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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband after 26th is gay

126 replies

Haley1826 · 02/07/2023 13:21

i just need to vent!!!
27yrs and now he comes clean…
what was wrong with me,
yes we had lots of up and down moments. He says we are best friends, yes I agree but how can I switch off the romance sexual feelings I have?
i feel worthless unloved and stupid that I didn’t see the signs.

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 02/07/2023 13:23

There’s nothing wrong with you, he’s just gay.

he’s done you are terrible wrong by lying to you for all these years.

I hope you can resolve this amicably.

eraseddad · 07/07/2023 15:30

Listen... there is nothing wrong with any of you.
We live in a society that LGBTQ community is marginalised and the majority of people hide it as a survival instinct.
I'm pretty sure he has just found the courage to be true to himself and he's now confident enough to share that. He has had his struggles with it i'm sure and now you have to struggle with understanding and getting answers to your questions. Try not to get into the mentality that he did you wrong cause this will end up in conflict. Be kind to one another at this moment and readjust to the current situation.

Scottishskifun · 07/07/2023 15:32

Your neither unloved nor stupid but this is a huge thing to process.
I suggest getting some counselling arranged in the first instance.

Gettingbysomehow · 07/07/2023 15:35

I'd be bloody furious if someone lied to me for 26 years.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2023 15:36

Gettingbysomehow · 07/07/2023 15:35

I'd be bloody furious if someone lied to me for 26 years.

The op's husband has probably been lying to himself for his entire life.

FionnulaTheCooler · 07/07/2023 15:38

Has he been cheating on you to have sex with men? I'm sorry that you're in this situation and you're not worthless and stupid, he has been lying to you, maybe out of denial or the fear of losing you from his life but it certainly isn't your fault.

LaDamaDeElche · 07/07/2023 16:05

Gettingbysomehow · 07/07/2023 15:35

I'd be bloody furious if someone lied to me for 26 years.

Me too. 26 years ago was 1997, it wasn't 1987.
There was no reason for him to be untruthful for all these years. It's very unlikely that he only just realised. For the overwhelming majority of gay men it doesn't work like that.

JaninaDuszejko · 07/07/2023 16:05

27 years ago wasn't the dark ages, it was 1996. He could have remained unmarried, things were changing quickly at that point, the Civil Partnership Act 2004 was only a few years away.

I've got no sympathy for people (male or female) who choose to deceive the person they have married for decades. It's not like the celebrity lavender marriages of the mid 20th century when both participants knew the score and benefit from the relationship. What @Haley1826 's husband has done to her is unforgiveable.

QueensBees · 07/07/2023 16:05

I’ll take it slowly.
i would expect you to become angry at some point, devastated (which I suspect is where you are now), not quite believing it etc…
Because you are going to grieve for what you thought you had and actually hadn’t. And that us very normal regardless of the reasons etc….

Then you will have to decide what you want.
And have a Discussion together about what you both want.

I think the most crucial part is that him being gay = no sexual life and no intimacy.

QueensBees · 07/07/2023 16:07

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2023 15:36

The op's husband has probably been lying to himself for his entire life.

Show quote history

Yes but that doesn’t mean that she has to just accept it.

Chasingadvice · 07/07/2023 16:08

eraseddad · 07/07/2023 15:30

Listen... there is nothing wrong with any of you.
We live in a society that LGBTQ community is marginalised and the majority of people hide it as a survival instinct.
I'm pretty sure he has just found the courage to be true to himself and he's now confident enough to share that. He has had his struggles with it i'm sure and now you have to struggle with understanding and getting answers to your questions. Try not to get into the mentality that he did you wrong cause this will end up in conflict. Be kind to one another at this moment and readjust to the current situation.

How odd. Don't get into the mindset he did her wrong? He lied for 26 years and wasted over a quarter of her life. Being true to himself?
He could have done that by staying single. Absolutely bizarre through process.

Chasingadvice · 07/07/2023 16:10

@Aquamarine1029 lying to himself must have been so utterly tragic. I'm devastated for him the woman whose life he's wasted a quarter of.

I'm sure you'd be so sympathetic if it happened to you but then again...maybe you'd enjoy that.

Ponderingwindow · 07/07/2023 16:13

There is nothing wrong with you.

The person you are supposed to be able to trust most in the world deceived you.

how you move forward is up to you. It depends on what each of you are hoping for. There is no right or wrong answer, no shame in leaving or staying. You are also allowed as much time as you need to process this. He certainly took his time, so don’t feel pressured to accommodate his schedule.

SecretTattoo · 07/07/2023 16:15

You’re not worthless or stupid. He just an expert at deceiving others.

I know a woman who was in your situation, they had been together for about 10 years. Ignore anyone who tells you how brave he is and how you ‘have’ to support him. This is traumatic for you, give yourself time to process. The woman I know that went through this had a lot of counselling. It’s many years on but she is ok.

💐

creasedclothes · 07/07/2023 16:17

Vent away!! It's an awful thing for him to have done.
I just don't believe that a gay man could have not known all those years.

Chewbaccaslime · 07/07/2023 16:18

In the very raw beginnings of a break up after 20+ years. What you are feeling is completely normal for any kid of break up regardless of the circumstances. It is that feeling of not being good enough for your partner anymore and it fucking hurts. It doesn't matter if they're gay, straight or bi, and doesn't matter if there's someone else or not. It still hurts to the bone to have the person you love tell you that they don't want you.

Chewbaccaslime · 07/07/2023 16:18

Sorry I'm in the very beginning of a relationship break up.

Sunsetandsunrise · 07/07/2023 16:20

That sucks, I’m so sorry. I can imagine it’s a nasty shock.

A guy who had a crush on me (thankfully I just saw him as a friend) came out as gay a few years later it’s always made me feel a bit paranoid about men being in the closet but no matter how hard you look some men can still pull the wool sadly.

it won’t be easy but I’m sure you’ll bounce back from it eventually.

Maybe83 · 07/07/2023 16:27

@eraseddad what planet are you living on? He did do her wrong in one of the worst ways possible. She is absolutely entitled to feel betrayed, angry, deceived and lied too. He didn't have to get married to a woman. I'm sure no one was standing at the alter with a gun to his head.

Op there is nothing wrong with you and you aren't stupid. You believed in what and who was presented to you.

He isn't your best friend. Your best friend wouldn't lie to you and allow you to live your life under such a false narrative.

Turning off your feelings is going to be hard and take time. Great for him after 27 years he gets to live his truth. Now you need to focus on you and making decisions and moving forward that in a way that is healthiest and best for you. Starting with logistics of divorce and then emotional support to help you move forward in your life.

Do you have support? Honestly I would get counselling as soon as possible to help you work through all of this.

BestServedChilled · 07/07/2023 16:30

I’m sorry OP. He has had ages to think about this, for you it’s a massive shock. Be careful with yourself, don’t make any rash or hasty promises. Anger, grief, forgiveness, disgust - all valid

bonzaitree · 07/07/2023 16:32

Agree he is not your best friend. He lied to you for 26 years about one of the most basic fundamental elements of your marriage.

It was perfectly acceptable to come out as gay in 1997. It’s not 1937 for goodness sake.

Personally I would get this person out your life as swiftly and painlessly as possible.

Get some really good counselling in place and a cracking divorce solicitor. Try and move on.

Don’t make things easy for him by “accepting him” and “supporting him”. Why accept and support a liar? Set him free to go off and live whatever life he wants to.

mathanxiety · 07/07/2023 16:36

I have never had any disclosure from my own exH, but I found incontrovertible evidence on a home PC of an affair with a man and a sustained interest in a certain sort of gay porn.

Your husband is not just gay but a deeply deceitful man. No wonder you feel so shocked and lost. You've invested probably a third of your life in a relationship that had a completely different meaning and function for your H than it had for you.

My advice to you is to go and get STD tested, and ask him some very hard questions, the answers to which he owes you.
Has he ever had sex with a man/ men?
How often?
What prompted the disclosure at this point?
What really prompted the disclosure at this point?

Toseland · 07/07/2023 16:36

What?!
eraseddad · Today 15:30
Listen... there is nothing wrong with any of you.
We live in a society that LGBTQ community is marginalised and the majority of people hide it as a survival instinct.
I'm pretty sure he has just found the courage to be true to himself and he's now confident enough to share that. He has had his struggles with it i'm sure and now you have to struggle with understanding and getting answers to your questions. Try not to get into the mentality that he did you wrong cause this will end up in conflict. Be kind to one another at this moment and readjust to the current situation.

How are LGBTQs marginalised? What a joke - every bank, police force, shop and workplace are absolutely plastered in support - and celebrate for a whole month! No other group gets that.

As for Try not to get into the mentality that he did you wrong cause this will end up in conflict. Be kind
Where is the kindness for the OP?! The OP has not caused conflict, this cheating arse has by cheating for 26 years and put her at risk.

mathanxiety · 07/07/2023 16:37

Maybe83 · 07/07/2023 16:27

@eraseddad what planet are you living on? He did do her wrong in one of the worst ways possible. She is absolutely entitled to feel betrayed, angry, deceived and lied too. He didn't have to get married to a woman. I'm sure no one was standing at the alter with a gun to his head.

Op there is nothing wrong with you and you aren't stupid. You believed in what and who was presented to you.

He isn't your best friend. Your best friend wouldn't lie to you and allow you to live your life under such a false narrative.

Turning off your feelings is going to be hard and take time. Great for him after 27 years he gets to live his truth. Now you need to focus on you and making decisions and moving forward that in a way that is healthiest and best for you. Starting with logistics of divorce and then emotional support to help you move forward in your life.

Do you have support? Honestly I would get counselling as soon as possible to help you work through all of this.

This is a GREAT post.

Well said.

Superdupes · 07/07/2023 16:38

He's an asshole OP, I know as I went through the same - he didn't see the issue as he was a complete narc. Lying to himself my arse, just like Phillip Schofield huh?

We may live in a society where the LGBTQ community is marginalised and the majority of some people hide it as a survival instinct @eraseddad - and if anyone feels they want or need to hide it then that is absolutely fine. But don't drag others into your shitty charade by marrying someone you're not attracted to and wasting their fucking life away in a sham.

This kind of bollox makes me so fucking mad. You have no idea what it's like to be tricked and manipulated like this by someone who isn't attracted to you for a quarter of your life - it you did @eraseddad you wouldn't be trying to tell anyone it was fine or to be kind.

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