I think my son's dad is deliberately taking him more to avoid paying out in a financial settlement

[Namechange596]

Call me cynical, but my son's dad has started taking him a lot more since he received the divorce petition. I think it has dawned on him that I will require a financial settlement and he is now taking our son on more overnights.
I suspect this is to enable him to pay less if it's 50/50 custody, if it went to Court etc.
Has anyone's ex ever done this? I don't like the idea of him doing this because of financial reasons, like he's trying to thwart me.

Make sure he pays his share of child expenses on his time and for clothing etc

Basically don't pack bags and pick up the slack for him

But it isn't about what you want. it's about your child having equal access to both his parents.

If your ex is stepping up, that's great.

Easy way to check mine would not have him unless he had him overnight

Is money needed for that? If 50/50 why would maintenance be required?

People responding to OP probably never went through this. Yes, he will try to get to 50/50 and then he will probably back off once court is over. It you did 70-80 before expect him to revert to that. Call me a cynic, but I would wager money.

The way you've worded this, it almost sounds like you want to have your son more nights because then you'd get more maintenance. Surely that's exactly the same as your ex wanting him more nights to avoid the maintenance?!

At the end of the day, motivation doesn't really matter. Maintenance is to cover the costs of looking after the child when one parent isn't pulling their weight. Will you be able to stay in your house without the extra maintenance payments? Because I think that's a separate issue.

So you think your child is a commodity not a person?

My ex wanted 50/50. He loves the kids but I suspect having to pay no maintenance didn’t hurt with that decision. He’s now remarrying six months after our divorce to a woman he’s known under two years - expect having someone to help out with the childcare and the housework he never used to do is a factor in that decision!

Op doesn't, she is concerned the ex does.

So I guess sometimes a Mother's home is the actual home, It's the hub of all family life and all household activity is organised from here, school lunches, school uniform, school trips, school dinner money, other clothing, shoes, coats, bags and stationery, luggage, sports equipment, sports clubs, music lessons, musical equipment, hair cuts, toiletries, pets and their equipment, hobbies and interests, play dates and birthday parties, other socialising with mates.

If the deal with going to stay with Dad is a matter of taking a bag into more of a crash pad-type arrangements, with actual life still being organised by the Mother, there are some hefty financial consequences.

My best friends ex did this. Then he started returning the children before dinner and even dropping them off on the doorstep in the mornings so she had to do the school run.

Next he would be unavailable when he was supposed to have them and on and on it went until she was having them 90% of the time but had no maintenance.

Not always. The system isn't fit for purpose for any parent - male or female - and needs an overhaul more appropriate to this day and age. But whilst there are deadbeat fathers around who resent paying for their own children, I also know many fathers who do step up, who do (and in most cases have always done) 50/50, and for whom the current system is equally rigged against them. We have a system that is based primarily on £'s and not what is in the best interest of children and both parents. Just as there are fathers who play the system to try to avoid having to pay maintenance, there are women who play the system to avoid working. Neither are thinking about the best interests of their children, just how many £'s they can save or get.

I do understand that it is women who mainly get shafted by the way the system works currently, and within a context where women generally are seen by society to be the one reponsible for most childcare and less likely to be able to command the wages of men. But the answer isn't by accepting that men should have less of the childcare responsibility and continue to command higher wages. Yes, to change all of this we require some fairly substantial shifts in the way society thinks and operates - but we also have to start somewhere, and where better than by looking at how we raise children and what values they see as normative in growing up? Why shouldn't it not only start at 50/50, but also have us taking steps to make this more common rather than less common?

It doesn't matter how much childcare he did before. Unless he's very dangerous 50/50 is a distinct possibility and you need to prepare for that mentally. It will affect the Child Maintenance amount which is measured in overnights. Make sure he has 50% or you will owe him child maintenance. The overnights are counted per year so if he has 4 nights one week then 3 nights the next then that's 50/50,
Make sure that weekends are alternated so you both get quality time with the child and that he understands that his days are full days. For example if Wednesday is his day he pays for childcare and can't drop child off on way to work and pick him up after work. If your child is at school or near school age then make sure it's workable then too. Does ex live close enough that it doesn't matter which address is used for admissions purposes?

Is he in a new relationship? That's often a trigger for more or less contact. More because his new partner will do free childcare, less because he wants to spend overnights with a new partner.

If he reduces nights later you can open a CMS case.

Which of course applies to both parents, not just men.

What a stupid, mindless comment.
Some fathers actually want to spend a lot of time with their kids (myself included) - money has nothing to do with it.
Honestly, if people actually read back what they'd written with an ounce of common sense applied...

A child isn't a commodity, they're a human being - and both parents have the right to see them. If they do exactly half each why should the woman get money on top of that?

@Quveas
Why shouldn't it not only start at 50/50, but also have steps to make this more common rather than less common?

It doesn’t always work in the best interests of the child. My niece was on the receiving end of court ordered 50-50 equally shared parenting and it certainly was not in the best interests of the child She hated living in a suitcase with no one stable base. Her Dad had to get her up at 5.30 am to get to her school in time ( school was near her mums home) That was the tip of the iceberg. Both parents hated each other ( still do) and the 50-50 parenting just exacerbated their differences It is a much easier and calmer life now that she lives with her mum full time as an adult

i know each family and parent is different, and 50-50 can work beautifully when parents get along well, and communicate respectfully about daily life, and work towards the interests of the child, but this isn’t always the case.

If you think he is only doing it to stop cm, and would actively try his best to sabotage you from working or having real freedom.
My dm told my ex I won't claim maintenance payments without telling me. My ex then back down and is hardly asking to see them anymore. I am doing my best in letting him see dc when he wants.

However, in exchange dm organised a lot of childcare with people I know and approve. So my relationship with her improved.

I been separated since April this year. So I'm new at this.

The courts don’t have jurisdiction over child maintenance. So whatever he does he’ll need to maintain it else the maintenance due will change with the overnights.

Even if you suspect this is the case, and it might be, there's little you can do about it. My ExH was absolutely adamant that he would do 50/50 despite being distinctly hands off until that point and the settlement was based around that regarding housing needs, which rightly would have been equal had he been telling the truth.

Fast forward, and out of interest I just flicked back through the past 12 months and it's about 14% they're with him, and he's pulled enough money from under the mattress for a five bedroomed house and mutiple foreign holidays a year, without his kids. But he's still 50:50 apparently. He's self employed so there is zero point in going through the CMS for any contribution, so I suck it up and do not fume about it, because that will get me nowhere.
The system doesn't work, it's riddled with holes and if they don't want to do it, they won't and you'll have to do their share both in terms of energy and time. The rewards will speak for themselves down the line. You'll be the one who was there, it won't go unnoticed. Focus on the kids not him.

he's upping it to 3 to 4 nights

If he’s doing 4 nights and you only 3, would you have to pay him money?

What rubbish.

Or you could look at this the other way. Women who don’t ‘allow’ 50:50 (because they wet think they are the more important parent) do so as they want the maintenance.

The world has moved on (thankfully) women aren’t the only nurturers and men the providers. Men are just as capable of looking after the children 50% of the time.

Men are just as capable of looking after the children 50% of the time.

What rubbish.

Who cares as long as your DC is spending time with him & enjoying it. There’s bugger all you can do about it anyway just be happy dc is seeing him more