Husband wants us to sort finances out amicably together

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So I have started using a solicitor, currently the solicitor has sent a letter to my husband's solicitor to ask for financial disclosure etc.
My husband has got in touch with me to ask can we sort this out amicably together or with mediators rather than use solicitors as apparently their fees will cost a fortune and we will end up hating each other , he says .

I would love to do it this way but I have no idea what I'm entitled to legally, I would want to know what he has first and let the solicitor tell me what I'm entitled to first based on his financial disclosure. Then at least I know what I'm entitled to and can go into discussions with him being informed.
I have a son who I'm the main carer for and I just want what I'm entitled to , no more and no less so that we can start afresh.

Is it possible to do it this way, find out what I'm entitled to first and then decide what to do?
I just can't go into discussions with him not having a clue what the equity is in the house etc.
I would like to say he has a history of being tight with money.

We're in the process of separating. My husband also wanted to be 'amicable'. This translates as 'you accept what I give you without an argument' in a man's dictionary.
No way I'm that stupid, I know the only equity that's guaranteed to be ever passed down to my children is what I can get now. (I've seen too many cases of subsequent marriages and children left with nothing when fathers die.)

So by not being amicable what are you aiming to get? Did you have a percentage split in mind already and what would not be amicable about it?

If you do not know all the finances then you would be mad not to use a solicitor . You have to get the best deal for you and your son here and you have to remain with some control and your solicitor will help that . Prepare for it not to be nice and just accept that , he may well challenge you will all sorts and each tine boundary him and stand firm if necessary blame your solicitor , you won't get this chance again so do it right . My friend agreed a payment out of court for her and her 4 children without legal advice , he never paid ! He later bought a huge house with his new partner . My friend has struggled since sadly

Where did it say treat him like your enemy? I mean that the relationship has changed and she needs to remember he’s not on her team any more so she will need to consider this in everything act accordingly, rather than assume he will be fair.

Mediation is a good option, but there needs to be some independent involvement and full disclosure to ensure a fair split. There’s no reason this shouldn’t still be amicable. The only reason it wouldn’t be amicable is if he doesn’t want to share full details of finances - which sounds like it might be the case.

A solicitor will not tell you what you are entitled. It would be very easy if the process was black or white. They can tell you the principles that would be used for the judge to decide if it comes to that.

Solicitors argue and fight on your behalf with the other solicitor. That's why it can become extremely costly.

A good mediator will guide you as to the above principles. They will put all your finances on the table and will get both of you to talk about your needs, and then direct you to consider how both your needs can be met with what is available financially. If there isn't enough to meet all needs, they will help you to consider whether there is room to reconsider your needs and/or means to increase your income, and/or to compromise on what can be shared.

Often, that's all that is needed to see the reality of the situation and agree that each considered needs are reasonable, hence helping reaching fair compromise.

Ultimately mediation might not work and you'll have to battle it through solicitors or let the judge decide so you need to ascertain whether mediation is worth investing in. All this would be explore in the initial assessment and those are cheaper than an hour long meeting with a solicitor. Anywhere between £150 and £250.

'lets just keep this amicable by me picking a figure out of the air and expecting you to accept it without knowing the full facts or having any legal advice'

He must think you were born yesterday. He can keep costs down and avoid stress by making reasonable offers through your solicitors.

'lets just keep this amicable by me picking a figure out of the air and expecting you to accept it without knowing the full facts or having any legal advice'

He's suggested mediation. The above is not how it works. All finances will have to be shared for a fact just as it would via solicitors.

Exactly this. Why is a suggestion of mediation an immediate red flag of trying to rip someone off/hide, etc? I'm not saying it doesn't happen. It's just madness to come out all guns blazing.

I'd really try to go down the mediation route first. In fact the court demands it as they don't want people wasting precious court resources when things could be sorted out of court.

You then get to decide if he's being a shit as part of the process and go the full solicitor route. Solicitors are happy to take your money too.

You don't have to tell him everything you do. Most people see a solicitor as a starting point as everyone has such different circumstances to get an idea of how it works & what you are & aren't entitled to. Up to you then which approach you want to take

@PosterBoy He wanted 50-50 and totally disregarding pensions. As he's the higher earner, that'd not be fair and would render me and the children homeless. If you really need to know.

Ok so what are you aiming for instead? Is it necessary not to be amicable to achieve it?

Keep the solicitor and stop talking to him about things anymore.
As others said, he's not your friend.

As for accepting less, the cost of everything will continue to rise so get your fair share.

As other posters have said there is a bit of a misunderstanding about what amicable means and how mediation works. It doesn't mean you have to agree with your ex and do what he wants. You just share all financial details with each other then each put forward your proposal and then reach a compromise. You use a mediator to help with the conversation and, if you want, guide you.

Equally you can each obtain legal advice as well before the mediation so you know what would be considered reasonable. If one of you is unable to behave like an adult then it's not suitable of course.

It saves you about £10k legal fees if my friends legal bills are anything to go by.

What do you need OP? Start there.

My ex wife needed a fully paid off 3 bed house, which I provided. There was no need for any solicitors.

https://www.thedivorcesurgery.co.uk/amicable-divorce-uk-qa/

This is an example of how an amicable divorce might work. Note the mediators, trained solicitors, advise both parties on what a judge would consider a fair outcome.

I think it depends on the size pot. Would taking less leave you with security? Could you still buy a house? Or would it be detrimental to you and you child?

If you could take less but be comfortable, it's a different decision to leaving you on the breadline

It is possible to do some of it with solicitors and some without. There are a lot of resources online that can help you with that kind of thing. I used these free help guides to help me get through my divorce without a solicitor as I couldn't get one and I had no idea what I was doing - https://iamlip.com/ - there is a section all about dividing assets and other parts of divorce. My partner wasn't the nicest person so I was glad to have something help me out so I didn't get blindsided or have our finances split unfairly. See if this might help you.

Don't back down and let him take more than what he is legally entitled to. You and your child are important too. This help guide also may be helpful to you too - https://iamlip.com/his-money-her-money-our-money-who-do-marital-money-and-assets-belong-to/

You owe it to you and your child to get a fair settlement. If you think he is being deceptive, hiding assets or being obstructive or hostile then your mental health is worth solicitor fees. You could say we can try mediation but if you are being dishonest or arguing with me for an unfair split that leaves me unable to afford to care for our child then that isn’t amicable and we will have to go through solicitors. Pensions will be included in the split, since you can’t go back in time and be pregnant instead of me and stay home and take the career break and do most of the last n years of caring for our child. If you can’t handle that amicably say so now and I’ll keep my solicitor thanks.

Normally this happens because the man doesn't get a clean break, remarries and doesn't want his ex-wife to have a claim on his estate (ex-spouses without a clean break can seek to gain financial support from the estate contrary to any will). To ensure his current spouse can continue living in any property, it is necessary to hold it as joint tenants rather than tenants in common so that the new spouse can receive the house under survivorship.

A better way that protects the children is to have a clause in the consent order where the ex-spouses forgo any claims on each other's estates. Both parties are then free to write wills that give their new partners a life benefit to reside in their new properties but also allows them to hold the properties as tenants in common and put a charge on said properties in favour of their children.

Why did you provide it? You mean you divides your joint assets in a way that that was her split. You didn't bountifully give it to her, it was her fair share.

OP, I agree with all the PPs who say you won’t gain anything by letting him rip you and DC off — which is what he’ll do if you go along the supposedly amicable route.

My sister let her ex-husband take far more than his fair share, in the hope that he wouldn’t be mean to DC after the divorce. He was mean to them anyway, and shitty to her. She gained nothing by giving in to him.

It’s perfectly possible to be amicable, negotiate and agree without becoming adversarial or assuming parties are always out to rip each other off.
mediation can be very good

I hate all this, he’s not your friend, he’s now out to ensure you get nothing blah blah. Of course that could be the case, but also unlikely to happen and mediation, compromise and negotiation likely to be better outcome Than jumping straight to a position of fighting talk.

I know many men who have been perfectly fair to their ex spouses and I know many women who have not ! And the more you fail to compromise the more you’ll rack up costly fees

I'm sorry I disagree completely.

The question is: what is she ENTITLED to.

It's not about some man benevolently meeting her basic 'needs'.

These are joint assets. She is entitled to a fair split of her marital assets, reflecting her contributions and the size of the asset pool overall as well as her needs and that of her son.

@OP get a lawyer - you need someone on your side, who is ethically bound to advocate for your best interest.

Your ex is not going to do that.

A mediator is neutral.

You can undertake mediation with a lawyer, which might be a middle ground you can explore. It would reduce legal costs while also giving you access to independent advice.

Thanks so much everyone for the brilliant advice.
I want to know what he has financially and what I'm entitled to based on this. Then I can decide whether to take less than what I'm legally entitled to. Is there a way to find out what he has financially? Also maybe a stupid question but what is the difference between a Mediator and a Solicitor?
Can a Mediator ask him to do a full financial disclosure?
I am not interested in taking him to the cleaners or ruining his life or anything like that. I put a lot on hold to raise our child and am still doing it which allows him to work full-time.