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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

ExH and teen not sticking to contact schedule

59 replies

Coffeedrinker7 · 23/07/2023 13:40

Don’t really know how to handle this…

We have 2 DC age 13 and 15, divorced 10 years. ExH has always been your stereotypical Disney dad- had the kids EOW from the start, lots of money spent on them, not many boundaries. About a year ago he moved back to the town we live in as his relationship broke down, he’s bought a big house, is spending a fortune on DCs’ bedrooms. He suddenly wants them a lot more.

He has said multiple times we should just let the DC choose where they want to be. Every time we try a schedule he doesn’t stick to it, particularly with 15yo. I get a message from her saying ‘actually I’m staying at dad’s til Thursday now’ Or I find her at the bottom of the stairs with her bag packed saying ‘oh dad’s coming to pick me up’ when I had no idea.

I strongly suspect, from things the DC have said, that he is manipulating them- asking them to stay longer, calling them to go out and do something with him when it’s ‘my’ weekend etc. He is also much more lax with curfews etc and lets 15yo DD stay out til midnight. If I say anything he gets mad and says I can’t comment on his ‘parenting style’.

I feel like if I lay down the law and say to the DC that they have to stay with me becomes it’s ‘my’ weekend then they will just resent me. But I don’t want them to think I don’t care- he is showering them with money and gifts at the moment and I can’t compete. People say ‘oh they will see him for what he is’ but they don’t. Yet again I am the boring one while he gets to be fun dad. Most of all I just really miss them.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 23/07/2023 13:48

DD makes her own contact arrangements with her dad (although crucially doesn't sleep over) I put anything concrete I want to do ie family events, theatre trips, in our goggle calendars and she knows that she can't plan time with him then and that I like some notice before she does anything out of the ordinary and this applies to plans she makes with her dad and her friends and again she put those plans on goggle calendar and shares them with me.

I think it sounds like you need to put in some ground rules, so you get 24 hour notice before plans change and tell both Ex and the DC, actually plan some things to do with them and get it scheduled in, even if it's only a movie and boardgames night. They probably don't feel like they are doing anything wrong if it's just a normal, mooching around the house day.

It'll take a while for a new routine to embed itself but communicate your feelings in a matter of fact way to your DC is OK.

Lefteyetwitch · 23/07/2023 13:53

At her age they are right. She can decide where to go and who she lives with.
It may be that you do end up NRP.

Original poster
Coffeedrinker7 · 23/07/2023 13:58

@Lefteyetwitch So you think that at (just) 15 she can go back and forth as she pleases without telling me? With no schedule at all- so I don’t know if she’s going to turn up for dinner or if I can make plans for en evening out next weekend?

OP posts:
MaxwellCat · 23/07/2023 14:03

I think that's normal at that age tbh

titchy · 23/07/2023 14:03

Look if it went to court they'd say she was free to choose who she saw and for how often, so yes she can and should be able to go back and forth freely.

Your problem is the 'without notice' bit. Focus on that.

gogomoto · 23/07/2023 14:05

At 15 she should be able to stay at whichever house she wants, however she needs to let you know for food purposes if she needs feeding and you need to let her know when she needs to be home for events etc. if you need her to be out overnight because you have plans you need to tell them! Family Wall or a similar app are useful. Ours all could come and go from the start as were teens, I expect at least 24 notice if resident for meals (less you make your own food!)

Lefteyetwitch · 23/07/2023 14:05

Coffeedrinker7 · 23/07/2023 13:58

@Lefteyetwitch So you think that at (just) 15 she can go back and forth as she pleases without telling me? With no schedule at all- so I don’t know if she’s going to turn up for dinner or if I can make plans for en evening out next weekend?

Practically speaking course see children this age as voting with their feet.
So parenting wise you can parent her how you see fit. Set rules etc.

But you can't stop her setting her own schedule.
Have you put forward the her Dad that he becom RP?

MaxwellCat · 23/07/2023 14:08

She's 15 can't you go out anyway not like she needs a sitter and at 15 my mum would tell me to cook my own dinner (stick something in the over or air fryer now a days!)

WilkinsonM · 23/07/2023 14:14

Coffeedrinker7 · 23/07/2023 13:58

@Lefteyetwitch So you think that at (just) 15 she can go back and forth as she pleases without telling me? With no schedule at all- so I don’t know if she’s going to turn up for dinner or if I can make plans for en evening out next weekend?

Yes and no.
She should let you know her plans and let you know if she doesn't need dinner etc but yes also she should be at liberty to choose which parent she stays with.
Your kids aren't responsible for the fact they have two homes so they should be able to decide how much time they spend in each one IMO.

Original poster
Coffeedrinker7 · 23/07/2023 14:24

So the fact that she’s staying because he’s guilt tripping her into it doesn’t matter at all?
Or making plans for a night that he knows she was scheduled to come back to me - so she says ‘oh I’m staying at dad’s now because he said we can do XYZ’’. Or that he lets her stay out until midnight, doesn’t enforce homework, has let her have days off school because she’s ‘tired’- I should just roll over and allow all that to happen?

OP posts:
Lefteyetwitch · 23/07/2023 14:26

Coffeedrinker7 · 23/07/2023 14:24

So the fact that she’s staying because he’s guilt tripping her into it doesn’t matter at all?
Or making plans for a night that he knows she was scheduled to come back to me - so she says ‘oh I’m staying at dad’s now because he said we can do XYZ’’. Or that he lets her stay out until midnight, doesn’t enforce homework, has let her have days off school because she’s ‘tired’- I should just roll over and allow all that to happen?

You have no power there yes.
It's shit. I'm not denying that.
But he can parent how he sees fit.
Unless you can prove tangible and immediate danger you've got nothing.

She is choosing him over you. That's completely her choice. There is no longer his weekend your weekend. That's over.

Devilsmommy · 23/07/2023 14:29

No you shouldn't. You need a strong word with ex and a talk with DD about what you expect. Don't worry, he's obv trying a power play so throwing money around and that but he'll soon change his mind when an actual problem arises. Sorry it's not much but I hope you sort it out

Lefteyetwitch · 23/07/2023 14:31

Devilsmommy · 23/07/2023 14:29

No you shouldn't. You need a strong word with ex and a talk with DD about what you expect. Don't worry, he's obv trying a power play so throwing money around and that but he'll soon change his mind when an actual problem arises. Sorry it's not much but I hope you sort it out

What strong word?
She can't dictate to either of them.
It is a power play. And right now he has the power.
If OP comes on to strong she will likely become NRP very fast. And then have even less contact/say.

booboo82 · 23/07/2023 14:32

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Devilsmommy · 23/07/2023 14:34

I didn't mean anything like arguing, just that something needs to be said and witnessed by someone else actually incase of any arguments. I honestly didn't mean to say so something to cause no contact op

Doyoumind · 23/07/2023 14:35

I disagree with the other posters. I can see why you're upset OP. You've done all the hard work for 10 years and now he comes along and offers things you can't, and you miss out on time with them. It isn't fair and it does sound like manipulation to me, but I have a manipulative ex so see things through that lens.

I don't agree that she should just come and go as she pleases. Your DD isn't being respectful, and neither is your ex. She needs to have some boundaries at that age and I would be worried if she was mine and allowed to go out late or do whatever she wants when shes with her dad.

I don't have the answer though. It's really hard to deal with teenagers and with manipulative exes. Are there things you can plan in with her that you know she would enjoy and wouldn't want to miss out on?

Lefteyetwitch · 23/07/2023 14:35

Devilsmommy · 23/07/2023 14:34

I didn't mean anything like arguing, just that something needs to be said and witnessed by someone else actually incase of any arguments. I honestly didn't mean to say so something to cause no contact op

I didn't think you meant arguing. Just there is likely very little OP can say at all that she hasn't already tried.

greenspaces4peace · 23/07/2023 14:39

I think this is typical of all (albeit) 3 families I know who are divorced with teens.
Yes all 3 I know of end up with the teens choosing ad lib where and when they come and go.

CovertImage · 23/07/2023 14:39

This reply has been withdrawn

Message removed - quotes a deleted post.

Tiredjoanna · 23/07/2023 14:39

Lefteyewitch, it's just a crap situation all round, wish I could offer advice but it's one of those things where there isn't a magic solution. Sorry op

Miajk · 23/07/2023 14:41

My parents got divorced when I was in my early teens.

Forcing a child to a rigid schedule to see each parent is bonkers unless it's very much necessary.

Let her decide. It sounds like she had less contact/time with dad before. She's a teen, of course she also wants to do whatever is more fun!

You have an exDH issue so leave DD out of it. Be there for here when she needs it, but let her have some autonomy and decide what kind of relationship she wants to have with her dad.

I know it's not very nice for you, but it's not her fault her parents aren't together and she's being put in this situation.

IOnlycreatedaccountforthispost · 23/07/2023 14:47

I agree with the majority of the posters. It is shitty for you (and you don’t sound bitter, just pissed off at being ‘second best’ when you are the one who has put in the time and effort) but you do run the risk of pushing her away if you don’t handle this situation carefully. My son was similar with his dad but as he got older (19 years now) and got his driving license he actually spent longer periods at home and saw his dad for dinners and such but not really overnight. Just be patient and don’t allow your feelings to affect the way you interact with her.

Starlightstarbright2 · 23/07/2023 14:48

I think the issue isn’t where she is it’s more no notice given . You are in that tricky situation she can do what she wants at dad’s - children with a two parents at home or one parent living far away don’t have the options - at 15 pick your battles . She isn’t going to follow a schedule - it become a reason to fight

Original poster
Coffeedrinker7 · 23/07/2023 14:49

@Lefteyetwitch I probably am a little bitter. This is a man who left 10 years ago when I found out about OW. He chose to move away to be with her and have EOW contact. I raised my DC on my own with no family support, retrained in a new career, while he lied about his income and underpaid me in child support for years, but every time he saw them he showered them with gifts and days out then dropped them off overtired with a ball of unwashed uniform.

I know part of me needs to let go of the control a little but it is hard after so many years on my own. I don’t begrudge them time with him but I think it should be fair. I think he should take my opinions on board seeing as I have been their main parent for 10 years but he can’t stop seeing himself as the cool dad. I feel a little hurt that DD in particular has fallen for it, but I would never dream of saying that to her, and have never criticised him in front of them.

We are hopefully having mediation soon- it has got to the point that we can’t speak face to face after he swore at me in the street.

Thanks to those who have been understanding!

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 23/07/2023 14:52

Teens do not want a fir Ed and fixed schedule. They want flexibility to fit around school, friends, social activity, feelings, mood.

they should have the right to move between mum and dads without a schedule

but there also needs to be some ground rules and common courtesy such as letting you know I advance that she’s goi g to get dads tonight, or she won’t be back for dinner or that she’ll be back at 20pm or whatever

she’s not s toddler anymore anymore and you shouldn’t expect to treat her like o d