Financial agreement - he wants to walk away with nothing/very little

[Patsaysit]

Hi,
my stbxh wants to walk away with nothing/very little.

I have repeatedly encouraged mediation, he has refused. We are both in agreement that we want this done quickly and cheaply.

I have the children full time and have my own house (secured since separation). We are not looking to take anything from each other’s pensions.

It’s simply dividing up the equity of the family home. Has anyone else been in this position? How did it pan out?

I know that the financial order has to be stamped by a judge and have got my head around the process I think! It’s just what to offer stbxh really.

Any help gratefully received even if it helps me with the first solicitor meeting.

@Lavenderfowl did you both get legal advice?

That’s a large figure -arguably he’s giving up around half of that and I think a judge will want to know they’ve not been pressured to , and has had advise and is in fully understands what’s he’s agreeing

I don’t think he's hiding anything... just a gut feeling.

Either he really loves his kids and wants them taken care of
Or
He just wants you gone. He's taking the hit so it's done, it's over, and he never has to deal with you again because you feel like you've got a good deal and don't have to bother him again.

@C1N1C it’s absolutely the latter. He wants it all to go away with the minimum amount of work.

Hope you’ve made a new will.

So when I divorced earlier this year I asked my solicitor how common it was for a judge to refuse a financial consent order that a parties had come to agree between themselves. I've said he was in court just the week before actually where a judge had refused to sign it - I think the split was 90% in favour of the wife - they just went to court and the judge asked the husband whether he understood what he was signing and was in agreement with it. The husband said yes and the judge apologised for wasting both their times and signed the order

My exh refused and the Judge ordered him to get it done. If he didn't he'd have been in contempt of court.

In my own divorce we did it ourselves. Came to agreement ourselves 65/35 in my favour. Children with me 100% of the time and I walked away with all my pension (worth10 times what his is)

You don't need to do Form e if you are sure he isn't hiding anything. You fill in D81 and then just pay a solicitor to write the consent form. I had a solicitor but my ex didn't.

That's our plan. Divorce proceed have started, and in the 20 week wait, we Sell the house, split the equity how we have decided... then buy our own places in our own names. that's it as far as joint assets. Hoping if I've not got the wrong end of the stick that should be ok, shouldn't it? I have a work pension and he doesn't but he's said he doesn't want any of mine and will sign something to confirm that.

Does he not get an annual statement from his pension provider? That will have the value on it. Lots also have an app these days with the value stated on there 24/7. The value could take literally seconds to obtain. In the D81 form I wasn't asked to provide any evidence whatsoever to support the pension value - could have put anything.

Despite my ex husband and I agreeing finances the KC has turned down our plan so in court next month.

I'm your husband, not wanting everything. There is disparity with pension, I am loads out of pocket and because the courts have not rubber stamped the agreement.

This is exactly my plan!! What about the house? Did you sell before you divorced? No questioning re keeping your pension and the 65/35 split?

@DevonCream

I'm still in the house. The financial consent order states I don't have to pay him a penny for about 3 years until my twins start primary school (had to state a date in the paperwork).

I earn 4 times what he does ( he only earns about £20k).

There is a small box in the D81 form to explain how you've reached the decision - I stated that my childcare bills were £2k per a month. He could earn more money but chooses not to. There would be no pension sharing because the reality is it would be me that supports the children into young adulthood and beyond with uni fees etc so I'd need all my pension.

Even though the form looks incredibly one sided when you write it down in black and white and any judge reading it might wonder how a grown man in his 40s can "live" on £1100 a month (once CMS of £350 is paid to me)

So did you take on the mortgage alone?

@DevonCream

Yes I've taken on the mortgage alone - legally he obviously still owns the house as well until he is paid his lump sum - I'm hoping to ride out the interest rates and then remortgage end 2025 and pay him the divorce settlement and remove him from the house deeds

Interested to see those who don’t/didn’t have consent orders and the division of assets that was agreed…

Yes. Our properties are willed to each other so our son can benefit from it one fine day. Obviously that would be different if we were childless.

Tbf, I forget most of the time that I'm still married. It will come of importance the day something happens to one of us.

@Patsaysit I had a solicitor, he refused to, we filled in the financial paperwork (him desultorily) and solicitor wanted me to force him to produce bank statements etc but I knew he wasn't hiding anything ... and even if he had been I just wanted out (he was abusive) so I didn't care. My solicitor carefully wrote why we wanted the settlement the way it was ... and the judge accepted it; not a foregone conclusion and it was scary at the time, but it worked out ok.

Thank you @Lavenderfowl that’s useful to know that even without both parties receiving legal advice it was still agreed.

I am glad that you are free of him now.

My solicitor wrote v clearly that XH had decided not to take legal advice and that he didn't want AB or C - on specific issues she was v clear that she needed it in writing from him in case push came to shove. So document that kind of stuff between you, and why you have made that decision, and include a statement to that effect in your paperwork. If no one wants to take anyone to the cleaners and it's clear no one is being coerced then I can't see why the court would intervene.

Good luck if you can get it. I used a solicitor and was told child maintenance is not part of the negotiation and I should just ask for CMS money. I was the higher earner and also have supported the kids all the way since separation and the CMS money barely scratched the surface of expenses. One was a young adult at uni when we split - this is NOT an expense-free time, even if the law thinks it is. I didn't want my child to suffer so stuck with paying rent etc for them on my own and am now, a few years later, doing it for my second, who was early teens at time of the split. This is a LOT. Not considered by the law at all as apparently over 18s do not need parental support - except they do, of course, and the system asks for parental income to assess maintenance loans!!! Grrrr!

The law helped my ex husband walk away with 55 per cent of assets, even though I had earned 70 per cent and did the “mum work” too! I do not consider this fair in any way. I had to give him more cash to keep his hands off my pension pot.

I do not think the law in this country is at all fair, particularly not to working mothers who earn more than their husbands. Not if the mums also house, feed and clothe the kids and pay for education and maybe even towards a house deposit later. All the things many of us aspire to do. There are a lot of sexist assumptions in play - that the lower earner will be doing more parenting - often not true!

If he walks away with little then in my opinion it’s only fair if you are supporting the kids single-handed. It’s going to cost a fortune. Unfortunately the law chooses not to acknowledge this.

I am a few years from retirement with one child now graduated and one at uni and it has cost me a lot to get them from teens to this point. I will go on helping financially too, as I would expect any parent to do. Except their other parent doesn’t do any of it and has chosen not to see them - just walked off with my money. This is not justice.

Wow @TorringtonDean you are describing me and my future! Higher earner, all the mental load, not solo parenting.

The university aspect is a very good point to consider even if the law don’t see it that way. Thank you for your insight, you sound like an incredible parent.

We put in for 50/50 as I just wanted it done, alcoholic unemployed partner no kids, no assets should be simple. The judge didn't agree and we split eventually 65/35 in my favour with the £100k deposit I paid on the house returned as well. I was gob smacked. I agreed to not touch his pension or redundancy money. I imagine I am still the beneficiary of his pension as he wouldn't think to change it. I only remembered this year and we divorced a decade ago, so do it while you remember same with death in service benefit etc.

"Interested to see those who don’t/didn’t have consent orders and the division of assets that was agreed…"

The problem with this is that you're getting examples of divorces that took place before the law changed last year and therefore it's irrelevant.

He needs to write something on the D81 and glancing at his pension statement will give him a clue as to what to write.

@TorringtonDean

I agree - I think the divorce courts are years behind catching up with the fact a lot of women like you and me earn a lot more than their husbands and also do the majority if not all of the childcare/parenting etc