My ex MIL calls me by my first name infront of my daughter!

[Sesbatron]

I left an an emotionally abusive relationship last year and it took a long time to fully understand how I was treated when it resulted in me moving out and having extreme panic attacks a few months later, hospital visit and then a diagnosis of C-PTSD. I thought the abuse was always caused by my daughters father, but I lived with the grandmother too whose behaviour to everyone else around her was questionable, yet her obsession and "love" for her granddaughter made it hard to believe she couldn't love her. Everyone was about money, gifts, designer everything. She had to look the best just like she would always say he children did. They had the best and so should she. They would never take her out to the park, to soft play or anywhere. Ignored me when I planned her birthday party with her school friends but claimed to love her more than anything and would make uncomfortable comments that my daughter was the only reason she hadn't ended her life.

My daughter goes to her dads house, where the grandparents still live as it is their home. Every other weekend she goes on a Friday and returns on a Sunday yet on a few occasions she has referred to me by my first name! It happened when I lived with them but then again she did the same with the dad and I somewhat disregarded it as I was in a state of dissociation the majorly of the time, leaving my job on mental health grounds and having an abortion at 13 weeks which I regret and avoid thinking about to this day as it is not something I would personally ever consider but I was emotionally numb and the only time I felt deep sadness was when a nurse scanned me and asked if I wanted to see the baby on the screen and I quickly said no! The pain soon subsided as my partner was texting me telling me to "hurry up" as he was waiting for me. The idea of bringing another child into this world knowing I would be abused for it was terrifying and I genuinely did not think I would be able to leave.

Using my name has gotten more frequent and my ex partner denies it even happens and he never admits blame or wrongdoing on her behalf as I am the bad person. She has always undermined my parenting which led me to believe I was inferior to her and she was the perfect doting grandmother who would sometimes call herself "mummy" accidentally.

Upon my daughters return after we split, on one occasion her grandmother told me that my daughter had said I hit her and she was scared of me. This isn't something she would ever usually say and although I'm aware children can lie I just don't believe that my 2 year old would come out with that. She said it so casually as well as though it wasn't concerning to her a child would say that.

My daughter would always cries and gets very distressed when she would see me upon her return and it would upset me as I'd been told that I was depriving her of a happy life because I left and that my daughter would now suffer as a result. The first hour back at home she wouldn't cuddle me when I would ask and would start to play in silence but come out of her shell after about an hour. I thought the distress was because she loves her grandmother so much, and she rarely asks for her daddy. However, I noticed whenever I pick her up from nursery which she's attended since 2021, her face lights up and she runs up to me for a big hug when I collect her. Last few times however she has been happy to see me when collecting her from her dad and grandma but there's also been a huge decline in texts asking how she is. I hear nothing for two weeks between getting her back and her going there again.

I am worried they're trying to alienate her against me and how that'll play out in the future. I need to protect my daughter but where do I start? Setting firm boundaries is obviously a start but do I look for external help? It's very hard to speak to them without being verbally abused by my ex.

There’s a lot going on here but can you explain exactly what the problem is with referring to you by your first name?

What is the issue with calling you by your first name? I dont understand why that's a problem.

Unless she's speaking to your dd and referring to your name then e.g. 'let's give this back to Ann' rather than 'let's give this back to mummy'

I'm so sorry you've had a traumatic situation with ending your pregnancy.

I've read this a few times and I can't quite see what the grandmother has done wrong here. My parents and my in-laws use mine and my husbands first names in front of the children when talking to me. Can you explain why this upsets you with a bit more detail?

You have been through so much and the trauma that you must be processing will take years so please be kind to yourself.

However on this one matter alone YABU.

Adults do refer to each other by their names.

I didn't explain the name thing very well - basically she will refer to me by my name sometimes rather than mummy to my daughter. For example by saying "go and find Emily" (not my real name for reference)

She's speaking to DD and referring to me by my name. I completely phrased that wrong but I am unable to edit.

I phrased it wrong, she speaks to my DD and refers to me by my name at times and I have no idea how often this happens behind my back

I got slightly lost in your lengthy post but there is clearly a lot going on.

My advice would be to focus on the substance rather than any peripherals.

Your exMIL calling you by your first name is WAY down your list of priorities. Plus I cannot for the life of me think of what else she might call you?

Is that a problem? Your child isn't 2, she's clearly school aged and she knows you have a name.

I worded it wrong. She speaks to DD and refers to me by my name rather than mummy

So what?

I’m guessing what’s happening here is that MIL is using your name when talking to your daughter in relation to whom you are to her, yes?

so instead of her saying ‘You’ll see mummy at xyz o’clock’ she actually says ‘you’ll see Sesbatron at xzy o’clock’ yes?

if that’s the cause I can see why it’s bothering you. It’s a surreptitious form of undermining and dismantling your relationship with your daughter, and if this is going on you can beg your bottom dollar there will be other subtle manipulative anx subversive alienation attempts going on.

Don't let them know it bothers you. If your daughter brings it up just say it's a silly thing grandma does.

I think you have bigger fish to fry here.

There’s not much you can do about it though - except ignore it, parent your daughter, and let them carry on. Kisses frequently wise up as they get older and figure out the games.

Even so OP, I would let that go. Especially since when you were living there MIL was the same with her son. Your DD won't be affected by this, she might call you your name a few times but that's common anyway, mine have both gone through a phase of hearing friends call me my name and they think that's great fun to call me that too. I roll my eyes and don't make a thing out of it.

it's also the kind of thing that's common by accident, appreciate that's not the case here, but failing to keep track of names is such a common and harmless thing in families. I would try and not worry about it!

I couldn't get het up over that. Honestly pick your battles, this really is a non issue

I am not sure I see the issue here tbh. Your daughter knows your mummy!
Sometimes my daughter calls me by my name, it doesn't bother me at all! she knows I am mummy!
The wider issues I can't comment on.

As PPs said don't show to them and your DD that it bothers you.

Also make it clear to your DD that other people call you "Emily" (or whatever your first name is) but it is no big deal as to her you are mummy/mum and love her.

It would also be worth seeing if you can get some counseling or find some neutral to talk to e.g. an acquaintance rather than a friend. That will help you know which things to take issue with and which things to leave well alone.

I really don't see the issue, even after you re-explained the name thing.

Your DD knows your name even if she wouldn't call you that. She also knows you are Mum/Mummy.

A complete non-issue.

That is your name though! You aren’t the MIL’s mummy.

I get why you're upset by this. As a pp says, it's a subtle way of disconnecting your daughter from you and freezing you out.

To a young child, mummy is usually the most significant person in their world. By taking away that title your MiL is undermining your significance in your daughter's life, which is cruel to both you and your dd. If it was the only thing going on, I'd say it was something to keep an eye on, but since there's so much else happening here it seems like her agenda is pretty clear.

im not sure I see the problem? To your ex-MIL, that’s how she refers to you. And your DD is old enough to know you have a name.

The issue is that the OP thinks her exMIL is undermining her position as the child's mother. She is attempting to alienate the child from her mother.

I should probably not ask questions here anymore as I find that I am gaslighted and my worries are irrational. My daughter is 3 years old, she isn't of school age like someone else claimed. She knows I am mummy and I know that, yet when she goes there once a fortnight she comes back and calls me grandma for a few hours and I tell her it's "mummy" but that doesn't make a difference. I shrugged that off as it's easy to make mistakes but she seems wary of me and distant upon her return which she doesn't after spending time with anyone else.

I actually get why this would be annoying but I think it might be one of the straws that broke the camels back and you’re walking on eggshells trying to figure out all of this. Do you have family you can talk to? Or good friends?