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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

New relationship sleeping arrangements

66 replies

clarelou84 · 29/05/2023 17:25

I’m going through a messy divorce from a very mentally abusive marriage, I have been with my new partner about a year and he is very much part of the family now, he has been staying over for a few months and we are looking to move in together, however I still share a bedroom with my daughter who’s 6. My ex husband seems
to come over when he please still trying to control everything and is often threatening, he isn’t happy the idea my partner sleeping in the same room, however I’m not silly and our beds are in seperate sides of the room and seperated and he sleeps pretty much fully clothed! He doesn’t dress in front of my daughter and vice Versa, but today he really kicked off and (my ex) and started with threats again over it, anyone who can offer advice because I’m ripping my hair out trying to do what’s best all round! However his new partner of 8 weeks has chucked my kids all over her social
media and he finds that okay 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ please no negetive comments but appreciate a honest opinion.

OP posts:
IWantToVote · 30/05/2023 07:08

It does sound very messy. If I were you I'd suggest your boyfriend doesn't stay over and that you scale down the relationship. You have a years and years ahead of you to have a partner and enjoy life but this is too rushed and complicated.
A year is too short a relationship to be so serious when their are so many kids involved.
I'm surprised that your boyfriend wants to stay over. It's going to get even more difficult when your daughter has her baby.

I don't know where you live but it won't be easy for her to find somewhere to rent. Good luck with whatever you do. I hope things settle down. It all sounds too chaotic at the moment

ArcticSkewer · 30/05/2023 07:16

Looking at your life so far, does following your gut instinct seem a good idea?

I've heard the Freedom Programme is good. It's designed for women exiting a coercive or violent relationship. Might help you with your 'gut instinct' choices, which on the face of it seem to be leading you towards mayhem

kimberleybimberley · 30/05/2023 07:31

If your ex is as threatening and abusive as you claim, just quietly wind him up in front of a couple of independent witnesses and let his mouth or fists remove him legally from your life. Even a strong verbal attack would see him restricted and on a court mandated counselling course

FallHappy1 · 30/05/2023 07:43

I agree with PP. This is very strange, OP.
My DC weren't sharing my bedroom, but they would come into my bed early hours of the morning and for this reason my partner would only stay over when my DC were staying with their DF (1-2 nights a week) and he'd sleep in his own house when the DC were with me.
That arrangement didn't change until my DC was much older and no longer needed me in the night.

Findyourneutralspace · 30/05/2023 07:51

You have two issues here. Your sleeping arrangements and your ex’s open access to your home. Both are problematic in their own right.
I agree the sleeping arrangements aren’t ok, and if you can’t accommodate your child and partner in separate rooms then it’s not the right time to live together.
I also think you need firmer boundaries with your ex. Does he have a key? Take that off him straight away if he does. He doesn’t need to cross your threshold. Lock the door so he can’t just swan in and only open it to him if he’s collecting the children at an arranged time. Even better, arrange pick ups and drop offs in a neutral place. It’s not good for the DCs to be witnessing abuse.

HerMammy · 30/05/2023 07:52

Are 16/18 yr old both female? if so they can share the largest room. Do not prioritise the man of a year over your kids.

lunar1 · 30/05/2023 07:57

Children shouldn't be sharing a room with unrelated adults. I'll be honest it's also a bit grim that he stays over and the pair of you sleep in a communal room. That's not fair to your children.

LaDamaDeElche · 30/05/2023 10:10

Findyourneutralspace · 30/05/2023 07:51

You have two issues here. Your sleeping arrangements and your ex’s open access to your home. Both are problematic in their own right.
I agree the sleeping arrangements aren’t ok, and if you can’t accommodate your child and partner in separate rooms then it’s not the right time to live together.
I also think you need firmer boundaries with your ex. Does he have a key? Take that off him straight away if he does. He doesn’t need to cross your threshold. Lock the door so he can’t just swan in and only open it to him if he’s collecting the children at an arranged time. Even better, arrange pick ups and drop offs in a neutral place. It’s not good for the DCs to be witnessing abuse.

Agree with all of this.

SaxSick · 31/05/2023 14:02

clarelou84 · 29/05/2023 21:46

Wrong you never know a person well enough, you can know someone for 10 years be married and they could of had other woman in your bed when your at work and kids are at school… true story! So this rubbish about a year being short is madness, people can be with someone have kids with them and they can be all
sorts! It’s about trusting your gut instinct, and listening, I speak to my kids all the time and like I said we have other parties involved with them from Family services and I have always made sure they are okay, they had a tough time yep and now they have an amazing time 👌 not at any point did anyone ask how the kids felt you all just assumed! One has issues because his dad was a abusive control freak this child sits and reads and confuses happily in my partner I don’t know enough after a year he also regularly asks for us all to go out of his own back because he enjoys the fun times and all the adventures we all go on….

when we go abroad next year we all have to share a 2 bed apartment for a week, everyone including kids are fine and happy about this…

amazingly not everyone is a child abuser because they haven’t known the kids for years.

I won’t be back in this now, because clearly my kids being happy and me asking how to progress without effecting them made me a bad parent next time
sod advice I will just go with what I think is best!

let’s hope everyone’s partners they have known for years never become someone they never thought they would be because years means they are more trustworthy 👌

You're going abroad next year? Your savings must be huge!

Original poster
clarelou84 · 31/05/2023 16:38

not overly sax, im
strict with money and was working as a homeworker for a travel company on top of being a HCA, I worked my ass off for what I have and I’m glad I did because at times like this when I needed it the kids won’t miss out for me not working for a few months.

thanks for all the other comments I have seen a police officer and social worker today and so has my partner, they have no issues with my family “chaos” said I was doing a fab job with the kids and my ex has been told he may not visit my home anymore and I have applied for a injunction.

As for sleeping, they saw everywhere in the house and said my bed and my daughters being seperated as they was with units was perfectly acceptable and it would be silly to background check everyone new partners in life!

kids had said to them how they prefer my partner staying over as they feel secure around him and live spending time with him (just to Clarify I wasn’t in the room! ) I personally don’t feel it’s that new and I’m sure there be half and half on this thread plenty don’t agree but many they know us say we are doing amazing and how positive life is regardless of the chaos with my ex! I don’t allow my kids to see or witness as much as possible, they said my kids all seemed happy and well looked after and are going to help support my soN with his control issues.

thanks for everyone’s input, im
sure you live your life the way you think best and I will do the same with mine.

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 31/05/2023 18:10

They told a woman whose previous choice of partner was abusive that it would be 'silly' to background check her next choice of partner?

Well for a start I call utter bullshit on that.

Clare's law couldn't be more obviously designed to be used in such cases! And why wouldn't you want to use Sarah's law to check a new partner living with you is not a child sex offender? There are no downsides to finding out!

SaxSick · 31/05/2023 18:36

I'm still thinking if this has to be discussed with police and a social worker then there has to be a kind of "maybe this isn't the best of things to do currently" lightbulb moment.

ArcticSkewer · 31/05/2023 19:27

SaxSick · 31/05/2023 18:36

I'm still thinking if this has to be discussed with police and a social worker then there has to be a kind of "maybe this isn't the best of things to do currently" lightbulb moment.

You put that much better than I was going to.

BodegaSushi · 31/05/2023 23:01

SaxSick · 31/05/2023 18:36

I'm still thinking if this has to be discussed with police and a social worker then there has to be a kind of "maybe this isn't the best of things to do currently" lightbulb moment.

Was really wondering how common police and SW involvement was in divorce proceedings

Stupidpeoplesuck · 31/05/2023 23:46

It’s strange that your new partner is okay with this set up.

Can your older kids not watch your younger child, and you stay at your partners?

Stomacharmeleon · 31/05/2023 23:54

As we would have said In the nighties 'yeah frank' (rubs chin liberally)
There is so much to pick and pour over that's wrong.
Your children should not need the 'next' partner in the door to make them feel safe. You should do that. But putting in healthy boundaries and being a positive role model. Sorting out the situation with their father before diving fanny deep into the next relationship.
Such a rush to play happy families and soon your will have a new born in the Mix (your daughters)
I think it's ridiculous. You probably noticed that though.

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