My ex MIL calls me by my first name infront of my daughter!

[Sesbatron]

I left an an emotionally abusive relationship last year and it took a long time to fully understand how I was treated when it resulted in me moving out and having extreme panic attacks a few months later, hospital visit and then a diagnosis of C-PTSD. I thought the abuse was always caused by my daughters father, but I lived with the grandmother too whose behaviour to everyone else around her was questionable, yet her obsession and "love" for her granddaughter made it hard to believe she couldn't love her. Everyone was about money, gifts, designer everything. She had to look the best just like she would always say he children did. They had the best and so should she. They would never take her out to the park, to soft play or anywhere. Ignored me when I planned her birthday party with her school friends but claimed to love her more than anything and would make uncomfortable comments that my daughter was the only reason she hadn't ended her life.

My daughter goes to her dads house, where the grandparents still live as it is their home. Every other weekend she goes on a Friday and returns on a Sunday yet on a few occasions she has referred to me by my first name! It happened when I lived with them but then again she did the same with the dad and I somewhat disregarded it as I was in a state of dissociation the majorly of the time, leaving my job on mental health grounds and having an abortion at 13 weeks which I regret and avoid thinking about to this day as it is not something I would personally ever consider but I was emotionally numb and the only time I felt deep sadness was when a nurse scanned me and asked if I wanted to see the baby on the screen and I quickly said no! The pain soon subsided as my partner was texting me telling me to "hurry up" as he was waiting for me. The idea of bringing another child into this world knowing I would be abused for it was terrifying and I genuinely did not think I would be able to leave.

Using my name has gotten more frequent and my ex partner denies it even happens and he never admits blame or wrongdoing on her behalf as I am the bad person. She has always undermined my parenting which led me to believe I was inferior to her and she was the perfect doting grandmother who would sometimes call herself "mummy" accidentally.

Upon my daughters return after we split, on one occasion her grandmother told me that my daughter had said I hit her and she was scared of me. This isn't something she would ever usually say and although I'm aware children can lie I just don't believe that my 2 year old would come out with that. She said it so casually as well as though it wasn't concerning to her a child would say that.

My daughter would always cries and gets very distressed when she would see me upon her return and it would upset me as I'd been told that I was depriving her of a happy life because I left and that my daughter would now suffer as a result. The first hour back at home she wouldn't cuddle me when I would ask and would start to play in silence but come out of her shell after about an hour. I thought the distress was because she loves her grandmother so much, and she rarely asks for her daddy. However, I noticed whenever I pick her up from nursery which she's attended since 2021, her face lights up and she runs up to me for a big hug when I collect her. Last few times however she has been happy to see me when collecting her from her dad and grandma but there's also been a huge decline in texts asking how she is. I hear nothing for two weeks between getting her back and her going there again.

I am worried they're trying to alienate her against me and how that'll play out in the future. I need to protect my daughter but where do I start? Setting firm boundaries is obviously a start but do I look for external help? It's very hard to speak to them without being verbally abused by my ex.

It does sound like subtle alienation. How old is your dd?

I think maybe have a look at parental alienation. Working with a therapist could help. If this becomes overwhelming, you could look at talking to a solicitor.

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/children-with-narcissistic-parental-alienation-syndrome

Ps I don’t think people are gaslighting op, I think they were just trying to figure out what you meant x

OP your daughter is very normal in regards to the names.

When various nieces and nephews and my own DD were around 3, they started calling me a variety of other people's names by accident.

Within a year my nieces and nephews stopped.

Now my DD, who is 4, delibrately calls me "Daddy", her CM's name, a nursery worker's name or anyone she is close to.

She's 3 now. I moved out and she was 22 months when it started.

Just tell your child that everyone has their own name, yours is X and you are her mummy, that’s why you get the title (not name) of mummy. You’re not your exes mother mother so she doesn’t need to refer to you as mummy. ‘Your mother/Xname’ is normal.

People are being too harsh to the OP, who is evidently traumatised by being an abuse survivor. It's not uncommon for people with PTSD to fixate on one minor detail because the total is too overwhelming.

Read the OP:

The ex-MIL told the OP her 2 yr old daughter made a physical abuse allegation against OP, which OP believes is the ex-MIL making up lies (since OP knows that she didn't physically abuse her toddler, and doesn't believe her toddler would make up a lie like that).

Ex-MIL has implied threatened suicide if denied access to her granddaughter (a common form of emotional abuse/manipulation).

Ex-MIL refers to herself as "mummy" but the child's actual mother by her first name to the child.

There's also this: "My daughter would always cries and gets very distressed when she would see me upon her return" and also describes the child as being silent for an hour whenever she sees her grandmother. This is not normal for a child! The ex-MIL is obviously treating her toddler granddaughter very badly for the child to be so deeply upset after every visit.

OP, I don't know what to say, except that you have a right to prioritise your and your child's emotional health. I would cut right down on the ex-MIL being able to see the grandchild, and wouldn't let her be alone with your daughter at all if that's an option.

I shrugged that off as it's easy to make mistakes but she seems wary of me and distant upon her return which she doesn't after spending time with anyone else.

Does your DD spend any time regularly overnight with anyone else for a few nights every month?

People assumed your child was in school because you wrote she has ‘school friends’.
It’s shit having a domestic abuser for a father, she’ll need therapy to help with the trauma. Sadly there’s not much you can do when she’s having contact with the abuser, just help her talk and understand her emotions.
Rude to say the people who’ve replied to your thread are gaslighting you.

I agree she shouldn’t be referring to you as anything but mummy when directly addressing your daughter, I bet she does it on purpose. Unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do except say ‘grandma means mummy’ but highlighting that she’s got to you may make it worse. Grey rocking is the best thing to do. Maybe you could alert the school that you feel there is parental alienation taking place and could they report if they have any concerns to their safeguarding lead. Keep a diary of anything you daughter says too.

My mum.

She is always happy to see me and doesn't act differently upon my return. My mum updates me with pictures and messages of what she's been up to.

Whilst at her dads I ask what they do, where they go but I don't really know in all honesty. She seems to be happy playing with her abundance of toys she has there. Lots of which are put away, still in boxes as the grandmother doesn't want them in her house but she is not allowed to take here for some weird reason.

Thank you.

Unfortunately her dad who she has the right to see, lives with his mother.

Rude to say the people who’ve replied to your thread are gaslighting you.

The OP detailed a bunch of obviously pretty emotionally abusive and dodgy things the ex-MIL is going (using suicide threats as emotional manipulation, making up physical abuse allegations) and most of the responses have totally ignored all of that and just focused entirely on the name thing and gone "who cares that she doesn't call you mummy you're overreacting."

So yeah it kinda does feel like gaslighting, or people just not being bothered to read the thread and jumping on the bandwagon.

Obviously OP is struggling to articulate things due to trauma, but come on: if OP had started a thread called "Concerned about abusive ex's mother" and had written "My ex was very abusive and caused me to develop PTSD, his mother claims to love my daughter more than anything but is emotionally abusive, implies suicide if denied access, made up a lie about me hitting my toddler, refers to herself as mummy but not me, and my toddler is visibly distressed for an hour every time she sees my ex-MIL" then the response would be very different.

I don't think people are intentionally gaslighting, but simply aren't reading. This clearly isn't a "you're making a fuss about nothing, just ignore it" situation.

Telling the school is something I'm considering now as they use racial slurs in front of her and have actively made jokes in-front of me that if she said it at nursery then it would be me being called in.

@AcesBaseballbat as the father lives with his parents it would be very difficult to stop the OP's DD having contact with his mother unless the father moves out and has someone else facilitate contact with their DD. (And that would come with it's own problems.)

The Family Courts ignore emotional abuse until it really blows up and other agencies become greatly involved.

BTW it helps that the child goes to nursery as small children tend to tell nursery staff and CM's everything as they have no filter. So if the OP was actually hitting her DD they would know about it.

OP let your DD repeat the racial slurs at the nursery. Don't inform them first.

I agree with the poster who said to tell the nursery that there's an issue with emotional abuse/parental alienation from the ex and his mother.

It's awful that the courts can't act in these cases.

Poor, poor child.

Could you explain the reason behind this? Just as a couple of people have told me to "pre warn" them as such

I completely got what you meant, OP, and yes, it does sound like she’s trying to alienate your DD from you. I understand why you’re concerned.

What I don’t understand is why some people here aren’t getting it. When you’re out with a friend who has small children, do you not refer to your friend as Mummy when talking to the child? If the child asks if it can have some chocolate, you’d say, “I’m not sure. You’ll have to ask Mummy”. You surely wouldn’t say “You’ll have to ask Kate”.

OP, how often does your DD go there and how long does she stay? My ex was trying to do something similar with one of my children - referring to me by my name not Mummy, subtly trying to imply things to my child, lying to them to their face. You have to stand up to it a bit, show you’re strong. Don’t confront them, just be subtle about it, but persistent.

You need to tell nursery also about the racial slurs thing. And ask they keep a close eye on her.

you need to explain properly what they’re doing by calling you by your name they’ve told your dd that you are grandma and she refers to you as grandma when she returns tell people and your gp and nursery that specific thing. Also have pictures of exmil and repeatedly call her by name and grandma to your dd so she is aware who she is.

Your poor dd will be so confused and upset

@Sesbatron peoplw aren’t getting this sorry. It is a huge thing to say “go see Emily” rather then “go see mummy” and of course she’s doing it on purpose if there is more background which it sounds like. You don’t choose which is the straw that breaks the camels back and makes you hyper focus on it and say enough is enough

Some people have pointed out that due to it being a long post it has been misunderstood and there isn't much of an issue in MIL referring to me by my name to my child when in my world and most people I know I would not speak to a 3 year old child and refer to their parent by their name. I'd say mummy or daddy.

I want to also add that this woman was deeply offended that I couldn't bring myself to call her "mum" as it was unnatural for me to call someone who wasn't my mum, mum. And my relationship with my own mum probably hindered that further. I was told by my partner at the time that because they are Asian it is respectful thing to do but I couldn't bring myself to it. I was also expected to call the elders of the family nanny and grandpa which I did despite it feeling a little awkward, I didn't want to let them down completely. The husband in all of this referred to her as "mummy" in fronts of his kids so it just proves to me further that by calling me by my name she's doing it deliberately.

Why?

being on the defensive will make her look bad.

prewarning nursery is far far better

I've sent you PMs.

Honestly, some of these responses are ridiculous. When speaking to a when re freezing to their parent I would always say 'your mum/mummy' no matter their age, anything else is just weird. My MIL always refers to me as mum/mummy when speaking to her grandchildren. The posters saying but she (op) is not her (ex MIL) mum are deliberately being dickish and i wonder how many of them have MIL who refer to them by their first name when speaking to their children? I'm guessing none because it's fucking rude and weird! You have every right to be upset OP!

I know you’re carrying a tremendous guilt and pain about your abortion but I think you were incredibly brave and courageous to take that decision. I’m in awe of your strength in leaving that situation.

I wonder if your dd might benefit from some play therapy. I’ve no idea if that’s something you could have referred through a gp, or not. Maybe other posters would know?

The comment about you hitting is worrying. First, it’s pretty weird that her attitude was so cavalier - she should be concerned but she knows it’s not true. But I instantly wondered if she was laying the groundwork so you would disbelieve your dd if she said that gm hit her.

I would definitely seek out some kind of therapy and I wouldn’t mention it to your ex. If anything concerning comes out, it will help your case.

In the meantime I think it’s very important to avoid being reactive, and to work on being a strong, safe dependable presence for your dd. Don’t put pressure on her when she returns from gm, don’t ask questions or ask for cuddles. Just use statements like “it’s lovely to have you home”. Let her decompress and just meet her at her pace.

Don’t try and react, compete etc with gm. When you wrestle with a pig you both end up filthy. Don’t engage with crazy or you end up playing games and being a bit crazy yourself. How much interaction do you even have to have with these people? Could you collect her from the doorstep? Or have someone collect her while you wait in the car?