Hello ladies, I could have written this myself. I am newly divorced from the father of my two children, together 15 years, married for 13 of those. I felt exactly the same. Wonderful man, loving, caring and supportive. Great dad also, but I was bored out of my mind. I started to fear and dread getting old with him and the kids flying the nest. What on earth would we talk about? We used to talk about all the freedom we would have when the kids got older and what we would do, and by beginning of last year I started to fear it. I felt numb, empty. But I also felt horribly guilty. For a couple of years I did also have some therapy to try and understand why this perfect man was not enough for me. Why I couldn't be happy to have a man that other women hope and pray for. The truth is - we were just friends. We were a great team and the love and respect I had for him was as a friend.
It got to a point where one day the anxiety of my own thoughts forced me to call it quits. We have actually had a very amicable separation, we are still good friends and we still have a laugh. We chat about the kids and our relationships etc and other than the fact we aren't intimate and don't share a home anymore nothing has changed in terms of how we get along. That being said the first 9 months of my separation in terms of guilt has been awful. I have shed more tears through guilt than anything else. Because I have tortured myself with him being sat on his own in his flat, eating dinner alone etc and its hurt me deeply to imagine his life like that. He is now in a really lovely committed relationship and honestly... that guilt has completely eased. It has all but gone. He's happy, he's in love again and he's living the life I probably had stopped him from living. (My mental health really did interfere with us living our best lives!) He would tell you also, although it was very difficult for him accepting the time had come it was also the kindest thing I could have done and we both get a chance at loving and being loved the way we deserve.
I met somebody else very quickly, and almost a year into my new relationship, I am deeply in love, happy, excited, everyday I am excited to see what the day brings and what the future holds for us. That void I had felt for years lifted and I am feeling all the feels (interestingly and a story for a different time.... a psychic told me a week before I even knew my current OH existed his name and that we would be incredibly close... for context it wasn't until we had officially been together 2 months I realised she had told me his name.... his name actually sounds like a female name so I assumed she meant a friend I'd make! So I think I did know on some level setting us both free was the right thing to do!) Meeting this man has actually only reinforced that I found a safe haven in a safe person many years ago and I had not experienced the love, lust and longing a genuine connection brings. A year into my new relationship we still spend at least 3 nights a week awake until the early hours talking about the meaning of life, we prioritise dates once a week, I cant stand to be away from him. We cry over sad songs and films together, we stupid sing while we cook together and we have very similar interests. My ex was wonderful as I have said but we had a huge gap in emotional intelligence and his ability to communicate his own thoughts and feelings was zero. Not because he's a man but because he just didn't ever really have thoughts (his words) I have thought more times than I can remember, wow this is what people talk about?! How am I 36 and only experiencing these things for the first time in my life!!
My advice would be if you do decide to separate - make it final. No matter how emotionally difficult you find it.... stick to it. Journal. Journal about all the things you are thinking and feeling especially the emotions you don't understand or recognise. This has been a huge part of my healing. Its a journey of self discovery and its learning to accept the mistakes we have made, the pain we might have caused to others and ourselves. Boundaries in them early days are really important.
Just because separation is right - doesn't mean it will be easy. (Sorry for the life story!)