Husband wants us to sort finances out amicably together

[Namechange448]

So I have started using a solicitor, currently the solicitor has sent a letter to my husband's solicitor to ask for financial disclosure etc.
My husband has got in touch with me to ask can we sort this out amicably together or with mediators rather than use solicitors as apparently their fees will cost a fortune and we will end up hating each other , he says .

I would love to do it this way but I have no idea what I'm entitled to legally, I would want to know what he has first and let the solicitor tell me what I'm entitled to first based on his financial disclosure. Then at least I know what I'm entitled to and can go into discussions with him being informed.
I have a son who I'm the main carer for and I just want what I'm entitled to , no more and no less so that we can start afresh.

Is it possible to do it this way, find out what I'm entitled to first and then decide what to do?
I just can't go into discussions with him not having a clue what the equity is in the house etc.
I would like to say he has a history of being tight with money.

Don’t agree to this, he is not your friend anymore and there is no way he would suggest this unless he thought it would be better for him. What he probably means is that if you got full disclosure you would have a fair settlement based on this, which is likely to be of a higher value than he wants to give you, which will piss him off.

You can either do it his way and end up hating him because it won’t be a fair settlement, and you will be much worse off than him and unable to bridge the gap due to your caring responsibilities, or he will hate you because full disclosure means you walk away with a fair settlement, which he will see as you taking HIS money.

@Littlegoth you have hit the nail on the head.
If I get a fair settlement based on his financial disclosure , he is going to hate me for this as it will probably be much more than he wants to give.
On the other hand if I don't get what I'm entitled to and take less not knowing what his financial situation is, I'm not doing justice for myself or my son. However the relationship with him may still be amicable and he won't hate me..
It's like a lose lose situation.
Should I take potentially a lot less than I'm entitled to just to keep things amicable and to keep him on side? I don't want him to hate me as we are Co parenting together.

keep the solicitors and get what you are entitled to - if he is the type to hate he will whatever happens

Keep the solicitors - if he hates you for getting what is legally yours then we’ll you know why you left the turd…

If everyone provides the legal documentation and is clear lawyers aren’t that expensive …. Where lawyers become expensive is when the parties disagree that is a lawyer’s bread and butter

@Namechange448 The only way this could be amicable is if he chose to do full disclosure because he didn’t want his ex wife and child to be disadvantaged due to the relationship breakdown. It’s not just about getting a fair settlement now - it’s further down the line - assume that you will be on your own regarding any unexpected expenses for your child as he won’t pay half for them and he will resent you even asking. You would be doing both you and your child an injustice by not going the route of full settlement. He’s already shown he’s looking out for himself and the threat of him being a difficult co parent is not a good reason to settle for less than you are entitled to.

Like @Quartz2208 said - if he’s the type to hate he will anyway. If you think he will be difficult to co parent with if he has to agree a fair settlement then assume that he will be difficult later down the line regardless of what you do now. Better to be comfortable than destitute when dealing with it x

Tell him you would prefer the solicitors to deal with it. Tell him this will help keep things much more amicable as someone else can sort out the finer details.

It’s not your job to keep your ex happy and on side. He is an adult who should regulate his own behaviour. With someone who can’t do this you will be walking on egg shells for everything and he still won’t be happy. Do what’s best for you and your child.

@Imogensmumma totally agree. Good sensible legal advice is worth it. Just because you use solicitors does not mean you can’t go to mediation (in fact courts expect you to go). Lawyers advance their clients best case, but the reality is in most cases their advice on what the court will order is likely to be very similar.

You can instruct a solicitor on whatever terms (as long as they agree). So if you go in and say “I just want to instruct you to determine what is fair and then I’ll do mediation/discussions on my own” they’ll do that; however, if I was you I would keep the lawyer and just say you want to keep amicable as possible.

It's not amicable though, and you're not keeping him on side, you're just paying him off. Basically he's threatening that if you go for your fair share he'll get nasty. So you can pay him off this time, but what about the next time your son needs something? And the time after that? You're going to be paying him off (with your son's money) until he's 18 if you start this now. Do it properly and fairly.

I would tell him that you agree it will be best to come to an agreement amicably, and for this to be fair in the long run you need to do this in the context of your legal entitlement. That the financial disclosure request is fact finding in which to receive objective informed advice as to what would be e or red in mediation, and once the facts and figures are in the arena you will be able to negotiate calmly and fairly.

And then stick ferociously for your rights, fair and square! If he tries to fight what you are legally entitled to it is him running up the lawyers’ clocks.

The process has to start with a full financial disclosure on both sides, doesn't it? Regardless of the approach that then follows, whether you both take legal advice and then use that to inform mediation, or whether you use lawyers to do the negotiation. So I think you can effectively say well let's do the financial disclosure to our lawyers, get advice and then see how far apart our expectations are.

I think there is a lot of merit and savings to be achieved if you work through things yourself or via mediation. A lot of things are an establishment of fact and don’t need legal interpretation.

In your post you state that you don’t know the value of equity in the home. I don’t think you need a solicitor to establish what that is. A house can easily be valued, usually for free, and you will both need to do that anyway the solicitor isn’t going to do it for you. The equity is the value less the outstanding mortgage which can be provided by the lender.

Most people use a combination of agreeing themselves, mediation and lawyers. I reckon you could get a lot of the financial disclosure work done without a lawyer. If you have concerns about the information provided then use a solicitor. Then they can provide expertise and strategy. Although really if you have grave concerns and there is a lot of money missing you need a forensic accountant.

Needs is usually were people start needing objectivity and expertise because these can be under or over stated.

Honestly two solicitors normally cost a lot of money so it depends on how much equity you have between ye. If it's small to start with mediation is a great option.

Going to go against the grain here, and say it might be worth exploring the self negotiated/mediated route.

There's nothing stopping you from going through the same process a solicitor would, I.e. Provide 12 months bank statements, declaration and valuation of assets etc. Then both state all your current and forecasted future cost. And you both get to scrutanise what's accurate, over egged, unnecessary, etc. Main thing is don't get emotional if something is bollocks, and keep it civil.

Reason I say this. Is my exW dug in with the solicitors, and took advice from friends that she should go for as much she could, as I was higher earner. It put me in a position where all I could do was fight back. All in all the whole process ate about £40k (for a £400k pot), and ultimately ended with a less generous settlement than I thought was fair to start with.

After 2 years of litigation and paying £2k/month, we landed on an extra 2 years of spousal maintenance from the date of the hearing with a taper in the amount. I was commended for adequately supporting her, and that she was now going to have to face the reality of supporting herself. Prior to the hearing I was repeatedly accused via shitty solicitor letters about being barely supportive - which also spilled over into friends and acquaintances and loss of.

It was all just shit and unnecessary, driven by solicitors that like getting paid their fees. As soon as the barristers got involved and they could sense which way it was going, they u-turned on her and told her to accept much lower than what she expected.

So yeh. If you can, try and figure it out. But yes, pull the trigger if you suspect foul play. But then also think about what actually works for you. As a long drawn out shit show can be more painful than its worth.

Good luck.

Yeah I'm always super suspicious of 'you don't need a solicitor, we should work it out between us' as in my (suspicious) mind it translates to 'I have more than you are aware of and I would prefer to only split what you know about'

It's so hard to say either way - I didn't use solicitors - requested disclosure from ex husband and I was 99.9% sure of the accuracy of the info as he's always been awful with money and so I was in control of our finances he is more likely to have his a hidden debt than a lottery win. Came to an agreement between us and just had a solicitor write the consent order. I couldn't have afforded £185 per hour for a solicitor and my ex certainly couldn't. So it was best this way otherwise it would have dragged on and cost a fortune

We started with a mediator and it cost around £500 plus we had a voucher issued for another £450 I think as there were DC involved (mediator has to apply and it’s a gov initiative to stop things going to court, and encourage mediation)

It was helpful. Mediator talks to you & STBEH separately and then together with you both completing on of the main financial disclosure forms (can’t remember what it was called) declaring everything - joint accounts, own accounts, assets (house) savings, investments, pensions, earnings (potential earnings), declaration of income through payslips etc. It was a “cards on the table” type meeting and mediator helped with some nuances.

It was helpful and we definitely weren’t amicable at that time. Unfortunately my STBEH didn’t want to continue with our mediator so we’ve now moved to solicitors back and forth and it’s costing. It’s not for me not trying to do without solicitors as it’s dead money and I feel I could have done this on my own and used the solicitor for the final part. Shame really.

Decent mediators are really good, they’re normally retired judges or lawyers so they put you in your place if you suggest something and it would be rejected by the courts (here’s looking at you STBEH thinking you'd keep your pension and I’d keep mine when yours is significantly bigger than mine and I brought up your child and put my career on hold for 8 years!)

We didn't use solicitors and worked it out ourselves. I knew what was fair and that's what I asked for. It was a lot less than 50% but there were other factors like his inheritance and property he had before the marriage that I just didn't feel morally right to try and take. Other people might see differently but for me it was important, and it would have also resulted in the children having two new homes if I'd pushed for more.

I also didn't care about every penny, he was was welcome to keep cars etc that I classed as his. I just wanted the divorce done, dusted and to be able to get my own house. So I wasn't up for scrutinising everything.

I don't see why you need a solicitor at all at this point, but it's your money. What can the solicitor do that you can't do yourself or through mediation? Everyone I know who used solicitors spent £8-10k before they either abandoned that approach as they couldn't afford it, or settled at an unsurprising 60:40 to 50:50 split.
Can you afford the solicitor? If so, keep going if that's the route you want to take, but I wouldn't assume it will get you any further than mediation would. You'll need full disclosure either way.
Why don't you know about the equity? Are you not on the mortgage and deeds?

@Namechange448

Should I take potentially a lot less than I'm entitled to just to keep things amicable and to keep him on side?

There is no guarantee that he Will be amicable even if you do things his way, potentially to your and your child's disadvantage if you don't have the complete, accurate financial information. 🌹

Change your language. He is not GIVING and you are not TAKING. You are DIVIDING what belong to both you. Don't let him think nor you think you are taking what he decides to give you. It's both of yours already, you are deciding on the split.

There’s no harm in going to the mediation, exchange Form E and having a discussion between yourselves. I would speak to a lawyer once you have exchanged Form E to get advice on what ballpark you should be aiming for in mediation. You’ll soon know if he is as concerned about being amicable as he says he is! But at least you won’t have wasted any money. You don’t have to tell him you’ve consulted with a solicitor if you worry about his reaction (although you will have to share bank statements as part of your Form E disclosure).

he is not your friend anymore

Sure, seek legal advice but treat him like he’s the enemy and he’ll respond in the same manner. Don’t make it more difficult than you have to.