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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Do you feel upset/angry at how different ex is with their new partner?

65 replies

NeedSleepNow · 09/07/2023 14:12

Sorry, there's not much point to this post really. Ex and I separated 2 years ago, it was my choice as the relationship was toxic and he was emotionally and financially abusive. It was awful towards the end and a terrible time for the children.

He would never do anything with us as a family, wouldn't spend any money on us, begrudged paying for anything even a coffee for £2. He and I hadn't been out together for over 5 years through his choice.

I don't love him anymore and life is so much better now but I can't help but feel so sad and angry at what a different person he is now. He has a new partner and is about to move in with her and her son, they go out as a family, lots of weekends away, holidays, meals out, he goes to her son's activities and school events yet he would never do why of that with us as if his own family were not good enough.

Does anyone else feel like this? I just wonder why we weren't good enough for him to put in any effort but his new partner and her child are worth it.

Sorry for moaning!

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 10/07/2023 06:52

Surely he was nice to you too in the early days @NeedSleepNow ?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 10/07/2023 07:02

You never know what goes on behind closed doors op.

My ex was like yours, he's now off doing all sorts with his new gf, moved in, off socialising, holidays, family outings etc. but I'm slowly finding out from my dd that the lifestyle is being completely facilitated by his gf, financially and she organises everything. It seems she's quite a controlling person by the sounds of things. But also it sounds like she's running out of money, so the lovely new car they bought is being sold, the plans to buy a lovely 5 bed house are being put on hold and they are continuing to rent. It's like watching a car crash in slow motion. The only thing I'm concerned about is my dd not getting caught in the cross fire.

It's not always greener, but you don't necessarily see it.

Caradonna · 10/07/2023 07:03

I think it's partly - I messed up first time round, either I make a go of this next one or I'm on my own.
And they realise a bit late they don't want to be on their own.

Westfacing · 10/07/2023 07:18

His apparent new behaviour won't last - my ex now treats his partner much the same way as he treated me, despite a very lovey-dovey first couple of years!

I've been divorced for decades so well past caring what he does, but in the early years I was a bit pissed off that they went long-haul to a destination that I'd always wanted to go to but we never got round to it.

Wishing you and your children well for the future Smile

PamPamSpamMan · 10/07/2023 07:47

Anyone else wondering if @Beacon2000 is the new woman? 😂 Seriously, give the OP a break!

BlastedPimples · 10/07/2023 11:35

@Caradonna there's always some poor woman who is available to be tricked into thinking he's a catch.

These men are never alone. They can't bear to be alone and their supply is never ending because they are dishonest.

Amuseaboosh · 10/07/2023 12:40

Nowthenhere · 09/07/2023 14:19

I read recently that some men view their own children as an extension of their partner.

So if they had checked out with regards to the relationship with you, they just do the same with your children.

This is what happened with my DH and his ex-wife and also me and my ex-husband.

DH and I have a VERY different relationship and setup to what he had in his previous marriage, and yes, I can see how his ex-wife would feel exactly how you do. In fact, I know she does as she's discussed it.

The only thing I can do is encourage and support a healthier relationship between DH and his children, and I'm happy to say that relationships have improved hugely.

DH admits that his issues with his ex-wife and his detachment from her and the marriage definitely impacted his relationship with his children. As stated, my ex-husband did the same with our children.

finewelshcheese · 10/07/2023 12:50

I'm not in your position but I know several couples who've split up in the last two years, mainly because their husbands were selfish arseholes.

Those same men are all over social media with their new partners, who claim they're the love of their life/man of their dreams etc. It won't last.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 10/07/2023 12:57

It likely won’t last.

My ex was like this numerous times over the years with new partners, but it never lasted.

My biggest annoyance was the number of them who encouraged him to have better relationships with our girls without any thought for the fact that the second their encouragement went away he’d drop them again.

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 10/07/2023 13:10

In my case I was a teen/very early 20s and my husband mid 30s. He was abusive, I was coerced into a few pregnancies, then he decided 4 kids was too much for him.

He had (yet another) affair and told me that this one only had 2 kids and loved cleaning and had her own home so he wanted to be with her for an easier life as he headed ibti his twighlight years.

Abandoned his kids (also cheated in her a few times) and married her a year or 2 back.

He's blocked all his kids, tells her that I withheld them and turned them against him.

I pity her, she has no idea what she's married to.

It pisses me off he plays the doting family man with her and her kids now, whereas in reality he's a groomer, a cheater, a liar, and an abuser. She's pretty daft and thinks she has a catch though (as I did).

It's annoying, but I have my amazing kids, and he has a trail of lies and cheating that will catch up to him one day.

toodlesofoodles · 10/07/2023 13:12

PamPamSpamMan · 10/07/2023 07:47

Anyone else wondering if @Beacon2000 is the new woman? 😂 Seriously, give the OP a break!

I thought the ex, personally.

spiderlighter · 10/07/2023 13:15

I think that's often the way, OP. It's early days, the honeymoon period and he will be on his best behaviour. I believe people rarely change, and behind closed doors, off social media I doubt it will stay rosey, sadly for the new partner.

My ex husband will be like this too, and I feel sorry for any new partner, but I am lucky, so so lucky, to be rid of him, and like you I was the one who ended the relationship.

Gettingbysomehow · 10/07/2023 13:17

No because I know he will never change and after the first flowers of love have unfurled he'll lead her a merry dance and they will eventually break up due to his unreasonable behaviour and demands and reluctance to get a proper job.

toodlesofoodles · 10/07/2023 13:18

OP to answer your question, I look at them more with pity than anger. If all he's got going for him is money, and he has to use it to "keep" his girlfriend(s) then it's quite sad and pathetic.

Your kids have love, care, nurture and security from you, that's worth more than a week in Benidorm or the newest iPhone.

Tlolljs · 10/07/2023 13:18

I know exactly what you mean even down to cups of coffee. If we were out together it would be ‘ im not paying two quid for a cup of cold coffee’
He’s all over her like a rash.
I just think he never liked me much.
Kids are all grown now. Two don’t speak to him,one only texts occasionally one is always arguing with him.

I don’t know the answer but it is what it is.

Resisterance · 10/07/2023 13:28

I hear you..I left for similar reasons. And then he met some very quickly and seemed to completely change his behaviour. But I know what he's like and sure enough 7 years on and it's all coming out again finally in their relationship.

He won't be able to keep it up.

And be glad you're not still with him.

baconcrisp · 10/07/2023 13:37

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

GerbilsForever24 · 10/07/2023 13:48

Yeah, give it time. He's buttering her up. Wait until he's actually moved in and it's harder for her to get rid of him.

MorrisZapp · 10/07/2023 13:48

You're comparing the shitty, old part of your relationship to the gleaming, new part of his next relationship. Even in healthy, equal relationships the two are incomparable. He's on his best behaviour, as he was with you when your own relationship was new.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 10/07/2023 20:39

Thank you all, I was just having a bit of a rubbish day and needed a moan.

It frustrates me that he is still so controlling with us, wanting to know exactly where we are, who we are seeing, not wanting anyone else seeing the kids when he isn't. Wants everything on his terms but then he has a new partner who he is perfectly behaved for (although as many of you have said I'm sure his behaviour with her may change as time goes on).

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 10/07/2023 20:42

He's love bombing her.

Give it about 2-3 years and he'll be the man you are familiar with.

mathanxiety · 10/07/2023 20:44

Don't pander to his attempts at control.

Keep a record of any demands or questions.

Refuse to answer/ ask him why he needs to know.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 10/07/2023 21:11

mathanxiety · 10/07/2023 20:44

Don't pander to his attempts at control.

Keep a record of any demands or questions.

Refuse to answer/ ask him why he needs to know.

I am trying not to. I have been keeping a record of things for a while now, then things seem to improve and I stop then he starts trying to be controlling again. The usual cycle.

It certainly feels as though he keeps track of who comes to the house, he wanted first refusal to look after the children, anytime I am busy for any length of time solely so that my sister or friends never helped me out. I have unplugged the house phone to stop the constant phonecalls. He always wants to know where we are, what we are doing. He was like it when we were married too. Always ringing me when he was at work, if I didn't answer he would keep on ringing and ringing and then send angry messages saying he will not be ignored.

I know I am better off without him and the children are happier now that they don't live with him.

OP posts:
WednesdaysMentor · 11/07/2023 11:51

I know how you feel OP, my ex of 23 years moved in with the woman he had an EA with 8 weeks after he moved out, we were not even officially split up!

He doesnt see DD - his choice but is out playing super step dad with her kids, he didnt have alot to do with his family over the years, never put the effort in, didnt attend any parties etc that they had, infact our DD at the age of 10 finally found out what her aunty looked like! But now he is attending everything can with his trashy new woman and her kids.

But i feel sorry for her as they old saying goes "nobody loves harder or faster than a man with nowhere to live" or in his case hated living in his mothers box room.

But yeah, the going places, doing this that and the other did piss me off, he never put the effort in for DD, never went anywhere unless it was for his hobby.

Now i make sure we try and do something nice at least 3 weekends out of 4, even just free things like going to the park or visiting family, to big things like the zoo or a safari park. I find now i dont care what he is doing as i know in time it will stop and he will be back to the lazy slob he was when we were together.

GerbilsForever24 · 11/07/2023 11:54

I think I remember a previous thread about him insisting on "first refusal" for any childcare? the man is a complete and total controlling wanker. And you should be feeling sorry for the new partner because it WILL start with him. Right now, she's probably being bombarded with stories about how lovely it is to spend time with a family and her and the DC because his crazy ex (that's you, FYI) was so difficult/demanding/controlling/refuses access to the children etc etc etc.....

I feel sorry for your children, of course, and of course it's hard for you to have to try explain to them. I'd avoid letting them know what he's doing as mochas you possibly can.