Anyone at the beginning and want to hold hands through it?

startingoveragainagain · 2023-06-20T20:02:21+00:00

Hello, I've just received the draft details of my house from the estate agent. I love this house we've only been here 3 years, it was supposed to be our fresh start house. But nothing changed. I've had enough. My life is going to change dramatically. I decided a year ago we'd split and six months I got a full-time job in prep for having to have to support myself. This'll be my second divorce (I ended it that time too), luckily first time my ex bought me out, so it was nice and easy (the finances were, emotional it wasn't (although probably easier than this will be). This time I decided enough was enough, but I had no job and i've got two dogs and a cat, my H will probably give up work due to ill health, so we have to stay here until it's sold. He is very dependent on me although I think he does this to manipulate me and make me feel guilty. Looking forward to supporting others and helping each other through this and new beginnings!

Cupcakekiller · 20/06/2023 22:38

Technically mine's a dissolution (civil partnership) but the process is exactly the same. I'm a month away from the conditional order. I'll post more but hand hold from me. Xx

tigerseye10 · 20/06/2023 23:28

I am at the beginning - my husband and I have been going through a difficult time over the last couple of years… bereavement, having 2 young children and this weekend he said he didn’t want to work on things anymore. I’m so upset and feel such a failure. The thought of not seeing my children everyday makes me feel sick. He doesn’t seem bothered at all about the upset, financial instability etc it will bring…

Pixiedust1234 · 20/06/2023 23:46

Good luck to you all.

I'm still trying to pluck up the courage (and funds) to speak to a solicitor but I've given myself an August deadline to tell DH it's over. I need to stop procrastinating but honestly I'm quite scared of what his reaction will be.

cakeoverexercise · 21/06/2023 00:37

Yes, another one here going through it - he dropped the bombshell on me today that he wants out after 25 years together. He's been acting strangely for the last 3 months or so, so I knew something was up, but I'm still in complete shock and panicking about what the future holds. Our lovely house will have to go and our 2 teenagers will be devastated. I feel for anyone in this position - it's pure hell.

Thekormachameleon · 21/06/2023 01:05

Yep
I'm about to end up homeless because of it

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 21/06/2023 01:20

Pixiedust1234 · 20/06/2023 23:46

Good luck to you all.

I'm still trying to pluck up the courage (and funds) to speak to a solicitor but I've given myself an August deadline to tell DH it's over. I need to stop procrastinating but honestly I'm quite scared of what his reaction will be.

I was scared too, it took me a long time to get to the point I could say it to Stbxh calmly and not in the heat of the moment. After everything he put me through the last time I tried to leave this time he didn't care at all, though he did get angry I wasn't planning to move out with the DC. Last time was in emotional turmoil spur of the moment. This time it was a lot more planned. Though after everything he's put me and our DC through with gaslighting and emotional abuse it was him not engaging at all when DD developed a sudden worrying medical issue that was the last push I needed. I thought what's the point of him if he won't even be there for things like that. Only contribution he makes is financial and I'd rather be constantly struggling for money than with him. I'd move out if I could but I'm disabled and can't work. We're waiting on mediation to start sorting everything.

Flowersandherbs · 21/06/2023 01:20

Not there right now. Have been though. The last time I lost everything, my house , one of my children ( technically his child I’d raised and loved for years but I knew I wouldn’t be allowed to see them when the relationship ended ) and the house was my dream house, the life was my perfect life, he was so poisonous he tried to destroy me at every level if he couldn’t have me , he didn’t want me to exist at all. My daughter and I spent the night at a hotel with what we could carry, we then stayed with my brother, I went to work for him and earned enough to rent a flat … anyways 10 years later I have a beautiful house, a new partner who’s an absolute babe, a new son, and I finally have my dream career. I never thought I could escape him, now he looks like a joke to me. If you’re at the point you know there’s a better life out there , there’s no reason not to go, you’ll surprise yourself with what you can achieve without them weighing you down. My stepson also contacted me eventually to thank me for being a good step mum and he’s back in my life in a casual way. When it’s time to go it’s time to go. I’ve done it twice with absolutely nothing and it definitely was the right choice. You’ll be surprised how quickly you can fix your life back together when it’s all about you and your kids and not them.

cakeoverexercise · 21/06/2023 01:31

@Flowersandherbs your story gives me such hope. I know I'm better off without him (even though technically it's him that's ended it) He's a workaholic and has been absent emotionally for many years. it sucks right now, and I'm terrified of being penniless and lonely, but I really hope I (and all you other ladies) find a happy ending like you did.

Flowersandherbs · 21/06/2023 01:57

cakeoverexercise · 21/06/2023 01:31

@Flowersandherbs your story gives me such hope. I know I'm better off without him (even though technically it's him that's ended it) He's a workaholic and has been absent emotionally for many years. it sucks right now, and I'm terrified of being penniless and lonely, but I really hope I (and all you other ladies) find a happy ending like you did.

We’ve all got it in us. My choice to leave was driven by desperation and safety because he’d become an unsafe person to have In my daughters life, I didn’t want her to grow up thinking it was okay for men to treat her this way. She’s an adult now and has boundaries like sea walls! She’s an absolute powerhouse of feminism and high expectations. It was worth it for this if nothing else. She remembers the interim period of us having to live in tough conditions , of being a latchkey kid for a few years while I rebuilt our lives and having fuck all, but she honestly just respects me more. She is all the better for the hardship and for seeing my strength . I wouldn’t change a thing now. Being poor for a bit, living in a crap flat for a bit but then building your life back is much better for your kids than living in the familiar dysfunctional homes we find ourselves in sometimes. I send strength to anyone facing this now , it’s terrifying but worth it , I promise x

LadyJ2023 · 21/06/2023 02:10

Flowersandherbs · 21/06/2023 01:20

Not there right now. Have been though. The last time I lost everything, my house , one of my children ( technically his child I’d raised and loved for years but I knew I wouldn’t be allowed to see them when the relationship ended ) and the house was my dream house, the life was my perfect life, he was so poisonous he tried to destroy me at every level if he couldn’t have me , he didn’t want me to exist at all. My daughter and I spent the night at a hotel with what we could carry, we then stayed with my brother, I went to work for him and earned enough to rent a flat … anyways 10 years later I have a beautiful house, a new partner who’s an absolute babe, a new son, and I finally have my dream career. I never thought I could escape him, now he looks like a joke to me. If you’re at the point you know there’s a better life out there , there’s no reason not to go, you’ll surprise yourself with what you can achieve without them weighing you down. My stepson also contacted me eventually to thank me for being a good step mum and he’s back in my life in a casual way. When it’s time to go it’s time to go. I’ve done it twice with absolutely nothing and it definitely was the right choice. You’ll be surprised how quickly you can fix your life back together when it’s all about you and your kids and not them.

Wow I could have written the exact same except 13 years for me. He had a daughter I adored, both of us were abused by him. Violence etc got so bad that when I got pregnant I was told by social leave or baby will have to leave so as soon as baby was born he went to work and I left with just my son,cat and clothes and traveled over 200miles to go stay at my parents. I then worked for my dad for 2 months got a house and never looked back brought up son on my own and he is now 13. Met now hubby 5 years ago have had another 3 children and now know what it is to be loved and supported

Original poster

startingoveragainagain · 21/06/2023 09:03

For me, it's been a long time coming even before we were married I was considering leaving. But, I listen to what he said and for some unknown reason I believed him. I think eventually the camels back just broke, there were a few things that made me think enough is enough, but it's taken me a long time to actually get to this position - I think I'd lived a long time in hope, and I'm mourning a life that never happened, promises made and broken, a picture painted that never was. It's all very sad.

OP posts:

Darknightsahead · 21/06/2023 10:48

I’m in the same boat although I’ve asked for more time to allow myself time to find a job and have payslips available to try and get my own mortgage. Can’t believe I have to leave my beautiful home behind after all the work we have done on it.

Its devastating.

cakeoverexercise · 21/06/2023 10:56

Yes, I've gone into panic mode today about all the practical things I'll miss - he set up all the IT stuff that I have no idea about. And what happens at Christmas? I have visions of me spending it alone crying on the sofa. And holidays? Do I have to go it alone now? I'm devastated he's ripped my future away from me seemingly on a whim. I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment.

BlastedPimples · 21/06/2023 11:14

My stbx is an abusive and violent adulterous man. My dcs don't want to see him at all. I hope I don't have to see him ever again either.

He's racked up loads and loads of debt. Trying to make me liable too which is totally panicking me. I work only part time. I cannot see how I am going to get out of this mire that he's created for me.

He's a high earner but seems to go through money like water with no rationale.

BlastedPimples · 21/06/2023 11:15

I'm always in panic mode with him. It's never ever good news.

User01020304 · 21/06/2023 11:27

I’m not sure if I have the right to post here but I’m hoping to find some support anyway.
I am considering separating from my husband after 16 years together and two children. I was 20/21 when we got together and I have changed so much during this time, especially over the last 3/4 years.
Im terrified of uprooting everyone’s lives, of hurting him and the children by doing this but I also don’t want to keep existing. I have a lot of love for him but what we have is a great friendship and parenting relationship not a marriage. I don’t feel I have the right to end things when it’s just me who’s unhappy.

Pixiedust1234 · 21/06/2023 14:03

@EliflurtleTripanInfinite
I'd move out if I could but I'm disabled and can't work. We're waiting on mediation to start sorting everything.

Same here which is why it's taking so long. My fear is based on how he acts when he disagrees with me, ie stands over me whilst shouting at the top of his voice. There's only so much I can cope with. Plus he doesn't get food in. I've gone to bed hungry many times but not weeks at a time. He just sabotages everything i try to do until he thinks I've been punished enough.

I can't leave under my own steam, so I have to wait until the house is sold. My fear is how to eat, how to pay bills, when I have little saved. It would be fine(ish) for a few months but you hear of the process taking years.

takes deep breath

cakeoverexercise · 22/06/2023 15:34

Feeling very down today. 'D'H, who for the last x number of years has been overweight, has got himself a new pair of running shoes. He's getting himself fit for for the dating scene, isn't he? If he's not already on it. It's so unfair - I'm late 50s and will struggle to find anyone else now, but he'll probably just sail into another relationship. After 25 years. He has ample opportunity as he's always away with work. Feeling very bitter today,

Redruby1 · 22/06/2023 16:14

Hi, like many of you I’m sure I can’t believe I’m here in this position. My DH of 15 years has just suddenly declared we are over, he no longer loves me and does not want to try. We have a DD who is also in shock and just devastated. Not only is he leaving us, but potentially leaving us homeless too!
I have never felt pain like this, i utterly adore him! I just don’t know how I’m going to cope 😞

cakeoverexercise · 22/06/2023 16:22

@Redruby1 I'm so sorry - it's a shock like no other. Your whole world comes crashing down round your ears in that one moment. I have no words of advice, as I'm going through the same just now, but just know you're not alone.

Original poster

startingoveragainagain · 22/06/2023 16:31

cakeoverexercise · 22/06/2023 15:34

Feeling very down today. 'D'H, who for the last x number of years has been overweight, has got himself a new pair of running shoes. He's getting himself fit for for the dating scene, isn't he? If he's not already on it. It's so unfair - I'm late 50s and will struggle to find anyone else now, but he'll probably just sail into another relationship. After 25 years. He has ample opportunity as he's always away with work. Feeling very bitter today,

I don't think my H will meet anyone else, but if he does good luck to him (and them)... But it did occur to me the other day that I'll probably be on my own for the rest of my life (I'm 50 this year). It's a weird feeling.

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Redruby1 · 22/06/2023 16:39

@cakeoverexercise thank you for replying! It’s all so raw, and completely out of the blue. Some times during the day I feel I’m managing, others uncontrollably sobbing! Hugs to you also!

cakeoverexercise · 22/06/2023 16:41

@startingoveragainagain Yes, it's very strange coming to terms with the fact that you're not part of a couple any more. All the things I took for granted - someone to go to the pub with, go on holiday with etc, has all gone out the window. I have to reevaluate everything. It's a very scary prospect. I already feel incredibly lonely ( after years of feeling I never got a moment to myself because of the kids, now they're nearly grown up and don't need me). It's a huge adjustment that I don't really want to have to make.

cakeoverexercise · 22/06/2023 16:43

@Redruby1 Yes, me too - it's a rollercoaster of emotions at the moment. I go from thinking everything will be fine one minute to the pits of despair the next. We just need to take it minute by minute and be as kind to ourselves as we can be.

Original poster

startingoveragainagain · 22/06/2023 17:09

cakeoverexercise · 22/06/2023 16:41

@startingoveragainagain Yes, it's very strange coming to terms with the fact that you're not part of a couple any more. All the things I took for granted - someone to go to the pub with, go on holiday with etc, has all gone out the window. I have to reevaluate everything. It's a very scary prospect. I already feel incredibly lonely ( after years of feeling I never got a moment to myself because of the kids, now they're nearly grown up and don't need me). It's a huge adjustment that I don't really want to have to make.

TBH i've been very alone in my marriage for a long time, so I won;t actually miss being part of a team. It's more that I've always wanted that, someone to hold hands with, someone to look after me if I'm sick, someone to joke with etc... But I think men will want someone younger than me, but I think being lonely alone will be better than being lonely in a marriage.

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