What is maintenance supposed to cover?

[FallenFigs]

context is 2DC, we’re in the process of untangling.

DH has agreed the basic level of maintenance, and we are discussing what that should cover. He had reduced his salary and is likely to take dividends etc. and be a bit (a lot) shifty about his actual earnings.

My solicitor has advices maintenance is for ‘keeping the lights on’ in the DC primary home. Should this also cover things like pocket money, school lunches, activities (sport etc) and clothing, school enrichment activities? Or should any/some of those things be over and above?

They will stay with him 2-3 nights/week. This is reflected in the maintenance calcs.

If the maintenance calcs are based on him having some caring responsibility, then surely he also has some additional financial responsibility? Not that, I then pay for everything for the kids out of the maintenance? This is how he is trying to play it.

We won’t be able to play this on a case by case basis ie when they need new clothes. He’ll be difficult about it each time so we need an agreement.

So he's agreeing to pay half the mortgage payments PLUS maintenance?

If so rip his hands off and take it.

It's unusual to get both. Usually the mortgage/rent would come out of the CMS.

I'm afraid it's not what you want to hear, but you're going to need to reduce your standard of living.

Many many parents would love to not work full time and to be home when their kids get home from school. Most cannot afford to do this.

I can't believe I'm reading this. Maintenance is worked out on how many nights each parent has the DC. Therefore if he is having DC 2 or 3 nights a week he will be paying less maintenance so absolutely should pay for things like lunches and activities on the nights he has the children and clothes to wear at his house too. OP will only be getting 4 or 5 nights maintenance so should pay 4 or 5 / 7's of things. Otherwise he will be sending them home with dirty washing. OP will pay for school lunches on the days the DC are with her. It would be different if OP had DC all the time so got 7/7 nights maintenance each week.

My ex pays under the CMS amount but pays half towards uniform, clothes & clubs.

I made it clear that I can’t afford clubs on my own so if he doesn’t pay half, we’d have to reduce clubs which isn’t fair on DC.

He sounds like a really horrible man. Hiding money so his kids will be going without. They will remember as they get older. My ex was mean with money and I struggled on a teacher's salary whilst he was a company director. As DC grew older they noticed they could eat steak at his house, but went back to sausages at my house. He even paid maintenance late at Xmas the first year after we split up so his gift looked better than what I could buy them. As they have grown up his meanness has meant none of the 3 DC visit him more than once a year whilst they see me much more. His dgs's don't recognise him. He is on his own and constantly moans our children don't visit him. I just remind him he would not pay half their driving lessons now they won't drive to see him. I'm pretty certain he is sorry now and wishes he could rewind the clock.

OP has already stated that he will take his 50 percent of equity in house later.

With the maintenance that my ex paid I paid for all school lunches, school clothes, normal clothes, clubs ie scouts, etc.

we split school trips 60:40. We bought joint Xmas and birthday presents again 60:40.

I think that was reasonable to be honest. If they did day trips at dads then he paid of course. But if he dropped them off at swimming lessons then I paid for the lesson as ultimately I chose to self them swimming.

What a horrid man!

Also ignore the pedantic posters!

Yes try to persuade him to do 50/50 for the children, don’t mention yourself in these discussions as he wants to hurt you!

Talk about them being at a disadvantage

I feel annoyed that he is getting 50pc of the house too!

Be as nice as pie to him and take him for every penny you can squeeze out of him

You deserve it!

You can ask him, but it doesn't sound like he will be willing and legally he doesn't have to. Better off taking what he's willing and standing on your own 2 feet, maximising your own income and cutting what's needed.

Even if he pays it now, he'll change his mind or meet someone new and then change his mind. If he doesn't willingly want to contribute more.

Better to start expecting nothing else. By all means ask each time but don't expect he will do it.

Yeah and that’s why she needs to be nice to him because he has all the power with his shady financial dealings!

I mean whilst secretly loathing him of course!!!

This!
The whole reason CMS do a reduction for overnights is because the NRP is expected to pay for clothes/ food etc on 'their' days.
So if they go to school from his house in the morning he should be providing their lunch that day. Either a packed lunch, or money on their dinner account. (Unless they get, and eat, FSM in which case he doesn't need to)
He should be providing some of their clothes. I don't think things should necessarily stay in the house of whoever bought it, but if DC arrive at dad's wearing outfit A that mum bought, they put that in his laundry basket and come home the next day in outfit B that dad bought. D long as they end up with enough clothes at each house then it's fine.

Pocket money, clubs and trips are trickier. There's no official list of what CM is meant to pay for. So some parents split those things 50/50. Some use the CM to pay them.

Be quite clear that he will need to have adequate clothes uniforms etc for when they are with him. They should not need a suitcase or bag.

And be clear on exact night not approx.

Of course you are annoyed. Men should not get anything.

It sounds very complicated OP. My advice would be to agree an amount and then ask if he can cover the cost of extra curricular as you can’t afford them. He might be more willing to pay for things directly rather than giving it to you.

I always thought maintenance was to keep them in a similar lifestyle…

in my house the clothes are the children’s and they do what they want with them. I buy probably 85%.

School dinners is parent pay here so I pay for dinners. They are not expensive tho and I am fortunate to have some spare money. Taking pack up would be an option.

3 nights a week is almost half the time. So tbh I'd say it should be a bit towards bills but not massive because he's taking them almost half the time and has his own household to run for them.

In terms of things like clubs etc you should both choose what you're willing to pay for on YOUR days. If it falls on their day they get the choice.

He's not meant to be paying all their food, bills etc at your house when he's basically doing almost 50\50 care...

Why should he cover activities, pocket money, food, housing, bills etc at YOUR house?

That's YOUR job. He contributes for the extra one day they're with you. That's it.

Deserves it for what? They're both parents. They're having them almost 50/50 each. He presumably contributed to the home he's getting half of?

Fucking weirdo

With my ex he paid a monthly amount based on cms - and that was it. No extra money for clubs or uniforms or shoes or parties etc.

So assume u will get a monthly amount and cut ur cloth accordingly- it totally sucks

Generally ex is responsible for stuff on his days. In truth he pays for most clothes I pay for activities. He pays pocket money, I pay gym / pool membership. I’d make it clear that he pays any holiday clubs on his days as that costs a fortune.

I think maintenance covers whatever you can budget it to cover, just like in a 2 parent family, some can only afford to buy food and keep the lights on and others can afford fancy holidays. Society gives support to parents with care (couples and single) on a low income via UC and in terms of maintenance works out what is a fair rate based on the non resident parents income. As long as income isn’t being hidden I think it’s quite a fair system if works properly.

It doesn't matter whether the FMH is going to be a shared asset when youngest turns 18, it is still not the norm for the NRP to pay the mortgage. It is generally the case that the RP pays because they have use of the asset. The NRP normally has to rent and are excluded from their mortgage capacity so it is seen as fair that the RP pays (another way to look at it is occupational rent for the NRPs half).

Given that he is paying that and maintenance I don't think he should pay anything else at all. In fact, I suspect he is already paying too much.

I think you need to imagine it's a couple of years down the line. Activities will change etc. He might decide horse riding is too expensive to split 50/50, or that they should have cheap shoes rather than Clarks and decide he doesn't want to contribute as much. And do you really want to be having multiple conversations with him about budgets for clothes / activities / costs etc?

Agree a monthly payment (minimum of which should be what the CMS calculator says) and stick to that / maybe review once a year.

If you can still afford the activities after the maintenance payment then go for it, if you can't then unfortunately they will have to miss out? It's the nature of being separated unfortunately. There might be occasions he'll offer to pay for things, but I'd be making plans based on the minimum CMS payment. Anything other than that and he can change his mind so I wouldn't bet on it as income.

. I don’t want to be harsh but you appear to be putting all responsibility on your ex rather than looking for a solution where you can be financially independent.

Yes, that’s what I thought There are now two households to finance instead of one, but no more money than before?

Tbf though it's not really his problem that he earns more than you? Realistically you're going to need to manage on what you earn plus CMS payments from him. You can't rely on any more than that. If he wants to use some of his extra money on kids activities / anything else for the kids then that will be up to him. Standard of living is inevitably going to be reduced when you've separated and are living as a single parent.