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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

New relationship sleeping arrangements

66 replies

clarelou84 · 29/05/2023 17:25

I’m going through a messy divorce from a very mentally abusive marriage, I have been with my new partner about a year and he is very much part of the family now, he has been staying over for a few months and we are looking to move in together, however I still share a bedroom with my daughter who’s 6. My ex husband seems
to come over when he please still trying to control everything and is often threatening, he isn’t happy the idea my partner sleeping in the same room, however I’m not silly and our beds are in seperate sides of the room and seperated and he sleeps pretty much fully clothed! He doesn’t dress in front of my daughter and vice Versa, but today he really kicked off and (my ex) and started with threats again over it, anyone who can offer advice because I’m ripping my hair out trying to do what’s best all round! However his new partner of 8 weeks has chucked my kids all over her social
media and he finds that okay 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ please no negetive comments but appreciate a honest opinion.

OP posts:
Stressfordays · 29/05/2023 20:31

This all sounds very messy. I really don't think having a partner moving in would be good for the children at all.

usererror99 · 29/05/2023 20:32

So do you have your own room or not? As you posts suggest you do and it's "separated by massive units" but then you also say you are sleeping in the lounge? So which is it? Are you and your youngest sleeping in the lounge??

If your daughter is 18 and pregnant she needs to adult up and start thinking about her own housing needs....if she has such massive separation issues she doesn't sound competent to have a child....where's her child's dad in all this? Though can probably guess

It's not appropriate for your 8 yr old to be sleeping in the same room as your new partner.

toddlermom99 · 29/05/2023 20:32

So all of you are with your baby’s daddies and if your child comes in in the night with a nightmare do you send them home?

How is this relevant? If people are with their child's father's then of course their child can come in their bed/bedroom when they've had a nightmare. You're talking about a new relationship with a man of one year who isn't your child's father.

I agree with your ex, he should not be sleeping in the same room as your daughter - it's crossing a major, major boundary and this is how SA can start unfortunately. Not saying your partner is capable of that, but from an outside perspective I would not be comfortable with it either - and this is coming from a mother who's not with her child's father who's also with a new partner of 2 years.

Original poster
clarelou84 · 29/05/2023 20:37

User it’s one big room
swperated by units hence why I said it’s one room, it was to try and get her to sleep independently a bit as we had always shared a room (me and my 6yr old)
I sleep in the main room when my partner isn’t there. Downstairs when he is! it’s my 6 year old that’s suffers the separation! My 18 yr old is fine and has saved for a home herself to rent but currently they are a little out of her price range and being young she still needs support she may need to adult up but she’s still
young and I prefer to support my kids as
long as I can :)

my 10 year old has his own room…

not sure you read my reply well…

OP posts:
Original poster
clarelou84 · 29/05/2023 20:38

Toddler mum,

how do you and your partner spend time together after 2 years do you still not stay together at night ever? Do you not miss him? I feel after 2 years hopefully we would be able to progress and move forward and hopefully have the space to do so but that may be just living in hope!

OP posts:
BodegaSushi · 29/05/2023 20:40

clarelou84 · 29/05/2023 17:54

Yes we currently sleep on the sofa! The beds being separated were for future when we decide to move in together, and we never get dressed in bedrooms etc only bathrooms, we don’t currently sleep in the same room, I think I worded it poorly! However I’m not sure allowing the ex to threaten to break my legs and bury me in front of the kids is also very good!

But you said this in your OP:

he isn’t happy the idea my partner sleeping in the same room, however I’m not silly and our beds are in seperate sides of the room and seperated and he sleeps pretty much fully clothed!

You spoke in the present tense, not future. And now you say 'we' sleep on a sofa? Who is we?

ArcticSkewer · 29/05/2023 20:40

A year is a fairly new relationship. Perhaps time for him to meet the kids. They shouldn't be at the 'adoring him' stage. Particularly not when you consider what they have been through and are going through.

I hope you have run thorough background checks on him via the police before letting him meet the kids.

BodegaSushi · 29/05/2023 20:42

I have just given up a job I absolutely loved to focus at home more for them because the ex thinks it’s okay to continue controlling situations, he hasn’t paid a single penny towards or for his children since leaving

Ex doesn't pay support and you just have up work.

So who supports your kids Confused

BodegaSushi · 29/05/2023 20:42

clarelou84 · 29/05/2023 20:29

Itthough, my bedroom has my main bed and daughters bed seperated by huge units, I have my eldest (18) in a room my 16 yr old in her room my 10 year old in his room which is a small
single room and I have a double mattress in the living room which is where myself and my partner currently sleep when he stays, else I’m in my room.
however being in the living room when we get changed etc my partner goes to the bathroom
not the bedrooms etc..
this is what I was trying to say 🤦‍♀️

This clears it up massively

Ginger1982 · 29/05/2023 20:45

I wouldn't be letting him move in. You've only been together a year and there are young kids involved, plus you clearly don't have room.

Original poster
clarelou84 · 29/05/2023 20:46

crikey! I support them it’s called savings ;) spent all my hard working life putting money aside working my ass off all through covid on wards doing all sorts of shifts to save and I am so glad I did! Plans was to take the kids to Disney sadly now it’s keeping us going for the next few months instead :) hope that meets everyone’s standards before everyone starts on the bandwagon!

OP posts:
HeavenonEarth · 29/05/2023 20:51

I don’t think he should be staying at all, not least because you are in the middle of a messy divorce (your words) from a mentally abusive ex who still comes to your house and doesn’t approve of the sleeping arrangements. It’s not fair on your children to be in the middle of this. Your children need stability not sharing bedrooms with a new partner and presumably their dad turning up causing trouble.

LaDamaDeElche · 29/05/2023 20:58

I had a one bedroom flat when DD's stepdad moved in with us and I shared a room with her - she was six at the time. We got a futon for the living room and she had the bedroom. It's not appropriate for your boyfriend to sleep in a room with you and your child.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/05/2023 20:59

This is mumsnet, not netmums, are you posting on both?

Tbh it sounds like your children have been through a lot, and that’s before your 18 year old brings a baby into the mix. You’re still married and both of you have introduced new people quickly and are having them sleep over. You’re overcrowded, you now don’t work, their dad isn’t paying towards them and is extremely aggressive. If your 10 year old is showing controlling behaviour it’s probably because his home environments lack much control at all. He and the other children probably don’t know which was is up and your primary concern is justifying your new boyfriend sleeping over.

None of it’s sounding very healthy.

Stomacharmeleon · 29/05/2023 21:01

I Don't know why you would have told an already volatile man this then if it's not even happening?

toddlermom99 · 29/05/2023 21:03

clarelou84 · 29/05/2023 20:38

Toddler mum,

how do you and your partner spend time together after 2 years do you still not stay together at night ever? Do you not miss him? I feel after 2 years hopefully we would be able to progress and move forward and hopefully have the space to do so but that may be just living in hope!

He does stay the night now and my child has an amazing relationship with him; but my son has a completely different bedroom. I'm not saying your partner shouldn't be able to stay - I'm saying he should not be sharing the same sleeping space/room as your daughter.

Original poster
clarelou84 · 29/05/2023 21:19

Toddler mum I’m glad it worked out well, think we shall continue to sleep in living room the 2 nights he stays here in the week and try and find a bit more comfortable way to do so until my eldest has moved out, my partner has his own home so it’s not a rush for him to move in etc it’s more we all just like spending time together, the kids really enjoy it we all do.
the parent support advisor we have from social said he has had a really positive impact on the kids and they have a lot of respect for eachother so hopefully onwards and upwards in good time, thank you for such a polite reply xx

OP posts:
Whenisitsummer · 29/05/2023 21:20

Why not just wait another year or so until your 18 year old gets her own flat and then your youngest can move into that room?

Original poster
clarelou84 · 29/05/2023 21:20

Whenisitsummer I will be.

OP posts:
Stomacharmeleon · 29/05/2023 21:35

That will be fun when 'your ex comes over when he pleases'

Toxicityofourcity · 29/05/2023 21:36

This is a bit nuts - you've only been with the guy a year and he's part of the family? Really???

And you HAVE back peddled... you said in your OP that your ex wasn't happy with your new bf sharing a room but you thought it was okay as the beds were separated and he sleeps pretty much fully clothed? But then you said he sleep with you in a mattress in the living room? Which is it? It sounds like it's the first situation and if it is, that's pretty wrong and a fairly sickening to be honest.

There's too many people in the house and this man shouldn't be moving in after only a year, you don't know a person well enough after a year to expose your children to them in this way.

You've rightly screwed this up, I'm 100% with your ex being livid with this arrangement and quite worried about your judgement.

Toxicityofourcity · 29/05/2023 21:37

Also just noticed he's been staying over a few months... you've only been together a year! This is so wrong...

Original poster
clarelou84 · 29/05/2023 21:46

Wrong you never know a person well enough, you can know someone for 10 years be married and they could of had other woman in your bed when your at work and kids are at school… true story! So this rubbish about a year being short is madness, people can be with someone have kids with them and they can be all
sorts! It’s about trusting your gut instinct, and listening, I speak to my kids all the time and like I said we have other parties involved with them from Family services and I have always made sure they are okay, they had a tough time yep and now they have an amazing time 👌 not at any point did anyone ask how the kids felt you all just assumed! One has issues because his dad was a abusive control freak this child sits and reads and confuses happily in my partner I don’t know enough after a year he also regularly asks for us all to go out of his own back because he enjoys the fun times and all the adventures we all go on….

when we go abroad next year we all have to share a 2 bed apartment for a week, everyone including kids are fine and happy about this…

amazingly not everyone is a child abuser because they haven’t known the kids for years.

I won’t be back in this now, because clearly my kids being happy and me asking how to progress without effecting them made me a bad parent next time
sod advice I will just go with what I think is best!

let’s hope everyone’s partners they have known for years never become someone they never thought they would be because years means they are more trustworthy 👌

OP posts:
Toxicityofourcity · 29/05/2023 21:57

You're contradicting yourself here OP - If you don't think you can ever know someone well enough OP, then why do you think you know this person well enough to allow them share a bedroom with your daughter after less than a year?

If this situation was with someone I knew, and they'd had their male partner of less than a year sleeping in the same room as their 6year old daughter I'd report them. And I can't believe Social Services think this set up is okay.

You came asking for opinions on what was best all round and I think the consensus on this thread is that this is not best for your daughter.

I wish you and your children all the best OP x

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/05/2023 23:08

Redcliffe1 · 29/05/2023 20:18

You have had lots of people comment on your living situation so I would just say if you want an agreement about how to move forward with your ex I'd recommend meditation. I did mine via relate.

You cannot seriously suggesting she goes to mediation with someone who is threatening to bury her!