My ex MIL calls me by my first name infront of my daughter!

[Sesbatron]

I left an an emotionally abusive relationship last year and it took a long time to fully understand how I was treated when it resulted in me moving out and having extreme panic attacks a few months later, hospital visit and then a diagnosis of C-PTSD. I thought the abuse was always caused by my daughters father, but I lived with the grandmother too whose behaviour to everyone else around her was questionable, yet her obsession and "love" for her granddaughter made it hard to believe she couldn't love her. Everyone was about money, gifts, designer everything. She had to look the best just like she would always say he children did. They had the best and so should she. They would never take her out to the park, to soft play or anywhere. Ignored me when I planned her birthday party with her school friends but claimed to love her more than anything and would make uncomfortable comments that my daughter was the only reason she hadn't ended her life.

My daughter goes to her dads house, where the grandparents still live as it is their home. Every other weekend she goes on a Friday and returns on a Sunday yet on a few occasions she has referred to me by my first name! It happened when I lived with them but then again she did the same with the dad and I somewhat disregarded it as I was in a state of dissociation the majorly of the time, leaving my job on mental health grounds and having an abortion at 13 weeks which I regret and avoid thinking about to this day as it is not something I would personally ever consider but I was emotionally numb and the only time I felt deep sadness was when a nurse scanned me and asked if I wanted to see the baby on the screen and I quickly said no! The pain soon subsided as my partner was texting me telling me to "hurry up" as he was waiting for me. The idea of bringing another child into this world knowing I would be abused for it was terrifying and I genuinely did not think I would be able to leave.

Using my name has gotten more frequent and my ex partner denies it even happens and he never admits blame or wrongdoing on her behalf as I am the bad person. She has always undermined my parenting which led me to believe I was inferior to her and she was the perfect doting grandmother who would sometimes call herself "mummy" accidentally.

Upon my daughters return after we split, on one occasion her grandmother told me that my daughter had said I hit her and she was scared of me. This isn't something she would ever usually say and although I'm aware children can lie I just don't believe that my 2 year old would come out with that. She said it so casually as well as though it wasn't concerning to her a child would say that.

My daughter would always cries and gets very distressed when she would see me upon her return and it would upset me as I'd been told that I was depriving her of a happy life because I left and that my daughter would now suffer as a result. The first hour back at home she wouldn't cuddle me when I would ask and would start to play in silence but come out of her shell after about an hour. I thought the distress was because she loves her grandmother so much, and she rarely asks for her daddy. However, I noticed whenever I pick her up from nursery which she's attended since 2021, her face lights up and she runs up to me for a big hug when I collect her. Last few times however she has been happy to see me when collecting her from her dad and grandma but there's also been a huge decline in texts asking how she is. I hear nothing for two weeks between getting her back and her going there again.

I am worried they're trying to alienate her against me and how that'll play out in the future. I need to protect my daughter but where do I start? Setting firm boundaries is obviously a start but do I look for external help? It's very hard to speak to them without being verbally abused by my ex.

It’s basically another one of those MIL that want to be referred to as the mummy in order to alienate the child’s real mother from the DC. In ops post it does say that MIL occasionally refers to herself as mummy in front of DD instead of DGM.

People are fixating on the name issue as this is from the title what this post is about. But yes obviously there are other issues here.

I am concerned though that the OP considers people disagreeing with her to be gaslighting. People are allowed to not be concerned about this, it's not abusive behaviour to disagree with her on this (true gaslighting would be abusive).

I assumed that the Ops child was school age because she was talking about school friends for her birthday party. It turns out she was one at the time of this discussion, so not school friends but toddlers she attends nursery with (1yo don't really have friends). Anyway, kind of besides the point really.

Yes it's an odd way to refer to someone's mum as their name, but my children knew my name before they were 3, and used it occasionally. I'd much prefer to hear a child like my 4yo who would introduce me to people by my name, and then say that I'm her mummy, than a kid who truly thinks my name is mummy.

It’s in the context. When speaking to a small child, you don’t refer to its mother by name - you’d said mummy or your mummy. She’s doing it to undermine the mother’s position as mother.

I think it’s sly but agree that it’s small fry compared to the rest.

It’s petty but I’d stop calling her grandma and him Dad. You’re seeing Anne (Nan) and Brian (Dad) on Monday etc.

oh lovely did you do a picture of you and Anne? Oh and there’s Brian! Etc

seeing as no one else in the thread seems to think it’s a problem when they do it to you, then this method should be all good.

People are fixating on the name issue as this is from the title what this post is about.

People shouldn't post if they can't be bothered reading the whole OP post. Could the OP have been worded better? Yes, but you do have the option to not read and reply to a thread, if reading comprehension isn't your strong point.

This forum can often be very cruel, and Mumsnet unfortunately does have a history of posters coming here because they take glee in taking strangers down a peg or two. AIBU pretty much exists because people enjoy a good bunfight. But this isn't AIBU, it's Divorce, where you'd expect at least a smidge of compassion or understanding when it comes to threads about abuse.

I am concerned though that the OP considers people disagreeing with her to be gaslighting. People are allowed to not be concerned about this, it's not abusive behaviour to disagree with her on this (true gaslighting would be abusive).

Well no - the OP described a whole bunch of really worrying abusive stuff, and was belittled and told to ignore it by people who couldn't be bothered to read.

The complete lack of empathy for an obviously deeply traumatised abuse survivor concerned about her toddler being abused is the only "concerning" thing here.

Whilst at her dads I ask what they do, where they go but I don't really know in all honesty.

That's what happens when you split. You have no right up find out what goes on in each others homes.

Your DD should be allowed, without negative comment, to say what happens to either parent in the others home.

This is one of the reasons you want your DD to speak freely at nursery or school as they are neutral.

She seems to be happy playing with her abundance of toys she has there. Lots of which are put away, still in boxes as the grandmother doesn't want them in her house but she is not allowed to take here for some weird reason.

The grandmother is doesn't want you to have them for various reasons. While some of which may be valid, it could simply be because she views stuff that grandmother's family give to your child as theirs. Who knows?

Also if your DD has toys at yours then she doesn't need the extra.

This is an example where getting some counselling for yourself so you start learning to ignore their batshit would help you.

Having her use your name is the least of your worries.
It sounds like a lot of bad mouthing and lies are going on in MIL house when your Dd is there. Parental alienation? I think I'd want to talk to a solicitor about how she is behaving on return and see if anything can be done. Maybe have someone at school (councillor) chat with her to see if they can figure out what goes on.

Sounds OK to me. Presumably your daughter knows you have a name.

I'm glad I posted because memories if certain things are coming back.

My daughter tells people at nursery she has a cat (we don't have a cat) but she loves cats and we have one that regularly hangs around the flat which we love and I told her when we get a house maybe we will be able to get a cat one day.

She has a dog at her dads house which she never speaks about and he's a German shepherd which I had previous concerns about but they've repeatedly ensured me that she's safe from this dog. However, one time she did say that the dog bit her and her grandma denied it and said he's allowed no where near her and she's making it up.

Those who are advising posters of gaslighting, being dickish and not reading the OP about the trauma...

... did you also read the bit where it says exMIL has done the same with the dad??

Even if the MIL is doing it maliciously and just with the OP it's still unlikely to be harmful. My DC have called me Nursery/teachers' names and vice versa. They come home from a week at my parents' and call me Nanna because it's just what your brain does.

There's even research to say that the reason this happens is because your brain groups "people I love" together and so you can even end up calling your children NY the pet's name, for example.

Not trying to say that the MIL is not deliberately trying to cause trouble, she probably is. But
A) it's unlikely to actually accomplish anything because your DD spends enough time with you to know perfectly well that you're Mummy
B) mixing up names is the kind of thing that is very very likely to happen regardless of any outside input.

Lots of sympathy to you OP because they're clearly not nice people and it's shit that you have to still be involved with them. But, still, with all the kindness, this is something that it's probably better to let go, IMO.

Sorry missed your latest post that the dog bit your DD, had obviously had this page open for a while without refreshing! Now THAT I would definitely be focusing on more than the name thing.

I'm not really bothered in the fact that I want those toys but this specific occasion there was a gift from someone she doesn't particularly talk highly of - a little kids Dyson hoover that actually sucked up stuff which I thought was cute. When she opened it her grandma said that she can't use it there because of the dog and it'll be sucking up dog hair, to which I thought fair enough makes sense so i said she could just bring it home with her to me, to which she ignored and said she'd just keep it in the box and put it on top of the wardrobe - and from gifts we've bought her she'd never worn or used and they get hidden away.

Yeah I see what you mean on your previous reply. I definitely look more into things I'd possibly brush off because they're not likely to cause any damage in reality.

However, I guess when there's that issue with the dog and she outright denies it when my DD tells me at drop off, infront if her and her dad! I'm not 100% sure whether the comment about being scared of me and that I hit her came after but I have a feeling it was and I've been completely blindsided into believing that she'd never risk my daughter so I brushed it off stupidly, and I must have focused more on the prospect of them thinking I'd hurt my child. She fell in their garden once and she called me up to tell me and made a point she wasn't there and it was her dad with her in the garden. I then asked if he saw her fall and where she hit her head (apparently) and she asked her dad who said he did not see and she just repeated what he said to me and that was that.

To think there's a possibility this would have been a awful lie said in front of my DD to cover up something that actually happened in her care and I may never know. Even her dad who was sitting in the drivers seat said nothing (he sat there silent and didn't even seem concerned I could possibly hurt his child and he usually loves an opportunity to challenge me and find ways to argue.

Not sure what to believe or whether I'm looking to deep into it but I guess when I'm posting here and I'm listening to what people say I just happen to link things together I didn't notice before.

Well if it reassures you at all about the dog bite, if there's no mark then it was presumably very minor. I'm guessing there isn't as you haven't mentioned? So may have been more of an accidental scrape than a deliberate (on the dog's part) bite.

You could ask your ex / his mum to confirm that your DD is never left alone with the dog, that might be a way to tackle this.

tbh though OP I would suggest starting a new thread in relationships focusing on the other issues you are mentioning, because this one is likely to stay focused on your original title, whereas you'll probably get better advice on a new one.

Fair point. I was more emotional when writing this and it didn't come out as well as expected and I rushed it. Thanks :)

Don't worry about the name thing.

You're going to have plenty of work figuring out the rest. It sounds toxic but don't underestimate your child - She will not be alienated from you, despite their efforts. Get help and support and move forward with your child. You can do this 💪

Why on earth is that an issue?

So she's trying to distance you from your daughter by using you first name rather than refer to you as 'mummy'? Reducing you to someone insignificant and paving the way for her to step in as your DD's 'special person' - or at least that's how it read to me, @Sesbatron ?

I think you are making your life unnecessarily hard worrying about things you cannot control. You can’t change everything that happens when your daughter is in her Dads care. You need to appear reasonable ( it’s almost a manipulation tactic, never show how stressed you are) and pick your battles.

My MIL used to call me by my name in the same way that the OPs ex-MIL is and this is exactly what I did (because I can be petty!). MIL soon stopped doing it to me. So this is actually good advice.