STBXH moved to EU

[SuperAlley]

Hello,

i wonder if anyone had any advice. Husband earns 6-figures. I gave up my career to raise the kids so would hope for spousal maintenance in the country. Our house as equity of about 500-700k. Husband says he will leave it all to me. But I don’t get his 500k pension.

is there any chance of spousal maintence if he’s living in the EU?

thank you

They could be adults now

No I’m not
im well aware it’s not
however, I’m also well aware that all the ascertains that women can’t work or can’t earn money or sacrificed ( often non existent) careers, to raise children, is also often nonsense. It is possible for men and women to both raise children and earn money and I hate this notion that a man would not be able to do so if his wife had not ‘sacrificed’ everything!

op does need a solicitor
she will get a fair share
but those saying get 100% of equity, and large chunk of pension, and spousal and child maintenance ( with no idea how much either earns) leaving someone who has earned all the family wealth with little thinking it’s acceptable that he can just start again, are being unrealistic and likely will lead to high conflict divorce costing tens of thousands

thats not to say op should just accept what he says. Not at all. But she also needs to able to compromise and be rational.

Op

I think spousal is incredibly unlikely after a ten year marriage.but you are absolutely entitled to 50% of all equity that you have between you. If you feel that your spouse ex has very large savings and pensions over and above the value of the house. You should absolutely not settle for just the house.

Sure, in some cases yes. But we're talking about the op. Who detailed up thread that her exhusband would jet off to UAE then immediately NY. That is absolutely a role where the spouse needs to sacrifice her career, if they have decided as a family that they would like one parent to be available 24-7 for children. Sure, she could have used nannies etc ti be able to also have a career. But many families, who can afford it and don't need it, make a joint decision that it's nicer for everyone in the family if one parent will always be available for their children.

*unless her career was also like his, potentially required 24-7, then no nannies can cover that.

Spousal maintenance is a thing in Spain too.

Has he bought properties abroad?

Oh dear, a lot of nonsense being talked about spousal maintenance as usual!

1. It is exceptionally rare that going to a court and saying "I gave up a career" is going to get you anywhere. The compensation principle in spousal maintenance is extremely rare and the OP would have to prove she gave up a stellar career that it is impossible to resurrect to earn it. Most people who "gave up a career" normally quit in a mid tier position that they can regain within 3-5 years UNLESS

2. They remained a SAHP for much longer than they needed to (when the children were at school and they could either have worked part time or used childcare). In this case they might not resurrect their career but quite rightly it is increasingly seen as an individual rather than a couple's choice. It's much more normal for both parents to go to work these days and for those who don't it's a bit of a luxury. In more and more cases a lot of breadwinners haven't been happy let alone in agreement about the situation and divorce is sometimes caused by a 'refuse to work' spouse who spends years dragging the family's standard of living down with excuses about childcare costs, school holidays etc whilst exaggerating their contribution in the home (in reality, SM is only a thing where the stronger financial party earns a lot so its normally SAHPs who had cleaners etc who try and get it). In these cases the most normal scenarios are one year of SM to look for work or a few years to retrain.

Ultimately though, the court has a duty to consider a clean break and this is by far and away the preferred outcome in the vast majority of cases now.

The nature of his his work would have required 3 full time nannies separately doing 8 hours each in the same house? I can’t imagine what kind of set up would need that, it sounds extreme.

I understand families often make the decision for the higher earner to forge ahead. It just wouldn’t be a decision I could make. Staying at home and forgoing a decent salary while my husband climbs the career ladder is not for me. And it’s always the woman who ends up at home. I’d feel deeply uncomfortable placing myself in such a vulnerable situation.

Apart from taking a year’s maternity leave with each child I’ve worked consistently since both of my DC were born. It was hugely important for me to do that as I’ve seen so many friends give up work, lose their earning potential and watch from the sidelines as their husbands progress. In a couple of cases the marriages have fallen apart and my friends felt they were entitled to part of their husbands pensions etc for the reasons you describe.

I sympathise with that sense of entitlement but a part of me thinks women need to stop infantilising themselves. Stop agreeing to these ‘joint decisions’ that never benefit them and end up putting themselves financially at the mercy of their husbands.

@Littlegoth can i PM you pls?

Where did I say that I didn’t go back to work when the kids went back to school?

Spousal maintenance isn't typically given to a working spouse.

Giving up your career for four years is completely different to taking a decade or more out.

No it's not fair. Your skills are probably nowhere near his. Not many people have the potential to earn 250k. Your calculation of 120k in nannies is ridiculous.

@BetterFuture1985 @GoodChat

You keep saying SM is rare. Please could I ask where you are getting this information from?

My awarding of SM is recent personal experience and was suggested by all 3 solicitors/mediators involved. In very similar circumstances to the op.

'The nature of his his work would have required 3 full time nannies separately doing 8 hours each in the same house? I can’t imagine what kind of set up would need that, it sounds extreme.'

Well, the ops set up for a start. She detailed upthread that her husband was often out of the country with work, which isn't particularly unusual for anyone high up in any kind of global business. That means a nanny is required for 24 hours per day.

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/clean-break-or-spousal-maintenance-after-divorce-or-dissolution#:~:text=out'%20on%20you.-,What%20is%20spousal%20maintenance%3F,support%20themselves%20financially%20without%20it.

A clean break is always the first approach. If OP is working and is getting £500-750k worth of house its highly unlikely anyone will rule she needs his financial support to survive.

Why on earth does that mean a nanny 24 hours a day

my exh travelled a lot for work with weeks away.
I used nursery during the day any guess what, looked after my children evenings, weekends, when sick etc.

3 full time Nannies! Absolute tosh

Thank you for the link. It does say it's becoming more rare- but that doesn't really mean anything for the ops particular situation does it? I would imagine as a general rule because more women work now than 50 years ago, there's less divorced people who fall in to SM criteria. That's obvious. But the point is - in the ops particular situation - one very high earner, one who facilitated that, then for those particular stats, it's not becoming more rare. It's exactly the same as it always was. And, the exact point of SM.

The OP won't get spousal maintenance but should get a solid chunk of his pension, surely? The least she deserves; with the house.

I think you missed the point of that I'm afraid @millymollymoomoo
The point was - if the op didn't exist - what would the husband do.
So, detailing that you would use nurseries and yourself is pointless.

im not missing the point
the point is OP has not had to sacrifice everything fir her husband
most likely stopped working because she liked not working

her husband would have simply needed a live in au pair or some family support

anyway, good luck op
you will need it

Some unpleasant and quite angry posters on this thread.

@arethereanyleftatall also my experience currently, all different barristers have suggested it. My lawyer is now asing for a lump sum because my STBXH is so horrible (DV) but it is still calculated on a monthly sm payment for next 3 years. As well as child support for next 6 years

You should be awarded fair share of assets, and he needs to pay child maintenance, but clean breaks without spousal are usually preferred.

You getting 700K house equity while he keeps a 500K pension isn't a bad spilt. Unless you live somewhere insane, you can house yourself and kids mortgage free. You are working again, you're doing well, which I assume means you're not on minimum wage. If you're on £40K a year, plus child maintenance, living mortgage free - you're probably better off than the vast majority of people. Use the opportunity to overpay as much as you can into a pension. Then, when you come to retirement and kids have left home, hopefully the house is worth a bit more, sell and downsize into a £250Kish you can maintain, and there you have your extra £500K to live off in retirement.

You get to walk away from being a SAHM with £700K of assets, more than many ever build up in their lifetime even if both parents work full time. You've had immense privilage, and yes you're going to need to adjust your lifestyle to what you can afford, but thats likely still better than most. You can't continue to live like you have a six figure earning husband when you don't anymore.

Thanks for this. I do live so where so same where flats are 1 million. Cannot get anything at all for 250k.

but I appreciate the advise.

Move?

Well clearly you can't expect to be able to live there as a single mum on 5 figure salary! You must have a significant mortgage then? Even if you did get spousal, it wouldn't be enough for you to continue living at that standard. Even when spousal is ordered it's usually time limited and a small percentage of income. Between spousal and child maintenance they aren't going to rule he has to hand over half his salary to you to continue living the life you're accustomed to.

Your children aren't going to be able to afford to live in that area when they leave either so I'd strongly suggest sell and move to somewhere cheaper.