Do you feel upset/angry at how different ex is with their new partner?

NeedSleepNow · 2023-07-09T13:12:26+00:00

Sorry, there's not much point to this post really. Ex and I separated 2 years ago, it was my choice as the relationship was toxic and he was emotionally and financially abusive. It was awful towards the end and a terrible time for the children. He would never do anything with us as a family, wouldn't spend any money on us, begrudged paying for anything even a coffee for £2. He and I hadn't been out together for over 5 years through his choice. I don't love him anymore and life is so much better now but I can't help but feel so sad and angry at what a different person he is now. He has a new partner and is about to move in with her and her son, they go out as a family, lots of weekends away, holidays, meals out, he goes to her son's activities and school events yet he would never do why of that with us as if his own family were not good enough. Does anyone else feel like this? I just wonder why we weren't good enough for him to put in any effort but his new partner and her child are worth it. Sorry for moaning!

Nowthenhere · 09/07/2023 14:19

I read recently that some men view their own children as an extension of their partner.

So if they had checked out with regards to the relationship with you, they just do the same with your children.

Asterales · 09/07/2023 14:24

I think @Nowthenhere is right, I've observed exactly this before with some men.

MollysBrolly · 09/07/2023 14:33

As awful as it is some people aren't meant to be together, some people bring out the good/bad side of us.
Mive on with your life as it is now and don't spends another moment comparing how he is now to how he was with you.

Dolly199xoxo · 09/07/2023 15:04

Sounds like you had a lucky escape. Just remember looks can be deceiving and whilst it might look as though he’s treating his new partner better/ differently from social media he’s likely still toxic and abusive behind closed doors or even if he’s not yet soon will be. They rarely change.

Beacon2000 · 09/07/2023 18:14

@NeedSleepNow What you see might not be the whole story. For example, his new partner might be paying for it all. It's also early in the relationship.

I noticed in another thread the income you have been living on and it was not the best for either of you. There probably wasn't a lot of money left for coffee after the mortgage. Were you able to talk about money and stick to a budget?

EmotionalSupportWyrm · 09/07/2023 18:17

in five or six years time you will hear that the new partner is saying things like "I feel sorry for @NeedSleepNow for being with him for so long". He's making an effort - chances are he won't be able to sustain it.

Original poster

NeedSleepNow · 09/07/2023 18:22

Beacon2000 · 09/07/2023 18:14

@NeedSleepNow What you see might not be the whole story. For example, his new partner might be paying for it all. It's also early in the relationship.

I noticed in another thread the income you have been living on and it was not the best for either of you. There probably wasn't a lot of money left for coffee after the mortgage. Were you able to talk about money and stick to a budget?

Yes we had a budget with money to spare but that all stayed in his account. Even when we had a joint income of £75-80k pre children he would claim we had no money and couldn't afford to do anything. If I ever suggested going out etc I got lectured about the value of money

OP posts:

Original poster

NeedSleepNow · 09/07/2023 18:24

I know I sigismund be feeling like this as I am so much happier now and the children are too. It's just particularly hard to see him doing things with someone elses child when he wouldn't ever do anything with his own children .

OP posts:

Beacon2000 · 09/07/2023 18:31

NeedSleepNow · 09/07/2023 18:22

Yes we had a budget with money to spare but that all stayed in his account. Even when we had a joint income of £75-80k pre children he would claim we had no money and couldn't afford to do anything. If I ever suggested going out etc I got lectured about the value of money

Show quote history

This sounds more like an incompatibility on money issues rather than financial abuse. I suspect it was a factor in your separation and may not be a factor in his new relationship.

Unfortunately the pressures of having children can make this incompatibility worse. One of the reasons I divorced my ex was because I just couldn't cope with the overspending and the debts anymore. I'd earn the money and they'd spend it before it hit the account. We had no savings and lived month to month despite an income of £90k.

Anaemiafog · 09/07/2023 18:36

Obviously, it could all be an act until he has her in a vulnerable position but I think you get what you are willing to accept. I often see women who aren't necessarily abused but whose partner doesn't celebrate any of their life events and who socialises a lot with their friends, whilst never taking away out or on dates. If I had a boyfriend who behaved in such a way it would be over before it began.

Original poster

NeedSleepNow · 09/07/2023 18:47

Beacon2000 · 09/07/2023 18:31

This sounds more like an incompatibility on money issues rather than financial abuse. I suspect it was a factor in your separation and may not be a factor in his new relationship.

Unfortunately the pressures of having children can make this incompatibility worse. One of the reasons I divorced my ex was because I just couldn't cope with the overspending and the debts anymore. I'd earn the money and they'd spend it before it hit the account. We had no savings and lived month to month despite an income of £90k.

Show quote history

There was financial abuse later in the relationship when I was a stay at home parent.

OP posts:

Beacon2000 · 09/07/2023 19:28

NeedSleepNow · 09/07/2023 18:47

There was financial abuse later in the relationship when I was a stay at home parent.

Show quote history

It would only be financial abuse if it wasn't budgeting in the interests of the family. Judging from the size of your mortgage and your income there probably wasn't any money to be abusive with. The only way I could think of where there could have been financial abuse is if he refused to let you work.

Original poster

NeedSleepNow · 09/07/2023 19:56

Beacon2000 · 09/07/2023 19:28

It would only be financial abuse if it wasn't budgeting in the interests of the family. Judging from the size of your mortgage and your income there probably wasn't any money to be abusive with. The only way I could think of where there could have been financial abuse is if he refused to let you work.

Show quote history

It wasn't budgeting in the interests of the family when I was a stay at home parent, a decision that we had made jointly, and financial abuse isn't just stopping someone from working.

OP posts:

Beacon2000 · 09/07/2023 20:01

NeedSleepNow · 09/07/2023 19:56

It wasn't budgeting in the interests of the family when I was a stay at home parent, a decision that we had made jointly, and financial abuse isn't just stopping someone from working.

Show quote history

That is all true but unless he was opening new credit cards in your name without your consent, preventing you from working or stashing money away on the sly then there is no evidence of financial abuse. Saying you can't have a £2 coffee because a salary of £40k doesn't stretch to one after paying a large mortgage, the costs of three children and the costs of a spouse who doesn't work is not financial abuse. That's a disagreement about getting into debt by spending money you don't have.

pinkfondu · 09/07/2023 20:06

Yes, she was recently ill and he was running round like a blue arsed fly

BlastedPimples · 09/07/2023 20:29

Financial abuse is a lot more than not letting someone work. A lot more.

And op, people don't change. Really. They don't. It will take time but there will be the same behaviours and habits emerging before long. I mean, his new partner might be very accepting of it all. Or it might be pure hell at home for her.

I mean, I get the resentment. You had to deal with all sorts of shitty behaviour and now someone else seems to get the benefits of any epiphany your ex might have had.

It's honeymoon period. And don't think about them.

How are your dcs? Do they feel his rejection?

Original poster

NeedSleepNow · 09/07/2023 20:36

Beacon2000 · 09/07/2023 20:01

That is all true but unless he was opening new credit cards in your name without your consent, preventing you from working or stashing money away on the sly then there is no evidence of financial abuse. Saying you can't have a £2 coffee because a salary of £40k doesn't stretch to one after paying a large mortgage, the costs of three children and the costs of a spouse who doesn't work is not financial abuse. That's a disagreement about getting into debt by spending money you don't have.

Show quote history

I wasn't saying him refusing to buy a coffee was financial abuse. Me mentioning the coffee was from my other thread about how he has changed his ways with his new partner, so was taken out of context.

We didn't have a huge mortgage and could comfortably cover all the household bills when I was bringing up our children. He kept every penny that was spare and would happily spend hundreds on himself whilst I often ended up selling my things if I needed to buy myself something like a new pair of trousers or shoes. He wasn't physically stopping me from going back to work but if I had, he wouldn't have paid a penny towards the childcare bill so all of my wages would have gone straight to nursery fees. It was only when my children were older that I was finally able to go back to work, without spending the entire wage on childcare.

OP posts:

Original poster

NeedSleepNow · 09/07/2023 20:38

NeedSleepNow · 09/07/2023 20:36

I wasn't saying him refusing to buy a coffee was financial abuse. Me mentioning the coffee was from my other thread about how he has changed his ways with his new partner, so was taken out of context.

We didn't have a huge mortgage and could comfortably cover all the household bills when I was bringing up our children. He kept every penny that was spare and would happily spend hundreds on himself whilst I often ended up selling my things if I needed to buy myself something like a new pair of trousers or shoes. He wasn't physically stopping me from going back to work but if I had, he wouldn't have paid a penny towards the childcare bill so all of my wages would have gone straight to nursery fees. It was only when my children were older that I was finally able to go back to work, without spending the entire wage on childcare.

Show quote history

Sorry it was on this thread I mentioned it, I'm getting myself muddled with the other thread. But my point is still the same, I wasnt saying that the lack of buying a coffee was an indicator of abuse, but that doesn't mean he wasn't financially abusive

OP posts:

Original poster

NeedSleepNow · 09/07/2023 20:40

BlastedPimples · 09/07/2023 20:29

Financial abuse is a lot more than not letting someone work. A lot more.

And op, people don't change. Really. They don't. It will take time but there will be the same behaviours and habits emerging before long. I mean, his new partner might be very accepting of it all. Or it might be pure hell at home for her.

I mean, I get the resentment. You had to deal with all sorts of shitty behaviour and now someone else seems to get the benefits of any epiphany your ex might have had.

It's honeymoon period. And don't think about them.

How are your dcs? Do they feel his rejection?

Yes they do, our daughter often asks why Daddy would never do anything with us but does now. Our eldest wants very little to do with his Dad now

OP posts:

Beacon2000 · 09/07/2023 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MissingMoominMamma · 09/07/2023 21:49

His mask will slip eventually.

Original poster

NeedSleepNow · 09/07/2023 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

That's fine, I will see the numerous incidents of things over the years as financial abuse. I don't need to have it validated by you.

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/07/2023 22:18

Maybe a) she pays a lot of the time (I did this when I was with my ex, foolish I know but I just wanted to do stuff and go places)
B) he has learned from his mistakes with you and moved on a bit and self reflected. Very unlikely but possible!

LiteKim · 09/07/2023 22:57

Hi OP, It’s early days so of course he’s going to be as sweet as honey and show his best side, otherwise it’s not worth it. As pp said, his mask will slip in time.

guineacup · 10/07/2023 06:35

@Beacon2000

Ffs, give the OP a break. She may not have experienced the worst possible financial abuse, but from what she has said, it's clear the OP's DH was very controlling over money, and gave himself power that he wouldn't extend to the OP.

Your posts are a bit like "oh, he only gave you a couple of punches and the bruises hardly show.... that's not real physical abuse. Don't you know some people end up in hospital or dead from violent husbands?"

I'm not sure what you're trying to prove, other than being determined not to lose an argument.