How do you deal with the guilt of falling out of love with your husband

[Girlmum30]

hi
haven’t posted on here before. But just looking for some advice (maybe reassurance) from someone who’s been in a similar situation.

I’ve been with my husband 11 years, only married 1. We have a 6 and 3 year old.
he’s a great guy! The best dad, so hard working, kind and honestly I don’t know what wrong with me! But I have fallen out of love. When we’re all together it’s fine, when we’re with groups of people it’s fine. But one to one I’m just so so bored! I enjoy going out with my friends and so does he. I work in a pub and love it and feel completely myself. But I just feel like I live with my best mate, there is no spark anymore. We are having marriage counselling because he knows how I feel.
I feel sick to my stomach that I don’t feel the same about him as he does me. But I just feel I’m to young to live like this.
how do you ever deal with the guilt of being the reason it might not work out.
thank you if you got this far.

Thank you @Girlmum30

And just like your H, mine just buried his head in the sand. He’d just happily carry on this way for the rest of our lives. He knew I wasn’t happy, but because I was still there, he thought I’m tolerating and accepting it. Meanwhile, I was dying on the inside, longing to feel like a woman, a lover, not a good friend. He’s not a bad person, or even a partner by any means, but the dynamic in our relationship just wasn’t what I wanted.

I understand it’s impossible to be passionately in love with someone 24/7, but I know couples who’ve been together much longer and they’ve still got ‘it’. The chemistry, the spark. Hearing them getting excited about going away & spending time with their partners made me realised it’s something I want too.

I’m okay, obviously sad and there’s some guilt. I know H is hurting, but we both started talking about the practicalities of moving out. There’s much less drama than I anticipated. And guess what, the world is still turning, life goes on. I got up and went to work as usual.

I’m hopeful about the future. I’m most self-aware of what I’m looking for in a partner than I’ve ever been in my life. But I also want to focus on building a career to be independent and stand on my own, so I’m never stuck again and have the option of leaving a situation that doesn’t work.

I’ll keep you posted as much as possible about how the next few weeks and months go.

Good luck ladies, I hope you find the right moment to decide what you want and follow
through. 💐

Oh goodness am I glad to find this thread - things have not been good with my husband the last few years - have tried loads of things including counselling- but when it comes down to it I just don't want to be with him any more - I like him, we can have a laugh and work as parents we'll but it's not in any way of a romantic relationship

@SouthernBelle86 thank you for that. I no longer feel quite the same because my H did some stupid disloyal things that upset me hugely and7 years on I do care but it kind of killed that 'specialness' . I'm 61 now and very undecided still but in my heart I do feel it's unfair on him that I'm no longer physically interested as he's got a lot going for him. In my case though I think I would end up on my own and that's what I'm not sure about.

Just going through this with my LTP, the guilt and regret is overwhelming some days. It would be so easy to just go back and get along, but it's what he wants not what I want.
The passion went for me a while ago, he's negative about so many things and the love I had for him is just not the same any more.

I left about 3 months ago, we were trial separated and only told him it was definitely over a week ago. I should have done it much sooner but I gave him hope and I think it's hurt him more. It's so hard when they actually haven't been a bastard to you, you're the bad guy and it's tough. The guilt will sit with me for a long while yet I think, but don't let it get in the way of getting what you need and want out of the marriage (financially mostly)

Thank you for this thread OP. I'm desperately unhappy in my marriage of 5 years (together 8), no kids together but I have DS14. The only thing stopping me from separating is the thought of losing half my pension to him - which is an awful reason, but it is what it is. I want to protect my son's inheritance.

Then divorce him, it's not that difficult!

@Parky04 are you divorced and do you have kids, also maybe read the thread?

@Mum2Fergus I'd take some legal advice but I can't imagine in a short marriage you would automatically have to give him half your pension- has anyone taken legal advice btw

@Sinead4ever thank you. Only research I've done has been online if I'm honest, seeking formal advice is a step in making it 'real' in my head - a step that needs to be taken to be fair.

I've had conversation with H on previous occasion...as seems to be the norm, things improved but didn't last. Challenge is, he's a genuinely lovely guy and a good husband, just not for me - and I 100% accept that it is me who has changed.

@Mum2Fergus yes v similar to me - things improve for a bit then go back to normal- it's really sad we have been through a lot but I am done! I did have a v useful chat with a divorce lawyer a while ago which got the lay of the land - my take is for your highly recommend going now while you still have a dependant child as much is needs based

Also the link pinned at the top of this section is super useful https://www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/separation-divorce-and-dissolution-civil-partnerships

For those of you who have been through this, how did you know it wasn't just a rough patch or a dry spell? How did you know deep down it was time to call it a day?

I'm so scared to go it alone and dp's mum died a few months ago, he has nobody to help him through a separation and I'm not sure if I could do it to him😔.

I don't think either of us could really afford to run a home alone either.

My feeling is you walk away from these kind men when you’re still young enough to prioritise excitement and then look back in a decades time and see another woman living your life and mothering your children. It’s going to hurt if you haven’t met someone who was worth blowing your family apart for.

I can't imagine myself with anyone else, I'm not chasing excitement. I just feel like the love has gone from my own relationship, we're basically flatmates that have less and less in common as weeks go by. I don't want to 'blow my family apart' but I also don't want to waste years on something that's perhaps not working.

I am older in early 50's and my kids are older 13 and 17 - I know because we have had rough patches before and it felt different and I genuinely don't want 30 more years of thisn- which is a bit of a half life and for various reasons bad for my mental health - that said if your havnt tried relationship counselling i would -do it - at least because if you do split up people will ask if you have tried it - fwiw it clarified for me just how many problems we have ! And how intractable they feel

I just need to follow my heart. That’s the only guarantee I won’t regret my choices, even if the future don’t turn out the way I want.

What I will regret not doing something out of fear of the unknown. I can say with almost 100% certainty I would regret that.

I’m can’t stay with someone I’m not romantically attracted to. I don’t fancy sex
with him anymore (after years of rejection), not to mention having children together.

Grass might not be greener, but I’m just not happy with the state of it on my side and that’s good enough reason for me.

How is everyone getting on? I am starting counselling this week to see if there's a deeper reason I am unhappy.

@howto0 also starting counselling this week but have a lot going on So it more for support

I decided whilst doing general life reset, I might as well tackle one of my biggest issues - emotional and binge eating.

I'm listening to an audiobook ’When food is comfort’, it’s very good. So if anyone is struggling with the same, I highly recommend it. I’ve not used food as a coping mechanism in over a week 💪

Similar situation to me

@Passe sorry to hear that

Haven’t posted for abit. It’s been hard. We’ve had many conversations confirming our separation and the idea of co parenting the girls. And seeing what we could afford living wise! The conversation are actually quite good. We don’t argue we do cry! I’m so so sure I don’t love him. It’s so so awful and I still feel so guilty but I’m feeling more and more like I need this for me! The limbo is torture. He’s working Friday night and the girls are going to my dads and he’s asking me what I’m going to do and it just puts my teeth on edge! If I do anything he really really questions me. We have spent months not really seeing eachother (ships in the night) which has been one of our problems. Nothing has changed but now he says things like “are we both home tomorrow I haven’t seen you all week” and it’s just confusing, and the other night he asked if we could have sex! I know he’s just trying to hold on and not admit it’s happening but I really just want to press a button and skip what’s going to be for the next 6 months. I’ve been honest, I haven’t given him any hope I mainly just talk about the girls and work but he seems to slip back into our normal life unless I’m sat on the sofa crying explaining to him how I feel.we haven’t yet told our daughters (3+6) because he’s still living here and we don’t want it to be confusing. But moneys really tight this time of year work wise I’m just SOOOOO STRESSED!

no reason for this message. Just know I have a lot his like minded women on this thread and it’s been really helpful reading.

thank you for all the messages.

@Girlmum30 that sounds really tough - you said in your OP you were having relatuonship counselling - do you discuss the separation there?

Aw bless you @Girlmum30

That’s more or less where we’re. We had one last conversation earlier this week as to ‘why’, and H finally understood my reasons (to the best of his ability at the moment) and that there’s no going back.

Moving out is the next step, but for now there’s no pressure. We just slowly start informing wider family & friends. everyone has been really supportive.

Good luck OP, once you start discussing the practicalities, it should sink in.

@Sinead4ever hey yeah we did the counselling but haven’t gone back since admitting we should separate because it’s so much money and actually I’m not how that will help! There isn’t any going back for me.