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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Life after divorce: how are you both living now?

86 replies

MistyBay · 15/09/2023 15:14

I am curious to know how life ended up for you - your X too - after separation/divorce.

what’s in store for us newbies?

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 16/09/2023 11:59

@BarleySugars what role / area are you in?

I am so lost right now. Don't know which way to turn.

Original poster
MistyBay · 16/09/2023 12:04

I hope I don’t end up bumping into some of your ex’s. They sound horrendous. We ought to start a mumsnet database to make sure we can avoid all the twats out there.

I’ve been separated a week but he’s not moved out yet.

this week has been turmoil, but I’m not heartbroken.

I have settled on my official line as being, ‘it’s ok I don’t have to look after him anymore’. It sums up how I feel perfectly.

I will also watch with interest his slow fall from grace. I got married to an emotionally stunted, man child clown and raised him up so that he had respect, money and a solid home life. It wasn’t easy for either of us but I am interested to see how, without my guidance, he will fare and if he has learnt anything over the last 20 years. I honestly don’t think he realises how instrumental I have been in building a decent life for us and DCs. ALL the decisions and responsibilities fell to me. The end result has been amazing - a lovely home and DCs thriving. but, no, he wants a new life going to parties and dating.

I’m exhausted after all the hard work my life has been for last 20 years so am looking forward to a rest.

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 16/09/2023 12:10

I'm living in my lovely home that I owned before I married him, I have a full time professional job, pensions, nice car and friends. Also lovely adult DS.
He's living in a bedsit, can't keep a job, looks a mess, no money.
He was one of those who was never happy with whatever we had and is not happy with what he has now.
It isn't my problem any more.

BarleySugars · 16/09/2023 12:19

BlastedPimples · 16/09/2023 11:59

@BarleySugars what role / area are you in?

I am so lost right now. Don't know which way to turn.

I did all kinds of work out of desperation at first - warehouse, driving plant machinery, working on a recycling conveyor belt, in hospitality. I was getting absolutely nowhere so enlisted the career coach and she sorted me out. I highly recommend one for you if you have any budget at all, i got a cheap rate with a student. I wont say what my advice was as it was specific to me.

I now do sales/marketing and hopefully at the moment transitioning to consultancy.

If you dont mind what you do, data analytics is hot right now, seems to be getting all the money. That or 'product ownership' on the IT side. Good old sales gets you good commissions and bonuses though if you have the gift of the gab ;)

Milkand2sugarsplease · 16/09/2023 13:25

Everything is better all round for us.

I met my now DH a few months after I left ex so we have a life together. Ex is in his own home, has our son 1/2 nights a week but otherwise has his bachelor life and loves it.

No animosity between any of us but I leave him to his life and leaves me to mine.

Original poster
MistyBay · 16/09/2023 16:11

@Gettingbysomehow how long were you married?

@BarleySugars you sound so resourceful. Well done on your progression.

OP posts:
shieldmaiden7 · 16/09/2023 16:31

It's been 6 years.
I'm remarried, have a toddler with my husband, expecting another baby next month, mortgage free home owners and have full custody of all the children I share with him. Financially better off and incredibly happy.

He's had one relationship that failed. Started using drugs in that relationships. Has visitation with the children for 2 hours every other weekend (through his own choice) Lives with his parents. Still an alcoholic who almost lost his well paid job because of it. He's really struggled with his mental health. But he's a bully.

Original poster
MistyBay · 16/09/2023 16:35

@Milkand2sugarsplease @shieldmaiden7 glad to hear it. I do hope I will be ‘incredibly happy’ at some point.

OP posts:
Original poster
MistyBay · 16/09/2023 16:39

BlastedPimples · 16/09/2023 11:59

@BarleySugars what role / area are you in?

I am so lost right now. Don't know which way to turn.

What’s your situation @BlastedPimples ? Why are you in a rut?

OP posts:
Milkand2sugarsplease · 16/09/2023 16:50

@BlastedPimples I can honestly say I've never been happier. I have a wonderful relationship that I never ever thought I'd have. I left my ex happy to be alone so certainly didn't leave him for anyone else but chance led me back to my teenage crush and here we are now.....

I wouldn't have met DH again if I'd not bit the bullet and walked away from what wasn't working.... and I gave it enough years to "make it work" and "stayed for the child" etc. he was less willing to admit that we shouldn't be together but he's less able to see tomorrow. Now he has a life he loves he'd admit that separation was the best thing for everyone.

SansaClegane · 16/09/2023 17:11

It's been 6 years for me.
Started a degree, which I'm about to complete.
Sold the "family home", paid exH off, bought my very own home in new location for a proper fresh start, which the DC love.
Got a DDog which I always wanted (he didn't like dogs) who is adored by us all and gets me out every day.
Started going on proper family holidays, including taking the DC abroad (he never wanted to go on holidays with the kids); discovering new countries and making memories (sorry about the twee phrase, but here it fits).
Found a new job and career / direction in life.
Also found the most gorgeous, funny and kind man 2 years ago and never looked back - we fancy each other like mad, sex life is the best it's ever been! He never fails to tell me how attractive he finds me, which has also boosted my self esteem.

Not going to lie, it was (and is!) tough at times, but overall I'm so much happier now, don't regret it for a minute, and absolutely love my 'new life' Smile

Original poster
MistyBay · 16/09/2023 18:49

SansaClegane · 16/09/2023 17:11

It's been 6 years for me.
Started a degree, which I'm about to complete.
Sold the "family home", paid exH off, bought my very own home in new location for a proper fresh start, which the DC love.
Got a DDog which I always wanted (he didn't like dogs) who is adored by us all and gets me out every day.
Started going on proper family holidays, including taking the DC abroad (he never wanted to go on holidays with the kids); discovering new countries and making memories (sorry about the twee phrase, but here it fits).
Found a new job and career / direction in life.
Also found the most gorgeous, funny and kind man 2 years ago and never looked back - we fancy each other like mad, sex life is the best it's ever been! He never fails to tell me how attractive he finds me, which has also boosted my self esteem.

Not going to lie, it was (and is!) tough at times, but overall I'm so much happier now, don't regret it for a minute, and absolutely love my 'new life' Smile

Oh how fab! That’s a belter of a ‘life after divorce’ tale. Thanks for sharing.

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 16/09/2023 19:03

@MistyBay I am in the middle of my divorce actually. Split since October last year. I'm struggling though.

An adulterous abusive ex so I'm still reeling.

He informed me last weekend he'd had an affair with a 24 year old woman in lock down in another city whilst I was looking after his dad for three months in our home city. I got really upset and felt I'd gone back ten paces.

So I have a part time job. But I've only worked on and off throughout our marriage with four dcs. I really want to make progress and become financially independent instead of the poverty the dcs and I face.

I just don't know what to do.

BlastedPimples · 16/09/2023 19:03

But I love reading all these inspirational stories

googledidnthelp · 16/09/2023 19:09

Just married an amazing man who is father of my only child and we recently also bought a lovely home.
I couldn't imagine a life with ex and so pleased I didn't have one!

Original poster
MistyBay · 16/09/2023 19:43

BlastedPimples · 16/09/2023 19:03

@MistyBay I am in the middle of my divorce actually. Split since October last year. I'm struggling though.

An adulterous abusive ex so I'm still reeling.

He informed me last weekend he'd had an affair with a 24 year old woman in lock down in another city whilst I was looking after his dad for three months in our home city. I got really upset and felt I'd gone back ten paces.

So I have a part time job. But I've only worked on and off throughout our marriage with four dcs. I really want to make progress and become financially independent instead of the poverty the dcs and I face.

I just don't know what to do.

Four DCs! You have so much in your plate. How old are they? The fact you are holding down a job at all is a miracle. Try not to be too ambitious at this time. What I did when the DCs were young is to train myself and just take on small projects so the focus was on learning for when the time was right, rather than earn money. When my youngest was 15 I walked into a high paying role using all the skills I had mastered over the years.

OP posts:
FSTraining · 16/09/2023 20:17

Gettingbysomehow · 16/09/2023 12:10

I'm living in my lovely home that I owned before I married him, I have a full time professional job, pensions, nice car and friends. Also lovely adult DS.
He's living in a bedsit, can't keep a job, looks a mess, no money.
He was one of those who was never happy with whatever we had and is not happy with what he has now.
It isn't my problem any more.

You need to give the higher earners facing divorce some tips on how to achieve that outcome! Your ex sounds just like my ex-wife but she ended up with 60% of the assets having barely lifted a finger for 15 years.

meatballsandwich · 17/09/2023 08:08

Hi bless you sorry it’s shit at this moment.Give yourself credit you have done amazing. Focus on you now and children.Be happy Don’t let your ex know it’s shit .Love your self that’s what I got told in past.All the best wishes and luck 🍀 for your future.

Yettisrus29 · 19/09/2023 23:05

5 years separated, in a job I love, in my own home. With a great life and some great men in that time, I know what I can get and its a massive improvement!

He goes from job to job, and girlfriend to girlfriend, and is about to move back in with his mum because he is in so much debt he can't get anyone to rent to him. He ignores the door because he's had bailiffs turn up and he lives like a pig.

He told me I'd fall apart and wouldn't cope without him. He obviously didn't know me very well as the women in my family are strong, independent women.

LadyWhineglass · 19/09/2023 23:10

I was granted full custody of all his friends when we divorced and we’re currently planning a lovely Christmas Lunch when we raise our glasses and say what a twat LordWhineglass was. He lives in a hut near a sewage farm now and I’m not even joking.

Crikeyalmighty · 20/09/2023 18:46

@MaMisled Ooh that's a bummer!!

Original poster
MistyBay · 20/09/2023 19:17

LadyWhineglass · 19/09/2023 23:10

I was granted full custody of all his friends when we divorced and we’re currently planning a lovely Christmas Lunch when we raise our glasses and say what a twat LordWhineglass was. He lives in a hut near a sewage farm now and I’m not even joking.

Brilliant! Love your name and that you are lady and (ex) lord!

OP posts:
FSTraining · 20/09/2023 19:29

LadyWhineglass · 19/09/2023 23:10

I was granted full custody of all his friends when we divorced and we’re currently planning a lovely Christmas Lunch when we raise our glasses and say what a twat LordWhineglass was. He lives in a hut near a sewage farm now and I’m not even joking.

How did he end up in a hut?

gogomoto · 20/09/2023 19:33

I live with my now dp, mortgage free as he had a similar sized equity share from his divorce. Life is good.

Exh has bought a small house but has a huge mortgage, (he instigated divorce, don't feel bad for him!) He has had a few relationships but has regrets according to dd

LadyWhineglass · 20/09/2023 21:22

FSTraining · 20/09/2023 19:29

How did he end up in a hut?

Show quote history

He chose it. We lived in a lovely house in a suburban area with good schools, public transport, shops etc, then after I moved out he sold the house and went to live in a shack in Pongville. I once drove past it to have a snoop and the area stank. I had to close my car windows.