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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

50 50 panic

58 replies

bumbelinabumsquash · 26/09/2023 07:31

I've been in a panic for days and need some advice. Me and H split after he admitted an 18 month affair with his secretary. We'd been married 18 years. Two kids, 14 and 16.
We are starting divorce process and he has said he wants 50/50 custody of kids. Emotionally I don't think I'll cope with not having them here half the time. I have nothing else in my life. Everything has been about being their mum. I feel I've barely got many years with them left at home and don't want to lose them 50% of the time in the short time we have before they leave home, just because of something he has done.
Both kids are sensitive homebodies and like and need stability. Could it work that they predominantly live with me. Have one bedrooom, one house. They can visit him whenever they want as he will have to live nearby for schools etc... dinner, evenings after school, weekends, but most of the time come home after. There will be times when I want to go away or have a night out when they could stay there but not more regularly. I can't see it being anything less than a logistical nightmare having two bedrooms and sharing custody properly with sorting school/college books, clothes, uniform, stuff for clubs etc. I honestly think that wouldn't be best for the kids. How has it worked for you? I need lived experiences and advice please.

OP posts:
Wibblywobblylikejelly · 26/09/2023 07:33

What do the children want. You don't factor into the decision.

Whoiscomingtosaveyou · 26/09/2023 07:34

At that age they get to choose, not him or you. He may be requesting 50:50 so he can avoid paying any maintenance for them.

Shinyandnew1 · 26/09/2023 07:38

It’s pretty common for 50/50 now-they would soon adjust.

You sound like your souls really benefit from some counselling to talk through his you’re feeling and what you want going forward. Do you have a job, your own income, hobbies, friends?

Shinyandnew1 · 26/09/2023 07:38

Your souls = you would

SlippySarah · 26/09/2023 07:43

Unfortunately your feeling of being unable to live without them is something you will need to work on. My DC are with me about 70% of the time. They have two bedrooms and two lots of stuff plus we have all become experts at remembering what needs to be where (PE kits, school stuff, sports kit mostly). For it to work well and for the children to not be negatively affected it relies on ExP and I communicating fully and not letting our personal feelings get in the way. It's taken some getting used to but hand on heart they are doing really well and have a great life.

However my DC are a bit younger than yours and I can see things changing as they get older, they will want to be in one house more because of friendship groups and wanting independence. At this age you really do need to be guided by them.

PosterBoy · 26/09/2023 07:46

At their age it's up to them.

Mine just went for tea twice a week and away on a few holidays. Gave them plenty of contact but one home base. Apart from anything, they have social lives of their own and a lot of homework to do

Original poster
bumbelinabumsquash · 26/09/2023 07:46

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 26/09/2023 07:33

What do the children want. You don't factor into the decision.

Sorry yes. I have factored them in. Just forgot to mention. They'd like to be with me most of the time but with freedom to see him when they want.

OP posts:
Original poster
bumbelinabumsquash · 26/09/2023 07:48

PosterBoy · 26/09/2023 07:46

At their age it's up to them.

Mine just went for tea twice a week and away on a few holidays. Gave them plenty of contact but one home base. Apart from anything, they have social lives of their own and a lot of homework to do

This is what I feel will work best

OP posts:
Original poster
bumbelinabumsquash · 26/09/2023 07:48

Shinyandnew1 · 26/09/2023 07:38

It’s pretty common for 50/50 now-they would soon adjust.

You sound like your souls really benefit from some counselling to talk through his you’re feeling and what you want going forward. Do you have a job, your own income, hobbies, friends?

I do have a job in a shop. Not many friends.

OP posts:
PosterBoy · 26/09/2023 07:49

bumbelinabumsquash · 26/09/2023 07:46

Sorry yes. I have factored them in. Just forgot to mention. They'd like to be with me most of the time but with freedom to see him when they want.

Show quote history

Then that sounds perfect.

Don't tell him what he can and can't do - he can still get them a room each etc. But just let the kids choose what they want to do - probably pop over for an hour or so it sounds like.

Beamur · 26/09/2023 07:52

At their ages, it's really up to the kids.
Don't try and influence them as that's not fair. But if it's their choice to spend the majority of time at one house, it's unlikely courts would rule against that.
Is your ex trying to get out of paying maintenance?

JudyGemstone · 26/09/2023 07:52

I moved 40 miles away from my ex and we still made 50/50 work fine. It’s really not that big of a deal, many families do it these days and rightfully so imo. Helps us move away from the idea that children are always just the mother’s responsibility and not before time.

at 14 and 16 their preferences will be considered. But please don’t guilt trip them into being afraid to leave you, they may want to spend time equally with their dad.

BoohooWoohoo · 26/09/2023 07:54

The courts would allow your children to choose how much contact they had with each parent. Inform your ex of ex of this and allow him to get legal advice if he doesn't believe it. Ignore any accusations that may follow. Most teens like a more flexible contact schedule so last minute plans can be factored in. Rigid routines will damage the relationship so your ex is playing a risky game by not taking their preference into account. Stick up for the kids and say no to 50/50. Encourage him to take you to court if he wishes- he will be laughed at for expecting a 16 year old (who could be 17 by the time that court comes round) to be subject to a Child Arrangement Order.

Hairyfairy01 · 26/09/2023 07:58

Is it likely he's after 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance? Regardless of what either you or your ex wants, at their ages they get to decide. However do appreciate the potential 'guilt' they will feel if one or both of you are encouraging them to 'pick'.

mariaonthepier · 26/09/2023 08:03

50/50 would be unsettling for them and doesn't sound like what they want. If ex isn't living locally it'll make school and socialising much trickier for them. As pp have said, they are old enough to choose and a court will recognise this so I would inform him of this, say no to 50/50 and ignore any further arguments about it. He sounds like a twat.

Shinyandnew1 · 26/09/2023 08:07

bumbelinabumsquash · 26/09/2023 07:48

I do have a job in a shop. Not many friends.

Show quote history

That’s good you do have some thought. Make sure you spend time for you. Can you afford to pay the bills/mortgage on your salary?

JudyGemstone · 26/09/2023 08:11

Also bear in mind it might only be a few years before they leave your house anyway, for university or work or whatever - so it would be a good idea to start building your life outside of motherhood now, make friends, join clubs etc.

DinnaeFashYersel · 26/09/2023 08:12

At 14 and 16 it will be up to the kids and what they want.

Redwinestillfine · 26/09/2023 08:21

He will be doing it so he doesn't have to pay you anything. It may not last.

AuntieStella · 26/09/2023 08:31

If you don't like the prospect of 50/50, and they need stability of one home, then perhaps they should reside with XH (he'll get the housing sorted out) and you have them EOW and the odd night in between.

Don't like the idea? Then don't expect it of him either.

Emotionally I don't think I'll cope with not having them here half the time. I have nothing else in my life.

This is really concerning. You sound like you need considerable support/intervention because you can't use your DC like this. You just can't. It's wrong. And it's colouring how you see everything, and I think you're catastrophising.

The whole point of parenthood is to prepare your DC to leave. You need to sort yourself out and get other things in to you life, and do this without even the slightest hint to DC that you're struggling. It is not their burden to carry.

Disturbia81 · 26/09/2023 09:27

AuntieStella · 26/09/2023 08:31

If you don't like the prospect of 50/50, and they need stability of one home, then perhaps they should reside with XH (he'll get the housing sorted out) and you have them EOW and the odd night in between.

Don't like the idea? Then don't expect it of him either.

Emotionally I don't think I'll cope with not having them here half the time. I have nothing else in my life.

This is really concerning. You sound like you need considerable support/intervention because you can't use your DC like this. You just can't. It's wrong. And it's colouring how you see everything, and I think you're catastrophising.

The whole point of parenthood is to prepare your DC to leave. You need to sort yourself out and get other things in to you life, and do this without even the slightest hint to DC that you're struggling. It is not their burden to carry.

This.. it's very unfair to expect a loving dad to not have them equally. My ex adores his kids and would hate to not see them as much as I do.
OP you need to appreciate how good it is that their dad wants to be so involved. You need to build a life for yourself outside them, you will soon come to love your free time. And then appreciate being with the kids even more when they're with you.

PacificState · 26/09/2023 09:43

I sympathise with your sense of panic, I really do (having been through separation myself), but as others have said:

In four or five years you're likely to be empty nesting anyway, so maybe this is a good opportunity to start thinking about how you want your life to be in the next phase - really think about it and visualise the good bits and work out how you're going to get there. You were going to go through this huge transition soon anyway, you've just got there a bit quicker than you expected. Believe me these last few years of the kids being at home go so, so quickly.

And

The panic you're experiencing (I had the same) about missing your kids is something we used to expect separated fathers to deal with without complaint. All good parents want to live with their young kids and would panic at long term separation from them. Your ex is actually entitled to equal time with them, all else being equal (see next point)

And

It's up to the kids! Decisions about the kids' well-being should centre the children at any age, but at 14 and 16 there's no way either of you will be able to force them to go somewhere they don't want to go (and things will go very wrong if you try). This isn't your decision, it's theirs, and what they want might change a lot and become quite irregular over the next few years as they become 'proper' teenagers focused on life outside the home.

gogomoto · 26/09/2023 09:54

I means this gently but you need to work on yourself, perhaps counselling? Your children will be leaving home pretty quickly even without the divorce, working on your identity is so important. At their ages custody won't me imposed on them, but it's important you don't alienate them against their father (the courts take a dim view of this). Please get some help so you can rebuild your life

JJ8765 · 26/09/2023 10:18

Mine were similar ages and chose one base with me and to see their dad evenings and some weekends. They really didn’t want to swap houses. But they also didn’t spend much time with me. Lived in their rooms and socialised with their mates. At school long hours and then lots homework. As teenagers they wanted their life to revolve around them not their parents. I didn’t claim CM so ex could never use this as a lever. I stayed out of contact completely from age 14. They had their own phones and I left them and their dad to sort it out.

Original poster
bumbelinabumsquash · 26/09/2023 10:19

AuntieStella · 26/09/2023 08:31

If you don't like the prospect of 50/50, and they need stability of one home, then perhaps they should reside with XH (he'll get the housing sorted out) and you have them EOW and the odd night in between.

Don't like the idea? Then don't expect it of him either.

Emotionally I don't think I'll cope with not having them here half the time. I have nothing else in my life.

This is really concerning. You sound like you need considerable support/intervention because you can't use your DC like this. You just can't. It's wrong. And it's colouring how you see everything, and I think you're catastrophising.

The whole point of parenthood is to prepare your DC to leave. You need to sort yourself out and get other things in to you life, and do this without even the slightest hint to DC that you're struggling. It is not their burden to carry.

I'm trying not to catastrophise. But everything i planned for and dreamed of for the future is gone. Our marriage. Our forever home. Raising the kids in a loving home together. I'm now 55, single and preparing for potentially only seeing my kids half the time. And all because he had an affair. Cheated on me for 18 months. I've done nothing to deserve all this. In my eyes, that feels pretty catastrophic. It might not always but it does.

OP posts: