50 50 panic

[bumbelinabumsquash]

I've been in a panic for days and need some advice. Me and H split after he admitted an 18 month affair with his secretary. We'd been married 18 years. Two kids, 14 and 16.
We are starting divorce process and he has said he wants 50/50 custody of kids. Emotionally I don't think I'll cope with not having them here half the time. I have nothing else in my life. Everything has been about being their mum. I feel I've barely got many years with them left at home and don't want to lose them 50% of the time in the short time we have before they leave home, just because of something he has done.
Both kids are sensitive homebodies and like and need stability. Could it work that they predominantly live with me. Have one bedrooom, one house. They can visit him whenever they want as he will have to live nearby for schools etc... dinner, evenings after school, weekends, but most of the time come home after. There will be times when I want to go away or have a night out when they could stay there but not more regularly. I can't see it being anything less than a logistical nightmare having two bedrooms and sharing custody properly with sorting school/college books, clothes, uniform, stuff for clubs etc. I honestly think that wouldn't be best for the kids. How has it worked for you? I need lived experiences and advice please.

Surely at that age the kids choose what they want.
He probably wants 50 50 so he doesn't pay maintenance

They will soon be over the age of enforced arrangements anyway.

What do they want?

Hi everyone, I am totally new here. My friend recommended this website to me.
I am currently going through divorce process, my ex signed the documents.
I applied for universal credit even tho we still live together but he won’t pay any money into joint account. I work only part time but want to increase my hours. I want to send my son who is 2,5 to the nursery for more days but at the moment I am not able to effort it and his dad won’t support me either.
What can I apply for, what sort of help with I get as a single mother ? My family is in Poland I am here on my own, with friends around.
When it comes for financial agreement I know my ex will seek some professional advice but I cannot afford it myself.
Is there anything you advise me to do?
I will much appreciate your help

I think you will get more responses if to you start your own thread
Good luck

It's up to the kids what they want. If they wanted to live with him full time there would be nothing you could do about it.

Kindly, get some help and get a life outside your kids. The oldest is 16, this time in 2 years they could be living in halls several hours away full time. The 14yo not far behind them. You will need to be ok with that. They are not responsible for your happiness, it would be incredibly unfair to put that weight on them. Do they actually want to live with you and visit dad? Or are they saying that because they know how upset you are at the thought of being without them so they're trying to make you happy rather than doing what they want? Will the same feelings of guilt leaving you alone when you get upset make them live at home and go to uni close by rather than going somewhere they really want to go to?

You need to develop your own life & friendships as your DC will be adults soon anyway. Perhaps it would be good for their relationship with their Dad to see him 50/50. This isn’t about you and what you need.

As PPs have said, at these ages it is totally up to the DC. Just tell him what they want. The likelihood is that he is trying to avoid CM and giving you less in the divorce. Have you spoken to a solicitor?

But as PPs have said this is not about you, or what he wants, you ask openly what the DC want and go with that.

I can see why you are upset-none if this is what you wanted. Counselling is a good way forward for you to talk it through.

In the meantime…

-ask what the kids want to do. Don’t pressure them, but try to remain neutral.
-focus on your housing situation-can you afford to stay where you are or do you need to sell up? Do you need to work more hours/change job in order to afford this.
-stay in contact with friends, go out and do stuff for you as the kids will be off doing their own thing before you know it so you have to have some things just for you.

Sorry I don’t know how to start it, can you please help me?

Both you and your ex owe it to your children to make this situation as easy for them as possible. At the most basic that would involve not putting them in the middle of a dispute between you and not making them feel split over who they spend time with. They will love you both and want / need you both.

At their age they will be spending less and less time with either of you. Most of their time is spent at school, sleeping or with friends. This is just going to increase.

There is a real danger that you could make them feel that if they spend time with their father it will hurt or upset you. This isn’t fair even if it is true.

I think you are being a bit selfish TBH, from what you say, have you thought that the children are possibly fully aware that you don't have any friends and feel like they are walking on eggshells if they suggest they want to be 50% with their dad. My son has been the same with his Dad. Teenagers also want an easy life so living with their mum who does everything for them, they are going to say they want to be with you.

Also, why should their father not be responsible for them why shouldn't childcare be 50/50? Children are not property and its refreshing that the dad does want to see his children as much as you do. At the age they are, there is nothing wrong with them having some responsibility with remembering what they need to do around clubs / clothing / logistics etc without the mother doing everything for them. Promoting independence in teenagers is essential for the big wide world.

I know its not ideal for them and given the choice they would rather have two parents together but that's not always the case. Regardless of whether your ex had an affair etc. he is still the father.

Honestly I think anyone who cheats, cheats on the whole family

However kids need the freedom of choice and the freedom to see their father, however shitty he is, without feeling guilty due to your feelings

Ideally if you live close by, just let them come and go as they please. There will be times when they spend more time with you and time when they spend more time with him. It means you get to spend more time on the things you want to do. Embrace that and encourage them to spend time with their Dad.

It will help you hugely to build a new social life in preparation for them actually leaving. I know that isn't what you want to hear and it won't make anything less painful, but it is good for the kids to feel they have complete agency especially at their ages.

I'd be relieved your children are at the ages to choose. I have to send my six year old daughter to live with her dad and his girlfriend 50 percent of the time even though she hates it. As long as the kids are happy and get the choice everything will be okay op.

I do sympathise, I’m in a very similar situation, long marriage, 2 teenage kids, infidelity on an industrial scale. Also had to deal with cancer since he moved out. He never wanted 50/50, but it has ended up at 2 nights a week at his. I struggle when the girls aren’t here, I have a very full social life and loads of friends but the fact we don’t have set nights for contact makes it hard to plan. I’m trying to put a little more structure in place as at the moment it feels like my needs always come last but ultimately at those ages it is down to what the kids want. And as pp have said, now is a good time to start preparing for the empty nest. I’ve joined a walking group and taken up salsa to get me out of the house and meeting people. It’s hard, you have to push yourself out of your comfort zone but it’s better than sitting at home moping when the kids aren’t there.

Also bear in mind that he may be asking for 50/50 now but if he hasn’t been a fully involved parent in the past (mine wasn’t) that could change very quickly as the novelty will wear off for both him and the DC. Mine are very aware that if stuff needs sorting out for them (driving lessons, dr appointment, Uni visits etc etc) they’re going to need mum on the case - again not ideal for me but at least I know they have one parent they can rely on

@bumbelinabumsquash I am also very sympathetic to how you feel. I would be very lost if my DS was 50/50, for us 2 nights at his dad seems to be working for now, but i still miss him on the weekend days when I am on my own. Online we can't know your family dynamic and how involved your husband was etc. maybe if you have been doing all the donkey work he will not in reality want 50/50 anyway and as most people have said teenagers normally get a say in the balance which works for them. Please be kind to yourself and as others suggest look for a support network and reach out to your friends and maybe try counselling (although I didn't actually enjoy that aspect). The better care you take of yourself the better place you will be in to look after your DCs and even if they are at their dads more time than you would prefer, then you can build a happy home together when they are with you.

Do what the kids want. Just don't say things like when you want a night out then you will throw your ex a bone and allow the kids to stay over his house.

Whilst children should be consulted about where they live they should not be asked to choose where they want to live because this can have such a detrimental impact on their relationship with the parent they don't choose to stay with.

Some of what you have said is a bit concerning in terms of how much you have pinned your future happiness and companionship on your children. If they know this then it may have impacted their decision and that's not fair on them. Despite what their dad has done to you (horrible as it has been), they still deserve to have a relationship with their dad that includes normal everyday things. If their dad was an active part of their lives prior to the split then it is better for them that he continues to be an active part of their lives.

I think it’s really only to suit Dads, 50/50. They can pay no maintenance and look like a great Dad, but most I know do not really do the 50/50, it’s all really about ego and not about the kids at all.

Contact is supposed to be what is best for the children, even if they are old enough to have an input, your views as his mum and what you think is best are really important. He’s obviously fighting his corner for 50/50 so fight yours.

For what it’s worth, I think your Ex is being a bit of an idiot. He’s thinking he wont’ lose anything by having an affair, but he will. Of course his kids are not going to be happy split in half, they are the age where they just need a solid base to launch themselves into their own lives. They will not want to be sleeping at Dads house just to please him, they will most likely be more concerned with friends, activities, starting to go out and have fun. Remembering to bring clothes and homework will drive them mad.

And for you, I’m sorry for you it’s not going to be easy. Your kids will be going away to college or work and you have to recover from being abandoned really. On the other side though, you can make the most of these years by making the house really nice for you and the kids, they will be having a rough time also so why not focus on them and you. Spend a lot of quality time if you can with them, set up some routines now like roast dinner or movie night or bowling night, or whatever you want really so that you have some stability going forward. Good luck, you’ll be fine.

@bumbelinabumsquash
Life is rarely about what you deserve. Would you want a man who no longer loves you to have stayed with you because that is what you deserve? Who deserves to be tied to someone who no longer loves them.?

At your children's age the Court will consider their preferences. But keep in mind that many children especially teens navigate the 2 home situation quite well.

Your kids are reaching the age where they will want to spend time with friends rather than parents and the house where they experience fewer restrictions will likely be the preferential place as they navigate the teen years.

As painful as it may be to accept, your kids did not lose a family; they still have both a mother and a father. You should remind them of that so that the know that the change is between you and their father but not between them and their father.

Give them the freedom and encouragement to try their wings in this new reality. If dad does not pose a safety threat, there is no reason not to want them to split their time . Ultimately, it will be friends, sports, and school activities that will get the lions share of their time. Interest, and activities.

Maybe, now is the time to start thinking about how you will spend your childfree time. What interests and activities might you wish to develop and engage in during your free time. If your children can experience you as a complete and contented adult, this transaction will be easier for them.

@ToastMarmalade all this Dad bashing is very sad. Assuming a dad wants to look after his own children to avoid maintenance is judgemental. I was the breadwinner in my marriage and forced to leave my marital home and my DS temporarily it has broken me in two.. and yes it was me who needed to end the marriage so I knew the risks. However, now finally I can now spend more time with my DS without my controlling Ex husband breathing down my neck telling me what a shit mother I am and that I just want a new life for myself. I have worked my ass off so my ex could be a stay at home dad but as soon as I wanted to end things with HIM I’m made to feel a horrible person.
I have more quality time and my relationship with my DS is amazing and he now understands my reasons for leaving as he is seeing the spiteful and needy side to his Dad. So from a reverse ‘norm’ I have a different perspective and appreciate all the dads in a ‘traditional’ marriage who have to sacrifice time with kids to support the family and are meant to feel like they love their kids less and are being selfish and tight by wanting to care for their own children.

Obviously not all dad's. But in my case, my daughter's father wanted 50/50 to avoid maintenance even though he couldn't facilitate it and palms our child off on his girlfriend, parents etc. When our child wants to stay with me. It's bullshit and I'm angry the family court system seems to pander to these men.

@bringoutthebranston you sound like you acting with the families best interests in mind, but you did not act like this father. We let fathers off the hook all the time, that father in question didn’t think of the impact on his family (not just his wife) of having an affair, an act of pure selfishness. If he wanted to end the marriage he could have done so with integrity and also taken his kids views into consideration. They clearly want to stay at their Mums yet he is pushing for 50/50.

So yes, this father has let the whole family down already and they haven’t even started coparenting. I think the OP has been pretty moderate in her judgement of him in the post and yet the amount of posts saying ‘it’s so important for him as a father… ‘

It’s the kids welfare at the centre of this. He isn’t thinking of them at all. Financial strains and conflict are found in studies time and time again to be the strongest predictors of childhood stress after divorce. This father is creating both financial strain and conflict with his insistent on 50/50. He’s selfish and he obviously doesn’t care about the kids.

Blimey, talk about kicking someone when they’re down.

Of course the OP needs to sort herself out, but she’s just discovered her husband’s been having an affair, and her life has turned upside down.

Anyway..

It’ll be up to the kids OP - as their preference is to live with you and see plenty of him, it sounds like it’s going to be fine, so try not to worry.

Obviously you are having a shit time right now, but as you are starting a new chapter anyway, can you take it as an opportunity to think about how you can build your life up - think about retraining, building up friendships, travelling.. all of that.

It is up to the kids what they want, given their ages. Please don’t guilt them into staying with you because you have no life. You need to develop one outside the kids. Having said that your ex probably wants 50/50 to avoid paying anything to you, so you do need to be clear about the living arrangements going forward. I am so sorry you are going through this - you will get through it though, and be stronger and happier even if it doesn’t feel like that just now.