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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband after 26th is gay

126 replies

Haley1826 · 02/07/2023 13:21

i just need to vent!!!
27yrs and now he comes clean…
what was wrong with me,
yes we had lots of up and down moments. He says we are best friends, yes I agree but how can I switch off the romance sexual feelings I have?
i feel worthless unloved and stupid that I didn’t see the signs.

OP posts:
WunWun · 07/07/2023 16:41

What does he actually say about it? He was lying all this time, or he is just realising now that he's gay? Not that you should necessarily believe him straight off if he says the latter, but at least hear what he says first.

SideWonder · 07/07/2023 16:43

JaninaDuszejko · 07/07/2023 16:05

27 years ago wasn't the dark ages, it was 1996. He could have remained unmarried, things were changing quickly at that point, the Civil Partnership Act 2004 was only a few years away.

I've got no sympathy for people (male or female) who choose to deceive the person they have married for decades. It's not like the celebrity lavender marriages of the mid 20th century when both participants knew the score and benefit from the relationship. What @Haley1826 's husband has done to her is unforgiveable.

Totally agree. He's used you @Haley1826 and you've done absolutely nothing wrong, but I do understand how you must feel (I was in a similar situation but thank god he only stole 3 years of my life).

Many men are selfish - sorry for you that this one was.

Look, I know the toughness for gay men & lesbians - that assumed heterosexuality mean they spend their lives "coming out." But we all have things we have to overcome, which scare us, and which we'd rather not have to do.

But 26 years!? He's a monumental coward & a deceitful bastard.

loislovesstewie · 07/07/2023 16:44

I'd be bloody furious, how dare he lie to you, how dare he pretend, how dare he waste your life because he lied. It wasn't the dark ages when you married, he didn't HAVE to marry you. I know plenty of gay men of my age,67, and they didn't lie and marry an actual woman. You have every right to be angry , or to feel anything else you like. I admit I would have slapped my husband if he had done this.

whynotwhatknot · 07/07/2023 16:45

I agree with pp-hes not your best friend hes been lying to you for years friends dont do that

all that how brave these men are-absolute tosh

mathanxiety · 07/07/2023 16:45

@Chewbaccaslime
There is a difference when it comes to a relationship with a man who turns out to be gay.

The difference is that you've been lied to in the most comprehensive way for the entire duration of the relationship. You realise that you've never satisfied him sexually. All those times you thought things were great were not great. You've been used, and if you have children, they have been used too, to present the white picket fence /family man image to the world.

Unbeknownst to you, you've been playing a role in a massive lie for decades. Everything you thought you knew about your life is now tainted. It is very hard to 'bounce back' from comprehensive deceit on this scale.

MsRosley · 07/07/2023 16:48

I'm so sorry, OP. He has treated you appallingly.

eraseddad · 07/07/2023 16:49

Maybe83 · 07/07/2023 16:27

@eraseddad what planet are you living on? He did do her wrong in one of the worst ways possible. She is absolutely entitled to feel betrayed, angry, deceived and lied too. He didn't have to get married to a woman. I'm sure no one was standing at the alter with a gun to his head.

Op there is nothing wrong with you and you aren't stupid. You believed in what and who was presented to you.

He isn't your best friend. Your best friend wouldn't lie to you and allow you to live your life under such a false narrative.

Turning off your feelings is going to be hard and take time. Great for him after 27 years he gets to live his truth. Now you need to focus on you and making decisions and moving forward that in a way that is healthiest and best for you. Starting with logistics of divorce and then emotional support to help you move forward in your life.

Do you have support? Honestly I would get counselling as soon as possible to help you work through all of this.

We have different opinions, fair... that's why this is a public post.

We do agree she needs to move forward in the best possible way for her.

I'd surely agree that in her position i'd turn to counselling to help me understand things.

In my experience, the longer it took me to move on from a toxic situation the worst the result was from me. All feelings are human and it's good she can vent of even here.

sunshinesupermum · 07/07/2023 16:49

Nothing absolutely nothing is wrong with you! My ex came out to me after 30 years of marriage so I totally empathise with you OP. I can only recommend letting him go and live your best life afterwards. It can be done and you deserve so much better. 💐

hattie43 · 07/07/2023 16:49

Gettingbysomehow · 07/07/2023 15:35

I'd be bloody furious if someone lied to me for 26 years.

Me too . It's such a betrayal.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2023 16:50

Chasingadvice · 07/07/2023 16:10

@Aquamarine1029 lying to himself must have been so utterly tragic. I'm devastated for him the woman whose life he's wasted a quarter of.

I'm sure you'd be so sympathetic if it happened to you but then again...maybe you'd enjoy that.

Are you alright? What an utterly bizarre way of thinking.

eraseddad · 07/07/2023 16:52

slashlover · 07/07/2023 16:47

Interesting that nobody called this woman a liar, asshole or bastard for realising she was gay. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4699381-im-gay-but-married

Very interesting indeed 🤔

Annasoror · 07/07/2023 16:53

But he may not have been lying, though it's still devastating for the OP, who has all my sympathy.
People develop feelings for other people at different stages - maybe he's just never developed feelings for a man before and thought he was straight. I'd be furious and devastated that he was cheating on me with anyone, but I don't think it means he's been secretly gay and lying for 27 years.

StellaLaBella · 07/07/2023 16:57

eraseddad · 07/07/2023 15:30

Listen... there is nothing wrong with any of you.
We live in a society that LGBTQ community is marginalised and the majority of people hide it as a survival instinct.
I'm pretty sure he has just found the courage to be true to himself and he's now confident enough to share that. He has had his struggles with it i'm sure and now you have to struggle with understanding and getting answers to your questions. Try not to get into the mentality that he did you wrong cause this will end up in conflict. Be kind to one another at this moment and readjust to the current situation.

Are you the OP's SBXH by any chance? You sure are keen for her to take the high road, I'm sure that would suit you nicely. "Let's be amicable, Be fucking Kind". Fuck that OP. Funny how women are always supposed to "Be Kind" when it makes life easier for men. Shame on you and shame on him.

Haley1826 what a selfish, deceitful and hurtful thing he has done to you. 27 years!! It's unforgivable. Certainly, I couldn't forgive all those wasted years, and all because he's a self centred, cowardly arse. Well, now it's your turn to be as selfish as you like. I think my heart would lock like a box, and I could never find a way to "Be Kind" towards him again. Civil, yes, kind, fuck no.

I hope you get a shit hot lawyer, get what you are owed and find a fantastic therapist. And don't lie/cover up on his behalf, he wants to be out and proud, then let him own it with your family, friends and community. You, at least, can hold your head up high. Big, unmumsnetty hugs FlowersFlowersFlowers

StellaLaBella · 07/07/2023 16:58

slashlover · 07/07/2023 16:47

Interesting that nobody called this woman a liar, asshole or bastard for realising she was gay. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4699381-im-gay-but-married

Oh, I think she's an arse too

whynotwhatknot · 07/07/2023 17:00

As for the other thread shes just as bad

eraseddad · 07/07/2023 17:08

StellaLaBella · 07/07/2023 16:57

Are you the OP's SBXH by any chance? You sure are keen for her to take the high road, I'm sure that would suit you nicely. "Let's be amicable, Be fucking Kind". Fuck that OP. Funny how women are always supposed to "Be Kind" when it makes life easier for men. Shame on you and shame on him.

Haley1826 what a selfish, deceitful and hurtful thing he has done to you. 27 years!! It's unforgivable. Certainly, I couldn't forgive all those wasted years, and all because he's a self centred, cowardly arse. Well, now it's your turn to be as selfish as you like. I think my heart would lock like a box, and I could never find a way to "Be Kind" towards him again. Civil, yes, kind, fuck no.

I hope you get a shit hot lawyer, get what you are owed and find a fantastic therapist. And don't lie/cover up on his behalf, he wants to be out and proud, then let him own it with your family, friends and community. You, at least, can hold your head up high. Big, unmumsnetty hugs FlowersFlowersFlowers

Show quote history

wow... whatever the trauma is there channel your toxicity to yourself please. i see my opinion has struck a cord in you so you might want to work on that so you feel more at peace. This thread is about @Haley1826 Healey1826 and she needs to vent off and trying to make sense of things so please don't make this about you or me.

JaninaDuszejko · 07/07/2023 17:11

And there's plenty on that thread telling her she needs to leave to give her husband the chance of a proper loving relationship. I didn't comment on it at the time but absolutely thought she was being incredibly unfair to her DH with her dithering.

Elsiebear90 · 07/07/2023 17:21

He may not have gone into the marriage knowing he was gay, he may have thought he was straight or bi or confused etc. Denial is a very powerful thing. Also, it was not easy to be gay in the 90s at all, homophobia was rife, I feel sorry for all involved.

topnoddy · 07/07/2023 17:25

He may have only recently realised he was gay , it does happen .
A few years ago I'd have said I was 100% straight as a die but a few things happened and I'd now say that I'm bi , people change constantly , nothing stays the same .

SloeGinPours · 07/07/2023 17:28

Hmm, suspicions about my own husband. Time will tell.

AIBUIthinkNot · 07/07/2023 17:44

My brother has just done this to his fiancee of 20 years.
I am disgusted by him. I'm unlikely to keep in touch with his ex-partner but don't think for a minute that I will be busting a gut to support him in the future. I'm not bothered about the gay thing, great friends were out way before 2003. He might be blood but he's been lying to us all for so long, there's no trusting him now. He literally told my mum as my dad was dying, it was all about him.

I wish you well in the future.

eraseddad · 07/07/2023 18:09

Toseland · 07/07/2023 16:36

What?!
eraseddad · Today 15:30
Listen... there is nothing wrong with any of you.
We live in a society that LGBTQ community is marginalised and the majority of people hide it as a survival instinct.
I'm pretty sure he has just found the courage to be true to himself and he's now confident enough to share that. He has had his struggles with it i'm sure and now you have to struggle with understanding and getting answers to your questions. Try not to get into the mentality that he did you wrong cause this will end up in conflict. Be kind to one another at this moment and readjust to the current situation.

How are LGBTQs marginalised? What a joke - every bank, police force, shop and workplace are absolutely plastered in support - and celebrate for a whole month! No other group gets that.

As for Try not to get into the mentality that he did you wrong cause this will end up in conflict. Be kind
Where is the kindness for the OP?! The OP has not caused conflict, this cheating arse has by cheating for 26 years and put her at risk.

I would be perfectly happy to share with you all the data and statistics of marginalisation of LGBTQ+ community - 1996 Hate crime towards LGBTQ+ was still the highest amongst crime, more than race, sex and religion... also to tell you that PRIDE wouldn't be needed if that community wasn't marginalised but this thread is to support @Haley1826 . Yes she needs to be kind to him and he needs to be kind to her. The more aggressive and engrossed to get back at him the more she will sink to toxic levels that will most probably have a worst effect on her. This is a typical trauma and i assume needs support but being vindictive can only hurt her... Remaining spiteful will consume her life... is this what she needs? How come everyone in here is " he lied to her...and it's despicable" so that means... nobody in here has lied ever and no one has lived or witnessed lies for several years... potentially from parents?! which ARE actually the ONLY people in the world that you should count on and trust blindly. So yes... i'm suggesting to her to vent off as much as she wants but get on with her life and not give another minute to him, take her time and i'm sending her a big hug cause it's hard to have a thousand unanswered questions and not knowing where to begin and blaming yourself. And why do we assume he cheated on her... and put her at risk? as if he was having unprotected sex and he could give something to his wife? how on earth is this assumed by her post? Let's be supportive to this woman that reached out and try to support her to get herself in a much better place than she is right now.

Joey2323 · 07/07/2023 18:20

slashlover · 07/07/2023 16:47

Interesting that nobody called this woman a liar, asshole or bastard for realising she was gay. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4699381-im-gay-but-married

Exactly. There is some real anti-male and borderline homophobic sentiment here: how do we know he’s ‘lied’ to her.

maybe he’s only figuring out now. It’s hard, you know.

eraseddad · 07/07/2023 18:24

Joey2323 · 07/07/2023 18:20

Exactly. There is some real anti-male and borderline homophobic sentiment here: how do we know he’s ‘lied’ to her.

maybe he’s only figuring out now. It’s hard, you know.

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100% agree with this. The sentiment here is very bizarre.

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