Parental alienation

[wildlingtribe]

Anyone have any advice on being at the receiving end?

More information needed. My ex complained of parental alienation but actually my dc didn’t want to see him because he was abusive.

Not me but my H

It happens and it's awful 😞

Mine are being withheld haven't had any contact in months... assuming I'm being alienated as well.

Only thing can do is wait for court and hope things get put in place but it's soul destroying and cruel.

Has mediation helped?

No, they ignored it. Along with all other communication including solicitors.

I have four children, my eldest who is 13 has all of a sudden stopped contact and decided to live with her dad. He isn't emotionally mature at all. Irrational, toxic and conditional. He also lives with his mother. Who is also toxic.

Where do I stand with trying to see my girl again? The last three years she hasn't wanted to go there much. Then the last three months that switched in the blink of an eye.

Parental alienation is a blanket term applied to a set of actions and behaviours that interfere with a parent and child relationship. I don’t think it is a recognised term in the UK and it is deliberately avoided by SW’s and children’s services.

Rightly so because it is unhelpful in identifying the truth of the situation rather than the outcome. The fact that a child is declining a relationship doesn’t mean they have been alienated. Other factors might be at play like abuse.

I would suggest you reflect on what has happened to make your daughter reject first her father and now you. Or perhaps feeling the need to chose one of you but not both of you. Things can be overt or convert when it comes to making a child reject a parent or chose just one.

Legally she is just a point where she can chose where she lives unless there is a recognised safeguarding issue. Therefore you probably need to address this from a relationship pov. You might want to look into some form of therapy for you and her if she is willing to participate.

There has been other factors. Spoiling 1/4 children. She's been given her own bedroom unlike the others. She gets taken out to shopping trips, she gets lies told to her about me, she gets given unlimited screen time unlike at home, she gets free roam, allowed to act like a 18 year old unlike at home, she gets her dads attention for herself. The lies both her dad and GM have told the kids about me are awful. The list goes on.

Sure parental alienation can be thrown about, and I do believe there's other elements to this, the relationships with us both as parents, but from being so close to me for 13 years, and for that to switch in two months has been dramatic and a hypothetical punch in my throat.

I've also been thinking (after listening to a podcast on this) that it may be her way of feeling attached to him, and if she's with him - she isn't on the receiving end of verbal abuse and stress like I am)

Sorry for the multiple posts.

I just want set days and times for the children. And to know where I stand instead of it being constant guess work. Maybe mediation/ family therapy to help us all.
But he doesn't have the maturity or effort to even consider it as a beneficial factor for us all.

May also add that she has cut off not only me, but my family, her friends (the ones outside of school who she's grown up with, my mum friends kids)

Hmm, I'm not sure what the correct approach would be. Likelihood is if he's that way mediation wouldn't achieve much.

Do you have any court orders in place? That's one way you can have it set in writing in terms of routine but unless abuse you would have to do meditation first. Unless he refuses then you get the certificate to go to court.

She is only 13 - can she really make up her own mind who she lives with? Surely, it would be in her best interest to spend at least 50% of her time with each parent. I know legally she can’t decide until 16 but can I 13 year old really chose? It seems that obviously she would go to the place with more 1 on 1 time, less rules etc. doesn’t mean that’s what is best for her. My heart breaks for you OP.

This is my thoughts LDA.

She may have the wants, but the capacity to understand the full extent of this and decision making, that's not for a 13 YO. Especially when there is a lot surrounding all this and also the fact that it's been the last two months. Prior to this we have always been so close, and it's stopped so abruptly.

He's also refused to give me their passports back which I bought recently. They're all registered living with me.

It really is breaking me. I don't want to make it about me, but anyone that knows me knows how much I pour into raising them. The separation is a different matter, he basically tells the children I kicked him out.
Complete lies.

I am a victim of the same behaviour and what you have written above I could have written word for word.

It's heartbreaking and soul destroying.

Unfortunately I have no advice because my situation got worse and worse. We now barely speak

My heart goes out to you. I see this happening so often. I can't offer much help aside from maybe an online resource that might help you in the process of getting you fair custody through courts so you can have set days with the kids too - https://iamlip.com/help-guides/child-arrangements/ It's a shame that the term parental alienation can be used and thrown around so much to try and harm the parent who is literally just taking care of their child.

Surely this is the other way around though, you are the one being alienated by the father, so you could look into seeking support for it through courts?

I can understand a child of that age making own decisions but those decisions are based on mistruths and buttering them up to make it seem better with him. How you could prove that I'm not sure, though.

For example mine isn't quite the same, I am the father and the entire narrative of our relationship and the end of it has been twisted. Mine was abusive but not by me but I'm being smeared. I'm not allowed to see mine, there's nothing in place saying I can't other than legal threats but that alone stops me so I am stuck.

Now I haven't even spoke to mine in over five months, there's no family to give another perspective or to see if they are okay, nobody knows, they are isolated and I assume are being fed this one narrative.

The only thing I can do now is wait for court to try and relinquish control and that's what I've been advised, bide my time but in the process that relationship is being destroyed.

So, I dunno I think court may be the only way but the problem i suppose is at that age they will take their view into account?

I think it’s at least worth seeking some sort of legal advice to see where you stand? I’m sure in the circumstances, they can order a shared parenting schedule and would have the best interests of the child in mind (even if the child doesn’t know what is best herself).

Otherwise I guess, do nothing and hope that she sees the light and comes back. Hard though ☹️

Abusive men like to shout parental alienation is my experience

And abusive women like to use access to children and the legal system as means of control when the relationship ends in my experience.

Sadly we're both right and also wrong. Generalisations and stereotypes are not helpful when you are dealing with individual cases.

In my experience, there's no abuse against the children. Verbal towards me & about me - yes.

I feel as though she literally gets to do what she wants, when she wants, gets her own room (shares with siblings at home), treated like golden child etc.

One week he was in agreement that she needed to come home, the next he says she can do what she wants (to spite me).

2.5 years, she has seen how stressful it's been. She didn't have good to say about them most of the time. Now this rapid change & switch on me. The parent who hasn't ever let her down, always there, always provides.

I left my 14 yo frankly bloody feral ds to it when he wanted to stay ft with ex... A year later he reformed of his own doing and moved ft with me.

It's interesting that she's "switched" rather than just turned against you having had healthy relationships with both parents before. Two thoughts on this:

1. Her prior behaviour towards her father may have been interpreted by your ex as instigated by you rather than your daughter, making him unwilling to do anything about it now the roles have reversed (and the existence of verbal abuse to and about you is indicative of animosity there); and

2. Your daughter seems to get some degree of control from this scenario. Perhaps after the upheaval of divorce, this has been a reaction to it, first blaming him and now cashing in on being spoiled?

So after her being no contact for another week I FaceTime earlier. She couldn't be any less interested to talk. I was kind, patient, asked how school was going. I then asked if she wanted to have a day at home this week and she huffed and hung up.

(I later found out this evening from her sibling) she she immediately rang her dad and mocked me. Saying I was begging her to come home.

I collected the two others from there, my eldest walked past my car and blanked me.

I asked why she hung up, she wouldn't come near me. And shouted "why are you starting something, GO HOME" and slammed the door and locked it.

I asked their dad if he was aware that she's cut all ties as I am speechless. He said no, fluffed his words and walked away.

His mum then turned on the ring doorbell to watch me - something she likes to snoop.

I then said mediation is surely the way forward? He just walked off.

I've missed out some info for confidential reasons so other bits were said but he just lies through his teeth and paints me to "be starting".

He's also still refusing to give me the passports back which I bought a few months back.

I'm also too worried to try anything legal including CSA. This is 2.5years now