Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I think my son's dad is deliberately taking him more to avoid paying out in a financial settlement

132 replies

Namechange596 · 20/06/2023 19:40

Call me cynical, but my son's dad has started taking him a lot more since he received the divorce petition. I think it has dawned on him that I will require a financial settlement and he is now taking our son on more overnights.
I suspect this is to enable him to pay less if it's 50/50 custody, if it went to Court etc.
Has anyone's ex ever done this? I don't like the idea of him doing this because of financial reasons, like he's trying to thwart me.

OP posts:
ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 23/06/2023 01:01

It doesn’t work like that, family courts are not like criminal courts, nobody is going to be looking at the evidence with a magnifying glass (you can try, but it will require more court hearings and that would be £££££££££ if you are using a solicitor.

The important thing is that if the kid is settled down with a particular parent (and that could happen after a few weeks), the courts would be reluctant to uproot the move the child again.

RedRosette2023 · 23/06/2023 06:36

Are you not pleased OP that you can look to a 50:50 arrangement and have equal opportunity to work and provide for your family, plus pursue your own interests whilst he has the kids?

stealthninjamum · 23/06/2023 06:45

I can’t believe so many people think this is ok. Is it really so good that a dad suddenly increases time spent with kids to save him money? Does anyone really think he’s suddenly going to step up, do his share of school, health, medical admin and actively show an interest in his children when he hasn’t before until the subject of money’s been brought up? What impact will it have on the kids when dad gets bored with them, wants the single life or meets a new girlfriend who ends up caring for them? You only have to go to the step parent board to see how many step mums become carer.

op I’m sorry this must be irritating for you.

FloydPepper · 23/06/2023 07:03

Tin hat on here but in marriages many dads don’t pull their weight with kids and housework, many mums don’t pull their weight financially (I know… patriarchy)

when a divorce happens both of those things should change and sometimes both parties get grumpy about that and try to avoid it.

mortgagequandary · 23/06/2023 07:06

stealthninjamum · 23/06/2023 06:45

I can’t believe so many people think this is ok. Is it really so good that a dad suddenly increases time spent with kids to save him money? Does anyone really think he’s suddenly going to step up, do his share of school, health, medical admin and actively show an interest in his children when he hasn’t before until the subject of money’s been brought up? What impact will it have on the kids when dad gets bored with them, wants the single life or meets a new girlfriend who ends up caring for them? You only have to go to the step parent board to see how many step mums become carer.

op I’m sorry this must be irritating for you.

This ^

Whattodowithit88 · 23/06/2023 07:09

Is he collecting the child from school or are you doing that then his picking him up from yours after work? If he has him that night he needs to do the school drop off and pick ups for that day. That’s 50/50, not just evenings so it doesn’t impact his job but your job is impacted because your doing more even if he has him half the nights, that’s not the same as half the time

InceyWinceySpidy · 23/06/2023 07:22

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 23/06/2023 01:01

It doesn’t work like that, family courts are not like criminal courts, nobody is going to be looking at the evidence with a magnifying glass (you can try, but it will require more court hearings and that would be £££££££££ if you are using a solicitor.

The important thing is that if the kid is settled down with a particular parent (and that could happen after a few weeks), the courts would be reluctant to uproot the move the child again.

I'm not talking about the court uprooting the child again. I mean the father stops having him.

BCCGoAway · 23/06/2023 07:29

Is it really so good that a dad suddenly increases time spent with kids to save him money? Obviously not, but the OP simply suspects this is his reason for wanting more time and she’s the one who wants the kids for more time so she can get money from him. The thinking of time with the children as little £ signs comes from the OP. We don’t really know why the ex is doing it, we only have what the OP suspects.

Does anyone really think he’s suddenly going to step up, do his share of school, health, medical admin and actively show an interest in his children when he hasn’t before until the subject of money’s been brought up?
He might. Are you saying he shouldn’t even be given the opportunity to? Even though he is asking to? The divorce financial agreement could simply be coincidence because it was going to happen anyway. OP can have a co-parent discussion/use an app with him and they can negotiate this as part of the divorce that these things should be split fairly as well.

What impact will it have on the kids when dad gets bored with them, wants the single life or meets a new girlfriend who ends up caring for them? You only have to go to the step parent board to see how many step mums become carer. Don’t you mean “if” dad gets bored? You really have no basis to be 100% certain about the character of this father or that such a catastrophe for the children is definitely in their future.

Cantstaystuckforever · 23/06/2023 07:33

OP probably did most of the parenting before because her ex couldn’t stand to be around her and so stayed out of the house.
Really? With this and the 'commodity' comments, what is with some of the MRA responses on here?
Of course it's great for the child if both parents are truly involved after a separation, even if that's a change from before.

What's not great - and is increasingly common - is when a parent, often a dad, has little interest in the day to day of parenting right up until the financial settlement, at which point they suddenly want 50/50 🤔 Too often it's a handy way to avoid maintenance, while also organising times / grandparents/ girlfriends / screens to ensure minimise actual caring time. Meanwhile the mum is left with the bulk of the caring, organising, and often paying for clothes and more too, with less ability to work than their ex, but no financial recognition of this.
Days often start dropping once the novelty wears off, but there's little hope of upping the maintenance because CMS is useless, and the dad can just threaten to bring it back up to 50/50 again.

NorthWestThree · 23/06/2023 07:36

Overthebow · 21/06/2023 06:24

Is money needed for that? If 50/50 why would maintenance be required?

Show quote history

I'd argue that yes, money is needed for the mental load and family management type tasks. Who is loading the money onto the school lunch account? Who is noticing when kid needs new school shoes? Who is buying the PE kit when kid leaves it on the bus? Who funds school trips, who buys new pants and socks, who does kid ask for McDonald's money after school...? Even in a lot of two parent families this would ALL be answered by "mum". 50/50 care doesn't mean 50/50 noticing what needs buying and doing and arranging and replacing.

stealthninjamum · 23/06/2023 08:43

bccg I am basing my opinion that dad will lose interest on the post of op who has seen her ex take more of an interest in dc after he learnt how divorce finances work and also on the real life dads I know who did this and Mumsnet dads. Even my own exh has lost interest in dc and contact has gone down from 10 nights a year to about 3 hours on a weekend. And yes it has unfortunately affected my kids. I have done my utmost to
encourage him to take them on fun holidays and do activities but they can see other than playing on the x box he’s not that interested in them. But you probably think I’m happy to have the money. (I’m really not…)

BCCGoAway · 23/06/2023 09:20

Cantstaystuckforever · 23/06/2023 07:33

OP probably did most of the parenting before because her ex couldn’t stand to be around her and so stayed out of the house.
Really? With this and the 'commodity' comments, what is with some of the MRA responses on here?
Of course it's great for the child if both parents are truly involved after a separation, even if that's a change from before.

What's not great - and is increasingly common - is when a parent, often a dad, has little interest in the day to day of parenting right up until the financial settlement, at which point they suddenly want 50/50 🤔 Too often it's a handy way to avoid maintenance, while also organising times / grandparents/ girlfriends / screens to ensure minimise actual caring time. Meanwhile the mum is left with the bulk of the caring, organising, and often paying for clothes and more too, with less ability to work than their ex, but no financial recognition of this.
Days often start dropping once the novelty wears off, but there's little hope of upping the maintenance because CMS is useless, and the dad can just threaten to bring it back up to 50/50 again.

OP probably did most of the parenting before because her ex couldn’t stand to be around her and so stayed out of the house.

Your reaction to this was “Really? With this and the 'commodity' comments, what is with some of the MRA responses on here?”

Sorry? Are you saying the OP and her ex like being around each other and living together? Her posts are full of dislike for her ex, and so it’s not an “MRA” response to presume that the dislike is probably mutual and when a relationship is on the rocks, what usually happens? The father goes out of the house alot - either working extra hours, or hanging out with mates or taking up a hobby that is a time sink- leaving the mother at home with the kids.

That’s reality, that’s not an ‘MRA’ response. It’s due to the relationship being strained and both not wanting to row in front of the kids. So it’s also temporary- once the ex has a home many do want that co-parenting 50/50 with their kids because the only reason they were staying away was because they couldn’t play happy families at home with their ex in the picture. When it’s just them and the kids- they’re fine.

Give your head a wobble.

BCCGoAway · 23/06/2023 09:24

stealthninjamum · 23/06/2023 08:43

bccg I am basing my opinion that dad will lose interest on the post of op who has seen her ex take more of an interest in dc after he learnt how divorce finances work and also on the real life dads I know who did this and Mumsnet dads. Even my own exh has lost interest in dc and contact has gone down from 10 nights a year to about 3 hours on a weekend. And yes it has unfortunately affected my kids. I have done my utmost to
encourage him to take them on fun holidays and do activities but they can see other than playing on the x box he’s not that interested in them. But you probably think I’m happy to have the money. (I’m really not…)

Sorry, but who gets two years into a divorce not knowing about how CMS works? No one that’s who. It is far more likely that it’s taken two years to establish a second home where he can have the kids 50/50 and the divorce financial agreement was the de facto deadline for him to get that established. He’s got his ducks in a row and now wants to make it official.

No one I know who has walked away from or been kicked out of the family home can get a second home big enough to house them plus children in an eye blink. It usually involves saving up a deposit for a rental or purchase and then actually getting the home, moving in and then saving up and getting all the furnishings like beds for the children to sleep on and so on.

BCCGoAway · 23/06/2023 09:27

“Too often it's a handy way to avoid maintenance, while also organising times / grandparents/ girlfriends / screens to ensure minimise actual caring time. Meanwhile the mum is left with the bulk of the caring, organising, and often paying for clothes and more too, with less ability to work than their ex, but no financial recognition of this.”

Nothing stops the mother from also using paid child care, grandparents, boyfriends, other mum friends to provide child care cover so she can work just as much. She has just as much ability to work just as many hours as an ex when it’s 50/50.

alloutofluck · 23/06/2023 09:29

Yes common tactic for some men. And men who do this to avoid maintenance do not pay 50/50 costs. They are the ones refusing to buy clothes. So if he is doing this do not send clothes with the children, he needs to buy clothes and other things the kids need.

alloutofluck · 23/06/2023 09:30

@BCCGoAway people tend to provide lots of free help to single dads but not to single mums.

RedRosette2023 · 23/06/2023 09:33

stealthninjamum · 23/06/2023 06:45

I can’t believe so many people think this is ok. Is it really so good that a dad suddenly increases time spent with kids to save him money? Does anyone really think he’s suddenly going to step up, do his share of school, health, medical admin and actively show an interest in his children when he hasn’t before until the subject of money’s been brought up? What impact will it have on the kids when dad gets bored with them, wants the single life or meets a new girlfriend who ends up caring for them? You only have to go to the step parent board to see how many step mums become carer.

op I’m sorry this must be irritating for you.

Mothers loss interest and stop prioritising the children to pursue new relationships just as easily. It’s not a given that all men do this.

I think men take for granted they can just come and go when they’re in a relationship with the children’s Mother. When the spilt the only way to maintain the closeness and connection with their kids is to maintain a contact schedule.

stealthninjamum · 23/06/2023 09:34

bccgo CMS is crap. Often people make arrangements outside cms not realising the value of childcare because they want to avoid going to CMS - and paying a percentage. I see it time and time again on here - women being paid peanuts not realising they could get more. And people who don’t start the divorce process immediately because they can’t afford the £600 it costs.

Why are you determined not to believe the experiences of women on here and in real life that some men do this?

BCCGoAway · 23/06/2023 09:36

alloutofluck · 23/06/2023 09:30

@BCCGoAway people tend to provide lots of free help to single dads but not to single mums.

If that is true, then being assured that 50% of the time you won’t be paying child care costs is a bonus. It makes working FT as a single mum much more affordable.

alloutofluck · 23/06/2023 09:37

@RedRosette2023 but these men rarely step up and parent properly. The norm is the girlfriend or dads mother does most ofthe caring, for free of course, or the children are just neglected at dads.
Thread after thread on MN of girlfriends fed up of doing most of the caring during dads time. Or mums worried about their kids being neglected at dads. It is very common.

BCCGoAway · 23/06/2023 09:38

stealthninjamum · 23/06/2023 09:34

bccgo CMS is crap. Often people make arrangements outside cms not realising the value of childcare because they want to avoid going to CMS - and paying a percentage. I see it time and time again on here - women being paid peanuts not realising they could get more. And people who don’t start the divorce process immediately because they can’t afford the £600 it costs.

Why are you determined not to believe the experiences of women on here and in real life that some men do this?

Oh, no I believe all of you. I just don’t agree with comments that project others experiences onto this situation with 100% certainty that the exact same thing will happen in the OP’s situation. Comments like “when the dad gets bored”…should be an “if the dad gets bored”.

Not every divorce goes the same way, your ex is not the OP’s ex.

alloutofluck · 23/06/2023 09:39

@BCCGoAway okay just read your latest comment. You are determined to defend these hopeless men. Most mums want to spend time with their kids,I know I do.

alloutofluck · 23/06/2023 09:41

OP I hope your ex is genuinely interested in the children. But do not do more than your share financially. He has to pay for all the children's costs when with them. Good luck.

BCCGoAway · 23/06/2023 09:41

alloutofluck · 23/06/2023 09:37

@RedRosette2023 but these men rarely step up and parent properly. The norm is the girlfriend or dads mother does most ofthe caring, for free of course, or the children are just neglected at dads.
Thread after thread on MN of girlfriends fed up of doing most of the caring during dads time. Or mums worried about their kids being neglected at dads. It is very common.

To be fair, who is going to start a thread on MN raving about how their ex has stepped up and is an amazing co-parent? No one.

MN is a forum for support when things aren’t going the way they should. So all these threads we see are not representative of the whole, they only show when things have gone to shit.

You can’t extrapolate from that and say on a population level that men rarely step up because we don’t ever see the positive outcomes on here.

BCCGoAway · 23/06/2023 09:43

alloutofluck · 23/06/2023 09:39

@BCCGoAway okay just read your latest comment. You are determined to defend these hopeless men. Most mums want to spend time with their kids,I know I do.

See, who are you to tell the OP that it is hopeless? And most dads also want to spend time with their kids, yet here you are discouraging an OP from even giving her ex the chance, the opportunity to spend equal time with their kids.