50 50 panic

[bumbelinabumsquash]

I've been in a panic for days and need some advice. Me and H split after he admitted an 18 month affair with his secretary. We'd been married 18 years. Two kids, 14 and 16.
We are starting divorce process and he has said he wants 50/50 custody of kids. Emotionally I don't think I'll cope with not having them here half the time. I have nothing else in my life. Everything has been about being their mum. I feel I've barely got many years with them left at home and don't want to lose them 50% of the time in the short time we have before they leave home, just because of something he has done.
Both kids are sensitive homebodies and like and need stability. Could it work that they predominantly live with me. Have one bedrooom, one house. They can visit him whenever they want as he will have to live nearby for schools etc... dinner, evenings after school, weekends, but most of the time come home after. There will be times when I want to go away or have a night out when they could stay there but not more regularly. I can't see it being anything less than a logistical nightmare having two bedrooms and sharing custody properly with sorting school/college books, clothes, uniform, stuff for clubs etc. I honestly think that wouldn't be best for the kids. How has it worked for you? I need lived experiences and advice please.

@ToastMarmalade
It Is possible that a man or woman can ask for 50/50 both because they love and want to spend time with their children and at the same time not to want to pay CMS. Those are not 2 conflicting feelings.

It is also damaging to a child to suggest that their family has been destroyed by divorced, better to suggest that their family has been restructured. Ultimately. kids will form their own opinions, but early on their thoughts are probably significantly influenced by the parent who is left behind.

@Mari9999 exactly. And often parents assume that the children "choose" to stay with the parent they like or love the most, but in many cases they choose to spend most of their time with the parent they think is less emotionally robust and who needs them more, thus sacrificing their own healthy relationship with the other parent. This in turn often creates a new generation of adults who have emotional issues.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I’m about to do 50/50 with my ex and have a 3 and 7 and the prospect is hard to bear. I can see it’s worse for you as you didn’t instigate or choose this.

My advice would be; agree with him that the kids need to decide but you will encourage them to a) see him and b) have some sleepovers at weekends. It sounds like this could be a gentle transition into you having an empty nest. something that has helped me is thinking what I could do with my free evenings, get some exercise, work on my garden, join a club etc.

I would have another option ready to suggest if he wants something more structured eg would the kids and he agree to him collecting them night x and y from school and they have dinner there? You could make a plan to suggest to the kids but agree it is ultimately up to the children.

I think it’s right for them and also in your interests to try and keep the contact up. When they’re older, you want them to look back on how much you did to maintain their relationship with their dad despite your own hurt.

it’s taken me many months to mentally prepare but I’m getting there.

My partner’s children are 50/50. They are three days at one parents house on week 1, followed by 4 days week 2, back to 3 days etc. They are completely flexible depending on the kids etc and both take children away. The kids are 20 and 16 now but this has been the arrangement for 8 years and it works well, although it helps that they live within walking distance of each home and schools. They have enough clothes/two of most things so aren’t living out of a suitcase. It’s really important that the children don’t feel guilty about being with the other parent and understand it is the right thing (in most cases) for children to have a relationship with both parents. Best wishes in working it out - you will all get used to the adjustment. Before we met, my partner used to work late on the nights the kids were with their dad, get the chores done, see friends, joined a gym, went swimming etc so she could devote her evenings with the kids to them but was occupied on her days without them. They spent all special occasions such as Xmas and birthdays together as a family of 4 up until very recently and have always reiterated to the kids that they are still a family of sorts.

Your ex is a real cunt

Upends your life and fucks off with his secretary (what a sad cliche) then as if he's not destroyed your life enough he also wants to take your kids half the time prob to avoid paying CSA

I'm old fashioned and think kids should primarily be with their mums. Can't stand this new trend of dads wanting 50/50. we grew them inside our bodies, we gave birth to them they're part of us . we usually sacrificed a lot more than their dads ie our careers and our bodies and usually it's mums who do the lions share of childcare regardless of whether we work or how many hours

It has to be the kids choice of course but I really Hope they stayed with you and I really hope things are looking brighter for you now xx

I would imagine he's saying 50/50 because he doesn't want to pay you much and he knows at their age they're quite self sufficient

At their ages it is up to them. You need to secure support for yourself as the next while will be bumpy and emotional support can't be solely on your children.

You need to change your mindset to what will work for them. With support you will be able to ensure they feel they can make decisions without potential unintended emotional blackmail.

His feelings for his children are separate to his feelings for you. That is a hard detachment to make hence the need to get some support.

@bumbelinabumsquash The courts ruled 50/50 split between a coercively controlling ex when my sons were only 3 and 6.
So rejoice in the fact you've had so many of their childhood years with them to be a full-time mum.
Many parents are not as blessed.
Also, not sure what you mean by one bedroom, one home?