Do you feel upset/angry at how different ex is with their new partner?

[NeedSleepNow]

Sorry, there's not much point to this post really. Ex and I separated 2 years ago, it was my choice as the relationship was toxic and he was emotionally and financially abusive. It was awful towards the end and a terrible time for the children.

He would never do anything with us as a family, wouldn't spend any money on us, begrudged paying for anything even a coffee for £2. He and I hadn't been out together for over 5 years through his choice.

I don't love him anymore and life is so much better now but I can't help but feel so sad and angry at what a different person he is now. He has a new partner and is about to move in with her and her son, they go out as a family, lots of weekends away, holidays, meals out, he goes to her son's activities and school events yet he would never do why of that with us as if his own family were not good enough.

Does anyone else feel like this? I just wonder why we weren't good enough for him to put in any effort but his new partner and her child are worth it.

Sorry for moaning!

@NeedSleepNow
The fact that you are wasting time looking at his life means that you aren't focusing on your own life.

Perhaps, he and the new partner are more compatible. Perhaps, he learned some lessons from your marriage.
Maybe the new woman is more assertive.

Does it really matter? The 2 of you were not making each other happy. You should focus on your life rather than on his life. Nothing is to be gained by trying to compare and analyze.

Two posters blaming tge OP and excusing the ex is two too many !

OP you are not wrong to resent having to deal with gis dig in the manger approach to your life. I would recommend moving to our family wizard for whatever contact you need with him and then block him on your phone. If he does get you on the phone say “Is this about money? You owe the children X amount of money.” Then hang up the phone. Nothing you can do now can change or improve the relationship as he is a controlling person to whom your only value is as a possession. Just act like an independent person whenever you interact with him. Laugh at his pretensions. He will stop bothering you as long as he has other possessions (a new woman). He will return periodically when he needs a fix of control but you will simply repeat your plan: ignore, repel, laugh.

My ex traded me in for a younger, prettier model but treated her the same awful way. She dumped him.

Think back to when you and he started dating. No doubt he wasn’t financially mean then, else you’d have thought twice about getting involved. My experience of financial abuse was that my ex was flash with money at the start of our relationship. Then started little changes financially as time went by, but only after he had a bit more control over me… after marriage, after I started working for him, after first child was born, after I sold my house etc. He became financially meaner and meaner. After many years I was broke, financially and emotionally. I am now happily divorced and feel compassion towards his new partner. She, no doubt, is currently enjoying the flash, generous bit.

This really isn’t uncommon in the slightest unfortunately, some men see it as a chance to make a better fresh start with a new family. He’ll be wanting to impress his shiny new love etc too. Also although he might not admit it, he may he using the experience of the ‘mistakes’ he made with you to try and make a better go of things this time. Going through the trenches of pregnancy, birth, first time parenthood, young children, the financial changes that brings can take its toll for some men and they end up subconsciously blaming the first family for that, Having made that adaption and having the expenses and workload now eased a little they can bounce into a new family and it all seems wonderful to them

“ I just wonder why we weren't good enough for him to put in any effort but his new partner and her child are worth it.”

it’s not that anyway, maybe what you see isn’t what’s going on behind closed doors, maybe he’s still on his best behaviour and it’ll change later, maybe he’s had a realisation that he needs to change… or a million and one other things, but it’s nothing to do with you and your children not being good enough and all to do with him.

Hi OP. I have reported the poster for repeatedly attempting to invalidate your account of your own life story.

I agree with many others here that he might genuinely be offering his best self to his new partner, as I'm sure he did with you initially. However, without therapy he's likely to respond to any life challenges over the coming years with the same coping strategies that he unleashed on you at some point. So it's their honeymoon period essentially.

I agree also that when a man checks out of life he often includes his children in that. For a time at least.

@5475878237NC about a year too late as this is an old thread. Hoping the OP is doing well now.

Nope. Got that banned poster's horrible posts deleted today. Never too late to stop people hurting people.

Thank you. Things have improved a bit since then. Ex isn't being as controlling as he was. I hadn't realised how much things had improved until reading back through some of this thread today! Although I think he is only being nice because we are in the process of selling the house and agreeing the split of our finances and he hopes that by being nice and less controlling that I will just give him the straight 50/50 split of the house that he wants - whilst he also wants to keep his savings and very expensive car he just bought and for me to keep my debts.

The big things is that he is making more of an effort with our children. His relationship with our eldest is still very rocky but has improved a bit.

He is still with his partner and our children really like her (although they just think she is their Dad's friend rather than girlfriend). They all go out together on his weekends with the children and they have had weekends away. I'm really glad the children like her and that their relationship with their Dad has improved.

I don't feel angry with him but I do sometimes feel sad still that we weren't enough for him to want to do those things with us as a family. I am now just looking towards the future, hoping that once the former marital home is sold I can buy somewhere for me and the children and really start my new life.

Well done op, great update. Are you planning on sharing the house 50/50?

I'm so glad to read your update.

It's only natural to feel as you do but I urge you to reframe that part of "not being enough" as it's much more about where he was at personally and what he had to give.

Your little family have so much love, plenty to go around for each other and always did.

@Cerialkiller That's what he wants but not what I want!

I would like back what I have paid off the mortgage the last few years since he moved out. I have paid £15k off the mortgage whereas he has saved £15k and bought a car with it just recently so I'm proposing he keeps his car, I get the £15k back that I have paid off the mortgage. Then he can keep any savings he has and I will keep my debts (£12k). I'm asking for a 60:40 split of the house as I am unable to secure a mortgage for a lot so will have to either rent or buy a shared ownership property for me and the children. He earns double my wage and will be able to get a good mortgage and isn't tied to the expensive area by the children's school like I am.

I know he won't accept my offer but hopefully we can compromise and meet somewhere in the middle of that and straight 50/50 split.

Thank you @5475878237NC , you're absolutely right I should look at it differently.

I am a lot happier now than I was when we were together and I'm quite excited about the next chapter of my life with the children