Anyone at the beginning and want to hold hands through it?

[startingoveragainagain]

Hello,

I've just received the draft details of my house from the estate agent. I love this house we've only been here 3 years, it was supposed to be our fresh start house. But nothing changed. I've had enough.

My life is going to change dramatically. I decided a year ago we'd split and six months I got a full-time job in prep for having to have to support myself.

This'll be my second divorce (I ended it that time too), luckily first time my ex bought me out, so it was nice and easy (the finances were, emotional it wasn't (although probably easier than this will be). This time I decided enough was enough, but I had no job and i've got two dogs and a cat, my H will probably give up work due to ill health, so we have to stay here until it's sold. He is very dependent on me although I think he does this to manipulate me and make me feel guilty.

Looking forward to supporting others and helping each other through this and new beginnings!

@startingoveragainagain Yes, when I think about it, I've been really lonely for the last 5 years at least. He's always away at work or in his home office - I barely see him, so it'll probably not be much different. I agree about it going getter to be lonely than lonely in a marriage. And I feel I don't have a hope in hell of meeting anyone now - perhaps I'll get a dog, it'll probably be more attentive to me than he ever was!

100% - I talk to my dogs all the time, and we have a great relationship. Would definitely recommend a dog.

Hi all, I'm really struggling today and just need to get it down. H has headed off on another of his work trips and won't be back until Friday - didn't even say goodbye to the DC. Who even is he?? I know separation is the right thing, but I really miss him (or who he used to be). I feel so so lonely, and images of the many good times we had together keep popping into my head. FB and Google memories really don't help. Anyway, I just needed to say that somewhere. I hope all you ladies are doing ok. X

Joining this thread, thank you for starting it. Found out husband was cheating earlier this week, all the cliches involved. She’s really young, they met at the gym etc etc. Apparently he’s been unhappy for a while but for some reason he didn’t tell me. We’ve been together 25 years so my whole world blown apart. I have spoken to a lawyer so feel a bit better and have told enough friends that I feel supported. Worried about the house and finances. He’s moved out thankfully.

@CherryPieface I'm so sorry, that's such a shock. I've been with my H for 25 years too, so know just how devastating it is to think of a life without them. There's another supportive thread in Relationships where a few of us are supporting each other through this really dreadful time, so you might want to post on there too (sorry, don't know how to link to it). Just know you're not alone in this. X

Thank you, I’ll have a look for it now x

@CherryPieface Sorry, just realised it's under the Divorce section, titled 'A new thread for those going through Divorce/separation'. There's lots of us on there going through the same thing. X

I'd love to join. I tried to go before and he wouldn't accept it and my family stopped talking to me. This time I am much stronger and need to do it. I do need to get my ducks in a row though. I've a brilliant job but funding ends next year and it's part time so really I need to go for a full time job. Everything is so daunting at the moment.

Thanks, I’ve found it xx

Hi, go to link above to ADVICE NOW

read , read , read

until you’ve informed yourself of what your future life will look like in reality , including your financial outcomes, child custody if applicable etc it’s very hard to make a decision to make the change. We’re all fearful of unknown. So start with getting the information to make real decisions of what your housing will be, your income, where you’ll live , how you’ll manage kids , etc. then really start to visualise your post divorce life. Only then will you be able to make that final decision

Please, everyone new posting here

do yourselves ALL a favour and go to link at top to ADVICE NOW.

Ok it’s not exactly big and shouty

so I’m making it big and shouty

ANYONE IN ENGLAND OR WALES , PLEASE USE ADVICE NOW GUIDES

🤷🏼‍♀️🤣🤣🤣

even if you’re not sure yet, read , and you’ll get more informed to be able to make an informed decision.

All the best op

I’m not bothered about him, but I just feel so sorry for our 2 DC. They will be devastated. I feel like staying so their family unit remains intact, even though he’s been cheating on me. But I’m in the middle of buying a house and it’s too late to pull out.

@Appleofmyeye2023 thank you. Since making my post I've seen a solicitor. Unfortunately he's not the kind of guy to just accept it.

Hopefully it will help others though

I've been really lonely in my marriage for years too. I started seeing a counsellor recently and she said my marriage "it sounds really lonely", and I'd thought that briefly before but it really hit me when she that, just how completely alone I've felt for years.

We're going to start mediation soon, which we've been waiting for for months, so it's good we're nearly there, but I'm scared of how he'll have behave when he's not getting what he feels he deserves. We're still under same roof, he's looking to buy, but what he wants isn't really what he can afford, so I can't see him finding a place anytime soon. All of this for him is about what he deserves, he deserves 50% of everything and everyone.

@startingoveragainagain Yes, I need to take your message to heart. Being lonely alone is better than being lonely in a marriage. And I've been lonely in my marriage for a good few years now. I'm very worried about loneliness going forward, as I've no real close family. I'm in my mid-50s which feels a bit old to find someone new. I'm becoming resigned to a very different future to the one I had planned and to be honest, at the moment it's looking quite bleak. But your refrain keeps ringing round my head, better to be lonely alone etc.

I feel like I'm overwhelmed with grief. Can't stop crying.

Stbxh went mad. He's always had anger issues. Now he's receiving treatment after assaulting me last autumn. Dcs now refusing to see him. Haven't seen or spoken to him since January.

He's very apologetic. Whatever. He lives with his affair partner gf in London who apparently has saved him from suicide. Says he had a nervous breakdown and is under the care of a psychiatrist. Still working etc. Feeling much better, he says.

He's messaging me about communication regarding the dcs. I don't really want to communicate because it triggers me and the dcs don't want to see him yet so there's nothing to talk about. We live in a different country so it not hard to avoid him.

I just worry all the time about the dcs safety and his headfuckery.

@cakeoverexercise there's nothing stopping you from doing the same... get those running shoes out and zoom past the **er!

You were alright before you met the losers and you'll be much better now!! Gota break some eggs to make an omelette! Think of it as a get out of jail early pass with an exciting adventure ahead. Sometimes the universe steps in and removes the things from our lives that we're not removing ourselves. Because we deserve better, much better x

Love this

@BlastedPimples
He's messaging me about communication regarding the dcs. I don't really want to communicate because it triggers me and the dcs don't want to see him yet so there's nothing to talk about. We live in a different country so it not hard to avoid him.
What are the rules in your country regarding children and how old they need to be before a judge listens to their wants? Hopefully they are close enough that by the time it goes before a judge he will listen to them and not him.

Hello everyone - hope it's ok to join in, I've been lurking for a while. Much of what you've all written really resonates. I'm 53, with a teenager who will be off to uni in 2 years. Husband and I have been together for 11 years, it's never exactly been easy but the last 4 years have felt very disconnected. We start marriage counselling again this week, but the D word has actually been mentioned this time and TBH I can't really see it going any other way. I'm looking at a future on my own, which is frightening and lonely. Don't have any other close family and not a huge amount of close friends either. Luckily I do have a decent therapist! I'll be losing a husband, my lovely home and any sense of financial security and a shared life. I come from a very dysfunctional family background and all I've ever really wanted is a good, solid, loving relationship and a family. I'm so incredibly lucky to have my fantastic kid but soon they will be out in the world and it'll just be me. But I'm trying to think about the positives - husband just went away on a hobby holiday for 2 weeks and it was quite nice having a tidy and peaceful house mostly to myself with no bad vibes or weird conversations! Anyway, thanks for reading - I hope you're all doing okay tonight.

@implodedlife I'm so sorry you find yourself in this awful situation. Your story is very similar to mine. I'm also early 50s with 2 dc in their late teens. H and I have been together 25 years and he decided about 6 weeks ago, after marriage guidance, that he wanted out, and has just today told me he's found a new place to live in a different city. I'm terrified of a future on my own. DC will be off before I know it, then it's just me. If I were 10 years younger I feel I'd have a better chance of meeting a new partner, but what's the likelihood of someone wanting someone my age? The safe future I envisaged is gone, and with it soon, my lovely house. I'm going to have to downsize quite considerably which is a blow, as we worked so hard to achieve the lovely lifestyle we currently have. I too come from a very dysfunctional background with no real family support. I do have good friends, but their support can only go so far. It's a very lonely position to find myself in at this age, and not one I ever expected. Well done you for looking at the positives. There definitely are some, and I know once time has passed and I'm more used to my situation, I'll find them too. As another poster said, maybe on another thread, better to be lonely alone than lonely in a marriage.

@cakeoverexercise Hello Cake - I had read some of your other posts and thought we had some very common ground, thanks for replying. 25 years is a long time - it must be rather a massive shock. I understand what you mean about feeling like it would have been easier 10 years ago - I met my H at the age of 41 and one of the things I really resent about the idea of this relationship failing is the sense that I gave him my last really good decade - for nothing! I swivel between huge fear of the future and a small hope that, in some ways, life might actually be better. Anyway, first session of this new round of counselling tomorrow - wonder how that will go...

@implodedlife Yes, it was a huge huge shock. Looking back the signs were all there for a good few months before, if not years even, but I just didn't want to see them. It was actually the counsellor who showed me the writing on the wall by encouraging H to be honest about what he wanted. H and I met when I was in my late 20s, still young and attractive enough to have my pick of dates. The thought of trying that again at my age is daunting to say the least. But for now, I just need to get used to being on my own. Like you, I veer between absolute terror and panic at the thought of it, and relief that I no longer have to think about H and all his negative traits and hang ups. Like your H, he had a hobby that took him away for days, sometimes weeks on end, and he also worked away from home an awful lot, so maybe my life won't be that different after all!