Page 3 | Husband after 26th is gay

Haley1826 · 2023-07-02T12:21:31+00:00

i just need to vent!!! 27yrs and now he comes clean… what was wrong with me, yes we had lots of up and down moments. He says we are best friends, yes I agree but how can I switch off the romance sexual feelings I have? i feel worthless unloved and stupid that I didn’t see the signs.

L1342 · 07/07/2023 18:27

A great programme for you to watch is Netflix programme Grace and Frankie.
The description: Finding out that their husbands are not just work partners, but have also been romantically involved for the last twenty years, two women with an already strained relationship try to cope with the circumstances together.
The reason I suggest it is because I don’t think there is going to be a lot of people with experience of this to advise you on here and this show really goes through the experience and the emotional process behind it. It’s also hilarious, not that I think your situation is funny. It just might help to have something to relate to, that has a positive spin. I would find it comforting but you may not, so ignore me if it’s not your cup of tea.
All the best💐

CoastalShelf · 07/07/2023 18:50

I’m absolutely blown away by the homophobia and hate on here.

He may not have realised he was gay. It’s not like bloody hair colour. And yes, people do change over the course of their lives. Which of you hasn’t changed in 26 years?

I sincerely doubt he was 100% sure about his sexuality and then got married and stayed married for 26 years all the while knowing he was gay. But if he did do that, then this thread maybe gives an insight into the sort of hate he subconsciously understood he would have to deal with if he came out. Plenty of people are confused about their sexuality. The world was a very different place in 1997.

I can totally understand the feelings of the OP. But I cannot for a minute fathom the bile of everyone else.

SideWonder · 07/07/2023 18:56

1996 Hate crime towards LGBTQ+ was still the highest amongst crime, more than race, sex and religion..

You should know that the only protected characteristic from the Equalities Act which is NOT covered by the Hate Crime legislation is related to sex.

BECAUSE - there is so much "everyday sexism" that would qualify as hate crime that police & the courts would be prosecuting nothing else.

So please DO NOT presume to lecture women about hate crime.

loislovesstewie · 07/07/2023 19:14

I'm not angry that he's gay, being gay doesn't concern me at all, but to marry someone without being truthful is a betrayal. If my DH had said before we were married, that he thought he was gay , I would have left. Any doubt at all from him and I would have packed my bags , because ultimately he would have wanted to explore that and because he would be living a lie, and want me to partake in that. And it would mean that I given up the chance to have a partner who was being truthful about his sexuality.

Likewhatever · 07/07/2023 19:19

It doesn’t matter that he’s gay. He’s also married.

suburbophobe · 07/07/2023 19:25

So sorry you are going through this OP. What a shock.

He's bisexual though. Gay men don't have sex with women.

WunWun · 07/07/2023 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

crumpet · 07/07/2023 19:43

I am with the he’s a liar. And I would doubt that he’s been faithful. You’re not his best friend - his best friends will have known before you.

I am sorry that you’ve had such a shock. You don’t have to decide or commit to anything immediately. Take as much time as you need before you decide how you want the relationship to proceed from here. Don’t be rushed.

Dothejitterbug · 07/07/2023 19:44

Breakups are awful no matter the reason.
Did he say that he's known for the entire marriage?
Ask because lots of people don't realise until later in life. I didn't realise I was bisexual until I was 38!

sunshinesupermum · 07/07/2023 19:56

The most dispiriting thing was how many people we knew guessed my ex was gay. No one thought to point me in the right direction and I discovered that he'd been in an affair with his best friend for the last 6 years of our marriage. And he told me that he had had feelings for other boys since junior school! Even remembering it all now I feel physically sick. These gay men in denial are NOT brave at all. Get rid and live your best life away from him.

eraseddad · 07/07/2023 19:57

SideWonder · 07/07/2023 18:56

1996 Hate crime towards LGBTQ+ was still the highest amongst crime, more than race, sex and religion..

You should know that the only protected characteristic from the Equalities Act which is NOT covered by the Hate Crime legislation is related to sex.

BECAUSE - there is so much "everyday sexism" that would qualify as hate crime that police & the courts would be prosecuting nothing else.

So please DO NOT presume to lecture women about hate crime.

Totally irrelevant argument and disrespectful to all people that we've fought for equality for everyone to site sexism and male domination to divert from the actual fact your statement about LGBTQ+ was wrong.

I rest my case...

CovertImage · 07/07/2023 20:21

all people that we've fought for

Yeah course you have, bloke

CovertImage · 07/07/2023 20:24

eraseddad · 07/07/2023 16:52

Very interesting indeed 🤔

Show quote history

What the hell?! You've found one single example on here of a woman coming out - and she was castigated on that thread by the way - and it's proof of ...... what?

This woman's been married for two decades and you and the other MRAs on this thread are tellig people to be gentle with HIM. You make me puke.

Threenow · 07/07/2023 20:26

Joey2323 · 07/07/2023 18:20

Exactly. There is some real anti-male and borderline homophobic sentiment here: how do we know he’s ‘lied’ to her.

maybe he’s only figuring out now. It’s hard, you know.

Show quote history

Well said. There are a lot of assumptions on this thread. I've been through the same thing, although we were together for less time. I ranted and raved for a few days, pulled myself together and got on with life. We don't live in the same town now, but are still best friends - and we are still married btw, 20 years later. He still visited my DF sometimes when he was in town.

I once attended a funeral for two gay men killed in an accident, one of the people who delivered a eulogy was the former MIL of one of them.

You are quite entitled to vent OP, but things can get better - if you want them to.

eraseddad · 07/07/2023 21:12

CovertImage · 07/07/2023 20:21

all people that we've fought for

Yeah course you have, bloke

sure go for Irony... (rolling eyes emoji) (slap face emoji) #whatevs

Dothejitterbug · 07/07/2023 22:04

The double standards on this site are ridiculous. A lady posted earlier asking if it was ok marry a man she didn't love for security... Perfectly acceptable according to most of the responses. Being confused about your sexuality though...
perfectly acceptable for op to be angry and want to vent but the homophobia is really just not on and if anything shows why someone might have felt the need to mask his sexuality (also possible he hasn't always felt that way!)
Literally can't think of any other section of the internet where you'd be guaranteed more homophobia or racism.
Try not to think that the last 26 years have been a lie. Sexuality isn't as simple as that, people change.

SecretTattoo · 07/07/2023 22:14

I have previously commented on a couple of threads where it was a woman who had told her husband she was gay or was contemplating having sex with a woman behind her husbands back as she was unsure of her sexuality and wanted to test it before leaving him. My comments were deleted as apparently they weren’t in the spirit. I presume we’re allowed to say the posters partner is a bad, whether male or female, but not the actual poster, as they’re the actual ones here on the thread.

It makes no difference to me whether the person is male or female, they’re a nasty prick if they’ve deceived their partner in this way.

sunshinesupermum · 07/07/2023 22:37

SecretTattoo you are absolutely right - it is not the fact that these men are gay ... It's the fact they have LIED constantly to their unknowing wives. My adult daughters have no problem that their father is gay but find the deceit throughout their lives unforgivable. He of course doesn't think he did anything wrong. Fxxk em.

Cucucucu · 07/07/2023 22:44

My hubby was left by his first wife because she came out as gay after 11 years together. . In his case the biggest shock was that she cheated on him with another woman . But even then they eventually ended up co parenting very well and he can now see it’s for the best .
It has nothing to do with you and you are not stupid . People just hide it in fear of what society will think . Unfortunately they drag other people like you in their lies

Hibiscrubbed · 08/07/2023 05:22

he’s done you are terrible wrong by lying to you for all these years.

I agree. Awful.

Oblomov23 · 08/07/2023 05:37

So sorry for the betrayal. Your whole life, 25 years wasnt what you thought it was. The hurt. The waste, the anger.

I really resent he accusations of homophobia aswell. It's not at all. That's a cheap shot. It's just anger at such a despicable betrayal.

mathanxiety · 08/07/2023 06:38

suburbophobe · 07/07/2023 19:25

So sorry you are going through this OP. What a shock.

He's bisexual though. Gay men don't have sex with women.

Not true. Absolutely not true.

SoDarnCool · 08/07/2023 06:41

eraseddad · 07/07/2023 15:30

Listen... there is nothing wrong with any of you.
We live in a society that LGBTQ community is marginalised and the majority of people hide it as a survival instinct.
I'm pretty sure he has just found the courage to be true to himself and he's now confident enough to share that. He has had his struggles with it i'm sure and now you have to struggle with understanding and getting answers to your questions. Try not to get into the mentality that he did you wrong cause this will end up in conflict. Be kind to one another at this moment and readjust to the current situation.

Ad a woman who is mid 30s and had alot of lesbian relationships, bullshit, I've never had one negative response or experience in my life and I'm very open about my sexuality!

Not saying it doesn't happen but there's no reason to live in the closet in fear for the last 2 decades.

mathanxiety · 08/07/2023 06:43

CoastalShelf · 07/07/2023 18:50

I’m absolutely blown away by the homophobia and hate on here.

He may not have realised he was gay. It’s not like bloody hair colour. And yes, people do change over the course of their lives. Which of you hasn’t changed in 26 years?

I sincerely doubt he was 100% sure about his sexuality and then got married and stayed married for 26 years all the while knowing he was gay. But if he did do that, then this thread maybe gives an insight into the sort of hate he subconsciously understood he would have to deal with if he came out. Plenty of people are confused about their sexuality. The world was a very different place in 1997.

I can totally understand the feelings of the OP. But I cannot for a minute fathom the bile of everyone else.

Maybe you've never had a brush with someone who was fundamentally dishonest about a major aspect of himself, so dishonest and plausible that you made the biggest decision of your life based on the narrative he was presenting to you?

It's not because he finally decided to be honest that there's rightful judgement of him here.

It's the 26 years of lying by omission and dragging another human being along for the ride that people have a problem with.

Being gay doesn't give anyone a free pass when it comes to integrity

caringcarer · 08/07/2023 06:52

Gettingbysomehow · 07/07/2023 15:35

I'd be bloody furious if someone lied to me for 26 years.

This happened to one of my friends. But not 26 years only 6 years and she was furious with him. They barely spoke for 10 years. She remarried and he dates other men but none of his relationships seem to last. Also he went through a phase of watching her at a distance that drove her mad and she reported to police.