Financial agreement - he wants to walk away with nothing/very little

[Patsaysit]

Hi,
my stbxh wants to walk away with nothing/very little.

I have repeatedly encouraged mediation, he has refused. We are both in agreement that we want this done quickly and cheaply.

I have the children full time and have my own house (secured since separation). We are not looking to take anything from each other’s pensions.

It’s simply dividing up the equity of the family home. Has anyone else been in this position? How did it pan out?

I know that the financial order has to be stamped by a judge and have got my head around the process I think! It’s just what to offer stbxh really.

Any help gratefully received even if it helps me with the first solicitor meeting.

Why doesn't he want to see the children?

Could this change in the future?

@C152 as much as this is tempting. Do you plan to get the consent order/clean break sorted in the future?

What can a judge do if you’ve divided everything up years ago and you’re both happy with the situation? Could they retrospectively amend and one of you end up paying the other as a type of settlement?

I don't really understand. He wants to walk away with nothing so theoretically, no part oft he house at all?

The house you have in your own name - was that purchase while married as arguably he has a financial claim on that.

If he's really determined, I'd offer him half of the proceeds of the family home after all bills have been met. Put that in writing. Ask him again to confirm.

Then, when you file, put an explanation along the lines of, "this was an unhappy relationship, he was an unwilling and abusive father and has agreed to walk away from us and our lives and leave us with the financial wherewithal to live a longer, happier life without him."

Whether or not a judge would accept that, I honestly couldn't say. but you've got nothing to lose. if the judge says no, then you both HAVE to get lawyers and advice and sign waivers.

We also don't want to involve solicitors. Have the consent order and can apply for final order in January. We agreed a fair financial split, 50/50 and transferred house deed into my name, equity in house roughly equals what I'd be entitled to of half his pension which he'll keep. Other smaller assets split, children are adults so no discussions needed there.

Really don't want to pay more than the £593 online divorce fee that we've split. Would us writing the above out be ok as a financial statement if we sign it. We could put the figures down. Why would we need advice? We're sensible intelligent adults who still want the best for each other and our kids and to remain friends?

It's really unclear when you're in this situation which I know is unusual.

How are you dividing the equity in the house? Is he wanting 50/50 becuase if so that’s pretty unreasonable given you are 100% responsible for childcare.

70/30 would I’d be pushing for?

No, OP, I don't think I will get a financial order in the future. Initially I thought I would, but I feel it would just stir up ill feeling when that isn't necessary. Neither of us have much and that situation is unlikely to change. Whilst it's always a risk not to have a financial consent order in place, the more time that passes, the less likely it is that any court would grant either of us a portion of any future windfall (e.g. potential future inheritance).

@Chocbuttonsandredwine I wouldn’t be happy with 50:50 for precisely the reason you mention.

70:30 would be ok/fair in my opinion. I suppose if he is determined to walk away with less/nothing then I’m better off without the consent order.

Sell the house, divide up the money. Get divorced. Risky though.

@C152 interesting. I just can’t imagine my ex having the motivation to chase me for it!

In my experience as long as the parties agree then there's not much intervention by the courts on "fairness". I had a pretty unfair settlement but no one cared (including me).

Does he not want to see his own children? Because if thats the case let him walk away with nothing.
Mt ex got practically nothing he just wanted to leave. The court agreed.

@Gettingbysomehow do you mind me asking how long ago that was please?

Ex doesn’t see the children. Their choice and supported by authorities due to abuse.

OP - I wasn't implying any criticism of you. Just wondering if the Judge might be reluctant to sign a financial order.

Best of luck.

@MrsCuthbertson ooh that’s not how I read your message at all :) I appreciate all the advice here and it was a very good point.

Didn’t read any criticism into your comment. x

He's clearly the type to just walk away rather than face up to anything, even if that's to his advantage. There are actually tons of people like that who can't even apply for their own tax rebate etc.

Will you claim child support or will you call it quits?

I would forget the pensions if they are tiny - they're not worth going into.

@OhComeOnFFS I’d actually not considered child support as a negotiation point (new to this can you tell!).

Good point though.

"I would forget the pensions if they are tiny - they're not worth going into."

You'd actually write "none" on the paperwork to be put before the court?!

I got divorced with us involving a solicitor. Ex-H and I agreed to split time with our DD 50/50, which we have done successfully for 13 years and counting. He is remarried and earns more than me so pays for a higher proportion of costs like school dinners, activities etc but we work that out between us.

He got his name taken off the deeds to the house when I remortgaged in my sole name (with some financial help from my dad) but I think that was after the divorce had gone through. If I recall correctly I think at that point he had to sign some sort of paperwork to relinquish any claim to equity.

We didn't have any savings or other assets to speak of. Both had a pension, but his was fairly new so prob worth much less than mine at that point.

A teacher at school told my daughter recently that you couldn't get divorced without a lawyer and I had to explain that me and her dad had done exactly that. She was looking forward to going back and setting him straight 😂

@JingleBellsBatman I know that we both have a similar amount each in our pensions. They are small and I don’t think it’s worth going to the effort of getting them valued (ex won’t do this anyway) when we aren’t interested in sharing them anyway.

He’s not hiding anything. He isn’t capable. Genuinely I’ve done everything for 20 years.

Phew - you know how touchy we can get on MN 🙂

Btw they were discussing the important of financial orders being signed off by judges towards the end of yesterday's Moneybox live on R4.

My divorce was similar @Patsaysit so long as you can prove it's been discussed and both of you are happy with it judge may well not query it, mine didn't.

What values are you talking about op
as I said this could be a factor

akso if you don’t get a sealed consent order the judge absolutely can come back at any time in the future and start assessing a split based on assets held at that time

Yes. The judge won't stamp it unless he knows the values of both pensions.

@millymollymoomoo it’s £200-300k

@caringcarer hmm then that could be tricky. He’ll just refuse to fill in the Form E or get his pension valued.

What a nightmare.