ExH and teen not sticking to contact schedule

[Coffeedrinker7]

Don’t really know how to handle this…

We have 2 DC age 13 and 15, divorced 10 years. ExH has always been your stereotypical Disney dad- had the kids EOW from the start, lots of money spent on them, not many boundaries. About a year ago he moved back to the town we live in as his relationship broke down, he’s bought a big house, is spending a fortune on DCs’ bedrooms. He suddenly wants them a lot more.

He has said multiple times we should just let the DC choose where they want to be. Every time we try a schedule he doesn’t stick to it, particularly with 15yo. I get a message from her saying ‘actually I’m staying at dad’s til Thursday now’ Or I find her at the bottom of the stairs with her bag packed saying ‘oh dad’s coming to pick me up’ when I had no idea.

I strongly suspect, from things the DC have said, that he is manipulating them- asking them to stay longer, calling them to go out and do something with him when it’s ‘my’ weekend etc. He is also much more lax with curfews etc and lets 15yo DD stay out til midnight. If I say anything he gets mad and says I can’t comment on his ‘parenting style’.

I feel like if I lay down the law and say to the DC that they have to stay with me becomes it’s ‘my’ weekend then they will just resent me. But I don’t want them to think I don’t care- he is showering them with money and gifts at the moment and I can’t compete. People say ‘oh they will see him for what he is’ but they don’t. Yet again I am the boring one while he gets to be fun dad. Most of all I just really miss them.

Forced and fixed that should say.

In mediation do discuss that if she is planning to go to uni that whoever has her more in sixth form will be the one whose income is used to determine student loan eligibility.

That's not the case. The student chooses which one to put down on the form.

What is mediation for? If he has beena selfish dad he is unlikely to change so just be realistic about outcomes.

She's too old for a 'schedule'. I'd expect if she wasn't staying at her dad's it would be afternoons/evenings out or at friends. Just decide what your rules are eg she has to tell you by X time if staying out overnight/not coming back for a planned meal.

@Livinghappy we have got to the point where we just can’t communicate anymore. He is so vile to me, everything descends into insults. Surprisingly, he suggested it. What I would like to achieve is for him to agree to speak to me with respect and that we take each other’s views into account, to agree a contact schedule (even if iIf is loose and flexible) and to agree on shared curfews at both houses. He is a real people pleaser (apart from to me!) and tbh I have long thought he is a narcissist. So I am hoping he will have to speak to me respectfully in front of the mediator and if we can agree some ground rules then he will have to stick to them.

I think you are in for disappointment tbh!

Don’t forget there is also 13yo DS who is very different- he literally just wants to be told what’s happening and where he’s staying, and has said as much.

I think it's him you need to speak with

The 13 year old can stick to the schedule. They don't have to go everywhere together. Perhaps that's something for the mediation?

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable, but the point you are missing is that you can't stop it from happening. So you either work with it and make it into something you can manage, or accept the fact that she could literally vote with her feet and move in with him. If it went to court, what she wants will have enormous sway. It isn't so much a "should you allow it to happen" as "exactly what can you do to stop it".

Honestly at their ages they should be able to come and go and no you don't need much notice. This was my set up from age 10. It's better for them to have the freedom. If your daughter suddenly decides she's at home and you've not made enough dinner, she bungs something in the oven, makes herself beans on toast etc. If you're cooking something fancy then ask if she wants any/will be home for it. You don't need to be on standby nor does she need babysitting. Make plans yourself and enjoy some time. Your son can have a schedule if wanted with the same flexibility if exciting events come up. Tbh it sounds like you're the one more worried over finances. Perhaps he realised he messed up when they were young and is now in a place to make up for it. It doesn't sound like your daughter is feeling forced in any way and kids do mature and realise which parent did the raising. They will know you did the hard work and thank you for it, it'll just take time

I never said you were bitter!
I've purposely just stuck to facts because I would not be calm or collected.
You are well within your rights to be Furious. It's ridiculous that after all the work you've put in he can do this.

But the facts are she holds more power if he's going to endorse this behaviour.

The reality is you can't control the elements you are looking for. Not can you make him parent to your boundaries.

It doesn't mean it is fair or right. But accepting you haven't control may actually help you. Reading between the lines he would probably like seeing you "lose" at mediation.

Personally, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

My friends autistic 16 year old loves spending time at his irresponsible Disney dads house;Disney dad doesn't enforce boundaries (there are none);Disney dad lets him stay up as late as he likes,let's him nothing but junk,let's him have unlimited gaming,doesn't make him shower or brush his teeth or go outside for some fresh air.

He's an absolute joy when he comes home,he's tired,snappy,aggressive,has a upset stomach from the junk food,reeks of BO,has awful smelling breath and has barely changed his clothes.

My friends two adult children and 15 year refuse to engage with their father as they see him for the Disney dad he is and the little effort he makes.

As annoying as the unset schedule is;you need to let your DD make her own choices;she'll eventually work things out on her own that her dad isn't quite the prince in shining armour she thinks he is and that he is in fact just a tosser in tin foil.

@Lefteyetwitch sorry, bad tagging from
me!

Totally getting the message that I need to chill out a bit and not force her. I really don’t want to lose her, something similar happened with a friend’s daughter and she chose to go and live with her dad. I will try to be more relaxed about it - it’s hard when I know he’s calling her up saying “come over, I’ve just got a hot tub!” and taking them on foreign holidays, I just can’t compete. I also don’t want to get into a competition where I’m basically bribing her to spend time with me!

Having said that, I have booked theatre tickets for the two of us later in the summer at least.

DS is 15 & while we still technically have my weekend & his dad's weekend DS doesn't really follow it.

This is my weekend but DS isn't here because he's chosen to stay at his dads, the difference is that he lets us know what's happening with at least a few days notice & if I make plans for his dads weekend & he asks to stay here I tell him no because I've got plans.

Ex & I do communicate when necessary though so that probably helps in our situation.

But at 15 you can't enforce a set weekend schedule I'm afraid - sometimes it's nothing to do with my plans or ex's plans it's about DS's plans with his friends/girlfriend that dictate where he is.

I think with regards to homework, school attendance, curfew etc. you'd be best talking directly and calmly with your DD and making an agreement with her. Get her focussed on her future and what she wants to achieve and why school is crucial to that. Talk to her about the freedom she needs but also about safety and why it's important etc. Go in with the attitude that you're a team trying to work together to solve the same problem.

I'd use the same method to get her to give you notice of where she's going to be, stick to pre-arranged plans etc. But you'll have to go in with a light touch and negotiation in mind.

How incredibly frustrating and infuriating for you. Unfortunately you can't do any thing except assert boundaries around letting you know her plans out of courtesy.

Keep your powder dry - she'll either realise what a tit he is or he'll meet someone else and lose interest. And remember she's pushing you because you're her safe space - she trusts you.

Focus on basic manners from DC.

Don't see it as a competition.

So mediation wise I would say you support flexibility and after ten years it is absolutely his turn to pull his weight however you would like some considerate behaviour such as letting you know in advance where she will be (steess yoir need for a social life) attendance to school should be mandatory no way should you have to pay fines and end up im court because of his slack permissive behaviour

the 13 year old wants a schedule give him one his choice

Ultimately they are collectively screwing up her future because if she screws up school she is fucked for university get used to working in supermarkets McDonald's will dad pay for her driving lessons and a car so she can do some home care or cleaning work? Factories are few and far between in my area these days hopefully she will find something to do

Plus crucially what happens when he gets another girlfriend?

That should say "stress your need for a social life" 🤦‍♀️ (he will not be pleased by that sentiment)

Thanks for the suggestions about mediation. I was thinking of suggesting EOW but at the start of each week the DC decide where they are going to stay each week night. This can change as long as the parent whose night it is is told in advance.

I appreciate i might have to compromise slightly on that, but I don’t really want 100% flexibility.

Otherwise I was going to suggest
-agree on the same curfew for DD at both houses
-agree to monitor homework and attendance
-agree to communicate respectfully - no swearing/name calling
-get duplicates of as much as possible (skin care, make up, uniform etc) so DC are not taking lots of stuff between houses (DD has said she hates having to pack a suitcase)

Does that sound achievable? Like I said, knowing him he will want to be seen as fair/nice by the mediator, and I don’t think he can argue with any of that, except possibly the EOW. It may be that only 13yo sticks to that. I am willing to compromise on the curfew, if we set some rules such as has to be picked up by an adult, can’t be alone, different for weekdays/ weekends etc.

Mediation is not legally binding. So he can promise you the world and never deliver.

We've never met the man. You and 2 kids with him. Do you honestly think k he will agree to that?

Good point- I know it’s not legally binding but I’m hoping at least if we have some form of agreement then I can point back to it and say ‘remember we agreed that…’ At the moment everything is via long text messages and anything we have agreed gets lost or he denies it or misinterprets it.

He has, at points, indicated that he wants to resolve things. At one point he was pushing for 50/50 one week at each house, but he seems to have given up on that idea. I just want things settled and to be able to have a conversation with him about our DC when I need to.