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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

New relationship sleeping arrangements

66 replies

clarelou84 · 29/05/2023 17:25

I’m going through a messy divorce from a very mentally abusive marriage, I have been with my new partner about a year and he is very much part of the family now, he has been staying over for a few months and we are looking to move in together, however I still share a bedroom with my daughter who’s 6. My ex husband seems
to come over when he please still trying to control everything and is often threatening, he isn’t happy the idea my partner sleeping in the same room, however I’m not silly and our beds are in seperate sides of the room and seperated and he sleeps pretty much fully clothed! He doesn’t dress in front of my daughter and vice Versa, but today he really kicked off and (my ex) and started with threats again over it, anyone who can offer advice because I’m ripping my hair out trying to do what’s best all round! However his new partner of 8 weeks has chucked my kids all over her social
media and he finds that okay 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ please no negetive comments but appreciate a honest opinion.

OP posts:

dotdotdotdash · 29/05/2023 17:38

I think your ex has a point. I have been with my DP for 18 months and we all have an occasional meal/ day out together, but he never stays when my kids are with me. Sleeping in the same room is not fair on your child. Get some ground rules with your ex - no pics of kids on SM, no sleepovers with DPs - put kids first.

Newtry · 29/05/2023 17:40

I'd agree with PP, sorry OP. It's not appropriate to have a partner of 1 year sharing a room with your 6 year old.

Is there a plan to get your child into her own room anytime soon?

Is there anywhere else he can sleep when he stays (spare room/couch etc)?

Mommasgotabrandnewbag · 29/05/2023 17:46

Oh come on op.

babytum · 29/05/2023 17:52

We were 2 years together before my partner stayed while the kids were here, and they are teens.

I have to say I think it’s bizarre that you have a man stay in the same bedroom as your child.
Not what you want to hear but your ex has a point.

WilkinsonM · 29/05/2023 17:53

You absolutely shouldn't be sharing a bedroom with your daughter AND partner at the same time. Find an alternative solution.

Original poster

clarelou84 · 29/05/2023 17:54

Yes we currently sleep on the sofa! The beds being separated were for future when we decide to move in together, and we never get dressed in bedrooms etc only bathrooms, we don’t currently sleep in the same room, I think I worded it poorly! However I’m not sure allowing the ex to threaten to break my legs and bury me in front of the kids is also very good!

OP posts:

Original poster

clarelou84 · 29/05/2023 17:54

Adding to that his partner of 8 weeks sleeps over his with kids there :/

OP posts:

Original poster

clarelou84 · 29/05/2023 17:56

What I’m trying to achieve is getting something in place legally so that there is rules both sides without involving the kids to much

OP posts:

mrsbitaly · 29/05/2023 17:57

I'm sorry you've been having a tough time with your ex.
Honest opinion OP I don't think it's OK for your partner to be sleeping in the same room even fully dressed it's just not appropriate.
Is there a way to gradually move your child into a different room but not when hes staying over so she doesn't think it's just down to him? Do you have the option of another room for your child?

Original poster

clarelou84 · 29/05/2023 18:00

Sadly not, I will be sharing with her until
ome of my
older two move out :/

OP posts:

dotdotdotdash · 29/05/2023 18:01

Good for you OP, and sorry you are being subjected to verbal abuse from him. Can you still spend time with your DP if he doesn’t stay over when your DC is there? Take the high ground and do the right thing for her; then you’ve got more credibility when you address your ex’s behaviour.

Stomacharmeleon · 29/05/2023 18:06

He really can't move in/ stay over whilst your child is in the room. If you want things to change then you need to alter bedrooms or move. It's not ok.

And I would be speaking to the police if he is threatening you to that extent in front of the children.

Original poster

clarelou84 · 29/05/2023 18:09

Thank you dot, sorry it wasn’t explained well in the first place, we get to spend very little time together the kids adore him and his such a positive influence on them compared to why they are used too, but my other son who is 10 has some controlling issues so has to have his own room this is due to learnt behaviour for years and my fault for not leaving it earlier :( and my eldest is due a baby anytime soon so space is limited, kids always come first regardless but when you have met someone who makes you so happy and time is limited it’s sad sore times I feel it’s probably not healthy for my partner although he understands completely x

OP posts:

Original poster

clarelou84 · 29/05/2023 18:11

Stoma we have just moved in to a bigger home but due to issues we still have to share a room that will be a long time thing, we cannot move it’s not even possible or a option, everything is logged with the police but they just speak to him and he starts more then it’s a no win

OP posts:

Mari9999 · 29/05/2023 18:53

@clarelou84 It is not appropriate for your partner to share a bedroom with your youngest child no matter what the circumstances might be. Is it possible for your older to get a place for herself and her child? It is s bit unfair for the youngest to be denied a bedroom in order.to accommodate the oldest and her child.

If the oldest is old enough to have a child, can she not watch your youngest a bit to give you the occasional evening to spend with you partner?

There is a big difference in sharing photos on social media ( in my opinion not necessarily a particularly adult thing to need to do) and sharing a bedroom with your child and partner.

Your situation sounds complicated, but your solution is not a good or positive one.

Stomacharmeleon · 29/05/2023 20:02

Then he can't stay if she is there. I am shocked you can't see how inappropriate this is. I am shocked HE can't see how inappropriate this is.
And if it's long term even more reason not to start doing it. Going to share when she is a teen?

Original poster

clarelou84 · 29/05/2023 20:09

I’m a little saddened I didn’t say I agreed wi to anything I merely wanted advice! We DONT share a room with her this was in the future, and no sadly my just turned 18 year old cannot be kicked out to accommodate! My daughter and son youngest have massive separation issues due to his violence in the past, we had social services a few times and he was stopped from
seeing them, I am only trying to a resolution as I won’t have a spare room or space for a while I don’t have funds or ways to move in to somewhere bigger and cannot create room, sadly it seems having a relationship isn’t healthy as it won’t be able to progress for many many years, and having time together is equally important to my own health, my kids have always come first, as for social media pics of my daughter saying loving my new fam member isn’t very nice her TikTok’s are her reasonably naked so god knows who is on her Facebook account 🤦‍♀️
it’s very complicated and I’ve just been told I am now a pedo and shouldn’t be allowed children and told I’m going to be buried where no one can find me so I have just contacted the police. Maybe I should lock myself and my kids away because clearly it’s the right thing to do!

OP posts:

ArcticSkewer · 29/05/2023 20:11

Your life sounds too messy to be adding in the complication of a new partner who has to sleep in the same room as your six year old.

I would truly advise you to focus on raising your children as that sounds challenging enough, and on yourself as you leave an abusive relationship. If you can't bear to be alone, that is in itself a sign you need to work on yourself more.

Whataretheodds · 29/05/2023 20:14

Your OP stated that you share a room with your 6 year old ( 2 beds) and that your partner is 'part of the family' and stays over regularly.

In all your replies you say he doesn't stay in the same room as your daughter.

This doesn't make sense.

SpringOn · 29/05/2023 20:16

No, not ok.
sounds very confusing for the kids too.

WilkinsonM · 29/05/2023 20:18

he isn’t happy the idea my partner sleeping in the same room, however I’m not silly and our beds are in seperate sides of the room and seperated and he sleeps pretty much fully clothed! He doesn’t dress in front of my daughter and vice Versa

why did you say this if he doesn't sleep in the room with her? And why say it's for the future - what difference does it make? It will never be ok! I think you're backpedaling because we are all horrified that you have your partner sharing a room with your daughter. It's not ok. Your ex is abusive which is a separate issue but don't give him ammunition FGS!

Redcliffe1 · 29/05/2023 20:18

You have had lots of people comment on your living situation so I would just say if you want an agreement about how to move forward with your ex I'd recommend meditation. I did mine via relate.

ithoughtitmihtbenicetochat · 29/05/2023 20:21

I don't understand.
So, the master bedroom has you and your daughter in a double and him in a single?
Or... what? Sorry I've read it twice and I'm still confused.

Original poster

clarelou84 · 29/05/2023 20:26

So all of you are with your baby’s daddies and if your child comes in in the night with a nightmare do you send them home? I’m lost I’m not backpedaling I literally said in one of my first replies I hadn’t worded it very well and wanted advice, it’s okay I won’t come back to netmums for more head bashing, im fully aware this isn’t ideal for the future either but with limited space and it’s not a “new” relationship as such I did say we have been together a year! I literally wanted some advice not to be told im
a shit parent but thanks 🙏 my kids are dandy because I am a one constant and consistent I have just given up a job I absolutely loved to focus at home more for them because the ex thinks it’s okay to continue controlling situations, he hasn’t paid a single penny towards or for his children since leaving but started boxing and wanting to take them to his fights which is something I had to fight with to prevent, there is a lot to it all, I myself am fine just finding keeping a balance a challenge.
thank you to the ones who gave advice rather than bashing me, appreciated (even if it was that you didn’t agree)

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Original poster

clarelou84 · 29/05/2023 20:29

Itthough, my bedroom has my main bed and daughters bed seperated by huge units, I have my eldest (18) in a room my 16 yr old in her room my 10 year old in his room which is a small
single room and I have a double mattress in the living room which is where myself and my partner currently sleep when he stays, else I’m in my room.
however being in the living room when we get changed etc my partner goes to the bathroom
not the bedrooms etc..
this is what I was trying to say 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:

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