How do you deal with the guilt of falling out of love with your husband

[Girlmum30]

hi
haven’t posted on here before. But just looking for some advice (maybe reassurance) from someone who’s been in a similar situation.

I’ve been with my husband 11 years, only married 1. We have a 6 and 3 year old.
he’s a great guy! The best dad, so hard working, kind and honestly I don’t know what wrong with me! But I have fallen out of love. When we’re all together it’s fine, when we’re with groups of people it’s fine. But one to one I’m just so so bored! I enjoy going out with my friends and so does he. I work in a pub and love it and feel completely myself. But I just feel like I live with my best mate, there is no spark anymore. We are having marriage counselling because he knows how I feel.
I feel sick to my stomach that I don’t feel the same about him as he does me. But I just feel I’m to young to live like this.
how do you ever deal with the guilt of being the reason it might not work out.
thank you if you got this far.

@TroubledOne88 glad to hear you have support! My friends and dad have been amazing. But my mum unfortunately is being awful!! She’s always had trouble “siding” with me with most things in life but this is really pushing it for me! She’s being very supportive to my husband which is nice because he doesn’t have a very loving mum or family where we live, luckily he has a few great mates. But my mums not spoke to me about the situation for mums. She is awkward when she comes in to see the the girls hasn’t asked how I am. Talks badly about me to my friends (saying I’m being a stupid idiot and worse)
this week I thought I’d give her a chance as she’s usually regularly had my girls for sleepovers (they are close to her) so I said would she like them this friends. Her reply
“yes that would nice, as long as your not using it to go out on your jolly’s by yourself”

i work in a pub and enjoy meeting friends and she seems to think I shouldn’t be doing that! (Obviously I’m with my children 24/7 which is brilliant but at this very stressful time I need that adult time)

i ended up just texting back. Don’t worry about having the girls.
im just at the point where I can’t deal with her unsupportive negativity right now.

Ah mums! My mum was telling me for years my ex hubby wasn’t right for me, I eventually left for good and suddenly she’s not in my corner. She will eventually come round like mine did - it took her seeing me thriving and happy to realise she was also coming from a place of guilt aswell towards my ex husband. She liked him, loved him even but knew he wasn’t right for me anymore. I know on top of everything else right now it’s hard to have patience with her.

my dads been the same if im honest. Still tells my ex im a d*ck. been with my new partner almost a year and he’s barely acknowledged him. I have been able to say to my dad though regardless of who ended the relationship I am still your daughter and I would have appreciated your support. Even if all that was, was you asking me how im doing because contrary to popular belief leaving doesn’t mean skipping off into the sunset! Xx

Oh I’m sorry to hear that @Girlmum30

I don’t know your mum (obviously), but it almost sounds to me she’s jealous of you making that choice and putting yourself first? And, god forbid, you dare to enjoy yourself instead of being a miserable martyr. Like she’s projecting her unhappiness on you

I wish you all the strength💐Feel free to drop me a message if you need to vent😌

Replying now so I can come back to this later with a much longer response which I hope won’t hijack.

I am so relieved to have come across this thread and to know I’m not alone in this, so many of your posts I could have written or have resonated with me. It is so so hard but I have sat with this feeling for such a long time now, changed jobs, started studying for a degree, been to counselling etc as I wanted to be as sure as I could that it’s nothing else but it still comes back to the same thing.

Hard times ahead but I really hope I get to where SouthernBelle86 is, this is what I’m hoping for! But if it doesn’t, I don’t see how I can regret ending and freeing us both from something that is just not working anymore.

I havnt told my mum (she isn't great in a crisis and tbf has had a lot of deal with recently) but I am sure she has noticed things are not great between me and my husband. I have mentioned it to some friends and they are 'don't rush things, grass isn't always greener' . Most are married and some how don't want me to rock the boat. Did try and discuss things with DH by mentioning his dad and stepmums relatively amicable split - was a while ago by she was about my age. DH changed the subject.

I know this is a couple of months old but @Girlmum30 and others- I wondered how you were doing? I’m in the same position and found your thread through search. Would be lovely to hear from those a couple of months further along than me in this difficult journey.

So I moved out just last week. It’s not easy, it’s not like I’m instantly happier all of the sudden. First few days were really difficult actually. Loss of stability, house you’ve both built together, feeling like I’ve taken major step back life wise. We agreed to officially file for divorce when the dust settles a bit.

Luckily, we managed to remain friendly so far.

I’m trying to focus on that it’s best for both of us long term, and that I’ll find someone who I’m more compatible with.

I feel a lot like many of the posts on here with my wife. I’ve just fallen out of love with her, we get on fairly well still (although I’ve withdrawn a lot), she’s a good mum etc but there’s just nothing there. I’m bored and I dread what life might look like in the future, especially once the kids leave. Our interests have diverged and we have little to nothing in common. We’ve had some issues recently and have had various chats about our relationship. I’ve been too scared to being entirely honest, although I think she can tell that. I don’t feel myself around her and whilst I think we’ve both been trying it doesn’t feel real if that makes sense (my happiest times recently have been just me and the kids or with friends, which can’t be good)? I just dread the impact of taking apart a life that’s been built, especially the impact on the kids. Am I being selfish by doing that to them, I don’t know and I can’t get my head around it. I feel like I need someone to talk to but I’ve no idea who that person is.

I know what you mean about the dread of the impact of taking apart a joint life, especially on the kids. It seems like a whole heap of pain and disruption just because "living together is a bit sad and a bit boring".

That’s my problem, am I going to mess up the kids by ending my marriage? I don’t know and there’s only one way to know. I’ve never really had any friends, or at least close ones, where their parents have split up so I’ve never really seen the effect. I suppose the flip side is does growing up in a home where your parents are sad and bored damage them too? It’s so hard not to feel selfish in this position.

Hi all due to a number of life things i have kind of held off from making any decesions right now - i do think if you can navigate the coparenting and the kids dont get too disrupted then its not going to do them more harm than living with 2 parents who dont get on

I've just been recommended this thread as I was looking for advice/understanding from people who had walked away from a husband who had done nothing wrong.

So much resonates, I could have written whole paragraphs word for word. It's reassuring to see I'm not the only one trying to reconcile something I feel is necessary for me to be true to myself and the pain and guilt I feel ripping apart the lives of the three people I love most in the world: dh and my two dc.

If anyone is still following I'd be interested to hear how you're doing now. How your children are coping (mine are 18 and 20) and any advice you have.

And to those of you still in your thirties: don't wait until you're 50.

So much resonates with me too. It is so difficult to press the destruct button (I have dc so really concerned about how it would impact them). I am finding it so difficult to reconcile but it can't go on this way (or if it does it will be enduring misery in the long term). I feel so very guilty. There have been a number of things over the years that have helped to demolish the love I have felt but it is only now I am older that I am finding it intolerable.

I am at an age where I am perimenopausal. I have been for a number of years and blamed this as the reason for my change in feelings. However, it has been going on a long time now, I no longer think I can attribute it to the peri. alone, though I have put of making any drastic decisions.

It took me a while to get married, it is taking a while to get out of it. I am not ready yet but working towards it. More therapy to follow shortly. I'm trying to improve my life in other ways but this obstacle feels unmoveable and is like a huge weight on my shoulders.

Sorry to hear others are going through this but it is also a comfort.

@Victoriaplum473643 very much agree with all of this

I am in a similar situation but much further down the line. I have been together 20 yrs, married 15, three kids, 13, 12 and 9. I am you, 15 years down the line! I told my husband I didn't love him before Christmas. We are at Relate but its not great. I have been recommended (on here) that I have individual relationship counselling, I really need to talk through why I feel the way I do. He has some good qualities (good father, great provider) but has been largely very unaffectionate, uncompromising and a bit like an angry hornet. Its difficult to say how things will work out. However, if you continue to not love him eventually you will fall for someone else. Speaking from experience, this may happen several times over the years. Don't get fobbed off, your feelings are valid and whilst it's important to get couples counselling it may not point you to actually being in love again. I would recommend talking to someone in confidence about all your issues and helping you come to the right conclusion.

@Victoriaplum473643 @Womblemom , I've followed your post as I'm in a similar situation. Someone on here recommended this book to me, that I've read and also recommended to someone else. It talks about having different life goals and gives an example of one wanting to live somewhere different etc, and also on 'love' and disconnect, such as not wanting be be physically connected and not only sex, but simple things, like touch, hand holding etc, and kids to consider, and all sorts of isssues, running through them in a set of questions to ask yourself, with examples and details to consider. I found the book very helpful, but do plan to re read it giving each question deeper thought. I hope it helps me to make a considered and firm decesion for myself.

'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' by Mira Kirschenbaum.

I walked away from my husband after 23 years. I waited far too long to accept that we were nothing more than friends. He hadn't done anything wrong. However, we lived in a sexless marriage with zero affection. Ten years between us which didn't help. I hadn't really had a boyfriend before meeting him. I'd been treated badly by one man, at 19, and I suppose set me off on the wrong foot.

I knew in my 30's I'd made a mistake. I couldn't go near him (he was very boring in that department anyway and the sexual chemistry just didn't exist, even though we enjoyed days out and holidays together). There was a void in my life - one which reared its head as I hit menopause. I'm almost 52 now but knew my marriage was over at 45. I ended it at 48. Tough, tough decision.

Menopause made me go a bit crazy and I walked away from my career too (although back now). I also got involved with another man, who is still in my life today but married (we remain friends), and was stupid in what happened but I started to realise that I'd married the wrong person. I'm alone now (apart from living with my younger child, elder one at university) and have struggled to find anyone else. Tried OLD but hate it and deleted my accounts. Feelings remain for another man, that is miles away and I can't have and I regret that I didn't listen to my feelings until I was well into my 40's!!!!

Long, sexless marriage. No affection. I feel like a nun. May as well be one!

Long, sexless marriage. No affection. I feel like a nun. May as well be one!

Snap @WanderingTheHills 😒

It’s really depressing 😞.