am very grateful you shared it and gave me a good virtual shaking. Am onto my new will and other legal bits now. Pls feel free to keep on at me if you see me slipping into old ways. It is like a bit of a innocent child complex almost. Or the good girl conditioning I fall into

I struggle to make head or tail of what you are doing or why OP. What is the the need to go through a year’s worth of spending. What are you looking for?

There is no need to appoint a forensic accountant yet because again you don’t know what you are looking for. They cost a lot and they need something to work with.

You need a starting point to ask questions and raise challenges. Even if that is incomplete or inaccurate disclosure. Then you will see the anomalies and then you can decide if they are worth pursuing.

As to your current living situation, what do you want to happen?

Do you want to decorate and get a better price or not? One or both of you need to do it or you pay someone else to do it. IMO This is more important than your spreadsheet.

If you want to separate financially then he can cover his own costs and look after himself. But you will have to do this as well, cover your own costs and you don’t have an income. You will have to claim benefits.

i get that you are living in a shitshow. But it sounds like you are both shovelling the shit in and not out. Maybe if you stop he will too.

Absolutely prioritise the need for stability for the children. But I can’t give credence to your claim that this is what matters whilst you and he are dragging the living situation out and from the sounds of your posts you intend to double down on it.

It's a tough situation @Whakapapa and the abuse and emotional exhaustion make it very hard to achieve very much, I remember it well...but now a year on and away from it I am mostly back to my old self.

For your will, you can get a solicitor to make an interim will to cover the period whilst you are divorcing, because once you are divorced, all joint wills are null and void anyway (in England, if that's where you are). I did mine to leave everything in Trust to the DC, and named guardians to take care of that, and them, for me. It was a huge relief to get that sorted, so see if you can do the same, it's not difficult...but get someone to do it for you, as it needs to be legally watertight, not just something you have written revoking previous arrangements - as your DH sounds nasty, like mine was, he will stoop at nothing to take whatever they can get, so don't give him the opportunity.

OP, a room takes less than 2 days to paint, so even painting every room will only take a few weeks. I have painted my whole house during evenings with a full time job. You need to stop making excuses. Move on with the divorce, and prioritise getting a job, immediately. You need to hear this advice that I and others are giving you.

Thanks @thatbigbear Will done. Revoked old POA and replaced with new one. Drafted, signed and witnessed. Told attorney where the documents are and will send originals in to solicitor.

@LemonTT @DoorPath v glad I have been looking carefully. Had I been rushing it all I would have overlooked something important.

Moral of the story: if you feel something is off, it is because it is. So pause and it will emerge in time. If not but you still feel something isn’t right, get advice and don’t be pushed according to someone else’s agenda. Thank you to all who suggested I do that. As qualified as I am to do a lot of this work with my training, another pair of eyes can lead to the a-ha moment. I did a lot of contemplating and inner shadow work while decorating. But it has taken me weeks for it all to make sense.

While I do bring in income, he always dismisses it as irrevelant,

Great! He won't mind or notice when you start getting it paid into an account in your sole name then (along with any child related benefits) instead of the joint account. 😜

You can't control the relationship he has with DC by sacrificing yourself and being a doormat. He's going to be whatever level of knob-dad he's going to be, you pandering to him won't change that.

Being involved with an abusive parent messes DC up. (I don't give a flying fuck about "the research", so-called experts change their darned minds about what's right/wrong all the time). You won't be able to prevent them being messed up to one degree so you need to stop trying. Even if he walks away and has nothing to do with them, they'll still wish they had a good dad who they saw. It's fine if they see him angry, don't try to cover up his true nature to them. It's not nice for them to be afraid of him but it's no less damaging for them to be pawns in his controlling mind games with you and without them even realising they're the pawn. Best thing that can happen is they see him for what he is and choose to walk away themselves when they're old enough.

Don't bad mouth him or anything but don't cover for him either, let the chips fall where they may. You're not responsible for his behaviour or its effects. All you can do is model a happy home life and healthy relationships to the DC, showing them how and when to walk away from a relationship by divorcing is part of that. Don't waste your time and energy worrying about his relationship with them or trying to manage his behaviour, it's not something you can influence or control in the long run.

You'll get there, things will feel different soon, you've already started to detach from him and the situation. It takes time and is a learning curve. He probably wasn't this bad on day one or there wouldn't have been a second date, never mind marriage and DC. You didn't get into this situation overnight and you won't get out of it overnight either. Just keep going, keep being proactive, lean on whoever you've got for support, focus on you and DC and let him fade into the background as a minor player in your game of life. It'll be hard when he's effectively in your face throwing a tantrum about not being everyone's number one focus, but you'll get through it and come out the other side.

I suspect he is furious because

i) his nice convenient life is going to get much less convenient
ii) your joint assets are about to be split in two and he knows you will get the greater share if he earns more and you do all the childcare
iii) you taking the children on holiday is spending money and so reducing the communal pot that will be shared.
iv) divorce is stressful for everyone and maybe he just wants you to get on with it.

That's all fairly normal. Engage a solicitor and move the process along, it will benefit you all.

How old are your children (just youngest & oldest)

OP, I'm not sure you've taken a single thing on board if you think posters have been telling you to take your time and keep on with the forensic accountancy. That is the opposite of the advice you have received here.

The advice here is to get a job. Are you going to do this?

@lljkk 8, 11, 13 and nearly 15. There is a pattern of neurodivergency emerging, hence why I have focused on only working from home. The pandemic really brought on some awful awful moments.

@DoorPath Don’t think you have taken in the detail to write that (as you did).

Not these days. The courts prefer a clean break except for child support.

The only way the OP would get the house would be if there were sufficient assets for her Ex H to also be housed.

She describes him as a higher earner so that may be the case. Even then, the court would prefer, if possible, to include the house in her share and have her own it free and clear.