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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

ExH and teen not sticking to contact schedule

59 replies

Coffeedrinker7 · 23/07/2023 13:40

Don’t really know how to handle this…

We have 2 DC age 13 and 15, divorced 10 years. ExH has always been your stereotypical Disney dad- had the kids EOW from the start, lots of money spent on them, not many boundaries. About a year ago he moved back to the town we live in as his relationship broke down, he’s bought a big house, is spending a fortune on DCs’ bedrooms. He suddenly wants them a lot more.

He has said multiple times we should just let the DC choose where they want to be. Every time we try a schedule he doesn’t stick to it, particularly with 15yo. I get a message from her saying ‘actually I’m staying at dad’s til Thursday now’ Or I find her at the bottom of the stairs with her bag packed saying ‘oh dad’s coming to pick me up’ when I had no idea.

I strongly suspect, from things the DC have said, that he is manipulating them- asking them to stay longer, calling them to go out and do something with him when it’s ‘my’ weekend etc. He is also much more lax with curfews etc and lets 15yo DD stay out til midnight. If I say anything he gets mad and says I can’t comment on his ‘parenting style’.

I feel like if I lay down the law and say to the DC that they have to stay with me becomes it’s ‘my’ weekend then they will just resent me. But I don’t want them to think I don’t care- he is showering them with money and gifts at the moment and I can’t compete. People say ‘oh they will see him for what he is’ but they don’t. Yet again I am the boring one while he gets to be fun dad. Most of all I just really miss them.

OP posts:
AutisticLegoLover · 23/07/2023 18:52

I've got nothing to useful to add but I'm in a similar situation and wanted to thank you for this thread. After a decade of a contact order it's hard to get used to a free and easy contact non-schedule and you have my sympathy because it's shitFlowers

MillWood85 · 23/07/2023 19:17

It's likely just to be novelty. They can be at Dad's without rules or consequences - it's a no brainer to a 15 year old. But hand in hand with that comes no reliability, no emotional support and she'll soon sack him off when he doesn't care if she's fallen out with a friend/had a bad day. Money/disney dad treatment will only work for so long.

Play the long game, and be the reliable and dependable Mum that you always have been Flowers

Original poster
Coffeedrinker7 · 23/07/2023 20:25

Thanks all for the good advice and sorry for those in the same situation- it is shit! It’s true the new house is a big novelty at the moment, especially as it’s summer. 😞 She does at least say the food is better here 🤣

OP posts:
DinnaeFashYersel · 23/07/2023 20:30

At 15 - you are going to have to loosen the leash.

Manners - she should let you know where and when she's is going to be. But her decision.

Don't cook for her if she changes plans. Let her sort her own food.

DinnaeFashYersel · 23/07/2023 20:31

To add.

I get why you are upset but you won't 'win' this by putting your foot down.

Acornsoup · 23/07/2023 21:30

Coffeedrinker7 · 23/07/2023 13:58

@Lefteyetwitch So you think that at (just) 15 she can go back and forth as she pleases without telling me? With no schedule at all- so I don’t know if she’s going to turn up for dinner or if I can make plans for en evening out next weekend?

She should at least give you the courtesy of letting you know if she will be having dinner.

If this went to family court they would say she was old enough to decide. Shame for your youngest. Does she feel left out at this special treatment?

millymollymoomoo · 23/07/2023 21:45

We do get it

y own daughter (15) we t on holiday with her dad a few months ago
nie of course to her face I’m like, amazing, you should go, have a great time internally I’m like, so im
the one who’s raised her, take all the crap, etc then you swan in now she’s older and do fun stuff. Pissed me off
however I know, deep down that having a relationship with her dad will benefit her in the long term and that’s what matters and I do t want her parents fighting all the time

also, even with parents who are together, 15 year olds won’t want to spend time with parents, will be out the house, with friends, in and out eyc. That’s normal. And good

even though it’s a pita re logistics !!

unfortunately they grow up. And the best thing we can do as parents is to raise them Adele ought to be i dependent the nest

HowcanIhelp123 · 24/07/2023 20:03

At 15 she can vote with her feet. She needs to let you know in advance though. But I'd have a chat with her that having the responsibility for deciding where she stays comes with responsibility and consequences when she changes plans. For example, if she doesn't say she's coming to yours, you haven't made her dinner. So since she's enough of an adult to decide she can make her own food.

If he's crap, she'll learn he's crap. All the no homework, off school, no bedtime shit seems great to start with ... but then they learn not caring about those things means they don't care about other things too. E.g. detentions and falling behind at school, no lifts to go see friends, no doing their washing, no buying toiletries, crap takeaways rather than homecooked meals that leads to breakouts and weight gain. They often realise they want parenting.

aSofaNearYou · 24/07/2023 20:08

I would allow her the freedom to deviate from the schedule, but tell her she needs to agree it with you with a days notice, I think that's reasonable.

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